A/N: While I would love to blame her emotions on hormones, I think Addison has a valid point, so does Derek but I've always been more
on Addison's side anyway.

Chapter 10

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I had fallen asleep with my glasses on and my laptop open. It was amazing the amount of information you could find on the Internet and I was finally having a chance to utilize it all. I had wondered if Derek would come back in and try to start up with his 'I love you' spiel but fortunately he had been quiet which I was extremely grateful for. Miranda had told me that I needed to move around a little bit, but not too much the first couple of days, these things I already knew but I was still having a hard time adhering too.

I was glad that I was already up from the bathroom when I heard the knock on the door. I waited to see if Derek would answer the door but when it was met with silence, I decided he must've stepped out so I made my way cautiously to the front door to see who my visitor was.

As I opened the door, I stepped back in shock at the sight of Alan Coldstone leaning against the doorjamb. He had a dozen yellow roses in his hand and a huge, cuddly panda in his other hand. I gasp in surprise and ask, "What is all this Alan?"

Alan shuffles his feet nervously and his gaze darts inside as he asks, "Can I come in?"

I blush as I realize how rude I was being, I step back and allow him entry all the while apologizing for my lack of manners, "I apologize Alan. I was just startled to see you here. So come in, sit down, and tell me what all this is about."

Alan hands me the yellow roses and kisses me gently on the cheek and then motions to the panda that is currently resting comfortably against my closet door and says, "This is for Dominic. I didn't know a better way to apologize to both of you for what happened two days ago."

I close the door behind him and motion for him to take a seat at the couch but he remains behind with me to help escort me to the couch and as we both sit down, I turn to him and say honestly, "I don't blame you Alan. That would be like blaming you for the rain in Seattle. People get robbed, while it might not happen on a first date when your date is eight months pregnant it does happen. Don't worry."

Alan sighed softly and looked in my eyes, "But I do, worry that is Addison. You are in a state that requires at the very least emotional tranquility and our date was anything but and after the way that Derek…."

I interrupt him, I have a feeling where this conversation is going, and I want to cut it off at the pass, "I apologize on Derek's behalf if he was anything less than hospitable to you. It was a stressful time for him and I beg for your forgiveness. I told Derek how grateful we should be to you since you protected my child and me with your body. Not every 'first date' would do that, but Derek just went off."

Alan shrugged as he reached for my hand and I let him have it, I didn't feel the tingle that I usually felt when I was with Derek but then what did I expect? I had been with Derek for most of my life and I was just barely getting to know this man, "Addison, I will be truthful with you. Derek warned me that he didn't want me around you. He said that he was in love with you and wanted both of you, you, and his son. I kept my distance away from both of you out of respect to him, but when I heard that you had come back home, I wanted to see for myself how you were doing. It was one date, and I'm acting like…"

I lean forward at his rambling and kiss him; I kiss him softly on the lips. He catches my mouth in a soft, sweet kiss and I sigh in contentment. He pulls back and I look at his hazy, brown, eyes full of desire and I feel a stirring in my stomach. Could I actually be feeling desire for another man that wasn't Derek? Was I finally moving on?

Alan smiled at me softly and said, "That has to be the best shut-up kiss, I've ever had. Thank you. Thank you for letting me know that there was a possibility that all was not lost."

I smile as I stare at him and say, "I love my ex-husband Alan and I won't lie to you because it's been done to me and it stinks. I don't know if I will ever stop loving Derek but I wanted you to know that if we are going to try for a relationship it won't be easy. Not to mention that I'm still in love with the man, I'm pregnant with his child. A child that he does want and me, who he claims that he does want but I'm not sure of his sentiments and the truth in those words. I still think that he was worried when my life was in danger and that he came close to losing both of us so he's declaring his love out of fear."

I hope what I've just confessed to Alan doesn't run him off but I have to be honest. After having to move to Seattle on the assumption that my husband wanted to try again, I was dragged around through the rumor mills, and the mud by my ex-husband who had pretended to want to try again only to find out it was more of an obligation than love. I want him to understand but he stops me with a finger on my lip and says, "You don't have to say anything else Addison. I've never met a woman like you, a straight-forward woman who's not afraid to tell the truth even if it hurts."

I laugh softly and say, "Then you've never met my friend Miranda have you?"
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After Alan left, I had paced around the apartment wondering if I had made the right decision in agreeing to another date. It was obvious that it wouldn't be anytime soon but it was still tentative. I can't believe that I'm seriously considering moving on without you. It frightens and thrills me at the same time. I had just settled myself on the couch in the living room when I hear the door open.

I look up as Derek enters the apartment and a soft, smile touches my lips and I greet him warmly, "Hey there you are. I thought I was going to have to send out the guards for you."

He smiles at me happily and I then see that he's loaded down with plastic bags. I start to rise to help him when I hear a growl and it makes me jump back. I turn and look at him who is now sporting a scowl on his face, "What do you think you're doing?"

I lean back and roll my eyes, "Fine Derek, you can play you're the man and I'm the feeble woman game. I'll just sit back here and let you wait on me hand and foot." I watch as a brilliant grin crosses his face, I roll my eyes and sit back in exasperation.

It's not even five minutes before I'm presented with a glass of juice as he sits down in front of me and says, "Dinner will be ready in a few."

I nod gratefully and sip my juice as I watch him over the rim of my glass and clear my throat, "How was work?"

I notice him grimace and say, "I'm sorry. I didn't plan to have to leave but I was being paged for an emergency surgery and it was one that the other neurosurgeon didn't feel comfortable handling."

