Akatsuki: Attack Of The Tobi

Dr. Weird from ATHF: GENTLEMEN!!! (and ladies) BEHOLD!!! THE LAST CHAPTER OF ATTACK OF THE TOBI!!!

Steve: Why are we doing this?

Weird: BECAUSE WE'RE PAID STEVE!! NOW SAY THE ANNOUNCEMENT!!

Steve: But you already said it!

WEIRD: JUST SAY IT STEVE!!!

LEADER: GET OUT OF HERE!! OUT! OUT! OUT!!!

Chapter 24: Akatsuki: Attack of the Deidara

"Ok! Everyone in position?" The leader said through the walkie-talkie from who-knows-where. "Yes." Everyone replied. "And… everyone remember the plan?" The leader asked. "FOR THE THOUSANDTH TIME THIS HOUR!! YES!!" Everyone, surprisingly, said at the same time. "Hey… you're shouting, don't shout… ok?" The leader said slowly, trying to calm everyone down. "So… Leader… where ARE you?" Itachi asked. "Oh I'm in the mountains a mile away from here. Look behind you. In THOSE mountains." The leader said. "Uh… that's 60 miles away." Itachi said. "Oh really? Oh well, the farther the better." The leader shrugged off. "So… WHY are you back there?" Byakuya cut in. "Oh, when things go bad, I'm gonna go run away screaming." The leader said, yawning. "So… if one of us screws up…" Itachi started. "Itachi, it's not a matter of 'if', it's a matter of 'when'. We're not exactly the luckiest people on earth." The leader explained. "So then… WHY'D you plan all this?" Sasori asked. "Because MY LIFE matters. And… you guys are… expendable." The leader said. "What do you mean!?" Sasori asked angrily. "You guys aren't the only ones with weird-ass powers. Anyways, just do what you do best." The leader said, turning off the walkie-talkie.It turned on again.

"And a little bit of advice." The leader started. "Try to win, defeat the enemy, and do better than how you are currently doing."

"THAT IS THE STUPIDEST PEP TALK I'VE EVER-" The leader turned off the walkie-talkie.

"sigh… he's been hanging around with Vic (from RvB) hasn't he…?" Sasori asked.

"Well, you heard him. Might as well finish this." Kisame said.

Just then, a loud chewing noise was heard behind them. "ZETSU!? You're eating at a time like this, yeah!?" Deidara asked. "Wait… I said 'yeah!! AWESOME, YEAH!!" Deidara cheered. "Not awesome…" Sasori said, rubbing his forehead. "Shut up Zetsu! The Tobi's will hear you, yeah!!" Deidara said. "Oh, you want me to be QUIET huh!? WELL HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS!?" Zetsu said, chewing louder. With that, Deidara punched Zetsu, and started fist-fighting, until Deidara took two handfuls of clay and stuffed it in Zetsu's mouth. "YOU WANNA CHEW STUFF SO BADLY!? EAT THIS, YEAH!!" Deidara yelled.

BOOM

WITH THE LEADER

"What the- what're they doing!?" The leader yelled.

WITH ORG. X-I-I-I-

"FOR THE LAST TIME!! IT'S PRONOUNCED THIRTEEN!!" Axel yelled. "What're you yelling at?" Demyx asked. "I… don't know." Axel said, confused. "Hey, Hey! Guys look! Was that part of the plan?" Xemnas asked. "Well, if it was, the leader was sure-as-hell drunk." Demyx commented, looking at the huge mushroom cloud.

WITH SOUL SOCIETY

" THAT MUST BE A SIGNAL!! ATTACK!!" Byakuya yelled, pointing in a random direction. Without thinking, everyone ran toward that random direction.

WITH THE LEADER

"What are they doing!? They're running away from the castle!" The leader said angrily. "Wait a sec… they're… HEADING STRAIGHT FOR ME!!" The leader yelled, as he was trampled on by soul reapers. Soon, Organization XIII, for no good reason, followed them there too, and the leader was trampled on again by 13 people with huge black boots. "Hmm… there seems to be no castle here…" Byakuya said, looking around. "NO… DUH… IDIOT!!" The leader choked out. "OH MY GOD!! Sorry." Byakuya said, stepping off. "What about you?" The leader asked Xemnas. "Oh I'm not sorry." He said. "Then get OFF." The leader ordered. "Ok." Xemnas stepped off. The leader got up, held a bloody nose, and kicked Xemnas in the crotch. "Now, get over there, kill a few Tobis, Do something useful, and PUNCH REALLY HARD THE DICKHEAD WHO RUINED MY WHOLE PLAN WITH THAT HUGE-ASS EXPLOSION!!" The leader yelled. Everyone just stared. "GOO!!' he leader pointed towards the castle. "Other… way… MORONS!!" The leader yelled again. "Y-yes sir!" They said, running towards the castle. "'das right. I'm the leader…" He murmured before getting a tissue for his nose.

