I personally promise to send an ice cold can of TaB to everyone who reads this chapter... that's right, the sugar-free cola guaranteed to cause cancer in lab rats! Now then, who wants a drink?

The Decline of Scottish Sea Power

Adventure No. 14:

(Part 3)

"I'm Not Even That Strong A Swimmer"

The waters of Wallenpaupack had returned to their previous state of dead calm.

"Well, whatever it was," Stanley narrated with his usual lazy drawl, "it's gone now."

"It's hunting us," Dwight hissed desperately. "It's playing games."

Dwight's coworkers-turned-crew mates seemed unconvinced.

"He's watching us," Dwight insisted, "and laughing."

Jim raised a jimish eyebrow. "The Shark is laughing at us?"

"If you don't accept the danger you're in right now--" Dwight began.

"It's a very dangerous laughing Snark," Oscar said dryly.

"Of course," Jim concurred.

----

Jim: The first job I ever had... I worked as a busboy and... my manager took one look at me and decided he didn't like me.

Jim-nod.

Jim: He was very serious about cleaning up plates of other people's half-eaten Awful Burgers and I guess he didn't like my attitude.

Pause.

Jim: He fired me on my third day because he didn't like the way I was standing. So...

----

Jim began to speak with noticeable caution. "So, you did this boating thing a lot when you were a kid, right?"

"Yeah," Karen replied beamishly. "I didn't think you remembered that."

Jim nodded, he supposed that was fair enough. "So, if Michael actually sinks this thing, you'd know what to do."

"Well, my Dad never actually sank a boat, but..." then Karen's eyes lit up as she realized where Jim was going with this. "You don't know how to swim, do you?"

"I can swim" Jim argued sheepishly.

Karen strained not to laugh. "Wow, you reallycan't."

After a pause, Jim admitted."I kinda don't want that to get around."

----

Jim: I was always afraid that if Dwight found out I couldn't swim he'd try to drown me...

Pause.

Jim: In the office.

----

Dwight, dead serious: He was right to think that.

----

"What, the Tuna can't swim?" a passing Andy interrupted. "Irony," he sang.

"Thank you, Andy," Jim replied. He turned back to Karen "I just need to know..."

"I'll take care of you," Karen assured him.

Jim gave her a weak appreciative smile.

Karen couldn't help but revel in the fact that Jim was finally beginning to rely on her... it was just a shame they were both going to die at sea. "So, this Snark really has you worried, huh?"

Jim shook his head with mock gravity. "Every night, I wake up screaming."

----

Jim: About eight or nine years ago, I had a part-time job playing the Easter Bunny at the mall, and... at least once a day, some guys would start punching me...

Thoughtful-jim.

Jim: A lot of them would say "this is for Brodie..."

Pause.

Jim: And every day I put on the giant fuzzy bunny head I thought to myself "this is going to be the day they finally kill me."

He lets the absurdity of that recollection hang in the air for a moment.

----

"Hey, Big Turkey," Andy said, trying unsuccessfully to hook an arm around Ryan, who deftly avoided it. "Great to be back together, huh?" He attempted to punch Ryan playfully in the arm, but Ryan took a sizable step back. "The twin kings of Dunder-Mifflin... they should be playing 'the Boys Are Back In Town' when you and I walk into the room."

"Have we ever spoken to each other?" Ryan asked with his usual lack of emotion.

But Andy didn't get through life by listening to other people, and his attentions were already elsewhere. "Hey, what's up with that board?" he asked, pointing with his chin towards a giant piece of paper with a huge black "zero" painted on it.

"That's the death toll from Dwight's Phantom Death Shark," Ryan sighed, his eyes filling thirty-seven Proustian volumes of bored exasperation.

"It's at zero?" Andy asked, looking back to the board in case it had jumped in the last few seconds.

"Well, yeah, but Dwight's confident that it's going to spike up pretty soon," Ryan justified with light sarcasm.

Andy snorted. "Yeah, like Dwight's the guy you want with you in a shark attack."

Ryan couldn't argue the logic of this statement, which only encouraged Andy to try again.

"When that Shark hits, you find me," he grunted, pointing to himself.

Ryan nodded, less enthusiastically then half-asleep or about to be sick.

Not that Andy had ever been able to tell the difference. "I'll settle his hash," Andy proclaimed with herculean confidence.

Safe in the knowledge that he was in the hands of so talented a caretaker, Ryan wandered off in a blank desperation.

Time to find Kelly again.

----

Jim: One year on vacation, we went to visit family in Bedford and... I took a part-time job working at my Uncle's store...

Pause.

Jim: He sold live bait and coffee.

Jim-nod.

Jim: But was it worse than this?

Pause.

Jim: Well...

----

"Michael," Pam said cautiously as she approached him with cat-like silence, "did you know there are no lifeboats on this ship?"

Despite what he went on to say, Michael's reaction made it clear that he knew that very well. "What? Of course there are! I mean... What?"

This wasn't the first time Pam had wished she was bigger and scarier; she drew herself up and said his name again in a tone she hoped was intimidating, but feared fell closer towards frightened concern. "Michael..."

"Pam, I am the captain of this vessel and you do not question the captain!" Michael shouted shakily. "That's treason."

Pam considered pointing out it would actually be mutiny, but decided that wouldn't help matters any. "It's just..."

But Michael just kept barreling along at full speed. "When Homer went on that odyssey in Greece, did Lenny and Carl ask him about lifeboats?"

"Michael, Odysseus killed his whole crew," Pam pointed out.

"Maybe it was his crew'sfault," he hissed, trying to hide the fact that he had obviously not known that. "Maybe if, instead of all those whining Greeks he would have had those guys from the 300 who knew how to follow orders they'd all still be alive today."

Pam took a deep breath. In all the years she had dealt with Michael, interacting with him closer than almost any human being previously had, Pam had yet to find the key to get him to submit to normal human logic. When someone called him on the glaring improbabilities of his world view he'd either get defensive or crumple into a fetal ball and refuse to talk about it. Was there any way she could convey the feelings of her coworkers to Michael in a way that even he could understand?

Just then, Karen walked into the control room.

"Micheal, my boyfriend's convinced that you're going to get him killed," Karen said simply. When she noticed Pam, Karen gave a polite "hi, Pam" which Pam dutifully returned.

And then she was gone just as quickly as she had come in.

For a moment, Michael merely stood there unsure how to react.

----

Michael: Do I believe there's a shark in this lake?

Pause.

Michael: I can't say.

Pause.

Michael: I mean, most urban legends are based on fact, right? Look at the "in the butt, Bob" story.

He nods.

Michael: Everyone said that was a myth, too.