Scott just shrugged loosely and sat down next to Ororo.
"I spent a lot of time in the hospital, recovering from the damage that the Phoenix inflicted, and then I just sort of drifted for a while, until I started having headaches again, the same headaches I used to have when my mutation first manifested and I knew I would need a pair of my shades. I knew the Professor kept a set of shades and a spare visor here for me just in case, so this is where I headed. When I got here and realized that no one else had yet to discover this place, I stayed. Then I heard that the Professor was back and I contacted him and told him where I was and asked him not to tell anyone else." Storm shot a look of hurt surprise at Scott.
"I know. I'm sorry Ro. I just needed sometime to myself."
"But what happened? Jean thought she killed you…we all thought that you were dead! I don't understand how you could allow us to grieve for you for so long!"
"I know and I am so sorry for putting you through that. It was just so hard Ro…after everything that happened, I just couldn't come back. I needed some time to be by myself."
"But..."
"I know it was completely selfish of me…but it was something I needed and I'm glad I did it."
"I…I don't know how to respond to that. Where…where is the Professor?
"He's resting in his room; he wanted us to talk alone."
"Talk..."
"Well, more like he wanted to give me a chance to talk to you. To explain why I did what I did." Scott paused and looked into Ororo's eyes. "I'll talk as long as you're willing to listen." Ororo just looked at Scott for a few moments and then she reached out and laid her hand over Scott's.
"I'll listen." Scott smiled and turned his hand until he was clasping Ororo's.
"Okay, I guess it's best to start with what happened when I went to the lake. I went because I kept hearing Jean's voice in my head calling me, asking me to come to her. When I got there the voice just got louder and more insistent, until finally in a rage I snatched off my glasses and allowed my blasts free on the water." Scott frowned his hand tightening on Ororo's. "Suddenly there was this…this…hell I don't know what it was but it threw me on my ass. When I scrambled back to my feet and looked at the lake this whirlpool appeared and suddenly she was there in front of me. She just arose from the middle of the whirlpool. God, Ro, I was so happy to see her, to have her back. She asked to see my eyes, told me to trust her, that she could control it, so I let her remove my glasses and she did it, she controlled it and I finally saw her without that haze of red, she was beautiful."
Scott looked at Ororo and smiled.
"Then she kissed me and I was in heaven, I had the woman I loved back in my arms and it was the best feeling in the world. But then I felt it. This feeling of being torn apart, I didn't know what was happening at first and then I realized that she was doing it, she was tearing me apart - she was killing me. I finally really looked at her, her face, her eyes, and that's when it hit home; that this wasn't Jean, not the Jean that I knew and loved. I didn't know what to do, I just yelled her name over and over and then all of a sudden I felt this flash of pain in my head and then I was flying, flying through the air and into the trees. I don't remember much after that, I don't know how long I was out or how far I was thrown; but I did know that I was no where near the lake any longer. When I awoke, I was alone, disoriented, and in a hell of a lot of pain. I was scared to open my eyes. I didn't know what would happen. Had Jean or whoever that was completely stopped my blast? Was it just temporary and when I opened my eyes would I destroy the world around me? I wasn't sure what to do. But then I realized that I had no choice it was either open my eyes or die, so I opened my eyes and there were no blasts." Scotts grip on Ororo's hand tightened again as he paused and allowed her to absorb his words.
"I wandered for days trying to get out of that damned forest. I finally passed out from the pain and I'm not sure how much time had passed because when I came to again I was in a hospital and people were talking about this battle that had taken place in California at Alcatraz, about the deaths of all those people - human and mutants alike. Scott shook his head sadly at the thought of so much wasted life.
"Then I heard about the deaths of Charles Xavier and Scott Summers by the hands of the Phoenix also know as Jean Grey and the death of Jean at the hand of Wolverine.
"God Storm all of this could have been avoided." Storm blinked in surprise at this statement.
"What…how?"
"I was so busy wallowing in my grief and self-pity that I never realized that I wasn't just hallucinating. That it actually was Jean's voice I was hearing in my head. I should have told the Professor and allowed him to help me – instead I locked my self in my room allowed her to get into my head." Scott snorted in disgust. "I allowed Jean's death to break me and in turn that allowed the Phoenix to manipulate me into releasing her. When she arose from the water I should have known it wasn't Jean not the Jean that I knew, because the voice in my head, the voice that kept calling me was different, it was Jean's voice but the tone – the tone was different. If I had been stronger, if I hadn't been so wrapped up in my own self pity, none of this would have happened. I should have spoken with the Professor about what was happening with me. I should have never gone to the lake that day. But because I was so blinded by my love of Jean, I allowed hell loose on earth."
"Scott, you can't blame yourself for any of the things that happened. What Jean did…"
"Oh, I don't. What Jean did…what she allowed the Phoenix to do…that is strictly on her and it's something she has to live with not me. The only thing I blame myself for is that I allowed myself to be manipulated into freeing the Phoenix from her watery tomb. I blame myself for allowing myself to become so wrapped up in Jean that I didn't leave anything for myself, so that when she died, who I was and the world I lived in ceased to exist. I was a fucking fool."