Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters
Neverland. I had to re-read Peter Pan to see what the gags I can draw out from lampooning the original story of Wendy and Peter Pan. Pirates and children are not off limits for this issue.
Child welfare finally get round to that dubious orphanage...
The Trinity Times
Issue 6
NEVERLAND ISLAND RAIDED
Albion Authorities Clamp Down on Suspected Paedophile
Albion child welfare officers have undertaken the first and largest raid on the island fief of a long-suspected paedophile James Barrie after Albion parliament passed the latest bill bringing the ancestral island fiefs under Albion law. Barrie once served as dean of the Science Department of the prestigious University of Londonium and was recognized for his contributions in the field of sound and genetic technology. However, he was discharged from the university after allegations of child molestation. The charges were later dropped due in insufficient evidence.
Barrie then retired to his ancestral home on his island fief and opened an orphanage. Child welfare authorities have long feared for the safety of children in his care and their worst fears were realized in the raid with the discovery of numerous children's remains in an underground cavern on the island. The bodies discovered are still being tallied at press time. Officers have made the startling discovery of a torture chamber where it was believed the orphans were subjected to unspeakable abuse.
Seasoned child welfare officers were shocked by the findings. "We have long-suspected that Barrie was using his orphanage as a cover for his paedophile activities, but nothing could describe the horror these poor children must have suffered," Nanna Darling, chairwoman of the Albion Association for Protection of Children is quoted. "If I ever get my hands on that monster, I kill him, so help me, God." Barrie has since fled the country and the authorities have issued a warrant for his arrest.
Shipper's Union Demand Answers for Piracy Mystery
The spate of pirate attack on Albion sea shipping may have ceased but shippers are left bewildered and fuming by allegations that it was all a ploy to get insurance. Leading industry player Long J Silver Shipping Insurance has hotly contested the claims for damages arising from pirate attacks carried out by fairies. Other players are expected to follow their lead.
Alleged pirate attack victim Captain Horatio Hornblower speaks: "These allegations are not only preposterous, they are an insult to all shippers who were victims of piracy in Albion. I was in no way drunk on the night of the attack and I swear upon the name of my illustrious ancestor Admiral Nelson that we were attacked by fairy-like creatures!"
Ask Leon
Dear readers, Leon and Father A have urgent matters to attend to this week so I, Sister N, and HC-IIX will be answering your letters.
Dear Leon
I think I am being sexually harassed by a colleague (Let's just call her NB). Every time she goes by my sentry post, she swings her hips so… and she smiles so… and I know it is wrong for me to think of her that way as she's a nun. But she has the sexiest body I have seen in a habit! Help! I am having some very naughty thoughts. Do you think she's provoking me on purpose?
- 3 o'clock Guard
Dear Guard
Definitely not. But your point is noted. However, you may be reading too much into gifts God granted Miss NB. She will refrain from swishing her hips too much in the future. Would you like her to bring you strawberry cheesecake as an apology?
- Sister N
Dear Leon
My partner has rented a cheap light aircraft at a ridiculously low price of 4 dinas. He wants to take me on a getaway to an island off the coast of Albion. Should I go with him or check the transportation first?
- Skittish Flyer
Dear Skittish
Here is a simple checklist: One, get a certified mechanic to check the condition of the plane's engine. If smoke billows out of the engine, you should reconsider renting this plane. Two, check for working hydraulics. If hydraulics fail, consider another craft. Third, check landing gear. If landing gear is not working, get another aircraft. If you are unable to get hold of an aircraft at short notice, get a working parachute for yourself and your partner (if you still wish to).
- HC-IIX
Dear Leon
I am a scientist who has been running foul of the law simply due to my passion for advancing mankind in the field of science. However, my country has issued a warrant for my arrest on the flimsy ground of crimes against humanity! To advance science, sacrifices must be made. So what if a few dozen brats died in my experiments? I got the results but no way to release them to the press!
- Dr Barrie
Dear Doctor
You sound more psychotic than that white-haired doctor from my favourite anime Yami no Matsuei. I have seen your photo as enclosed with your letter and unfortunately, you are not even a quarter as good-looking. I have decided that you need serious counselling for your lack of empathy with your victims and have sent your return address to the relevant authorities for their action.
- Sister N
Since I hate cases involving kids, I will trot over to Madrid, cure your problems permanently and get back to Rome in time for Vespers Mass. See ya later Sister N! – HC-IIX (loads guns)
Leon! Have you been tinkering with Tres' components again? He's starting to sound like you (shudder) – Sister N
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Thank You Note:
Hey Uncle and Father Abe! Thanks for helping Wendy and the others! We are still trying to find a permanent home. Currently, we are living in a warehouse… but it is alright so long as we are all together. Thanks again. - Peter
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Author's Notes:
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I don't know how many of you read or watch Yami no Matsuei. But as far as charming psycho physicians go, Dr Muraki is hot (although I wouldn't want to be his patient). Anyone read Hornblower? Admiral Nelson was a British war hero who lived and fought in naval battles in the Napoleonic wars. His last and greatest victory was at Trafalgar.