After what was possibly the longest bathroom break in Canadian history (and probably that of the world), Waves & Rocks Productions is proud to welcome you back to our regularly scheduled programming, produced by Bloodpatternblue and Konrad.
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THE STUPENDOUS EPIC ADVENTURES OF MARY SUE!
Part Four
By Bloodpatternblue and Konrad
"Mary Sue… F#k Yeah… Came to save…"
"STOP!" Mary Sue yelled. Almost everyone immediately stopped singing and jigging to the theme song. But Goku continued to dance and sing.
"America… er, I mean Mary Sue… F#k yeah… what's an America… er, came to save, something something… OWW!" Goku's attempted singing was abruptly interrupted by Chichi's frying pan.
"Quiet, Goku!" she said before turning to the indescribably gorgeous Mary Sue. "Mary Sue sweetie, what's wrong?"
"The theme song just won't work without the others with us." Mary Sue sighed, then hearts appeared in her eyes. "I especially need my sweetie pie, the love of my life, my hunky dunky chunk of Trunks!"
"Here I am!" a voice rose up from behind them. Everyone turned to see Future Trunks, Tenshinhan, Vegeta… and Bloodpatternblue holding Trunks' arm.
"Hi everyone!" Bloodpatternblue chirped.
"This plan of yours better work. I don't like being ogled at by that girl." Trunks whispered to Bloodpatternblue.
"Relax, Trunksy wunksy." Bloodpatternblue teased lightly. "Try not to get too emotional and let me do the talking, ok?"
"Trunks, my love doll." Mary Sue said in her saccharine voice as she approached the group. "I'm so glad to see you again. Where have you been? And who is this hussy and why is she holding your arm?"
"Hussy?" Bloodpatternblue shrieked. "Who are you calling a hussy, you five-dollar whoMMMFFF!" Her mouth was immediately covered by Tenshinhan's hand.
Sigh. "Well, Mary Sue, this is my GIRLFRIEND Bloodpatternblue." Trunks explained. "As in, I'm TAKEN."
"Yeah, that's right, you witch!" Bloodpatternblue yelled as she managed to get her mouth free. "Besides, Trunks wouldn't want you! You're too ugly and your boobs aren't as big as mine!"
"WHAT? Why, I outta…!" Mary Sue started.
"Hey everyone, I think it's time we go fight Cell." Krillin interjected with a laugh. "And we better win 'cause otherwise we'll die. And you know what that means! That means we'll be in Heaven together forever and you'll have to listen to my jokes for all of eternity. Wouldn't that be exciting! Hey, I got a new one! Inuyasha sees Ryu Hayabusa in a bar and he goes 'Hey, who are you?' and Ryu goes 'Hey, how do you know my name?' and Inuyasha is like 'What?' and Ryu goes 'You said my name, Ryu!'. Get it? Who-are-you? Ryu? HAHAHAHA!"
Everyone sweat dropped.
"Ugh, this whole 'take over the fanfiction universes' thing might have some drawbacks." Mary Sue commented.
"Hmmm, what was that?" Chichi asked.
"Oh, uh nothing!" Mary Sue back-pedalled. "Now, why don't we go kick Cell's butt?"
"Why bother!" Gohan complained. "This existence and all it's violence is an expression of class struggles that have manifested themselves for centuries in conflict of power and imperialist ambition which to the creation of great empire that enslave populations and…"
KLANG!
"Put a sock in it, Mr Bleeding Heart Intellectual!" Chichi said while Gohan rubbed his sore head. "Now let's all go meet this Cell fellow. And we women will come too since some of you men are obviously idiots!"
"Ooh, that means I get to hitch a ride with my piece of man-meat!" Bulma cooed as she placed her hand on Tenshinhan's chest.
"Tenshinhan!" Tenshinhan beamed proudly.
"You said it, big guy!"
"Wait, Bulma my love!" Vegeta cried then started his latest creative inspiration. "This flame in my heart so deep burns eternal for your tender touch and…"
"Shut up, you little bitch, I got me a real man now!" Bulma yelled.
"That'll hurt in the morning." Bloodpatternblue said to Trunks while watching them.
"Yeah." Trunks whispered back. "Sadly enough, that was his best poem."
"Oh well. I hope the others are doing ok." She wondered aloud.
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When they reappeared, Konrad, Chaozu and Babba landed in what looked like a Martian landscape with strange floating scrolls. The soil beneath them was a dark brown while the entire atmosphere was an eerie red. A light haze made the air feel heavy while a strong stench struck the visitors like a whip.
"Oh Kami!" Babba cried out covering her nose.
"Pouaahh! That smell, this is crap!" Chaozu complained.
"Correction, this is Ultra-CRAP!" Konrad responded. "All these fan fiction stink so much that they actually do stink so to speak!"
"I must leave this foul place at once." Babba said.
