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The Trinity Times
Issue 8
Important Announcement
Cardinal Catherina Sofraz will be suspended from her duties as editor and will be unlikely to return to her post or duties. She will be leaving for a convent to do penance for disgraceful behaviour towards a guest of the Vatican. At the same time, I invite all upright men and women of God to apply for journalistic jobs with our paper due to an impending mass lay-off of certain staff under the Duchess of Milan
- Vice-editor Cardinal Francesco di Medici
EMBARASSMENT FOR VATICAN
Duchess of Milan Creates Disturbance at Mass
Vatican officials were left red-faced and outraged by the actions of the Duchess Catherina Sofraz during the purification ceremony of the obelisk bell tower presented to His Holiness the pope by Cardinal Alfonso as a peace offering. The obelisk is about sixty feet tall and will stand in St Peter's Square. It was transported in stages over the last three weeks before the final assembly on the square. The bell itself arrived just yesterday morning before being hoisted and installed in the completed obelisk. The Pope prays that this visit with his estranged uncle, Cardinal Alfonso will put to rest rumours of ill will between them.
The incident happened at about seven yesterday evening. The duchess had stormed into the ceremonial hall with her entourage and alleged that the bell to be purified and rung may be a trap by terrorists. She insisted that ringing the bell will cause the devastation of Rome. A tense confrontation occurred between the Inquisition guards and Milan's entourage before Cardinal Alfonso defused the situation by proving the bell was harmless. Milan and her entourage were escorted from the hall and the mass continued without incident.
Prior to her outburst at Mass, the duchess had ordered her subordinates to inspect all bells in the city of Rome. No definite reason was given as why the inspections are carried out or what they were looking for. Her brother, Duke Medici has expressed his regret that his sister had been acting increasingly eccentric and asks forgiveness from the Vatican College of Cardinals. Speculations are rife with regards to the state of her mental health. The College has requested that Milan be under house arrest until further investigations.
Sacred Relic found in Roman Vault?
The recent spring cleaning in preparation for Cardinal Alfonso's visit has yielded an unexpected surprise when some lay brothers discovered a casket in a vault in the Lady Chapel of St Anthony's Church. Based on the engravings on the casket, it is believed to hold the remains of St Mark. The patron saint of Venice, St Mark's remains were believed to have been lost during the Armageddon. The city of Venice has requested the return of their relic for verification in Venice. An expert will be examining the relic to confirm their authenticity.
Ask Leon
Dear readers,
As all members of your regular advice column are currently under investigation on charges of misconduct, I, Knight D, will be advising you on your problems. For more delicate feminine matters, my second in command, Lady D, will be assisting you.
Dear Leon
I am in conflict on hearing that my new partner is a Methuselah. I am not against Methuselahs or anything, but the idea that the person who will be watching my back during work probably thinks of me as a walking quick-bite is unsettling. I have tried asking my boss for a transfer but he has refused. Help.
- Conflicted Cop
Dear Conflicted
Place your trust in the Lord. Vampires have no place on this Earth! They are an abomination and should not be allowed to exist. You have a God-given duty to destroy this vermin, starting with your partner. I suggest a little sunshine, holy water or a simple stake through the heart.
- Knight D
Dear Leon
A friend of mine has gone missing in the recent Barcelona quake. There has been no news from her since and I know that the chance of her being still alive is nil. Somehow I feel responsible for her death. Why had I not stayed with her that night? I blame myself. She was so alive and a good woman… I wonder why this has to happen to her.
- Depressed Chap
Dear Depressed
Console yourself that your friend will be received by God into his kingdom. It was God's will that she was to be called home the day and way she did. I have faith that God will provide you with the strength to live the path he has chosen for you. Place your faith in the power of the Almighty.
- Knight D
Dear Knight D
I'll be back to claim my place as advice columnist! So don't you go changing the name!
- Leon
Dear Leon
You are sadly deluded. I recommend a long stay in that institute you were I for that incident you were booked for a few years back. However, I am more than willing to hand over this column as I have no patience with wimpy letters from lovesick females and weaklings.
- Knight D
Obituary
Sister Noelle Bor, aged 28, called home during the great Barcelona quake. A simple memorial service will be held in the St Meg's Chapel where she served her first days in the Holy city. We miss you and pray that the good God's light may shine upon you, rest in peace, Sister Noelle. – Your colleagues at AX
Personal:
Dear Inquisition chaps on my tail, please quit shadowing me. You have been trailing me since I crossed the Spanish border. It is starting to get on my nerves and I hate being shadowed. This is your final warning before I take defensive action which you will definitely dislike. – Hugue de Watteau.
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