(A.N- I would just like to take this oppotunity to thank merdottie and Schmo and Sushi for their helpful reveiws I did on the earlier version of this story ( Which I had to delete and re-write for obvious reasons. Thanks!)
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or original plot-line of Narnia.
Scene 4. Outside the train platform.
"When exactly are we going?" asked Susan when the third day of waiting had passed. (It seemed as though the studio's budget couldn't afford a pony and trap for them)
"Look there's a car!" yelled Peter suddenly causing Edmund to jump several feet into the road in surprise.
Unfortunately, he didn't manage to back out in time, causing him to hit the windscreen with a smack, his face pressed against the class in a deranged, if not comical fashion.
"What the heck?" cried the driver leaping out, "Oh for gods sake, looks like I'll have to drive you there myself." And so he did so. Very randomly.
WARNING!
Don't try this at home kids! Getting into a stranger's car is not a good idea, especially if you are acting as it would mean a lot of very tedious searching for the directors if you were abducted suddenly.
Finally the car pulled up at the house or rather, it crashed in to the front door.
Mrs Mcready gave them a few warm words of welcome; "Hello kiddies, welcome to playhouse. Here are the rules: No Running, you will trip and you will die, No shouting, if you yell to loudly the house will fall down and you will die, No eating sweets or your teeth will fall out and you will die. No disturbing the professor- you will definitely die and 4th rule-: no dying. NOW GO PLAY HIDE AND SEEK IN THE DAMN HOUSE!!!"
A stunned silence greeted her words, broken by Edmund's " Umm...why?"
"COS IT'S IN THE SCRIPT!!!!!" she yelled pleasantly.
"Meh, can't argue with that." Peter admitted.
Susan climbs into a wooden box, but decides it's not that good a hiding place.
"HELP I'M STUCK!!!" she cried desperately, but no one heard her, or maybe they did but nobody likes her so no one bothered.
Edmund climbed up the stairs, tripped over a potted plant, banged into a wall, bounced off it, and crashed into a suit of armour.
Right then, Peter suddenly decided to leave this cruel world and jump out of the window. He did so. Luckily, it was only a ground floor window.
Unfortunately, there was a rose bush outside the window, which may have been the reason for his tortured screaming.
Lucy sees the, ummm…weird furniture thingy
"You know, it's strange, but I suddenly have a mad urge to crawl in and explore this weird furniture thingy." said Lucy very suddenly and obscurely.
"Lucy has lots of mad urges." said the narrator. "Why do you think I'm a disembodied voice? Anyway, Lucy opens the door, and crawls in she sees three things, the dark furs and a pair of lederhosen(??) of a furniture thingy, a snowy landscape, and Adolf Hitler who is- WAIT A MINUTE! A snowy landscape in a wardrobe?"
"Erm, could you shut up for a moment, there's no narrator here" snapped Lucy.
"Oh yeah?" sneered the narrator.
"Yeah!" she replied, pointing her mangled teddy bear at the camera.
The Narrator gulped "And from that moment on, the narrator never spoke another word…."
Lucy checked her teddy bear is loaded, by shooting at the wall, (there was a yell from Adolf Hitler at this point) and takes her first step into that snowy wood…
She walks around and right into the random lamppost
"OWW!" cried Lucy, "Why you son of a-"(shoots at lamppost)
But she was not alone, something stirred, and she heard it, then suddenly there was a girlish high pitched-
"AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!"
Lucy turned around in time to see a strange figure, with fluffy goat legs. A curly pink haired man with devil horns. He had a beard and his name was Melvin. (Though nobody knows this, his first name is never mentioned, he's probably ashamed of it and I can't say I blame him) but anyway…
"Where you hiding from me??" asked Lucy
"Well yeah", muttered the weirdo. "You murdered that poor teddy!" he clapped hands to his face and uttered another high pitched scream.
"Whatever." said Lucy. "What's your name?"
"Mr Tumnus, or Mr T for short." replied the weirdo giggling nervously. "Are you human?"
"Yes," the human replied. "I'm Lucy and by the way, I have a gun."
"How'd you get into Narnia?" asked Mr T curiously
"What in the hell's Narnia?"
"It's the name of the thing we're filming you glockenspiel!"
"Oh yeah..."
"Do you wanna come round mine for a girlie night?" asked Mr T eagerly. "I have Mean Girls on DVD!!"
