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The Trinity Times

Issue 4

MYSTERY SOUND IN ROME

Secret Weapon Test?

Empire Terrorists?

Yesterday morning, the peace of the holy city of Rome was shattered by a mysterious sound blast that disrupted electrical systems throughout the city. The blast lasted a few minutes but electrical systems took an hour to be resumed throughout the city. The sound was described by University of Rome professor as a harmless; low frequency sound blast also resulted in numerous health complaints from the citizens ranging from ringing in the ears to rattled nerves. The source of the sound was said to be from the restricted Vatican Offices. However, officials claim they too were clueless as to the origins of the sound.

A similar disruption was encountered a few months ago. The cause has yet to be determined. Rumours claim that the mystery blasts are secret weapon tests by the Inquisition. However, the relevant authorities vehemently denied this and pointed the finger at Empire-led terrorists.

NO HANKY PANKY!

New Vatican Times to Apologize for Slander

Dear all faithful, please do not be deceived by that New Vatican Times rag of unknown origin! There was no hanky panky involving our beloved pope and young nuns in remote pavilions of the Vatican Gardens. We ensure you that all photos published in the tabloid are CG-altered to show His Holiness in an unfavourable light. The Vatican officials have demanded that the tabloid apologize for this slander. Cardinal Francesco has personally taken charge of this and swears to using all in his power to stop any further slander of the Vatican's good name.

In an unrelated incident, Inquisition guards under the supervision of "Knight of Destruction" Brother Petros caught unauthorised persons later identified as reporters of the New Vatican Times loitering near the Lady's Chapel where his Holiness Pope Alessandro was scheduled to bless pilgrims late yesterday evening. The Inquisition has detained the reporters for questioning and apologizes to any pilgrim distressed or wounded as a result of witnessing the arrest.

Advertisement: Contract open for major repairs to Lady's Chapel, East Vatican City after a particularly violent arrest by a man of God.

Ask Leon

Dear all, I wish to introduce a new member of our team as our brother HC IIX has suffered a minor short circuit as a result of someonetrying to knock cable TV off my set. Don't fret as he will be back from the mechanic's soon. The bill's yours, Prof! Pray for him if you will. Let me introduce Father A. He's six feet twelve and has loads of experience as a travelling priest as he's an old guy, older than me… (gets elbowed by Sister N)

Dear Leon

I was raised in a very strict household and for more than ten years, I'm been trying very hard to get along. About 5 years ago, I was put in a position of power and great responsibility. I know I have my older brother and sister to thank for their ceaseless help and advice. However, recently, I am under a great lot of stress. My position is such that every single word or move I make can result in war, or at least a war of words between my siblings. I have been trying to give it my best. Yesterday, I couldn't take it so I skipped my work. My sister and brother got mad at me. Now I'm vetting some 1000 documents from my office as ordered by my brother and God, . I think he hates me. Help. I think I'm gonna run off and cry for a while.

- Overworked Alexi

Dear Alexi

Gee, you really could use a break from your job. How about you bust out from your home, I bust out from my cell and we go on the Grand Tour of Europe. I can take you down to the old Moulin Rouge and show you how to really have fun. And don't care two hoots what your stuffy old siblings say! You really need some time out. - Leon

Er, I'm sure my colleague's kidding you. I believe our siblings genuinely care for you. Why else would they yell at you and get angry? Perhaps you could talk to them about how you feel. Running away doesn't solve anything. – Father A

Dear Leon, Sister N,

I have written to you previously and thank you for your advice. After undergoing some traumatic incidents, I am now in Rome under the guidance of a nice travelling priest and I am slated to start my training in a certain Vatican office. My colleagues are nice and all, but I find myself attracted to a certain tall, white-haired, bespectacled priest! Help! My last romance soured when my then boyfriend turned out to be using me all along. I don't think I am ready for another romance so soon! I know I shouldn't but my heart simply goes fluttering whenever I think of his smile.

- Now Troubled in Rome

Leon: Abel! What are you doing seducing all the hot chicks! (Grabs Father A by the lapels and shakes him)

Dear Troubled

This may be just a passing phase. I think we should talk this over a cup of herb tea, don't you? If you are willing, you can contact me at the AX Offices. – Sister N (yanks Leon off Abel)

Dear Leon

Help. I need cash. I'm broke and in debt. Would you believe the last decent meal I had was yesterday? How can I convince my superior that I deserve a pay rise?

- 4 Dina Abel

Dear Abel

You clearly need a lesson in financial management. I am willing to give you one. Quit pinching my sugar packets please. –Sister N

Reply to Ad

Dear comrades, I am doing fine and will drop by the office for further instructions if any before swinging over to visit my hometown in Amsterdam for the Tulip Gardener Convention. –God's peace be with you, Hugue

Advertisement

Irritated by the inventor-next-door working at odd hours? Sick of being startled out of dreamland by bangs, whistles and other loud sounds at ungodly hours? Buy yourself a pair of Prof William's earplugs and a good night's sleep is guaranteed. Only 4 dinas a pair! Please send your cheques to Prof William W. at the University of Rome and a pair will be mailed to you in 48 hours.

Apology Note:

Dear Katie, Sorry about yesterday.

- Will (P.S.Were those lacy Vicky's Secrets under your habit a Christmas gift from Leon? Us guys got G-strings from him last Christmas.)

Reply: Too much said, Prof! (Gets whacked by the guys)

Personal:

Dear Miss Esther, thank you for that lovely afternoon in the garden. I wish to return you your hanky but I am unable to locate you. It has been washed and ironed and is ready for you to pick up at the Vatican Pope's Office if you wish. I apologize that due to my commitments, I am unable to return it personally.

Author's Notes:

Things are getting slightly naughty here. Abel's joined the Ask Leon team. And Woodsworth's offering a solution to the noise problem. Leon's abetting a runaway and poor Tres is out of action thanks to the Prof. He'll be back...