Mortal Kombat: Deception Mayhem!
Chapter 3:
Hotaru stood outside of Onaga's palace, doing guard duties, when Baraka suddenly showed up.
"Halt," said Hotaru, "Who goes..."
"Yeah, yeah," said Baraka, "It's me. Calm down pretty boy."
"Well," said Hotaru, "If it isn't the smelly little Tarkatan warrior. I assume your mission was a complete failure..."
"Sorry to inform you," said Baraka, "But my mission was of great success. Of course, you, being a Seidan, are too stupid to realize my abilities as a military leader."
"Take that back!"
"It's true! You and your Seidan buddies have been hunting my kind for years like we were some kind of stupid, savage race!"
"You are a stupid, savage race, and if we weren't both working for Onaga, I'd take my naginata and shove it up your ass!"
"Whatever happened to preserving order and neutrality?"
"Fuck neutrality, I'm gonna go chaotic on your butt!"
"Oh yeah? Bring it on!"
Just then, Tanya walked outside and stepped between the two.
"Boys," she said, "Listen, I don't care if you guys were enemies in the past, you'll be working together from now on! Got that?"
"Yes, ma'am..." said the two men at once.
"Now," continued Tanya, "I have an important message for the two of you - Particularly Baraka...
Onaga sat on his throne, snoozing. And by throne, I mean his toilet. Just then, the Dragon King heard a noise.
"Huh?' he said, "Who's there?"
He looked down at his amulet, which began glowing.
"Onaga," said the amulet, "It is I..."
"Can it be?" asked Onaga, "The One Being?"
"Yes," said the amulet, "I am the One Being, communicating with you through this amulet."
"Shit," said Onaga, "Why kind of long distance charges do you have to pay on an amulet?"
"What?" asked the One Being, "None you fool! Now, listen up! Why haven't you fused the Kamidogu yet?"
"When the Gods split the realms, they created some kind of secret code to make sure no one fuses them back. I don't know what it is or where to find it. But I promise you, I'm looking for it!"
"Damn it!" said the One Being, "You better! I can't stand being some stupid soul floating around. I wanna be complete again! I want one perfect realm back together."
"I understand, Sir."
"Now, I must go! Do your job, and for God's sake, ease up on the burritos! It smells like a pig farm here!"
The amulet ceased glowing.
"Woah," said Onaga, "I gotta lay off the smack..."
"WHAT?" screamed Baraka.
"Geez," said Tanya, "Lower your voice. We don't want to disturb the Dragon King during his afternoon sauna session!"
"I can't calm down!" said Baraka, "My entire 5th platoon is dead! DEAD!"
"As much as I hate the Tarkatan and his troops," began Hotaru, "I must admit, this is a great tragedy for us..."
"Fuck yeah, it is!" said Baraka, "How did this happen?"
"Witnesses say they saw a man clad in blue suddenly jump onto the scene and take out the troops one by one," said Tanya, "He was a very stealthy fighter..."
"Who was it?" asked Hotaru.
"This photograph was taken," replied Tanya, holding up a photo.
Baraka and Hotaru stared at the photo for a while.
"Damn it!" snapped Baraka, "I know him! He's Sub-Zero! Grrrr...He's gonna pay for what he did to my troops! He will taste the wrath of a Tarkatan!"
Baraka roared and unsheathed his elbow blades.
"Easy there, knifey," said Tanya, "I understand that you're desperate to get revenge on your fallen comrades, but you still have an important job to do for Onaga."
"So I'm just gonna sit here and do nothing about it?"
"I'll find this Sub-Zero," declared Hotaru, "I have nothing better to do here!"
"You?" said Baraka, "But I thought you hated the Tarkata!"
"I do," began Hotaru, "But Tanya's right...We are allies. And if this Sub-Zero is going around killing Tarkata, then he is just as much an enemy of mine!"
"I don't trust you," snapped Baraka.
"Well," began Tanya, "I couldn't care less. Hotaru, pack up your stuff and get ready to leave tomorrow."
"Yes ma'am," said Hotaru, who then left.
"Damnit, Tanya," snapped Baraka, "I don't think leaving the hunting of Sub-Zero up to Hotaru was a good idea!"
"Why not?" said Tanya, "He's a Seidan guard with decades of experience. He knows what he's doing."
"Yeah, I just feel like I should be the one to go out there..."
"I know, but you have a big job to do here. Hey, let me tell you a story..."
"Oh, boy..."
"Once upon a time, there was a man who worked on a farm. Everyday he spent countless hours feeding the chickens, milking the cows, and harvesting the vegetables. One night, as he slept after a hard day's work, this farmer decided to write a book about his life, as he thought people would be interested in knowing the hard life of a farmer. The next day, this farmer began writing his book. He made it halfway before he realized that his life was extremely boring and repetitive. Plus, he was making so little money for all the hard work he did. People would not be interested in his book. In fact, the farmer himself was not interested. After realizing how dull his life was, he took his own life by shooting his face off with a 12-gauge."
"Um," said Baraka, "What does this story have to do with anything?"
"The point is, you gotta learn to trust others once and a while," replied Tanya.
"Um yeah...Your wisdom is completely fucked up. Now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna go fire oneup in the bathroom. See ya."
Baraka walked away, muttering curses to himself.
"Hmmm," said Tanya, "Oh well."
Kabal, Kira and Kobra found themselves spending the night in a dirty swamp somewhere in the middle of Outworld, as they continued their quest to find Havik. It was late at night, and the trio had set up camp. And what's a camping trip without bonfires and marshmallow-roasting?
"This fucking sucks," said Kira, "I feel like I'm in the girl scouts again!"
She held up a cigarette to the fire, lighting it, and began to smoke.
"You were in the girl scouts?" asked Kobra.
"Yeah," replied Kira, "I got kicked out after I got caught smoking crack. Also, I beat one of the monitors with a tennis racket."
"Damn girl," said Kobra, "You're feisty! I like that..."
"Err yeah, right," said Kira.
"Aaaaah," said Kabal, "Isn't this the best? Outdoors on a cool summer night, sitting by the fire, roasting marshmallows, you don't know how lucky you youngsters have it!"
"Is this what being a Black Dragon really is like?" asked Kira, "Because if you pull out a guitar and start going all Kumbaya on me, I'm gonna stab someone...Preferably this guy here."
She pointed at Kobra.
"Huh?" asked Kobra, who had just picked out an enormous booger.
"Hell no!" said Kabal, "There will be killing, mayhem, anarchy...The world will be ours! HEY! Where did my hookswords go?"
"Wow," said Kobra, "These things make great marshmallow roasters!"
Kobra held up Kabal's hookswords to the fire. There were marshmallows at the end of the hooks.
"Fuck you," snapped Kabal, "How dare you take my swords without asking!"
Kabal took back his swords, which were now covered in white goo.
"Aww," said Kabal, "They're all fucking sticky now!"
"Sorry sir," said Kobra, "But man, they really do work!"
"Do you realize how many people I've killed without washing these things?"
Kobra began to feel sick. Kira laughed.
"I think I'm gonna hit the hey now," said Kobra.
"Me too," said Kira, throwing away her cigarette butt.
As the two Black Dragons crawled into their sleeping bags, Kabal stuck a marshmallow at the end of his hooksword and began to roast it.
"Kobra's right!" said Kabal, "These things really do work!"