Akatsuki: Attack Of The Tobi

(#&()#$&&6. thank you.

Chapter 22: Demons In My Head pt2: Exorcist Wanted

"Ok. Exorcist Wanted. Free food." Deidara read off the new poster he made. "Wait, wait, wait… yeah." Deidara wrote it on the poster. "Do you really have to say that?" The leader asked. "Look. I haven't said 'yeah' at all lately. I think it's time to get back to basics…yeah." Deidara said. "Ok… but… where are we going to get free food?" The leader asked. "Well, we could find some stuff around the house…yeah." Deidara said. "ONE: This isn't a house. It's a barn. TWO: We're so poor, we couldn't afford basic cable. How are we supposed to give people free food!?" The leader questioned. "I… don't know." Deidara replied. "sigh… fine. We'll just ask Sasuke to help. He's an exorcist… right?" The leader looked at Itachi. "NO!1 NU UH!! NO WAY !! SASUKE IS EEEEVVVIIIL!!!" Itachi said. "And… you're not?" Kisame asked. "I DON'T KNOW THAT FOR SURE!! THE DEMONS COULD BE PLOTTING SOMETHING… YEAH!!1 AND THEY'RE PLANNING TO, LIKE, KILL ME MENTALLY AND…. STUFF! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Itachi laughed. Kisame slapped Itachi. "DON'T GO CRAZY ON ME NOW!! WE NEED YOU TO STAY SANE SO SASUKE CAN KILL THOSE DEMONS!! SO SHUT UP!!" Kisame yelled. "Ok. I'll go get Sasuke… yes." The leader said. "No, I'll get him." Itachi said. A few bumps were heard. Then gunshots. Then a huge explosion. Then Itachi came out, dragging Sasuke behind him. "Let's go!" Itachi said cheerfully. Then he frowned. "I just … wanted to enjoy my last evil act…" Itachi said, suddenly gloomy. "Oh Itachi, Itachi, Itachi. You'll still be evil, even when the demons are out- Is that your mom?" Kisame said. "Did you kill her again?" Deidara asked. "Yeah." Deidara forgot to say that. Yes. "No. I killed her once, shame on her. Kill her twice. Shame on me. So I just knocked her out. I figured I'd need a Mom when iturn all good and all…" Itachi said. "ITACHI!! YOU SAY THAT AGAIN, I'LL SHOVE SAMEHADA UP YOUR ASS!!" Kisame yelled. "…………. What the hell kind of threat is that?" The leader asked. "… shut up…" Kisame said. "Anyway, let's get this over with." The leader said. Sasuke woke up and saw Itachi. "ITACHI!! YOU MUST DIE!!" Sasuke yelled, before Zetsu whacked him in the head with a 2x4. "WHAT WAS THAT!? YOU COULD'VE KILLED HIM!!" Sasori yelled. "……….." Zetsu continued whacking Sasuke. "STOP THAT!! WE NEED HIM FOR THE EXORCISM!!" The leader yelled, getting the 2x4 away from him.

AT THE AKATSUKI…. BARN…

"Ok…. You're heads in a … pretty F#$ ed up state Itachi." Sasuke said, observing Itachi's head. "Don't you think I know that!? HOW DO YOU GET IT OUT!?" Itachi yelled. "Hmm…. Let's talk numbers. I need to make a major exorcism ere, so…normally it would cost 100 dollars… but for you… um… 10,000 DOLLARS PER DEMON." Sasuke said. "$10,000!? WE ONLY HAVE 50 CENTS!!" Itachi held up the quarters. A crow came and took one away. "… 25 cents!!" Itachi said. Zetsu ate the last quarter. "ZETSU!! WHAT THE HELL!?" The leader yelled. "I'm HUNGRYYYY!!!" Zetsu complained. "sigh… Ok… how about we give you… this stack of hay." The leader dropped a stack of hay in front of Sasuke. "Yeah… no. $10,000 or Itachi dies. I prefer the second option." Sasuke commented. "ARRGGHH!! CAN'T YOU POINT US TO A DIFFERENT EXORCIST!?' Deidara yelled. "Yeah… just go to this address tonight… and there you go." Sasuke gave them the piece of paper. "I smell a trap." Zetsu said. "Yeah? Well I SEE a rat that ATE OUR LAST QUARTER!!" Deidara yelled. "I'M HUNGRYYYYY!!!" Zetsu groaned. "I AM TOO! BUT YOU DON'T SEE ME EATING QUARTERS AT RANDOM!!" Deidara shot back.

