Akatsuki: Attack Of The Tobi
Don't Naruto Own You…? WHAT!? NO WAIT!! I don't own Naruto…yeah. If I did, I'd make Itachi do the Macarena before every battle.
Chapter 14: …….SHIT!! I FORGOT!!
As The days went by, and by Days, I mean the 24 hours since the Akatsuki separated and joined the red and blue armies, things became dull. And I MEANdull. Hidan thinks his toothbrush is mocking him. "IT'S TRUE!! JUST LOOKAT IT'S SMUG LITTLE FACE!!" Hidan yelled. "HIDAN!! GET OUT OF THERE!! I NEED TO GO BAAAAAD YEAH!!" Deidara begged, on his knees in front of the bathroom door. "NO!! NOT UNTIL IT REVEALS ITS PLANS TO OVERTAKE THE RED ARMY!!" Hidan yelled. "IT'S A TOOTHBRUSH FOR GOD'S SAKE!! SOON YOU'RE GONNA BE SAYING THAT THE TOOTHPASTE WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!!" Deidara started banging on the door. "IT IS!? I KNEW IT!! YOU LIE!! YOU LIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!!!" Hidan screamed. A minute later, toothpaste was oozing out from under the door. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" Deidara yelled. "I'M MAKING SURE THAT THE ENTIRE TOOTHPASTE CIVILIZATION NEVER PLANS ANYTHING AGAINST ANYBODY AGAIN!!!" Hidan answered. "YOU INSANE F#$TARD!! GET OUTTA THERE!!!" Deidara got his clay. "YOU FORCE ME TO DO THIS…YEAH!!" Deidara molded the clay into… what was it? Oh yeah… Hidan's head. He wanted to see his head blow up. "FIRE IN THE HOLE!!" Deidara yelled, detonating the clay. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!!!!)
"WHAT THE HELL!?" Sasori yelled. "GRIFF!! GO SEE WHAT THE HELL THOSE TWO ARE DOING DOWN THERE!!" Sarge commanded. "But Sarge, they might kill me!!" Griff said. "All the more reason for you to go down there! Get Moving!!" Sarge yelled. "(sigh) Itachi, when I die, make sure everyone stays away from my funeral." Griff said. "Dude, they wouldn't even hold a funeral for you." Itachi responded. "Thanks Itachi. I knew I could count on you!" Griff said sarcastically. Griff walked towards the bathroom… or… what was left of it. "What the hell are you two doing!?" Griff asked. "Mocking…all mocking me… plotting… waiting…" Hidan murmured in a fetal position. "What the hell's this retard talking about?" Griff asked Deidara. "He thinks that everything in the bathroom was planning to overthrow the red base…yeah." Deidara explained. "What kind of Bullshit is that!? Hidan, why are you so full of bullshit!?" Griff asked. "You know what? Throw him in the hole." Griff said. "We have a hole now?" Deidara asked. "Yeah. Where the bathroom used to be." Griff pointed to the gaping hole in the floor.
AT BLUE BASE
"Hey is that smoke?" Kisame asked, pointing outside. "Hidan probably had one of his 'episodes' again…" Kakuzu said. " 'episodes'…?" Kisame repeated. "He goes crazy every once in a while… long story." Kakuzu said. Just then, a knock was heard at the door. "Is that a…delivery plane…? IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE!?" Kisame asked. "Oh that must be me and Tobi's Pizza…" Zetsu said walking to the door. "WE CAN GET PIZZA!?" Kisame asked again. "Hello?" Zetsu opened the door. "Hello. Pizza delivery-AAAAHHHHHH!!!! AHHHH! AHHHH! AAAAAHHH!!!!!! (holds up a gun to his head) TALKING PLANT!! AAHHH! AHHH(shoots himself)." The delivery man just killed himself. "He acts like he's never seen a talking plant before. God, some people. Tobi you're pizza's here." Zetsu called. "Yay Pizza! Pizza good like Tobi!" Tobi said, stuffing the pizza through the mask. Another knock was heard at the door. "I'll get it." Kisame said. When he opened the door, the man screamed, "FISH MUTANT!!" Then he exploded. "WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT!? I HAVE FEELINGS TOO!!!WAAAAH!!" Kisame cried. "Kisame… someone put girl hormones in his coffee again.." Kakuzu said. A third knock was heard. Kakuzu walked to the door. "Yes-" "OH MY GOD!!! DEMON!!!" the man screamed. He then shot himself. "Well… didn't see that one coming." Kakuzu said, closing the door. A Fourth knock was at the door. "We're really popular today!" Tobi said cheerfully walking to the door. "Excuse me young man, can you tell me why half my crew is dead?" The man asked. "Gee… I dunno…" Tobi just remembered what Zetsu told him before they got settled.