WITH AKATSUKI

By the time everyone got there, Zetsu was a smoldering pile of $# dipped in $# and left to dry… again. Deidara, meanwhile, was pushed into the basement due to all the swarming Tobis. He looked out the window to see that Tobi had made an alliance with the fan girls, and that Byakuya, Itachi, and Renji were getting swarmed by BOTH groups. "That bastard, yeah." Deidara thought bitterly. He made his way towards the Cloning machine, ignoring the totally kick-ass weapons surrounding him. He was about to blow it up, thinking that it was the source to all his problems. I mean ALL his problems. Like the fact his teacher gives him Fs in every class except art, the fact that his old girlfriend left him, The reason he joined Akatsuki in the first place, and had a total RETARD as a partner, everything. But he stopped. I can have some fun with this thing… He thought.

Deidara was having a hard time pushing the cloning machine Up the RIDICULOUSLY LONG trail UPHILL that led to Konoha. "OH GOD THIS IS SO HEAVY, YEAH!!" He yelled. Then he felt something pushing him back. He looked at the machine, and realized that he was going more downhill than uphill. "Oh no… oh GOD no.. NO NO NO NO NO NO… YEAH!" Deidara yelled in denial.

AFTER FIVE HOURS OF RUNNING

Deidara managed to get the machine up the hill, only to have it fall down the other side. "OH COME ON!! YEAH!!" He yelled, chasing after it. At the bottom of the hill, though, the machine abruptly stopped, and started moving UP- yes UP- the hill, chasing DEIDARA. "COME BACK!! COME BAC—OH GOD!! AAAAAAAAGHHHHH!!! IS THIS EVEN HUMANLY POSSIBLE!? YEAH!?" He yelled, running away.

WITH AKATSUKI

"Perfect. We're back where we started. Only THIS time, it's with more people. We're in the dungeon, thanks to SOME people –glares at Zetsu- And now… wait… isn't this the same cell we were in the first time!?" Itachi asked. "Yeah… let me see." Sasori sniffed the sink. "Yup. Same one." Sasori declared. "How can you tell?" Byakuya asked. "Oh, the sink we had smelled like cat pee." Sasori said. "Why would you remember that?" Renji asked. "When you smell cat pee… it never really leaves your mind until… you die." Sasori said. Kenpachi sniffed the sink beside him. "Ours smells like dog shit. Damn." He commented, plugging his nose. "Awwww… gross…" Renji said. "Ha ha you get dog shit… wait… ours smells like cat pee AND dog shit! DAMMIT!!" Xemnas said. "This is all DEIDARA's Fault! If he hadn't abandoned us, we would have won!" Itachi whined.

WITH DEIDARA

"Oh… oh god… I finally outran the machine…" Deidara started. "… BUT NOW I'M RIDING IT LIKE A HORSE!! YEAH!!" Deidara yelled, hanging on for dear life. "AAAAAAGH!!!" Deidara fell over and fell in the cloning chamber. "Uh… hey!! HEY!! SOMEONE LET ME OUT!!" Deidara called. Just then, for some unknown reason, Sasuke was walking by. He heard the calls from Deidara and decided to take a look. Apparently, lucky Deidara was trapped right in front of Sasuke's house. Sasuke dragged the machine inside the house and let Deidara lay in the machine. "Oh thank god… " Deidara said in relief. "Oh don't thank god yet. I'm gonna leave you in here." Sasuke said. "You … don't sound too happy Sasuke. Yeah." Deidara commented on his tone. "I'm not, Deidara. It is Sunday night. OR, Monday morning. I'm supposed to be asleep. There is going to be a test at school in about 5 hours. I need my SLEEP. Now, I want you to SHUT UP, and DEAL WITH THE FACT THAT YOU'RE GOING TO LIVE IN POVERTY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!" Sasuke yelled, locking the door. "… well hot DAMN. Yeah." Deidara said.

WITH AKATSUKI

Itachi flinched. "What?" Kisame asked. "Something great has happened." He replied.

WITH DEIDARA

Deidara stepped out of the machine, and ripped out a piece of his hair. "YE-OW!! THAT F$# HURT!" he yelled. Deidara then, hesitantly, threw the hair in the cloning machine, and said these last few words for that wad of hair. "Godspeed, wad of hair. Godspeed." An Akatsuki flag appeared behind him as he said it. "woah… where'd that come from…yeah…" Deidara then fell asleep.