"No problem, thanks for getting us here." Konrad waved her off, then turned to Chaozu and pulled out two gas masks. "Here, we won't survive long without these. Now let's get on with our search. I can't believe we got in so easily but the guardians they will eventually start looking for us, especially me!"
Taking out searchlights, the pair started looking around the Ultra-CRAP dimension. It was filled with hundreds of thousands of floating scrolls. They each represented a bad fan fiction from all sorts of universes.
"How can we find one specific in all this?" Chaozu asked.
"It's not as bad as it looks." Konrad answered. "Babba teleported us to the Dragonball section, now we just need to filter out the rest and get a High School fic. Anyone so long as it's appallingly bad."
"Oh, so we can pick almost anything considered the utter-crappiness of everything here. Look at this junk! Bad Bulma/Vegeta romances, Mary Sue style fics… uh, Yamcha is a Saiyan?"
"Apparently that's a popular one." Konrad shrugged. His expression changed as he looked quickly looked around. "Damn, we need to hurry, Chaozu!"
"Done!" Chaozu exclaimed as he grabbed a scroll. "Check out the title on this one, DBZ Hi Skewl Fun. With a title like that it must be horrible beyond compare!"
"Alright! Now let's just go back…"
Before Konrad could speak more, a brisk wind picked up around them, making a loud howling noise. Meanwhile the ground shook violently.
"W-what's going on?" Chaozu asked.
"Oh no, not them!" Konrad yelled.
The wind condensed in three spots ahead of them. Before they could do anything, those three concentrations of winds materialized into three dark ghostly figures. About eight feet tall, these figures were each completely enveloped in a large dark cloak that revealed nothing except for large, circular red eyes. Eyes that looked angry. Konrad shrieked.
"Eek! Guardians! Chaozu, run!" he cried as he grabbed the emperor boy and they darted in the direction they came from. But the guardians simply teleported in front of them. "Oh please, I don't want to go in jail! Please!" Konrad whimpered.
"Don't worry, I'll protect you!" Chaozu said and he got in front of Konrad. "We need to take this or else the universe is doomed. But if you're gonna stop us, I'm prepared to fight you!"
"Get out of the way or we'll have to arrest you along with the criminal!" said the first guardian.
"Yes, do you wish to be arrested for this petty criminal?" said the second guardian.
"Huh? Konrad's a criminal? But how can that be possible? What's his crime first of all?"
"He has committed the most heinous crime possible in fan fiction!" said the third guardian.
"Yes, he has started stories he hasn't finished. He has… incomplete fan fiction!" boomed the second guardian in a dark ominous voice.
"What? Konrad, you have fanfics you haven't finished? Is that true?" Chaozu asked.
But Konrad didn't seem to hear him. Instead, he was curled up in a foetal position on the ground and shaking uncontrollably.
"I'm going to finish my fics; I swear I'm going to finish them! Yes, I'm going to complete my fics! I'm going to finish them, I'm going…" he kept mumbling as if he was in some sort of daze.
"Ooookay!" Chaozu commented.
"He'll face the harshest punishment we can hand out. He'll be forced to listen to Paris Hilton's album for the rest of eternity!"
"No!" Chaozu yelled. "You monsters!"
"Such is the law; Konrad knew he was breaking the law. Thus is his punishment!" stated the first guardian.
"But… Paris Hilton's album…" Chaozu tried to plead.
"Goingtofinishmyfics, goingtofinishmyfics, goingtofinishmyfics…" Konrad's rambling got more frantic and louder.
"The time has come for you to face justice, Konrad!" The second guardian spoke.
"No, wait! There's gotta be a way we can arrange something!" Chaozu said.
"Like how?" asked the third guardian.
"Like, uh, erm… a contest!" Chaozu yelled out the first idea that came to his head. The three guardians turned to look at each other briefly before turning again to Chaozu.
"Very well." The first guardian spoke. "We'll have a math contest!"
"Oh... Crap." Chaozu muttered.
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Can Mary Sue beat Cell? Will she steal Trunks away from Bloodpatternblue? Can Chaozu count for shit? Find out in our next update in October… 2009… going by the Muslim epoch…
To be continued sometime after Earth's population has been moved to the Moon…
Bloodpatternblue: "That was good except…."
Konrad: " What! What is it! I can't handle the pressure!"
Bloodpatternblue: "I don't really like future trunks! And you make me out to be a bimbo!"
Konrad Clears throat, leans over to Bloodpatternblue and whispers something in her ear
Bloodpatternblue: "Oh ok… well in that case…"
Konrad: "SHHHH You will give away the ending!"
Bloodpatternblue: "The way we are going there will never be an ending!"
Konrad: "Well whose fault is that? I had to write two chapters in a row because you are soooooo lazy!"
Bloodpatternblue: pouts
Konrad: "See you next time!"