I was up at 5am, I had forgotten to close the thick pink curtains the night before and the first struggling rays of light made my eyes open.
Not that it would have mattered, I had always risen early, normally to look after the kids, ma and pa – everyone.
Poor granny she had been the bedrock of the family, in truth, if she had never died I never would have left. But at the same time I knew she would understand me and my self-centered actions.
That was the thing about Annie she knew you.
She listened where most spoke, leading to such an unimagined insight into the people who lived around her. I had truly loved her.
Her death was undoubtedly the worst tragedy that the Casteels had ever lived through and suffered from.
As I sat on the side of my bed I thought back through the years that I had lived with her and I bowed my head and said a silent prayer for her eternal soul.
I hoped she was happy wherever she was.
I looked up, took a cleansing breath, got dressed and tied my hair up for the day's work.
I made my bed as best I could – trying to get it as perfect as it had been the evening before. I had no rags with which to clean so I went out to the bathroom, washed my face and took toilet tissue which I used to wipe down every surface. It was my sole desire to cause no nuisance to either Charles or Emma, I wanted, needed to please them absolutely. They represented my salvation.
I felt at a loose end as I wasn't meeting Emma in the kitchen until 9am and it was only 5:30am, I was ready to go down and begin work - eager to go down and begin work so I decided to go downstairs and begin on my own, perhaps I could impress Emma by getting started without her.
I padded downstairs as silently as possible, inside my mind I heard Emma's voice resonating "I despise rising early." I was sure she meant it.
Ever so quietly I reached the kitchen.
It was beautiful, it tore at my heart – so beautiful, tears came to my eyes when I thought of my family. This was the kitchen of a family. I imagined Our Jane standing on a chair here reaching out with a cup collecting water from the shining silver faucet.
I imagined Heaven and I working side by side cooking meals to please everybody here. I felt sad.
This kitchen was a terrible reminder of the hopeless, helpless feeling I had experienced as a young mother unable to provide nice things for my children.
It was also a reminder of all the comforts and beauty that I had had to live without all my life.
And it was my job to clean it.
All of the many cabinets were made of shiny timber. The double sink was shining steel. The pantry door was the size of a doorway and was painted in an off white colour – behind the door lay what looked to be masses of food. I began to grow hungry.
Over the floor were large grey-blue tiles. All of the gadgets and bottles looked a little bit daunting. But there were still some things I was familiar with, the neat piles of dishcloths and dishrags, the large square cakes of unscented soap.
Pretty little country curtains framed the window which was above the sink – I looked out to see pretty flowering plants which looked as though they had been planted for the sole purpose of keep the dishwasher cheerful, this house was so beautiful in so many ways to me.
I decided to begin my day by making a thorough search of each cupboard in turn, then the pantry, then the fridge so that I could begin with knowing where to get things and where to put them.
As I began to open each cupboard in turn, I found glasses and plates of all shapes and sizes, many shining silver pots, bowls, platters, serving trays and a number of bright new looking appliances many of which I could only guess the uses of.
It was a mind boggling array of things. Things we would never have dreamed were even necessary back home in the cabin. It was hard not to feel annoyed at the extravagance and what I thought was sheer waste. The only thing that saved me from strong resentment was the loving attitude I had so far experienced from Emma and Charles.
I decided against beginning to clean without the direction of Emma, I was afraid of making a mistake and ruining something in ignorance. I really needed to learn everything quickly so that I could get started first thing in the morning without having to wait.
Finally I decided to get something to eat. I was used to eating first thing after rising each morning, so I looked through the fridge and decided on a glass of milk. They had plenty of other food but I was too afraid to eat something that might be missed.
I examined the stove while I waited – electric, must be. It looked dangerous - a thing with coils on top ready to spring out at me boiling hot. A clear door was below the hotplates must have been the oven, I was looking forward to using that. I imagined that it would be such a pleasure to use after all those years of shoving wood into ole smokey.
"Good Morning Sarah," said Emma briskly.
"Good morning," I said straightening up. "I got up early," I said guiltily.
"That's fine," she said "Have you had your breakfast yet?" she asked.
"Yes, thank you I had a glass of milk."
"Well first things first," she said. "Charles and I eat our breakfast at odd times during the day – whenever we get up. If Charles is required in town for business he eats in town as well. Charles has already left for an appointment today so it's just me and you until he gets back."
"We may be having a guest for dinner so we will need to cook enough for at least one other tonight." She paused to take a breath. "I almost always have cereal for breakfast and always coffee too – I do so love coffee, do you drink it?"
"No." I said. "I've never even tried it."
"Well, you are lucky then, I guess that's why your teeth are still white." she said. "Don't let me be the one to tempt you."
"Well let's sit down together at the dining table and talk about the house," she suggested while making her cereal and coffee with practiced speed and grace.
"Ok," I said.
"Would you like to try this cereal too?" she asked, "It's really good and good for you too," she smiled, "and besides I think I would prefer it if we were both eating."
It looked good so I made myself some cereal in a bowl to match hers and carried it carefully into the dining room.
"It's so good to have you here Sarah, it does me the world of good to help others out. Life hasn't always been good to me so I know what it's like to feel out of place in this habitually cruel world."
"I hesitate to presume but I think you and I share a similar background, I grew up poor." She prompted.
"Very poor." She restated.
"But it never bothered me," she continued. Everyone I knew was poor so no one ever made me feel inferior." she said casually sipping her coffee.
"After school I worked my way through some low paying dead end jobs, got married, divorced and then met Charles – I never knew the answer to all my troubles would be a man, truthfully until we had lived together for a few years I never knew I had any troubles. Every cold, lonely and hungry night I spent before I met him felt just as normal as the one preceeding it, it took me years to begin to enjoy the luxury of his lifestyle, in some ways that poor girl still lives on inside me."
"Life, I feel has been good to me, in spite of all the hardships." she said earnestly.
I thought I could relate to some of what she was saying, I knew somehow that the poor girl that I was would never die no matter what became of my life.
Breakfast finished together we rose to clear the table. Then we went through the house together not only the kitchen but the laundry, bathrooms. Emma explained to me how each appliance worked, what the chemicals were and how to use them properly. She answered all of my questions and explained in detail the usual routine she and Charles kept. It was a lot of work, more than in the cabin. But of course the cabin was so tiny compared to this huge place and here there would be no children or animals to rob me of my time and energy.
"Don't look so stricken," Emma said, "You'll see - it's easy once you have a routine and are settled in and used to everything."
I could only hope she was right, so many things to remember. I was a hard worker, I had worked hard everyday of my life but cleaning this house produced complex problems I wasn't sure I could contend with.
"Well lets get started with something simple. "Let's unpack the dishwasher, all of the dinner things from last night are still inside, then we will put on a load of laundry and while that's running figure out what we will have for dinner."
Housework I was to find was much the same everywhere, clothes to clean, floors to sweep, dishes to wash, food to cook.
Each week there were the weekly jobs, each month the monthly ones, Emma had assured me that the lists of jobs and timetable she provided me with would be all I would need to remind me of everything.
"And don't worry my dear," she had said, "I will always be here to help you."