WITH AKATSUKI

Itachi flinched. "what?" Kisame asked. "Something terrible has happened." He replied.

FIVE HOURS LATER

Sasuke failed the test. "DAMMIT!" He yelled.

Itachi flinched again. "Something wonderful happened. But the terrible thing before is still coming." He announced. "Hey… Do you guys hear something?" Kisame asked, hearing trumpets. "Guys… you know your friend Deidara?" Byakuya asked. "He's here. And… he brought a few friends…" He finished. "Oh god no…" Sasori said.

WITH DEIDARA

"TOBI!!! GET YOUR SORRY-ASS OVER HERE!!!" He yelled. Deidara saw as Tobi, very cool-matrixy like, leapt off of his roof, with all his clones behind him. Deidara, leapt off the bird he was riding on, in the same fashion. "So… it all come down to this…" Tobi said, readying his weapon. Which was a …

"SPATULA!?" The Soul reapers, Akatsuki, and Organization XIII said in unison.

"LASER spatula." Tobi showed them.

"TWO can play at that game…yeah." Deidara said, pulling out his own spatula.

Sasori slapped his forehead.

"Now, Deidara-senpai. WE FIGHT!!" Tobi announced, pointing towards the opponent. Deidara did the same. All the clones ran towards eachother, Deidara winning the 'looking the coolest' battle, while the Tobis won the 'looking the most stupid' battle, as recorded by Kisame. "Ok, Deidara's cool points shot up about 20… while Tobi's stupid points sum up to… 50." Kisame said.

Meanwhile, Tobi jumped and brought down his sword-spatula- trying to hit Deidara, who blocked it and pushed him away. "Face it Tobi! You're never going to win! Yeah!" Deidara called. "Deidara-senpai, I've forgotten why I call you 'senpai' in the first place. I want you to remind me." Tobi said, pointing his spatula, being all dramatic. "What?" Deidara asked. "U-uh… THE PONYTAIL MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A GIRL!!" Tobi shouted, running towards him again. "OH I'S ON NOW!!" Deidara yelled, also running. All of a sudden, right when they were about to clash, Tobi moved towards the left and cut off Deidara's arm. "AAAAAAAAAAGH- wait…" Deidara pulled up his sleeve to make sure it was really gone. "ok, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" He yelled. "Oops.. I mean… JOIN ME DEIDARA-SENPAI! AND TOGETHER, WE WILL RULE KONOHA!!' Tobi Offered. "YOU MAKE THAT OFFER NOW!?" Deidara asked. "I always wondered why Darth Vader did that AFTER he cut off his son's arm…" Tobi said, casually. "Which gets me to thinking… you're not my father, are you?" Deidara asked. "I'm your uncle- AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Tobi's arm went flying as Deidara sliced it off. "MY UNCLE ISN'T THAT RETARDED! 'CUZ HE'S DEAD! YEAH!" Deidara said, standing up. "I WAS JOKING!!" Tobi yelled. Then Tobi cut off Deidara's legs. "HEY!" Deidara cut off Tobi's legs. Now they cut off each other's arms at the same time, then started head-butting each other, looking COMPLETELY retarded.

"Ok, now Deidara's coolness points dropped to 0, and Tobi's stupid points shot up to 100…" Kisame said, writing it down. "WHY are you doing this?" Itachi asked. "'cus I'm PAID to do it." Kisame said. "No you're not." Itachi stated. "Screw this then!" Kisame ripped the board in half.

Eventually, Deidara and Tobi's clones died out, and the real ones were left limbless, and completely retarded-looking. "D-did I win…?" Deidara asked. "Well… technically, it's a draw. But hell, you sure beat him bad." Kisame said. "Look, you cut open his mask." Kisame pointed to Tobi. "OMG!! IT'S OBITO UCHIHA!!" Deidara yelled. Suddenly, Itachi ran over and started punching him. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?" The leader asked, walking up to Tobi and Itachi. "Oh, well look who decided to come out of the bushes from 60 MILES AWAY!!" Sasori said. "Do you WANT to get fired?" The leader asked. "No sir…" Sasori murmured. "You did good Deidara, Kakuzu, reattach his arms and legs. And make sure they're on RIGHT this time!" The leader said, walking towards Tobi.

"Obito… Uchiha. Not surprised why you're beating the shit out of him Itachi. Carry on." The leader walked up to Soul Society. I guess this is it. Here's a cupon for a dozen boxes at crispy cream." The leader handed all the participants of this f$# up story a coupon for crispy cream. "I got swarmed by fangirls and clones only to get a Coupon!?" Byakuya asked. "Yup! You may leave now." The leader said cheerily.

