I had trouble trying to cook the dinner, Anna looked at me sharply several times as I dropped, spilled things and cut myself once.
"Oh dear," she said, "Let me get you some ice for that Sarah – are you sure you are feeling alright?"
"I'm sorry I apologised, I just can't keep my mind straight."
My mind was bouncing around inside my head unsure what to feel after the strange turn of events.
I couldn't help but feel some excitement but it felt so wrong in light of all my other troubles.
My mind kept returning - not to Kitty and her threats but to Johnathan and his soft whispered words and his touch...
I felt nervous about dinner, perhaps I was wrong about him, perhaps he only meant to be friendly after all.
Finally it was time for dinner, I washed myself and came down to begin serving everyone.
I sat quietly and ate trying to be as unobtrusive as possible.
The dinnertime talk revolved around business and I was the only one with nothing to contribute, but I listened politely nonetheless as I had only ugly thoughts to fill my head.
After dinner the three retired to the lounge room with coffee and I was left to clean up the dining room and kitchen. I was tired so I worked my way slowly through each task. At last I was finished, I washed my hands and dried them on the teatowel and turned to head up stairs gratefully to a warm shower and bed.
As I walked toward the door I saw Johnathan standing in the shadows.
My heart leapt in spite of myself.
"Feel like going for a walk?" he asked casually.
"Where to?" I asked quietly.
"I thought we could just walk in the garden – we don't have to go far. Have you seen the swing chair yet?"
"Ok let's go and have a swing.." I agreed coyly.
He held his arm for me to put mine through like a barn dancer about to swing his partner, I threaded my arm through his and we walked slowly out of the back door together.
It felt good to touch him, to walk slowly together into the cold night air. I felt excited in spite of myself. I never would have dreamed that passion or even love would come knocking on my door so soon. I did so want to be reawakened. To love and to be touched by a man, it had been so many years since I had felt that Luke felt any passion for me. I was eager – so eager to feel my passion reflected in someone else.
He tried to make small talk but unbeknownst to he and I - he had awoken a profound need within me for passion which wouldn't, couldn't wait a moment longer.
I drew his head down toward mine and waited for his kiss and when it came I was ready.
I kissed him with a hungry desperation, pushing myself into his arms. No longer a lady but a woman.
I surprised him, I knew that. I had surprised myself also.
I hadn't even looked at another man since Luke and here I was a million miles away in a dream wanting this stranger to kiss and touch me everywhere.
Reluctantly and with great effort I pulled away.
"I'm sorry." I said. "It's just been so long..." "I just..." I tried to explain.
"No need to be sorry, I'm sorry," he countered. "You're vulnerable, I should have been more sensitive and given you more time to settle in here and grieve the loss of your mother."
"Let's sit together on the chair and I will stroke your shoulders before we go back inside."
"Ok." I said.
So we sat and rocked ourselves gently as the moon shone down on us distantly while we adjusted ourselves emotionally and grew together mutely on that quiet night.