So as you may have noticed. This is not going in any sort of order. Well, they are in order, just not chronological order. So sometimes the events take place in their future, sometimes the past... blah blah blah. It's like A Christmas Carol... but different... and without the ghosts. Although, I suppose we could have ghosts. Now that Denny has helped Meredith get over her suicidal ways maybe he can help Derek and Addison... UGH. That was a special episode... and by special I mean ridiculous.
Read.
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TUESDAY
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ADDISON
For once, it wasn't raining in Seattle.
And for once she wished it would. If it was raining everyone would go away and leave her alone. And she wanted to be alone. She said she wanted it to be private.
But people came. People that she didn't know. People that didn't care that right now she just wanted to be alone. Logically she knew that people wouldn't listen to her. She knew that there were people that would ignore her requests for solitude.
She hated those people.
But she was glad that Derek had come. He was the only person in Seattle other then Richard that she had known more then 6 years, and he was the only person that she thought might understand.
So she didn't mind that he was silently walking up behind her. She didn't know if he had been there the entire time, or if he had just gotten there. But she didn't mind that he was there because she knew that he wouldn't try to talk to her, and he wouldn't try to make her leave.
"It's easier this way," she mused stoically, "Death, I think, is easier then divorce."
Derek stood silently at her side.
She turned and studied his profile for half a second, just long enough to prove to herself that he hadn't changed that much. They hadn't spoken to each other face-to-face in almost 4 years, since shortly after she announced that she was marrying her second husband. They sent memo's back and forth, and talked on the phone about cases, and traded staff back and forth like they were collectors cards. But they didn't talk face-to-face
Addison tightened her arms around herself, continuing to stare at the new grave. She wasn't crying, but anyone could see she was in pain. Shocked.
"I was there," she said finally, "When he died."
Derek glanced over at her in surprise. From what he had been told, mostly by Richard, she had barely spoken since it happened. Agreeing with whatever people said to her, but not talking about what was going on.
"We were eating dinner," she continued, "Just spaghetti because we were both so late getting home, and I was so tired I just wanted to go to bed," She paused, slowly remembering, "And he was telling me about this trip he wanted to take to celebrate our first anniversary. I don't even know where he wanted to go because I wasn't really," her voice cracked and she swallowed hard, "listening. I was planning out all the things that I had to do the next day. And then he just stopped. I looked up and he was slouched over and there was sauce on his shirt and..."
Derek watched as she pressed her hands to her face. He could see her body trembling and he could hear her inhaling sharply against her hands.
"We were only married for 8 month," she slowly brought her hands away from her face. Other then a few tears gathering in the corners of her eyes, she had on the same brave face, "He wasn't suppose to leave me yet."
X
"You need to eat something."
"I'm not hungry."
"Add," he sighed, "This is not the time to be stubborn."
Addison excepted the sandwich that he held out to her, but she didn't eat it. She continued to stare out at the rain, because as soon as she stepped away from the grave it had started to rain. From time to time she would flex her wrist, stretching her hand out from underneath the protection of the deck's canopy, catching a few raindrops on her fingertips, "I don't know a single person here," she sighed, "Except you and Richard."
"Richard had to leave," Derek said quietly, "We couldn't find you."
Addison nodded.
They sat in silence.
She jumped when Derek cleared his throat, "I noticed that Harry isn't here."
"I haven't talked to Harrison Samuels since we signed the divorce papers," she gave him a small smile, "Besides, I think you fulfill my ex-husband quota for this funeral."
Husband. She felt like all the air had been sucked from her lungs. She tried to stop it, but against her will her face crumpled up and she started to cry, really cry, for the first time since her husband, Walter, died.
"Addison..." she heard him say.
Desperately she groped for her purse, searching for something to blot away the tears.
It fell from her grasp, the contents spilling across the deck.
She fell to her knees, ignoring the dampness of the wood and fanatically started grabbing at things as they rolled out of her reach.
"Addison..." she heard him say again.
She shook her head, pushing his hands away as he tried to help her, tears still spilling across her cheeks.
"Addison, come on..."
"No!" She sobbed, jerking away as she felt his arms trying to lift her off the ground.
"Come on," he repeated gently
"Leave me alone," Her words broken and elongated, "Please."
"You know I won't do that," he said quietly, settling on the damp ground beside her.
"Just go away," she pleaded. She was aware that he wasn't going anywhere, but she needed to keep talking or she was going to apart, "It's not fair. It's not fair!"
She felt like her body was collapsing into herself. She crumpled. Her chest constricted. Her fists dug painfully against her abdomen and she rocked slowly back and forth.
X
She didn't care.
She didn't care that if someone came out of her house and onto her deck that they would see her huddled on the wet wood talking to her 1st husband, She didn't care that they would probably get the wrong idea.
This was her home. The one that she had shared with Walter, and she hadn't invited any of them into it. And now they had driven her out.
Addison inhaled shakily.
Again she was grateful for Derek's silence.
"I'm so... mad at him," she confessed, "He just... died. No warning. He just left me, all alone. And he promised that he wouldn't. Which..." she ran her hand over her upper lip, her nose tended to run if she had been crying, "... I believed." She smiled, "The day we met he asked me out to dinner, and the first thing I asked was if his office had interns. He said 'no' and I thought it was a sign. And I know it's silly, but when your first marriage falls apart due in-part to a twenty-something bright-eyed intern and your second marriage comes to a grinding halt because it seems your husband has a certain affection for attractive paralegals named Kevin or Kyle..." she laughed bitterly, "Even I can't compete with Kevin's and Kyle's."
