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The Trinity Times
Issue 7
EARTH TREMOR DEVASTATES BARCELONA
Thousands Killed, Death Toll Expect to Rise
The Spanish city of Barcelona was devastated by a massive earthquake late last night, reducing it to rubble. Rescuers fear the worst as thousands of bodies have been recovered from the ruins with thousands more still buried in the rubble of what was touted as the city of sun and romance. Authorities refused to even attempt an estimate of the death toll or the damages caused by this disaster. An irreplaceable loss to the world is the destruction of many buildings of pre-Armageddon architecture. Only the Sagrada Familia cathedral was spared.
"It was awful. One minute I was on the hillside admiring my city, the next it was dust!" a fortunate survivor exclaimed. "I was taking pictures of the nightscape for my work…there wasn't that much of shaking… everything sorta crumbled…." Seismologists are baffled by the extent of damage which far exceeds that caused by any previously recorded quake in the region. "It's like the Armageddon all over again. This quake is way off the Richter scale. No amount of preparation could have prepared the citizens of Barcelona for this," the chairman of the International Seismologists Association was quoted. "Our research into earthquake prediction has been thrown back a thousand years by this astounding development."
The Vatican has sent a medical team to the city within hours of receiving word of the disaster. In Rome, His Holiness will be leading a special memorial mass for the victims of the Barcelona quake. Pope Alessandro beseeches all to contribute generously towards sending much needed supplies and medical aid to the victims. His Holiness prays that we will unite together in our faith in this tiring time. Please direct all donations and pledges to the Red Cross.
WARNING SIGNS IGNORED?
Survivors of the quake were furious to learn that the collapse of Barcelona Gothic Cathedral a few days prior to the disaster may be a pre-tremor of the killer quake. Furious citizens alleged that the death toll would have been considerably less if the authorities had looked more carefully into the earlier collapse and evacuated the city in the wake of an impending quake. No one was injured when the building, which housed an art gallery, collapsed after closing time. The 600 year old building collapsed suddenly and the cause of the collapse was put down to structural erosion of the structure due to its age. Investigations into the cathedral collapse ruled out terrorist activities. This incident has been re-opened for further investigation.
Cardinal Alfonso to Visit Vatican
After a lengthy absence from the Holy City, Cardinal Alfonso has announced his plans to visit Rome next week. This move was hailed as a step forward in the mending of the somewhat strained relationship the cardinal has with our current church leadership. The cardinal had been living in Madrid after Pope Alessandro's ascesion. Coincidentally, Cardinal Alfonso is the uncle of His Holiness, Pope Alessandro and Cardinals Catherina and Francesco.
The Pope has fervent hopes that the long-standing rift in his family will be mended with God's blessings in this visit. Cardinal Francesco warmly welcomes his long estranged uncle and has planned a special welcome for him. The Duchess of Milan, Cardinal Catherina has declined to speak to the press.
Pharmaceutical Stocks Fall
After Dominic Pharmaceuticals reported massive losses from the Barcelona killer quake, global pharmaceutical stocks have plunged. This is not the first time Dominic Pharmaceuticals have made the headlines. Earlier, Dominic's board of directors shocked the world by splurging several million on the purchase of the Sagrada Familia Cathedral for development. However, no concrete plans have been made for its development. With the losses from the quake rising, the directors have announced that Dominic may be facing bankruptcy and ruin as the main plants and research labs of the company have been destroyed in the quake.
Ask Leon
Er, since Leon, Sister N, Father Abel and all the others have been roped in to help with assorted matters arising from Cardinal Alfonso's visit, I, Professor WWW, and my lovely assistant, Miss Blanche, will be answering your letters in this issue.
Dear Leon,
I am traveling in a romantic city with a guy I have crush on. It just the 2 of us, I have been trying to tell him, you know… We went for the lovers' dinner by the pier, then a sunset stroll by the sea…dropping hints… BUT HE STILL DOES NOT GET IT! HELP!
- Lady Lovelorn
Dear Lady Lovelorn,
I fully empathize with you. Sometimes you just feel you cannot tell him what you feel or spoil things as they stand. Perhaps my more experienced colleague can offer a hint on your problem – Blanche
This is simplicity itself! Tell your man using my latest invention "Saying I Love You" gadget. He has to be deaf and blind not to realize your feelings after you tell him using this thingy! Blow him off his feet with the full blast of your affections. Send me your address and a crossed check for fifty dinas and this little baby's yours. – Professor WWW
(Blanche faints)
Dear Senor Leon
I live next to a creepy abandoned gothic cathedral and my neighbours are driving me crazy with weird organ music, creepy shadows and those gargoyles. The sleepless nights are messing with my beauty regime! One neighbour's old and ugly but the other guy is a gorgeous-looking prince-type hottie. How can I discreetly ask them to cut back on their late night organ recitals without putting off the handsome prince guy? I have other plans for him, know what I mean?
P.S. While we are at it, is there some thing we can use on those irritating shadow gargoyles? Is it kosher for a girl to make the first move on a guy on a romantic full moon night like this?
- Upset Senorita
Dear Senorita
I recommend my WWW heavy-duty ear plugs for that organ music and a Wordsworth Superlight to drive those nasty shadows away. A peaceful night's sleep is a guarantee. You should also get my special guide, Wordsworth's Step-by-step Guide to Love, for your plans regarding the object of your affection.
- Professor WWW
Dear Leon
I have a relative coming to visit after a long absence. I fear it will be the start of a war over the dinner table since my sister does not seem very keen on this said relative's visiting us? Help, I don't want to witness a family feud blow-up at the dinner table again! I'm still traumatized from last night's squabble between my sister and my brother. They always start talking, then yelling, then storming off…
- Little Alexi
Dear Alexi
The logical conclusion to your problem is that you and your family should never sit down to break bread together, at least until they learn to keep dinner talk to talk and not yelling. – Yours in prayer, Blanche
Dear Leon
My Albion colleague is acting up recently. My sources informed me he made a fool of himself during his lecture on Albion church history at the University of Rome by getting the Protestant and Catholic denominations messed up. Then he put salt in his tea. Now he sends me a pair of bloomers! Has he gone senile!
- Katie
Dear Katie-girl
You are being oversensitive. I think you have been hanging about your radar screens too much. The lecture boo-boo was an honest mistake anyone could have made… Let's say I was a little distracted because of the cardinal's coming visit. Oh, and those bloomers are my newest "Sit-Easy" bloomers for women. Since, Blanche refuses to test them out, I hope you will kindly try them and see if they improve your sitting posture.
- Your friend, Willie
EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITY
Spanish Government seeking contractors, architects, artisans and engineers to re-build gothic cathedral in Barcelona. English or Spanish-speakers preferred. Prior experience in restoration works of classical architecture an advantage.
Interested persons please contact your nearest embassy of Spain.
Personal Ads
Employment opportunity for craftsman specializing in relics. We need authentic-looking relics for a movie-shoot. If you have the skills to make a realistic copy of the bones of St Whoever, we want you on our team. Contact us at Dreamchasers Casino, Venice.
WANTED. Guarded escort for a cardinal's special gift to the Vatican. The gift is top-secret and should not be allowed to be inspected by any customs personnel. Please write in to 8 Cardinal Lane, Madrid.
Dear Sword dancer, Appreciate it if you can nip over to Barcelona and check things out on the ground. Do keep an eye out for Noelle and Abel.