"Erm, I've always been told not to go off with strange men in the woods..."pointed out Lucy.
"I'm a faun, not a man, and it's a Snowy wood!!"
"Meh, ok," she took his hand and walked off arm-in-arm with him, and they both skipped off merrily and gaily into the woods.
Scene fades out
Scene 5
Mr T's house. It is full of pink ornaments and fluffy cushions. Lucy picks up a portrait.
Lucy: Is this your father?
Mr T: No it's my mother.
Lucy: Oh. She's kinda hairy
"I was being sarcastic you javelin!" snapped the sarcastic faun. "Now sit down and I'll play some music. Do you know the YCMA tune?"
"Nope"
"How bout It's Raining men?"
"Nope"
"Oh for Gods sake!" He knocked her out with a frilly baseball bat.
From far away, there is a "MOOOOOOO!!!!" I mean, "GRRRRRAAAAAAAA!!!!!"
Lucy awoke, and saw herself sitting in an armchair, with Mr T. doing goodness knows WHAT with her handkerchief, but she decided that now would be the perfect time to get out of here and find Hitler.
"Meh, this place is boring," she whispered. "I wanna go back home…"
"No you can't!" cried Mr T.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm kidnapping you and bring you to the White witch duh!"
"What!" she cried , "You're kidnapping me! You said you were my friend!"
"I lied."
This was enough for Lucy, who shot out of her chair and fired her teddy bear; Mr T clutched his hair in terror.
"TAKE ME HOME NOW!!!!"
"Ok." he whimpered piteously.
So, Mr T waddled through the woods, yelling things like-:
"WE MUST BE VERY QUIET!!! IF THE WHITE WITCH KNOWS YOU'RE HERE, SHE WILL KILL YOU!! Quick the trees!!!"
"Eh??"
"I don't know, it just sounds cool to say "the trees!!"
They arrived at the lamppost.
"Lucy," he murmured," I'm so sorry, can you ever forgive me?"
"Nope." she replied.
"Well that's good enough for me! Bye!" He said hurriedly
"Can I have my hanky back?"
"Why yes of course," Mr T smirked "and not a hope in hell!"
Lucy brandished some nutcrackers. The camera turned away and a cracking sound echoed across the wood, followed by a bloodcurdling screech of "OOOOOWWWW!!!!!!" that could have been heard all the way from Cauldron Pool to the Eastern edge of the world.
Lucy ran away manically laughing, but she didn't look where she was going and tripped over a root and falls out of the wardrobe…
"Its alright I'm back!" she cried.
Susan, Peter and Edmund both watched her stumble out.
"Oh dear, she's inherited your "trying on ladies clothes" problem peter…." sighed Susan watching Lucy untangle herself from a pair of lederhosen.
"What "trying on ladies clothes" problem Peter?" asked Edmund suddenly all interested.
"Erm," said Peter suddenly looking mysteriously uncomfortable, "Nothing…."
"Umm…no," said Lucy, "Anyway, Adolf Hitler is in a wardrobe!"
"Really?" cried the two boys and Susan in unison
"Yeah, in a wood! Come and check it out!"
Everyone rushes in to see, but they open wardrobe…
"Lucy the only wood here is the back of the wardrobe. Heheheh, geddit? Wood, wardrobe…" laughed Susan.
Silence...tumbleweed blew across the floor.
"Now Susan," whispered Edmund in a stage whisper, as if he was dealing with a mentally ill person, "This is why you don't say the funny bits…"
"But he was just in there!" cried Lucy miserably.
"I believe you!" yelled Edmund.
"No you don't!"
"Sure I do! Didn't I tell you about when they found Saddam Hussein down a hole?"
"Er! Sudan Hussein WAS down a hole!" Susan pointed out.
"Shut up Ed!" said Peter suddenly angry because of his failed suicide attempt. "You just have to make everything worse don't you! You're-"he paused for a dramatic effect, the camera zoomed to his eyes, "-a Liar!"
Edmund gasped in horror. "Well you're...you're" he struggled trying to think of a word that could match his feelings of hurt and pain, before finally yelling-(long pause) "…You're you!"
Edmund ran away in tears from the room…Crashed into the wall, and continued running.
(A.N. Well I hope you liked it! Stay tuned for more!)