AT SASUKE'S HOUSE

"Ok Itachi… this'll hurt… a lot." Sasuke said. 'HUH!? W-WAIT!!-" Itachi stuttered. But it was too late. Sasuke already started. 'EXORCISM NO JUTSU!!" Sasuke yelled. Suddenly, Itachi was wearing red and green version of the Akatsuki cloak. He had a star on his head. "Heh heh… you look like a Christmas tree…" Kisame laughed. "SASUKE!! WHAT'D YOU DO!?' Itachi asked irritably. "Sorry… let's try that again…" Sasuke performed it again. This time Itachi was wearing a jedi cloak. 'WHAT THE HELL!? I LOOK LIKE A NERD!!" Itachi yelled. "Ok, now THAT time I did it on purpose. Ok, ok, for real this time." Sasuke did it again. "HEY!! He turned Itachi into Kisame!!" Deidara said. "No, Kisame's Kisame." Sasuke said. "Then where's Itachi go?" Zetsu asked. "Uh oh…" Sasuke murmured.

A LONG TIME AGO IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR, AWAY…

Itachi was on the scrolling credits at the beginning of a Star Wars movie. "WHAT THE F$#!?" Itachi yelled.

"Hey… is that Itachi?" Sasori was watching TV with Mrs. Uchiha. "Oh! My son's a star!!" She exclaimed. "Uh… yeah… a star…" Sasori said.

"Ok, let's try this again…" Sasuke performed the jutsu again. It sent Itachi back, but Kisame went missing. "Hey.. where'd Kisame go?" Deidara asked.

A LONG TIME AGO IN A YADDA YADDA YADDA!! YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!

Kisame was transported right in the middle of the fight between Obi-wan and Darth Maul. "HOLY F$#!!" Kisame yelled. He saw Darth maul fall down that shaft. "Holy crap… you killed him." Kisame said. Obi wan looked at Kisame. "What?" Kisame asked. "Are those…" Obi wan started. "GILLS? Yes. You've seen freaks like me before, right?" Kisame said. "Actually… no." Obi wan replied. "What!? You're kidding!!" Kisame said. "I don't get out much." Obi wan said. "THEN HOW'D YOU GET HERE!?" Kisame asked. "Dude, I'm just an actor. Gimme a break!" Obi wan said. "Oh god… Sasuke, if you're watching this, GET ME OUT!!" Kisame yelled.

"Ok! Kisame here I go-" Sasuke started. "WAIT. LET ME, GET OUT OF THE MAGIC CIRCLE." Itachi said, stepping out of the circle that was poorly drawn on the floor. "Ok, now-" Sasuke started again. "WAIT!!" Itachi grabbed a Tobi guard out of nowhere and put it on the circle. "Ok, now go." Itachi instructed. "Ok! EXORCISM NO JUTSU!!" Sasuke said. The Tobi clone blew up. And Kisame appeared before them. "Ok, what did that have anything to do with ITACHI'S DEMONS!?" Kisame yelled. "Nothing really, I just love messing with you guys. Ok, Itachi, in the circle." Sasuke pointed to the ground. "No tricks?' Itachi said. "I swear on my license on being an exorcist." Sasuke sweared. "Ok." Sasuke performed the jutsu for the… what? 5 time today? Anyway, Itachi was surrounded by black smoke with red eyes. There was a hissing noise. Then, suddenly, It was all gone.

"Well? Is it over?" Itachi asked. "Yup." Sasuke said. Everyone stared behind Itachi. "What? Is my costume different?" Itachi asked. Everyone shook their heads. "Do I look like a good guy?" Itachi asked again. Everyone shook their heads again. "Is there a freakishly large beast with a large white mask, yellow eyes, and an antenna sticking out of its head breathing down my neck?" Itachi asked. Everyone nodded. "Oh. Shit." Itachi said, looking behind him. He saw a hollow that would later be called "Grand Fisher" In Bleach. "Wow… that was what was in my head? No wonder I Killed my mom first." Itachi said. He heard the Hollow growl. "Oh right. Run away… AAAHHH!!!" Itachi was smashed into the ground. Sasuke performed a transportation jutsu and teleported it to the Soul Society, where it would torture them instead of us for a VERY long time.

"SASUKE!! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?" Deidara yelled. "It's a hollow. I know all the details, but I'm not going to waste my time explaining it, so, I'll be expecting oh… I don't know, $100,000 by tomorrow? Good. Bye now!" Sasuke waved and left. "……………." Everyone was speechless. "Sasuke, leave them alone, they don't have money." Sasuke's mother said. "But Moooommm!" Sasuke whined. "Now Sasuke, he's your brother." She scolded. "Ugh… fine, $100." Sasuke said. "That's better. Ok, see you boys later!" She waved also and left. "Oh, a hundred?" Kisame asked. He handed Sasuke a wad of cash. "Where'd you get this!?" Sasuke asked, amazed. "Oh I ripped it off of that Obi wan Guy. He was loaded." Kisame commented. "Oh… well… ok … I'll just… leave now." Sasuke said.