"Oh, Deidara. Zetsu's Dead." The leader said, turning back. "WHAT!? WHEN!?" Deidara asked. "When… you blew him UP." The leader responded. "Wait! No he's not! There he is now!" Kisame pointed at the crawling piece of shi- I mean Zetsu on the ground. "Do we have to plant him again?" Itachi asked. Zetsu rapidly shook his head no. Then suddenly a boulder fell down on him. "OMG!! THEY KILLED ZETSU!! YOU BASTARDS!!" Itachi said, all South-Park Style. Apparently a few Tobi clones managed to survive… until Kenpachi cut the down to size.

So… what do we do with the Tobis in OUR world?" Byakuya asked. "Oh… I don't know… uh… just… do what you do best… I guess. The important thing is that the Tobis are out of OUR hair. We don't give a SHIT about you guys, so… bye." The leader said. "Argh… well, we got the doughnuts… I guess we might be able to last for about… 2 HOURS WITH THE TOBI CLONES." Byakuya said, glaring at the leader, who just smiled and waved. "Well, bye…" All the Soul reapers left. "BYEEE!!! HOPE WE NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN!!" they said. Everyone else decided to leave because they just wasted 3 months of their lives.

A YEAR LATER

The Yamanaka Flower shop had just received a new pack of seeds. One of them looked a lot like our very DEAD buddy Zetsu when it grew up. "Aw man.. I'm sure glad that I saved part of my soul and put it in a seed. This trick never fails." Zetsu said to himself. Just then, Deidara and Sasori walked in. "You know, the leader said that we had to get flowers for Zetsu's grave… because it was the only excuse to get us out of the house. Yeah." Deidara said, walking in. "Oi! Ino we need flowers!" Deidara called through the door. "YEAH! Whatever just get something and pay for it." Ino called back. "Bitch…" Sasori muttered. "WHAT WAS THAT!?" Ino yelled. "N-nothing…! (Deidara, you're younger sister is SCARY.)" Sasori said.

Deidara noticed a green flower in the corner. "Hey…" Deidara started. SHIT. I DON'T WANNA GO BACK!! I LOVE MY LIFE AS A FLOWER!! ACT. NATURAL. "MOO." Zetsu said. Deidara and Sasori's eyes widened. "What?" Deidara asked. Shit. How do I act natural as a flower!? ………….. aha!! Zetsu threw his flower pot at Deidara and ran out the door. "AAAAAGGHH!!" Deidara screamed. "HEY!! CATCH THAT FLOWER!!!" Sasori yelled, paying no mind to the bleeding Deidara on the floor.

TO BE CONTINUED IN THE EPILOGUE

KISAME'S CORNER

Kisame: hey!! WELCOME TO THE LAST KISAME'S CORNER IN THE FANFICTION!! Today's Guest is… Flower…chan… where is she?

FLOWER-CHAN: You're SITTING on me.

KISAME: OH MY GOD!! Sorry…! Oh god… you're more in the background than Zetsu… and that's his JOB.

ZETSU: HEY!!

FLOWER-CHAN: Ugh… whatever. Just get on with it… so I can get on with my life….

KISAME: (did I offend her or something!?) Uh… o-ok. First question…

Are, Leader-san. If you know your own identity well enough, explain to us why the heck (pardon for the rudeness) everyone thinks you are the fourth and if I remember well enough, he technically died in the prologue of the first chapter in Naruto manga...? And besides, you have orange hair and emo piercing on both sides of your nose. Do you fashion Sasuke's emoness?

LEADER: I don't FASHION Sasuke's emoness, I COPYRIGHTED it. So, legally, he should be paying me. In my logic, that is.

Another question/s to Deidara (apparently he is getting the most fan-questions): If you were trapped in an island, with TOBI, and had no escape, no water, nothing at all. What would you do? (I was just curious. No hard feelings, hope
Didn't it pass almost 1 year since Tobi first said 'happy birthday' to you? Happy birthday!... No party? .

DEIDARA: Thanks…yeah! MAN IT FEELS GOOD TO BE SAYING YEAH AGAIN YEAH!! Anyway, If I were stuck on an island with Tobi with nothing BUT Tobi… hmmm… a NORMAL reaction would be to kill myself. But then I'd just be giving Tobi the chance of using me as food, making him live longer, yeah. BUT. I plan- I mean- would kill him, use him for food, and use his remains (ie. Bones) to scare off predators, yeah.