I smile and say, "That's why you're the best. Don't worry about it; I know you have your own job. I was fine on my own. I looked at some websites for ideas for the furniture in Dominic's room and took a nap." I purposefully neglect to mention my visitor because I'm cautious of his reaction. I know that he had said that he wanted to try again and while I'm trying to respect his wishes, I also know that the trust between us is gone and since trust is such an essential part of a relationship I don't want to go down that path until I was absolutely sure of his feelings.

I'm lost in my own thoughts and look up to see that he is staring at me openly with a question in his eyes, "What's on your mind Addi?"

I shake my head to clear myself of the disquieting thoughts and say, "Dinner, dinner is on my mind. What is there to eat? Domi and I are starving."
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As I looked across the table at him, I felt a smile brush my lips as I realize that he has been staring at me avidly for the last ten minutes.

"What's with you Shepherd?"

I watch as he leans back in his chair with a smile and a shake of his head, "I was just noticing how nice my life has become all of a sudden. I'm about to become a father and it's with you, something I never thought would happen and I'm happy. It's a feeling, I'm not used to but its one that I'm glad exists."

I feel my heart start beating abnormally as I reach for the glass of water in front of me and I blurt out the secret I had been hiding, "Alan came by to see me this afternoon."

I place my glass down without meeting his eyes; I didn't want to see the disappointment or the anger that resided there. I was shocked when I looked up and saw him grinning at me in disbelief, "Addison, I had a feeling that you had a visitor when I saw the two glasses in the sink. I was just waiting for you to tell me on your own. So what did Coldstone want?"

I shake my head in disbelief and I look into his eyes wanting to see his reaction, "Me. He wants me Derek. He wants to date me."

The smile never leaves his eyes as he shakes his head at me, "He is persistent I have to give him that. I just hope he realizes he's fighting a losing battle."

I gasp as I stand up in shock, "What do you mean a losing battle?"

I sit back down as the weight of my belly keeps me from making more of a statement. He sighs and shakes his head, "Addison, you love me. You are scared now and I get that but I want you to understand that I'm not giving up on us. You can go out on dates with Coldstone, he can hold your hand across the table and even give you a kiss goodnight but it won't be the same and you know it."

I hear the truth in his words but refuse to rise to the bait, I was trying to live my life without him and I would be damned if he snubbed my attempt to move on. "I want to try with Alan. I want to be happy with someone who loves me for everything I am, with all of my defects and all of the knowledge up front."

I stand up and start walking towards my bedroom as he clears his throat from behind me, "Addison, I'm not saying you don't deserve to be loved like that. I know that you deserve to be loved like that; I want to be the man that loves you like that. I want to be the man that makes your eyes light up, I want to be the one by your side when our son takes his first step and I want all of those things with you."

I shake my head in negation; I didn't want to listen to what my heart was saying. My heart was a traitor and it wanted him, my brain however was functioning at the moment, "You had that chance Derek. I loved you so much, I built my life around you until I didn't know where you ended and I began and you know what happened? I lost myself when you let down your part of the bargain, the love, the trust and the need that I had for you continued to go unfulfilled and I made the worst mistake of my life. I turned to your best friend to get you to see me; I just wanted you to see me, even if it was in a negative manner. Don't you understand? I was so desperate for your attention that I did anything to make you understand that I needed you. You weren't there and now Alan wants to be and I want to try. I want to try to be happy."

I feel exhausted after my discourse and I shuffle into the bedroom and close the door behind me as I fall to the bed in tears.

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I had just about closed my eyes for the night when I heard my door open and I looked up. I shake my head when I saw him in the doorway. He enters the room and close the door behind him and shuffle over to me and takes the other side of the bed and gets in. I'm too shocked to even speak so I allow him this concession.

I turn over until I'm lying on my back as I wait for him to speak. I know I left him open mouthed after dinner but I didn't want to fight anymore, I don't want to fight now so I wait on bated breath for his next words.

"I never let you know how sorry I was for everything I put you through during our marriage. Marriage takes two and I never really owned up to my own faults in our marriage. Maybe it was just easier to blame everything on your affair with Mark, maybe it was easier to cut my losses and not look at my own defects but whatever it was I let you down and I'm sorry for that."

I feel the tears brim at my eyelids as I nod and he reaches for my hand. I grip it tightly and I wait. Is that it? Was our conversation over? My question was answered, "I know that you feel that you need to date Alan Coldstone to see if you could be happy with someone who isn't me. If you want me to back off, I'll back off but I need you to know that I love you. I love you and I want you and my son, the whole package. Don't try to rationalize in your mind that it's only about Domi, I love my son but I could have joint custody of our son and still not be with you but I want the whole package. I want you, me, Dominic and any other children that we have, I want it with you and I'm willing to wait. You've waited on me for the majority of this relationship and it's my turn to wait for you."

I'm weeping now as I hear the sincerity in his voice but my brain keeps whispering in my ear to not believe so I let it go. I'm helpless to speak because it would mean that I was giving voice to his thoughts.

He sighs and I yearn to be with him and I don't deny myself the chance. I lean down and place my head on his shoulder. I exhale softly as his arms come around me and I feel safe. I feel a safety I know that I can't get anywhere else no matter how many Alan Coldstones there are in the world.

So my poor Addie's hormones are all over the place but she knows that she loves McDouchey (friends over at FF gave me the idea for that wonderful name) but she's scared and after everything can we really blame her? But I will pull them back together in the end, I promise. Also, next two chapters are low on the angst and high on the love, the Addek love!