A/N: Thoughts, please:)

This chapter is kinda short, but only because I got tired of writing Jerk Derek so I went back and re-wrote some
of the jerkier chapters on his part. He will still be a jerk but just not as much.

Chapter 3

I had made an internal decision I was going to have this child on my own. The only way I could do that was to leave Seattle. I couldn't talk to Richard, Callie, Mark or Miranda. All would try to stop me from my goal of freedom. He didn't want me, so he couldn't want our child. I saw him stealing glances at me when I was pretending not to look but I remained oblivious. I wasn't putting myself out there again. I wouldn't be hurt by him again, once was enough and I was no dummy.

After receiving a clean bill of health from my obstetrician at a doctor's office I found on the other side of town, away from the prying eyes of people at Seattle Grace, I walked into Richard's office with my back ramrod straight.

"Richard, we need to talk."

Richard scowled as he looked up at me, "If you're here to talk about the Chief of Surgery position…"

I look at him in confusion, "Chief of…," I break off when I realize that he thought that the position would be the only thing running through my mind at the time. In actuality, all thoughts of that place and the position had left me almost immediately after I learned of my condition. My whole being had focused on being a parent to my child.

I shake my head as I sit down gingerly, I did everything today slowly. I was wary of hurting my child so I took extra steps to ensure that my usual clumsiness didn't stop me from carrying my child to term. "Richard, I need to leave Seattle."

Richard leaned back in his chair and met my statement with a glare, "Addi, you have a contract. Now if you aren't able to work with Sloan, I'll make sure he stays…"

I cut him off and look at him, "Why are you denying the real reason I want to leave? I have to go, Derek doesn't want me. He doesn't want my child and I don't want to hurt anymore. He's happy Richard. He's making this life for himself, a life that doesn't include me, a life that won't include me or my child. I won't subject my child to a father who resents his very existence because it meant that he was unfaithful to his girlfriend. I deserve better and damn it, so does my child."

Richard stands up and walks over in front of my chair as he leans on the edge of his desk and crosses his arms. He stares at me with a look of scrutiny on his face and I feel like a child who is about to be reprimanded by their teacher, "Addison, Derek may be a jerk, but he has good qualities too. He had to; otherwise you wouldn't have fallen in love with him. You have to give him a chance, it's not fair to you, and it's not fair to this child if you keep them from each other. Your child could grow up to resent you and that would kill you….Tell him, and then if you want to leave Seattle, I'll see what I can do."

I nod as the truth of his words wash over me and I realize that I've been selfish. I've been using a lot of I's in this whole scenario but if I ever allowed my child to grow to resent me it would kill me. I nod once as I stand up, "I can't tell him Richard. I'll write him a letter and I'll trust you to deliver it."

Richard rolled his eyes as he placed his hand on my shoulder and said, "What are you in high school? If that makes you feel better about this situation, then yes I will deliver your letter to Derek. Take the day off and write the letter, I'll come by your place and pick it up and then tomorrow you can wait at home for Derek to come see you, because I do believe that he will come see you."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

How do you tell your ex-husband, the love of your life that the bond that he thought broken between the two of you still existed? How do you tell him that he would never be rid of you no matter how much he tried, no matter how much he wished? I didn't know how to write such a letter so I stared at the blank page for hours wondering how to write all my feelings, I settled for the truth. And after throwing away ten rough draft copies, I finally found the words…

Derek,

I know this may come as a shock to you but I'm afraid to face you. Not, that I don't have the courage to admit what transpired between us but I'm afraid of your reaction. I know that your heart belongs to Meredith and I would never try to take you from her but I can't continue to keep this secret from you, it's not fair to you and it's not fair to me. Our night together had repercussions. I'm pregnant. Six weeks pregnant with your child. It was a shock to realize that no matter how hard I tried, no matter how many times I try to turn the page in the book of our lives, we always seem to wind up entwined. I'm not asking for marriage, I'm not even asking for financial support as I'm sure that you know that I can provide for myself and this child alone. I wanted the peace of mind that comes with knowing that I have completed my mission in telling you the truth. I will have no reason to be ashamed when I look my child in the eye when they ask for their father.

It took me time to come to the realization, that I couldn't keep this from you, no matter how much you hurt me. So, I'm letting you make the decision. What do you want to do? I have taken a leave of absence from work. I'm entrusting this letter to Richard as he is aware of the situation as well as my surrogate father and the future grandfather of our child.

Awaiting your response,

Addison

As I penned my name to the letter I felt the weight leave my shoulders. Whether it had been hormones or my own wounded ego, I knew deep down I wasn't one of those women who kept children from their fathers no matter how I had been treated. I was better than that and I needed to start acting like it.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

When the knock came on my door, I wasn't prepared. I had told Richard earlier that day my decision.

Flashback

"Richard, I appreciate the gesture, but I want to hand this letter to Derek in person."

I hear the sigh over the end of the line and I know that Richard is wondering whether I had chickened out about telling Derek the truth, "I'm going to tell him Richard. I have the letter written and I can read it to you but I need you to trust that I'm going to tell him. Maybe it was hormones or fear, but I'm decided to tell him on my own. I'll drop it off in the morning and then check on some of my patients and then come home."

Richard cleared his throat and spoke softly, "I love you Addison. You are the daughter that Adele and I always wanted. You are smart, beautiful and have a wonderful heart. This child is lucky to have you for its mother and when Derek gets his act together, this child will have the best of both worlds."

I feel the tears fall down my cheeks as I hear the words full of affection he is bestowing upon me, "I love you too Richard and thank you. Thank you for not judging, thank you for not denying me affection in the light of all the errors, I've made. I've found acceptance by your side that I have never found anywhere else. I love you."

I hung up the phone before I start sobbing openly on the phone. Richard was the father who would back me up when I thought that I was failing at my life.

I would be strong with the people who care about me by my side.

End of Flashback

I had walked into the hospital this morning determined, today was the day and without fail I was going to hand him the paper. The piece of paper that would change the direction of my life from here on out.

Flashback

"Dr. Shepherd, I need a moment." The strength of my tone must've alerted Derek that something was up because he stopped what he was doing and turned to me. I refuse to smile at the one he sent me because what I would say in the letter would wipe that smile away.

"What's going on Addi?"

I look at my hands before I exhale a deep breath and reach into my purse. I hold onto the simple letter for a moment allowing the last of my secrets to fall away from me as I press the letter into his palm.

He closes his hand around the note and then meets my eye with one of confusion, "What's this Addison?"

I don't feel safe to speak so I wait a moment before uttering, "Read this letter and then you will know. Then there will be no secrets between us and whatever your decision maybe, I will respect it."

I step back and watch as he gazes at me in confusion. He wants to open the letter but he's hesitant and I can't blame him, the contents of that letter would blow his whole world apart.

End of Flashback

I open the door and look at you resting against my doorjamb, your hair mussed up and the tears dried up in your eyes. I step back and let you enter. What could possibly happen now?

Thanks for reading and replying, EP!