Disclaimer: I do not own Narnia
Lucy is in bed, wondering if it had all been a dream, so she decides to try again, she gets out her slippers (hard black-studded boots), and walks towards the wardrobe room
Meanwhile, Edmund comes out of the bathroom and sees Lucy walking toward the room with the weird furniture thingy inside
Lucy opened the door...
"WHAT? NO Adolf Hitler?" she cried in disappointment, "Damn, there's just that magically exciting land inside, Ah well, I'm bored, might as well." She walked in.
Back to Edmund, who is trying to creep along the corridor, muttering "Must try not to wake up the house…" after which he immediately stepped forwards and slipped on a banana peel into a fake lighting system.
He recovered from this, and tiptoed into the room……
"Lucy where are yoooooOOOOOUUUUAAAAHH??!!" he screamed as the wardrobe collapsed on him.
After that embarrassing incident, he tried again: "Lucy, hope you're not afraid of the dark!" He closed the door. "Damn! I forgot that it was me who was … eeep, I'm scared now…"
He blundered around, until he saw a mysterious cold blue light, he reached towards it-
-And found himself in Narnia
Suddenly, a revving sound echoed across the forest, and into view comes a woman wearing a plastic tiara, driving a tractor!!!
Suddenly, out of the tractor, leapt a small Burberry-clad figure. It landed on top of Edmund holding a pen knife to his throat.
"OH MY GOD YOU F(censored)ING MINGER!" yelled the chav, "HOW DARE YOU LIKE, NOT GIVE RESPECT TO HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN OF LIKE NARNIA!!!"
"What?" gasped Edmund, "I didn't know!"
"OH YEAH RIGHT LIKE!" the chav replied digging the penknife into Edmund's throat, "YOU'RE GOIN' DOWN BOY…"
"Wait!" a new voice cut through the air. The knife was loosened, relieved Edmund sat up and looked, it was the woman with the plastic tiara, a playboy wand in one hand,
"What is your name, Son of Adam?"
"Son of Adam?" garbled Edmund confusedly, "I must be Adam Junior then! But I like Edmund," he gave a sickly at her, "but you can call me Eddy." He giggled nervously, "Haw haw haw..."
"Whatever," she replied distractedly, "would you like something to eat?"
"Nope."
"WOULD YOU LIKE SOMETHING TO EAT???" She roared causing the chav's burberry to blow off.
"Eeek" he squealed! "Ok! Erm, to you have any gluten tasting raspberry yogurt flavoured Ice cream?"
"Nope."
"Cake?"
"None here."
"Any chocolate?" he asked hopefully.
"For God's sake!" cried the agitated Queen, "This is not a café you know! You can't just pick what you like and expect to have it! Eat something sweet and magically powerful, Turkish delight or something!"
"Umm, ok, yes please your Majesty."
"Alright then, do you have any cash on you?"
"As a matter of fact, I do!" Edmund muttered suspiciously, "But why?"
"Well I ain't gonna conjure sweets out of thin air boy!" She snapped "Hand it over!"
She snatched a fiver from him and gave it to the chav who ran off to the nearest shop.
5 hours later…
"Here!" a cheap bar of chocolate and Turkish delight was thrust into his hand.
"Umm, thanks." He said, glancing at her hands and noticing a thin band of gold on her index finger. "What's that your Majesty?"
"THE RING OF POWER!!!" her hair whipped around her face as lightning crackled overhead "MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-!!!"
"Sorry to interrupt," he cut across "But wrong movie, you'll be wanting screen seven, down the hallway, turn left..."
-AHAHAH-? Is it?...Ah well I can't be bothered to change films. Meh, how do you like your Turkish delight?"
"I think I'm allergic to-" he glanced down at the ingredients on the "Turkish delight" as swellings grew on his face, "Arse-en-ick powder…"
"How dare you!" she snapped at him wrenching from his hands and throwing it over his shoulder, "I buy you a chocolate bar and that's all you say? Meh, come to my house sometime and bring your brothers and sisters with you, if you have any….I love children, they're so much easier to fit in the oven, I mean, govern…yeah…govern-ment. Well bye darling."
"Yeah P(censored) off you W(censored)!" called the chav pleasantly as the tractor wheeled away.
"Wait!" cried Edmund desperately, "How do I get back home?"
But the queen was already out of sight and earshot, which is probably why Edmund spent 4 long, cold hours trying to find the lamppost, which later had turned out to be right behind him after all. Isn't that nice.
"EDMUND! YOU GOT IN!!" screeched a manic voice, "Edmund turned to see his little sister running towards him, wearing a burglar's mask and carrying a sack labelled "SWAG." She barged into the Son of Adam sending him flying into the lamppost.
"Where have you been?" snapped Edmund rubbing his head grumpily where it had collided with the one cross-bar of the lamp.
"Robbing banks of course!" replied his darling little sister eagerly, "Well, I was going to, until Mr T turned up…So I just trashed his house! And I read his books as well, but I didn't really understand the phrases…Ed?" she turned to him with a puzzled expression, "What's a multiple-?"
Edmund suddenly had a mysterious coughing fit at this point,"Let's get back home Lucy…"
They both stumbled back into England
"Peter! Peter!" Lucy yelled, shaking his shoulders, "Wake up! The house is on fire!!!!"
Peter leapt up revealing that his hair was in pink curlers. "WHAT?" he grabbing her face in panic." SOUND THE ALARM! RAISE THE BANGLES! RING THE HOLY BELLS OF NOTRA DAME!! EAT THE VEGETARIAN CASSAROLE!"
" Umm, I was just kidding…but anyway," she straightened up importantly, "Narnia's in the wardrobe like I told you!!"
"You didn't tell us anything about NarNa Lucy…" Susan pointed out "…We forgot the script!"
Lucy menacingly pointed her teddy bear at Susan murmuring something like "Don't make me use this…"
"You must have been dreaming Lucy…" she muttered quickly.
"You were the one dreaming!" Lucy cried indigiantly, "I heard you moaning abou-"
Susan made a convulsive movement in Lucy's direction and goes red.
"Johnny Depp…" smirked Ed triumphantly.
"Oh shut up…" said Susan still blushing the shade of Peter's curlers.
"But I wasn't dreaming!" she said, changing the subject "This time Edmund went to!!"
Everyone turned to look at him.
"Were you there too, Edmund?" asked Peter slowly.
Edmund however, was still giggling silently at Susan and wasn't listening. After 3 hours of this, he finally lifted his face to see that they were still looking at him.
"Sorry. What are we talking about?" He asked when he thought it was apparent that they weren't going to stop giving him those worrying stares until he said something.
"What were you doing there again, Edmund?"
"Well what d'ya think?" cried Edmund as if they were all being particularly dense. "I was in the bathroom; I undid my dressing gown, got out my unbelievably huge-"
"NO!" They all yelled, their eyes shut as if they were trying to rid themselves of some distressing image, "NO! IN NARNIA!!!!"
"Oh right!" he said finally getting to the point, "Well I just met-
"AHEM!!" coughed Andrew warningly.
"- Definitely did not meet the white witch, Empress of the lone islands ect." Finished Edmund.
(A.N. AS ever, thanks for reading! And if you're from the States, Canada or Australia or just don't know what a chav is, let me explain: Chav is actually an abbreviation of "Council House And Violent". They are the type of British teenager that are usually considered "lower class and proud of it", and are renowned for under-age binge drinking, vandalism, smoking ect and they wear hoodies or Burberrys. No offence to anyone here looks around nervously but that is what they are supposed to be.