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Yes, finally, the Amsterdam episode. Plus a little side act when someone takes Leon's advice.
The Trinity Times
Issue 5
AMSTERDAM MASSACRE
Work of Fanatics?
Citizens of Amsterdam were shocked to discover their local Methuselah population murdered in their exclusive Tulip Theatre Club. The theatre was described as a utter bloodbath by the police officers who were the first on the scene after an anonymous tip-off. "Blood and dismembered bodies were everywhere, the horror…" a visibly shaken police chief, Rip van Wink stated before running off to throw up in the tulips.
The Methuselah nobles were known to spend their evenings, and nights enjoying entertainment in their exclusive club. Terrans could only be admitted on a special invitation granted only by the highest ranking members of the club.
The dead included Count Carel van der Werf, Lord Mayor of Amsterdam and a member of the Four Counts oligarchy controlling the Amsterdam and her sister cities in Lower Countries. The remaining counts have released a statement that they would be electing a new mayor for Amsterdam shortly. Until then, Lord Memling of Antwerp will be standing in as the mayor of Amsterdam.
Rumours have blamed religious fanatics for the deaths, said to be an act of revenge after the deaths of several clergy members of the Church of St Hans. The attack on the church left at least six dead. The bodies were drained of blood. The late Lord Carel had earlier issued a gag order on the church murders to prevent unrest between the Methuselah and Terran races.
In a strange twist, Lord Pieter van der Werf, brother of Lord Carel, was murdered by an unknown assailant during one of his favourite midnight outings a few days prior to the Tulip Theatre massacre. Authorities are still investigating the murder of Lord Pieter.
PIRACY OFF ALBION
Security issues in the Albion island fiefs
Maritime officials have reported a spike in the incidence of pirate attacks off the western coast of Albion. The region is exceptionally difficult for Albion navy ships to patrol due to the autonomous rights held by the ancestral island fiefs. The pirates are believed to be well-organized criminals with a hideout in the vicinity of the attacks. Lack of proper security on the island fiefs have been a concern for the Albion authorities for many years.
The list of ships attacked include container ships, bulk cargo carriers, tankers and in the most recent attack, a ship carrying a shipment of children's toys. The government of Albion has sent out a notice to all fief holders for a meeting next week in Albion's capital of Londonium to discuss cooperative counter measures to combat this increasing menace.
High Drama in St Peter's Square
Pope Trapped on Window Ledge
Yesterday morning found St Peter's Square in a tizzy as our beloved Pope was left stranded on his fourth-floor window ledge in what appears to be a freak accident. His Holiness (bless his sainted heart) had been trying to attend to a wounded bird outside his window when the windows slammed shut behind him. A pile of knotted and shredded sheets, most likely bandages for the injured bird, was found below the window. It was later determined that the bird was not seriously wounded and had flown off on its own.
The windows were jammed shut and the Vatican fire brigade had to be called in with a ladder to save his Holiness. After a fifteen minute rescue, the pope was hustled back indoors by his concerned cardinals. The Duke of Medici has declined to comment on what may have triggered this sudden but foolish act of compassion from His Holiness.
We of the Vatican Welfare Office wish to start that our Holiness was not subject to undue stresses for his tender age and that unfortunate incident was only a freak accident. Please ignore those baseless allegations that his Holiness was under the influence. We state that Pope Alessandro has no vices whatsoever. He is a well brought up young man with no past history of substance abuse.
Ask Leon
Dear readers, Leon has to report why my sensitive inner components were found in his TV set. Till he comes up with a satisfactory report, I have classified him as 'enemy'. – HC IIX (loads gun)
Aw, give me a break! They were showing the World Cup Live finals between France and Italy. Quit poking that gun in my face! – Leon
Guys, break it up! – Sister N
Dear Leon
I met this cool guy who saved me from a vampire, then I helped him escape from a wolf and get seriously injured in the process. When I wake up, I find he's gone and all I have left of him is his gold cross. I know I shouldn't be feeling this way about him. He kept very much to himself, hardly talked to me at all… but when I close my eyes, I see his gorgeous blond hair, muscular body…and those eyes (blushes). Help! I can't control my feelings!
- Lonesome in Amsterdam
Dear Lonesome
Please forward me a recent photo of yourself and an address. Dandelion will ensure you are lonesome no more – Leon (gets kicked in the shin by Sister N)
Negative, Dandelion will not be going anywhere until the report is given. – HC-IIX
My advice to you: treasure the memory. He may have very reasons for having to leave you, like getting excommunicated by the Vatican for improper behaviour. I am sure the cross he left for you means a lot for him. Your infatuation with him will fade slowly, though I know it may be hard at first. God bless you – Father A
Dear Leon
I am a man of few words. I have a major grudge against vampires and my idea of a good time is sending them to hell. However, my current employer is keeping me in check and I am thus unable to indulge my vengeance… I need some thing to take my mind off those vampires overrunning my beloved homeland!
- Silent Vengeance
Dear Silent
May I recommend crossword puzzles? Now, what sucks human blood and starts with the letters 'V-A-M-'… Er, maybe Sudoku will be a better way to occupy your mind - Father A
Dear Leon
This is a very rough week for me. My operative is misbehaving in Amsterdam, my big bro trying to pack me off to some really remote convent, little bro got himself stuck on the window ledge and my hair's getting split-ends. To cap it off, a certain agony columnist under my supervision has been doling out really bad advice. Any suggestions as to how I should reprimand him?
- Duchess of M.
Erm, a vacation sounds good, maybe to Hawaii…and throw in a two month bonus – Leon
Sister N: I sense serious hostility here. (Aside) Leon, I'll hate to be in your shoes.
HC-IIX here. Received a late update from the Vice-editor. Until further notice, Leon will be suspended from this column until he is done with his penance for a certain piece of rotten advice doing 30 hours of community work at the St Stephen's Children's Home aka Home for Tiny Terrors. In the meanwhile, please continue writing in to 'Ask Father A'.
Obituary to Pieter van der Werf
Dear Brother, although you are no longer with us I hope you enjoyed the special entertainment item I have set up in your honour in our club house. And I'm saying this to the Vatican: You will pay for what your travelling priest did! – Lord Carel
Personals:
Dear Duchess Katrina, please hear us out and quit setting your dogs on my messengers. I am sure that we can reach a win-win situation that will benefit both our peoples. Why don't we get together sometime and trim that blasted German rose bush down to size. – Lady Em Pire
Dear Sister Agnes. Sorry for leaving without saying farewell. I pray for your speedy recovery and continuing health and happiness. I hope that someday, I will be able to return to that lovely garden of tulips you keep without feeling the pain of those I have lost. – A travelling priest from Amsterdam
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Author's Notes:
Oh no! Leon's advice has got him in trouble. I'm playing up the Amsterdam incident. I don't know what sad past Hugue has, but I guess the flowers bring back memories for him, as does Sister Agnes. That's why he left without a word. Hugue writes in as well. BTW, Sudoku is a number puzzle.
I can't believe it! World Cup 2006 won by Italy. Gah! What happened, Zidane?