He glanced at her sympathetically, but she ignored it. She didn't want sympathy. She wanted someone to listen and not talk or tell her she shouldn't feel betrayed or whatever emotion she decided that she felt.
She sighed, "I thought that things were coming together. I have had 3 husbands in 5 years," she joked, "and I thought I had figured out how this was suppose to work. Walter is...was...Walter was," she paused, "We were close. We talked all the time. All day. Whenever we had a spare moment, we would call the other, just to see what was going on. We made time for each other. He would show up at the hospital at lunch and bring me take-out from some restaurant I loved or wanted to try. And I started scheduling my day so I would have free time if he stopped by." she smiled, "He would get up at 5 am every morning just so we could have breakfast together even though he didn't have to be at the office until 9."
"You were happy."
She nodded, "So happy," She unclenched her fist, revealing for the first time what she had been holding since her purse had spilt, "Guess I won't be needing these." She sighed. It was overwhelming, "Fertility pills," she explained, "I was suppose to start them Sunday. But then..."
"You where trying to have a baby?"
Addison smiled at the surprise in his voice, "Well I'm forty..." she paused, "or forty-one. I was on my third husband. And we were happy. We both wanted it and were ready for it," she shrugged, her eyes filling with tears again, "Maybe I'll get a cat instead."
"Add..." he said sadly. He reached over and wrapped his hand gently around her fingers.
She gripped his hand tightly, "I wanted a baby."
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DEREK
"Where are your sisters?"
Derek shrugged and continued to kick the leg of his chair and stare at the floor.
"Derek!" his aunt warned.
A 12 year old Derek continued to kick the chair.
"Derek!" his aunt warned again.
Derek ignored her.
His aunt Eileen sighed, "I'm taking this coffee and sandwich up to your mother. When I come back down I want you kids ready to sit down to lunch, all washed up. Your mom and I have to go back to the funereal home, so Uncle Ben is going to watch you."
She waited for some sort of sign that she had been heard.
"Please cooperate Derek," She said sternly, she was a teacher, and strict one, "This is hard enough on your mother without your surliness. You and Dianne need to help your mom with the little ones."
She didn't get response.
"Please find your sisters and tell them to wash up."
Derek looked up at his aunt as she left the room. He didn't like that she was here. They didn't need her.
Standing he took the plate of sandwiches from the counter and marched to the refrigerator. He balanced the plate on a bottle of apple juice and reached for another of milk. Thinking again he walked back to the other side of the kitchen and stole 2 bags of cookies that some neighbors had brought by and held them between his teeth.
The first door on the left at the top of the stairs used to be his room. Now it was Jenny's nursery and he had a smaller room at the end of hall beside the room that Dianne shared with Nancy and Kathleen.
But his old room had something special.
In the closet there was a small door that led into a crawl space in the attic. When he and Dianne were 3 and their mom was just about to have Nancy, his father had turned part of the crawl space into a fort just for them. Of course as they grew up they let their younger sisters play in it, but it was understood that Dad had built it for Derek and Dianne.
He carefully closed and locked the door to the nursery, then pushed aside the long winter coats that were being stored in the closet. He knelt on the floor and carefully pulled the tiny door open.
All four girls looked up at him with watery eyes.
Dianne immediately started to sob, burying her face against 3 year old Jenny who she was holding in her lap. Jenny squirmed to get away, reaching for her older brother. Derek handed sandwiches to Nancy and Kathleen and rescued Jenny from Dianne.
He carried Jenny over to the change table and methodically started changing her diaper. He had never done this before, but he had seen his mother do it a million times. It looked easier when she did it.
He held his littlest sister a long time before putting her in her crib. Then he gave her a bottle with some apple juice like he had seen his mother do. Even she seemed sad, and didn't fight being put down for a nap.
It slowly occurred to him that in a few years Jenny probably wouldn't even remember their father.
X
Late that afternoon, while Uncle Ben slept in front of a sports game, Derek pulled the mattress of his bed and down the hall and set it up in Jenny's room.
"Derek? What are you doing?"
Derek looked up to see Nancy crawling out of the closet.
Derek shrugged, "I'm going to sleep in Jenny's room tonight. Dad would always get up with her if she started crying in the night."
Nancy contemplated this, her 8 year old frame shifting from side to side, foot to foot.
Derek turned back to his bed, attempting to straighten the covers how his mom liked them.
He didn't notice that Nancy left, but a few moments later she returned with her pillow and her Teddy Bear, Oliver, that their dad got for her at the hospital when she was born, "Can I stay with you too?"
Derek nodded, sitting on the edge of the bed.
Nancy sat down cross-legged on the bed beside him, her socks didn't match and her dress was missing a button. She must have dressed herself that day and didn't have anyone to help her, "Do you know 'Puff the Magic Dragon'?" she asked.
Derek nodded.
She glanced at the closest, making sure her sisters weren't listening, "I don't like the dark," she confessed, "Daddy sings me 'Puff the Magic Dragon' when I get scared."
Derek swallowed the lump in his throat. He refused to cry, "I'll sing it to you," he offered.
Nancy smiled at him.
Derek picked up the pillow that she had dropped on the floor and set it on the bed next to his, "Dad used to sing it to me too."
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Apparently I don't write happy things anymore.
I wonder how many other people I can kill. I have... 4 chapters left.
The VooDoo dolls got quite the work out on the last chapter. About half as many reviews as the first chapter. So if any of you like had a cold, or stubbed your toe or broke a nail... that was me. I wasn't that mean this time cause I only had so many needles. But I bought more.
In bulk.
Review SVP.