Slowly, the joyful enthusiasm that she had felt was replaced by a mixture of sadness and awkwardness. Now that her reason set in again, she felt the inevitable question about how things should go on raise inside of her. She had just had sex with her twenty-years-older boss – incredibly good sex, but still, Gibbs had made very clear to her that he would not accept relationships between agents. And she was sure that he would make no exception where himself was concerned.
With her heart torn between fear, desperation and confusion, she waited for him to say something. Anything.
When he didn't, her insecurity became unbearable and almost ashamed she covered her nakedness with one of the sheets from his bed.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs didn't know what to say – or what to do. He had made love to Caitlin Todd, the incredibly sexy woman whom he had wanted since he had first caught glimpse of her on Air Force One.
Make love, he mused silently. It was a weird term for what they had been doing, since, up to now, neither of them had spoken of any kind of emotion aside from desire. He didn't know what she felt for him. Neither did he know what he felt for her. He had loved more than one woman in the past – at least he believed that he had done – and it had always ended in betrayal or disappointment.
So for now he wouldn't admit to more than a certain affection for her – and physical attraction obviously.
Yet, he could truly say that he had never been in a comparable situation in his whole life. Surely, he had had affairs and one night stands – he even had an affair with a co-worker once, but all of those experiences had not ended very pleasantly.
And now he had slept with his subordinate, a woman who was young enough to be his daughter – maybe not quite, but the age difference was still considerable enough to have people talk about it. The fact that he was her superior would add to the rumors.
He had violated his own principles in two ways – he was sure he could even come up with a third way if he gave it enough thought.
He hated himself for that feeling of insecurity, firstly because he didn't know how Kate felt or what she was thinking. And secondly because having sex with her had turned his whole life – and not only his private life, but even more his professional life - upside down.
That was exactly why his reason had told him that this was a bad idea from the start, yet he had decided not to listen. And now here he was, having lost control of his life and unable to come up with anything appropriate to say to the woman he had just had the most incredible experience of his life with. He had never been good with words – especially not where women were concerned.
When she covered her body, he realized he should say something to ease the upcoming tension between them, but what could you say to your subordinate in a situation like this? Their professional relationship was officially ruined, that much he could determine. Taking it more slowly would probably have erased that problem in the first place, but since they had completely skipped the dating and getting to know each other better parts, they would have to deal with it now.
The kiss in the elevator had been one thing – they had been able to maintain their professionalism and not ever talk about it again. It had been some kind of silent agreement between them. Sex was on a completely different level though. There was no way they could just not talk about it. But there was also no way to talk about it and remain professional.
That, he thought grumpily to himself and sighed, is exactly the reason for rule number twelve!
Kate, who had of course heard his sigh and interpreted it as a sign of regret on his part, cleared her throat and then hesitantly sat up. All the possible consequences of the moment that they had given in to passion dawned on her at that very second. From having to transfer to having to leave the NCIS altogether; not to mention the worst of all which was that, in any case, she would have to part from her team.
Most likely Gibbs would refuse to continue working in the same team with her. He was too professional to do otherwise, because every kind of relationship between them could lead to a distraction during work.
That was why she had ended her relationship with Tim when she had still been with the Secret Service.
In their job, distraction could easily cost either their own or another person's life at one point or the other.
The desperation of her situation became unbearable to her. The feeling of bliss had turned into an increasing need to cry, and that was the last thing that she wanted to do in front of him. She knew from the few personal things that he had said during investigations that a crying woman was probably the last thing that he wanted to have next to him in bed.
Pulling all her strength together, she got up and, with still shaky legs, collected her clothes that lay spread throughout the whole room. Unable to find her panties, she finally raised to her full height, not daring to look at her boss.
"I think I should go..." she explained as calmly as she could manage.
He didn't answer.
'Say something', she begged silently, 'Ask me to stay.' One word of him, one assurance that everything was okay, and she would do anything for him.
He looked at her, although he could barely see her in the shadow.
She wanted to leave – just like that. He couldn't take her sudden retreat as anything else but a sign of regret on her part.
"Where are you going?" he asked, more gruffly than intended. He actually wanted to ask her to stay, to sleep here next to him and wake up with him in the morning. But then again, he thought bitterly, maybe that's too much to ask. Maybe all they had shared had been plain, hot sex – nothing more.
"I..." Kate started, fighting to keep her voice from shaking and betraying the tears that were swelling up in her eyes. "I should go to my room. We have to be up early tomorrow, the plane leaves around noon."
Silence. Again he preferred not to answer. The connection they had just shared only moments ago seemed to have completely broken down, and had left behind nothing but a feeling of emptiness and disappointment. Emotions that were based on misunderstandings caused by their inability to tell each other what they felt deep inside.
When he simply nodded and dismissed her with the word, "Alright," Kate turned. She didn't care that she almost fled the room, only dressed in one of the sheets that she had carelessly wrapped around herself to shield her naked body from looks. She needed to get out instantly. It was too much for her to bare.
She hadn't completely closed the door to her room, when the tears started to flow down her cheeks and she broke down in sobs. Not caring for where she was, she dropped to the ground, her back touching the cool wood of the door while her body was shaken by her helpless crying.
How could her life have turned into a disaster from one hour to the other, and most importantly by something that had been so wonderful.
"Damned," she exclaimed, unable to stop the tears from running over her cheeks, and hit the ground with her fist. She had known the consequences of an affair with a colleague, not to mention her boss.
She had known his opinion of it. But how could he be such a bastard to dismiss her just like that – as if he didn't care at all. As if she had been nothing more than a nice pass-time.
"That's what you get from sleeping with your superior," she murmured to herself bitterly and forced herself to lift from the ground. She was strong enough to handle this – to handle him. She had to be...
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Leroy Jethro Gibbs simply stared at the point from where she had vanished – just like that. No, not just like that, he reminded himself and closed his eyes with a groan. What had he been thinking to dismiss her? Couldn't he just for one single time in his life act like a caring person and not like a bastard?
There it was – he was already starting to push her away. Because he was afraid of her, or rather of himself. She threatened everything he believed in, shattered every principle that he had lived after. And the worst thing was that, the more he pushed her away, the more he seemed to want her.
Anger started to build up inside him. She was a hard-ass, why had she just left. Of course, he had told her to go, but an order from him had never prevented her from contradicting him.
"Idiot!" he growled to himself. What did he expect? He was her boss and he had shown no sign that he wanted her to stay. Their professional relationship put him in the position to act, he should have given her any indication that he wanted her to stay.
He growled. He would not just let her leave like he let his ex-wives. If she thought she could just run out on him after what they had shared, and pretend nothing had happened, she was wrong.
In the morning, they would have to face each other and then he would make very clear to her that he would not accept to be nothing more than a one-night-stand to her.
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"Time and time again
Patiently I've waited
For this moment to arrive
After tonight
Will you remember
How sweet and tenderly
You reached for me
And pulled me closer
After you go
Will you return to love me
After the night becomes the day
After tonight begins to fade."
(Lyrics Taken From Mariah Carey "After Tonight")
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