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This Is It

Syaoran let go of Sakura as if she'd burnt him. He could never deal with crying women. To say the least, they terrified him. Releasing her hands and taking one step back, he fully intended to let her cry it out, then they could talk.

His arms were around her before he'd realised what he was about to do. Shoving the shattered pieces of his heart and pride aside, he cradled her head gently and hugged her length firmly to his own, offering his shirt as a tissue.

"I'm sorry, Sakura. I'm sorry. Please don't cry. Throw things at me, swear at me, just don't..." he trailed off helplessly, cursing himself a thousand different ways for hurting her.

Sakura made a manful attempt to stopper up the tears. "I... I... You don't know... how it feels..." it was one of those hyperventilating crying jags, in which the crier in question could never get past the choking breaths in his or her throat to actually make sense in speech.

Syaoran gave her several long minutes, stroking her from the crown of her head down to the small of her back, making a considerable effort not to go any lower. If it were to be the last time, at least he would know the feel of her body against his, taking comfort from him before she left him for good.

Sakura braced both hands on his shoulders, not pushing away nor pulling him closer. His arms circled her waist like they had so often before. Her abused heart ached from the familarity and yearning. She'd do well to remember that he was a scumbag, a slimeball. He'd lied to her. This was probably still all a scam. She still couldn't bring herself to push him away. She was suddenly overwhelmed by the thought that he had become a part of her; they couldn't be separated.

No, she'd not stand for it. She'd tell him just how he'd done it, just how he'd broken her heart, then she'd make him go. She'd force herself to make him go. She really couldn't stand so much drama the day before the flight. The plane took off at 3 in the morning, and she needed as much sleep as she could get at home, because she never could sleep on planes. She didn't think sobbing to death was going to help much, either. She was glad she could still think remotely of humour when she felt that she would never survive after he walked out her door.

She took a deep breath. "Syaoran. I'm fine now. You can let me go." she waited for him to loosen his hold, to allow her to retreat to somewhere else, anywhere else that was a safe distance from what she wanted but knew was stupid to want.

Syaoran ignored her, and just continued hugging her close, his face buried in her hair. She could feel his soft breathing shifting locks on her head, the sensation one of those that she knew she'd never forget when she thought about him. Her red-rimmed eyes filled again, but just refraining from pouring over. She knew what he was, what he was not. What he was not was worth crying over. She had to tell herself that over and over again, just in case she forgot.

She tried again. "Syaoran. We have to talk. I'm not going to..." she gulped, "cry anymore. Let me go, Syaoran." she finally pushed at him gently.

Syaoran didn't move a muscle. He was truly afraid that once he did he'd have to give up hope forever. Holding on physically seemed to be the only thing he could do to stop fate. To stop her from leaving. Him. "We can talk. Sure. Talk then." He spoke directly into her ear, and Sakura couldn't prevent an almost imperceptible shiver from passing through her body.

He had one arm around her waist, one arm spanning her back and circling her neck, pulling her close with strength like steel. Giving up, knowing it was for the last time, Sakura lifted her hands from his shoulders and threw them around his neck, putting her cheek next to his, content to talk like that, at least for a while.

"You betrayed me, Syaoran, don't you understand? I thought you were different. I didn't want to believe you just wanted to get in my pants, but it turned out to be true. You broke my heart, Syaoran." She clutched his neck tightly, wanting him to understand just how sad he'd made her too. "Do you know what that means? That means that men'll never just love me for me, will they? I must be different in some way. I'm ashamed to say I let myself get shaken by this. I let my own self-confidence falter. It hurt, Syaoran, to tell the truth. You really hurt me."

Syaoran spoke now, but didn't move from the embrace. He didn't think he could bear to look her in the face and know it was the last time. "No, no, no. You're wrong. No, Sakura. I... You're perfect. The others are all stupid not to see that. Yes, you're different, but that just makes you infinitely special. I really didn't mean to hurt you, Sakura. I really didn't want to." he didn't add that he hurt too, for some reason. The ache in his chest that had started last Friday had sort of blossomed into full-blown pain. He wondered if he could live without her. Even now, faced with the bald truth and her rejection coming any minute now, he didn't want to try to.

Clinging on as if her life depended on it, she tried to make him understand. "I don't think it ever occured to you just how it would affect my feelings, did it? There's really no other way to say it. How will I ever know when you're lying or telling the truth about what you think of me ever again? How will I be able to trust you? Do you really think we can build a relationship over what happened?" She blotted her leaking eyes on his shoulder, closing them as she lay her cheek on the hard muscle there. Tip-toeing so she could fit perfectly to him, leaning on him like this, she could almost believe he loved her as much she she loved him. That he was truly repentant, that they could be together till the end, whenever that was.

Regretting what she was about to do with every bone in her body, resisting every instinct, she finally released his neck and took one step back, away from temptation. She tried to look at his face, but dropped her eyes a second later, unable to face his intense eyes boring into her soul. Maybe he could see what she felt even without her saying it.

"Sakura..." His voice was soft. It seemed a moment for whispering. "I... I don't want to hurt you. I..." It was so hard to say. The words that would close the door forever. For her. For her he would do it. "I'll go, Sakura."

He also took a step back, then made himself drop his arms. He wouldn't tell her he loved her. It would burden her sweet little heart, he thought. But maybe she'd understand without him saying it. He remembered the gifts he'd brought.

Going to the dining table, he picked up the paper bag, keeping his back to her. "This is for you. I hope you... just... stay safe, Sakura." He put the paper bag back on the table and walked to the door, feeling Sakura's eyes on his back, prickling his skin, warming him all over.

Opening the door, he took the step across her threshold, out the doorway. He couldn't bear to look at her, but if he had, he would have seem the tears pouring silently down her cheeks again.

Keeping his eyes trained on the staircase leading downstairs to the street, he closed the door behind him, saying, "Goodbye Sakura." The door snicked shut.

Inside, Sakura pressed herself to the door, watching him go down the stairs with a kind of tiredness that cracked her heart even further. Once he turned out of sight, she sank down against the heavy wooden door and put her head carefully on top of her updrawn knees. Funny how the tears stopped. She wondered if it was because the pain was on a different excruciating level. Her eyes stayed dry as her heart bled.

Note: Chapter 17. It's ending soon!