THE NEXT DAY

Sasuke was in bed. When he woke up, he saw another bed beside his. When did that get there…? He thought tiredly as he looked closer. Someone was in that bed. It wasn't until that person turned around did Sasuke start panicking. "HOLY F$#!! IT'S ITACHI!!" Sasuke screamed. "Quiet down you little brat, I'm still sleeping…" Itachi murmured. 'NO YOU'RE NOT!!" Sasuke flipped the bed over and Itachi fell off. "GAAHHK!!' He yelled, waking everyone up. He fell down the stairs, Sasuke was running down to finish him off until he saw all the Akatsuki members either hanging out or helping out Mrs. Uchiha with various house chores. "Mom I just want to ask WHAT THE F!# ARE THEY STILL DOING HERE!!!!" Sasuke yelled "Oh, I decided to let your brother and his friends live with us for a while, you know, until they get back on their feet." Mrs. Uchiha said. "Yup! Which means, we're roommates!!' Kisame exclaimed. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Sasuke screamed. "Yes." Itachi said.

KISAME'S CORNER

KISAME: The leader will not be staying with us. He says we can stay HERE if we want, but, he's going to stay at our old barn and be faithful to the Akatsuki Goals. I don't even remember what they were anymore. Anyway, joining me is Mikoto Uchiha (a.k.a Sasuke's mom) and Sasuke!

SASUKE: I… I KILL YOU!!!

MIKOTO: Sasuke, that's rude. And we're on national television!

SASUKE: He's rude.

KISAME: Nice… to have you… anyway, first question!

Kisame, If the leader suspiciously died, who would take his place?

From: FearTheFan

KSIAME: Well, it would probably go in the order of who is the most sane right now. Me being first, then Itachi, then Sasori, then Zetsu, then … Kakuzu? Then Hidan, then Deidara. Tobi's out of the question.

SASUKE: Then when HE dies… BOOM!! NO MORE AKATSUKI!!! AHAHAHAHAHA IT'S THE PERFECT PLAN!! AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA-

MIKOTO: Be quiet Sasuke, it's degrading.

SASUKE: Sorry mom…

KISAME: pfft… momma's boy.

SASUKE: Grr…

KISAME: NEXT QUESTION!!

What's the Leader's Name?

From; lily-kun

KISAME: If we knew we wouldn't be calling him LEADER ALL THE TIME!! NEXT QUESTION!!!

Do you have a girlfriend? P.S. Since you're all in a crisis with money I will send you 10,0 TD… that is… if you give me Hidan. Don't worry, I won't try to kill him… much.

From: PhoenixCharmer116

KISAME: Hmm… do I have a girlfriend? No. If I did, I wouldn't be here. And as for the Hidan part…

HIDAN: (in background, shakes head rapidly saying no)

KISAME: We honestly couldn't care less if you killed Hidan.

HIDAN: (gives Kisame a "WTF" look)

KISAME: So GO AHEAD AND SEND IN THAT MONEY!! NEXT QUESTION!!

SASUKE: Hidan's right there.

KISAME: (looks at Hidan) Oh… well, good. I don't have to explain why he's going away.

Let's just say that no one in the Akatsuki were evil. What would they each do? Besides Zetsu because we all know that he'll win the nobel peace prize for curing cancer.

From: Theteacher

Kisame: Well… I would probably be wasting my life in front of Johnny's Fishbowls, advertising for people to buy fishbowls for fishes that will die once you put them in the bowl.

ITACHI: I'd still be in the Uchiha clan.

DEIDARA: I'd have opened an art shop, selling my art for money, then, detonating it when they least expect it… yeah.

SASORI: I'd make a shitload of puppets in some guys basement.

ZETSU: I'd … yes… I WOULD solve cancer. That, or the alternative… working at the Yamanaka Flower shop…

LEADER: I'd still be the fourth Hokage

Mystery MEMBER: …………. I wouldn't be a mystery.

TOBI: Tobi would be a bad boy.

KISAME: TOBI!? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!?

TOBI: I heard you!! I watch your show every day!

KISAME: I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS!!! GET OUT!!

TOBI: BUT TOBI'S A GOOD BOY!!

KISAME: NO, TOBI'S GETTING THE HELL OUT OF HERE BEFORE I KICK HIS ASS INTO 2086!!

TOBI: (runs)

HIDAN: well… I'd probably still be PhoenixCharmer116… locked in his/her/ celler…

Kakuzu: I'd open my own Casino! And scam people into giving me ALL THEIR MONEY!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

SASUKE: I Think they forgot we were here…

MIKOTO: I think so too…

Sasuke: Well, the author told me to play this. She says it's the preview to the next chapter. (puts DVD in DVD player)

In the Tape:

ITACHI: Hey Sasuke, did you hear? Mom's dating again.

SASUKE: What!? Where'd that come from?

ITACHI: She seems to be going out more often, the leader's been calling frequently too.

SASUKE: O.O

ITACHI: And, personally, I'm scared.

SASUKE: This is serious…

ITACHI: Yeah I know. This is TOTALLY off the story plot.

SASUKE: I sure hope it's not your boss… then the author would have opened up a fresh new crack-pairing…

ITACHI: (shiver)

SASUKE: (shiver)

DUN DUN DUN!!!