Last question. (I'm killing you with questions, sorry) Tobi, are you going to let those heartless guys do those heartless things to you all over again? Why don't you just kill them already, or do you pity them?

From: Angel2Demon

TOBI: I don't pity them, nor do I think they're heartless. To tell the truth, the whole thing happened because I was bored.

LEADER: WHAT!?

TOBI: IT'S TRUE!!

DEIDARA: YOU BASTARD, YEAH!!

TOBI: Hey, Hey. You're shouting. Don't shout.

DEIDARA: YOU CUT OFF MY FREAKIN' ARM!!!

KISAME: n-next!

Why do you have a shortage of women members i mean I know theres flower-chan, but is the leader sexist or just plain GAY!

From: PhoenixCharmer116

FLOWER-CHAN: FINALLY!!

KISAME: -gasp- SHE SPOKE!!

FLOWER-CHAN: Of course, you idiot! Anyway, FINALLY!! SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS!! I mean, like, I REALLY think that the leader is sexist or something because, like, he, like doesn't accept girl members, I mean, GOSH.

KISAME: She's everything I thought a girl would be like…

ITACHI: You mean saying 'like' a lot?

KISAME: EEEVIL!!!

FLOWER-CHAN: HEY!! JUST BECAUSE I'M A MASS-MURDERERDOESN'T MEAN I HAVE A GIRLY-SIDE!!

KISAME: Ok, ok… whatever.

FLOWER-CHAN: I mean, what am I? A Boy!? He let ME into Akatsuki, why shouldn't any OTHER girl be in Akatsuki?I'M FREAKIN' DYING OVER HERE!! (mentally)

KISAME: can you PLEASE move on?

FLOWER-CHAN: Ah…! O-of course. (blushes in embarrassment)

KISAME: Thank you! Next!

NIce chap I have a question for leader

What would u say if I could get u back together with Itachi's mom?

From: Theteacher

LEADER: WHY MUST YOU REMIND ME OF MY PAST!? –starts crying-

ITACHI: So you enjoyed having my mom as a girlfriend!?

LEADER: I JUST BROKE UP WITH HER BECAUSE YOU GUYS WERE STALKING US ON OUT DATES!!

ITACHI: REALLY!?

LEADER: YEEEEEEESSSSS!!! –sob-

ITACHI: OH I'S ON NOW-

KISAME: SHUT UP!! BOTH OF YOU!! Well, Theteacher, I hope you're happy! You made our leader cry!!

SASORI: (actually, you should be proud, NO ONE makes the leader cry, congrats) –claps hands softly for Theteacher-

KISAME: NEXT!

i have a qusetion for kisame, can u breathe underwater?tell the truth kisame if ur lying i'll make u wtch braney or/and telebubies with SASUNARU picture slide shows!! MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA i'm so evil when it comes to torture ppl

From: I'm SuGaR HiGh QuEeN

KISAME: -shudders- oh god… uhm… uhh…

ITACHI: TELL THE TRUTH DAMMIT!! YOU HEARD HER!! SASUNARU!! THAT MEANS SASUKE AND NARU-NARU-

SASORI: Naruto?

ITACHI: YES!! HURRY UP!!

KISAME: Uh… y-y-y-e- BUT I'VE NEVER TOLD ANYONE BEFORE!!!

ITACHI: SHE'S YOUR FIRST NOW ANSWER GODDAMMIT!!

KISAME: YEEEES!!! NEXT QUESTION FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!

Kisame- Are you glad that things are back on track on killing tobi?
Q2- Do you think that this whole plan will crumble? cuz evil guyz usually dont get along... for some evil reson.
Q3- Who is a better person? Temari or Ino-pig... i really hate ino, i just want ur opinion.

From: FearTheFan

KISAME: -still shaking from last question- U-uh…y-yes… yes I am…

2: Well… at forst I did, because, I mean, we're not exactly the luckiest OR organized people.

3: TEMARI. INO'S A BITCH. I MEAN SRSLY, I HATE SAKURA, BUT MAKING FUN OF HER FOREHEAD, WHEN SHE HAS A PRETTY BIG ONE HERSELF, THAT'S MAJOR BULLSHIT RIGHT THERE!!

Thank you for reading both Kisame's Corner and Akatsuki: Attack of the Tobi. Look forward to the epilogue, and bloopers. Kisame's Corner will open when both chapters are over. All further Questions in Kisame's Corner will be answered in Kisame's Corner: The full fanfiction. Thank you.

Oh yeah, warning: random shit smothered into every word, letter, punctuation mark, and space in this fanfiction. Headaches, confusion may insue. ………………………

I should've warned you in the very beginning…

-TheWindAlchemist