chapter 5: rehab blues
working up the nerve to talk to his father was tough enough for cao pi, now he had to tell his dad that they were putting him in a rehab setting and cutting him off from his obsession.
"father we need to talk".
"nah not right now...im making a new law where everyone is required to have long hair".
"...right, ok now dad were gonna have a intervention".
"what the hell is that? is it a metal band?...have you finally converted to metal my son?!".
cao pi smacked his forehead and looked down, his father, one of the most brilliant men in wei is now compairable to a retarded monkey.
"no father...its kinda like a hospital, but with no metal".
"...you son of a bitch".
cao cao stood up calmly and leaped at his son, cracking his skull against cao pi's. Looking around to find something to beat his now unconsious son with, he found a jade figurine that he used to drop onto his sons...well between his sons legs. After doing that he did what every self-respecting metalhead would do at a moment like this, fart on his sons face.
"I OWN YOU!!!! OWWWW!".
running while looking back at his son, he ran through the doors of the throne room. Turning his head back forward so he can run normally, he ran right into Dian wei's fist. Dian then picked up cao cao and carried him to the designated room for the intervention. In this room there were seats in a circle, and dian put cao cao in one. As cao cao awoke, he came face to face with all the people that this incident has effected. Cao pi was the first to speak up to his father, still in pain from the last thing that was dropped between his legs.
"father i need to tell you that i probably wont have children".
"...so? we dont need anymore retards in this family".
cao pi sat down slowly, biting his lip in pain as he did. xu zhu was the next to speak to his lord, still loyal to him even after the headbutts from hell.
"my lord, you hurt me so...did i do anything to hurt you?".
"no! you just were there and i needed to vent...".
xu zhu nodded in agreement and sat down, much to the dismay of everyone else. dian wei came after xu zhu to speak to cao cao, and he was not happy.
"my lord, you hit your sons privates, headbutt a simple man and tell women to take off their tops".
"and? it sounds normal to me".
zhen ji stood up, not being able to take it anymore.
"you tell me to take off my top and your ruining my and cao pi's chances for children!".
"ok you need to either show me the twins or get over it".
zhen looked at him more pissed than ever before, reaching to her flute she raised it over her head and was aiming for cao cao's skull when dian stopped her.
"no lady zhen, he can be saved. the real cao cao is a strong man...he's in there somewhere".
cao cao looked at dian with the look skeptics give pictures of bigfoot, shaking his head he let out a laugh.
"are you on crack or something mr.clean?".
they all looked at each other, the intervention was not working...step two was rehab.
in another more secluded room
cao cao sat alone with xiahou dun, reaching over to his side he handed three dolls to cao cao.
"ok cao cao, pretend that doll is you and those two are cao pi and...dian wei".
"ok!".
cao cao began playing with the dolls, he then made the doll of himself headbutt the two.
"yeah thats how i basically rule...with a iron fist".
xiahou watched him and leaned back, this did not look good for cao cao.
"ok thats you still but that one is huang and that one is...guan yu".
cao cao made his doll and the huang one start jumping up and down on the guan yu doll.
"yeah, thats it...take that you bearded douche".
"ooook now just using one, pretend that one is zhen ji".
cao cao took off the dolls shirt
"yeah thats all shes good for".
xiahou stood up and went outside the room, closing the door behind him. Looking to everyone else he sighed and shook his head.
"this metal...has messed him up really good".
"how bad is it?".
"he's worse than lubu".
everyone was in shock, cao cao's mind worse than lubu's!?. As they pondered on what to do next with the man, a suggestion was thrown on the table by none other than sima Yi who magically appeared out of god knows where. He looked over to xiahou and began to converse with him.
"what if we play regular music when he's asleep?".
"wait sima i thought you liked metal?".
"yeah, but cao cao's getting annoying...he threw a wet piece of paper on my face yesterday...as much as the music is good, its getting out of hand...also threats against my balls are becoming too common".
"i agree with the music idea, and the threats against the balls".
"shall we try it tonight then?".
everyone nodded their heads, this had to work. They didnt want send him buried upside down in a box of dirt to japan, because for some reason they knew if he got to japan it would be hell. He would convert everyone there to metalheadism, causing a uprising in japan that could spread to china as well. That, and those people love the crazies too much for their own good.
DUN DUN DUUUUUNN!!!! this maybe the end for metalhead cao cao...or just the beginning!? could cao cao travel to japan and convert people their to metalheadism? this may become a dynasty warriors crossover with samurai warriors. the timelines might not fit, but what the hell its my fic!!!.