"Tobi, if people come to our door delivering pizza for you and we accidentally kill them, anyone at the door after that, kill them." Zetsu said.
"Ok!" Tobi responded.
What an oddly specific direction! Tobi thought. "Sorry, mister, nothing personal." Tobi lifted up his mask.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The man died of a seizure and was foaming at the mouth. A fifth knock was at the door. Flower-chan answered it. "OH MY GOD!! THE RING!!" The man yelled. "Wait no I'm not the ring-" Flower-chan started. "DON'T LIE TO ME!! I'LL DIE MYSELF BEFORE YOU GET ME!!" And with that, the man shot himself. "IS EVERY MAN A RETARD!?" Flower-chan screamed. "I'M A MAN!! I'M NOT RETARDED!!WAAAAAHH!!!" Kisame cried. "Oh god… Can someone please tell me why there 1…2..3..4…5… 5 corpses in front of our door!?" Church asked angrily. "Uh… well… you see, we ordered pizza and-" Zetsu started. "HOW DOES GETTING PIZZA END UP WITH FIVE CORPSES IN FRONT OF OUR HOUSE!?" Church yelled. "Well… when they saw us, they sorta…died." Kakuzu said. "THEY CALLED ME A FISH MUTANT!! WAAAAAHHHH!!!" Kisame cried. "What the hell…?" Church asked. "Girl Hormones in his coffee…" Kakuzu explained. "Those were girl hormones? I didn't know that! The pills weren't labeled…" Tobi said. "you did this!?" Zetsu asked. "What were Girl hormones doing in an army base anyway!?" Tex asked. In the background, you could see Tucker backing away towards the door. "Ok… all that aside, how did you kill them?" Church asked. "Oh. They all committed suicide or blew up." Kakuzu said. "How can you say that so calmly!?" Church asked. "It happened all the time at our home!" Zetsu said. "What kind of place was that!?" Church asked again. "Well… let's put it this way. This place is heaven compared to what our lives used to be like." Zetsu said.
AT RED BASE
"Hey Sarge! People are constantly dying in front of the Blue base Whenever they answer the door!" Simmons said. "My God… THE BLUES MUST'VE CREATED SOME SORT OF SUPER-DESTRUCTIVE WEAPON TO WIPE OUT THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE!!" Sarge said. "Maybe they could destroy these guys! They've been doing nothing but worshipping their flags nonstop!" Sasori said, pointing to the dozens of red guys in the back. "OOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!! WORSHIP THE FLAG!!! OOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!" They chanted in unison.
"That gives me an idea…" Tex said. She was spying on the red's conversations. "Hey Zetsu! Come here and stand in front of that camera!" Tex called. "Ok… what're you gonna do?" Zetsu asked. "Just stand there and look…. Um… like… like you. Ok?" Tex said. A Giant TV appeared. "When could we afford that!?" Zetsu asked. "I stole it from this guy with red eyed!' Tex turned on the TV. "HEY!! MY PLASMA TV!!" Itachi yelled. "HEY REDS!! LOOK AT THIS!!" Tex called. "Don't look . it might be a trap. Sarge ordered. The flag-worshipers looked at the TV. They saw Zetsu and all exploded. "FINALLY!!" Sasori cheered. "I hate to say this, but THANK YOU!!" Itachi yelled. "AW CRAP!! THE ONE TIME WE DECIDE TO ATTACK WE ACTUALLY HELP THEM!!" Church yelled.
LATER THAT NIGHT…
Itachi was sitting in his room. "Man this is a small room… I miss castle Oblivion…They had a bigger room…" Itachi said to himself. "Itachi… Itachi! ITACHI!!" A voice called. "Woah! Light spirit! Long time no see!" Itachi greeted. "Yeah Yeah. WHAT DID YOU DO!? THE WORLDS ARE MIXED UP!! AND, FOR SOME REASON, IT HAS AKATSUKI STINK ALL OVER IT!!" The light spirit yelled. "AW MAN!! I FORGOT!! MY JOURNEY!!" Itachi said. "OH NOW YOU REMEMBER!! YOU WERE MY RESPONSIBILITY THE SECOND YOU ACCEPTED THIS QUEST!! AND I HAVE TO GET YOU BACK ON TRACK BEFORE THE HIGHER-UPS BUST ME!!" The light spirit yelled. "Well, what do I Do!? Organization XIII doesn't exist anymore!" Itachi asked. "Yeah! Because they got shot to death by the Pringles guy! Anyway… your last task is-" The light spirit said. "Wouldn't it save you some time if you just told me right now?" Itachi cut in. "No, then you wouldn't learn anything!" The light spirit said. "I want you to bring peace to the Red vs. Blue war." The light spirit said. "How do I do that-" Itachi asked. "FIND A WAY!!" And with that, the Light spirit disappeared. "Hmm… this sounds… complicated…" Itachi said to himself.
KISAME'S CORNER
KISAME: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!! ASK ME QUESTIONS!! ANYTHING! HECK!! I'LL ANSWER WHERE BABIES COME FROM!! I'LL ANSWER MY SHOE SIZE!! JUST ASK QUESTIONS! I NEED MONEY-ahem-anyways, all that aside, as you can see (or read) I have to tape this in the bathroom now. I have designed the new Blue team uniform! See? The Akatsuki uniform now has Blue clouds instead of Red! Eh? Is it good? ……………………..well, we have a special guest! He's on camera from the land of giant Turds, Sasuke! Sasuke! How's it going?
SASUKE: It stinks.
KISAME: So it's bad?
SASUKE: Yes, and it literally stinks. WHAT DID YOU GUYS DO TO GET US TRANSPORTED HERE!?
KISAME: Long story. Read the rest of the fic.
SASUKE: I don't have an internet connection!
KISAME: That's too bad!
SASUKE: Wait-
KISAME: BRRRRRRSSSSHHHH!!!!!! WE'RE BREAKING UP SASUKE!!
SASUKE: WHAT!? YOU'RE MAKING THOSE NOISES!!
KISAME: I-BRSSHH-CAN'T-BRSH-TALK RIGHT NOW-BRSH- BYE! (Turns off TV)
KISAME: Our next guest is- (TV turns on to Organization XIII)
ORG.XIII: HEEELLP!!! SOMEONE HEEELP!!! THE PRINGLE PEOPLE ARE CRAZY!! CRAAAZZZZZZYYYYYY!!! (static)
KISAME: Nevermind… but remember everyone! Ask any question you like! I'll answer any question as long as I get paid! So long!
(THIS IS OFFICIALLY A RANSOM NOTE. REVIEW AND ASK A QUESTIONS OR I WON'T UPDATE!! I SEEM CRUEL!! BUT YOU SEE, KISAME NEEDS TO EAT. AND I FEED HIM A GOURMET MEAL EVERY TIME SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENS! (he hasn't eaten in weeks(SO SEND YOUR QUESTIONS!)