A/N: Please read and review!
The afternoon went far too quickly for Calleigh's liking and before she knew it, it was almost time to call it a day. She was walking down the hall with some folders in her hands when she saw Alexx walking towards her.
"You've been in the building all day and you didn't even stop by to say hello? I"m hurt," Alexx said with mocking tone in her voice.
"I didn't forget about you," Calleigh said giving the M.E. a quick hug, "I was going to come and see you right after I delivered these papers to Cooper."
They began talking about cases and babies when all of a sudden, Calleigh's face went very pale and she began to sway on her feet. Alexx caught her as she started to fall.
"Calleigh, honey, what's wrong?" Alexx said, trying to stay calm.
"I don't know, I just got really dizzy all of a sudden and...Ouch!" she exclaimed holding her stomach. Both Alexx and Calleigh looked down to find Calleigh's pants soaked in blood.
"Alexx, what's happening? It's too early to have the baby!" Calleigh panicked.
"Sit down right here," Alexx said, guiding her to the floor. She looked around and spotted the boys walking down the hall. "Ryan, Eric, one of you go get Horatio and the other call and ambulance, quickly!"
Ryan took off at a sprint toward's H's office and Eric flipped open his cell phone and dialed 911. A few moments later Horatio came flying down the hallway with Ryan close behind. He knelt down next to his wife and took hold of her hand.
"Calleigh sweetheart, it's going to be okay," he said, but the slight tremble in his voice gave him away.
"Horatio, it's too early for the baby to be born. It can't happen today," she said, fear in her eyes.
The paramedics came and put Calleigh on a stretcher and wheeled her out to the ambulance. Horatio never let go of her hand. "Hang in there, Cal," he said, squeezing her hand, "Hang in there."
They got to the hospital and Calleigh was taken into a room behind some double doors. The E.M.T. told Horatio to wait in the waiting room, until the doctors could figure out what was wrong with his wife. Horatio paced back and forth across the floor, desperate to be with Calleigh. Alexx arrived a few minuted later, followed Ryan and Eric.
"What could have happened, Alexx?" he asked the M.E., running his fingers through his hair.
"I'm not sure, we just have to pray for the best," Alexx said, running her hand up his arm.
After what seemed like an eternity, the doors opened and a doctor came through. "Mr. Caine," he said, "Please come with me."
Horatio followed the man down the hall and into a room where his wife lay. "Calleigh," he said, hurrying over to her and holding her hand tightly.
"Horatio, they won't tell me anything," Calleigh said, her face contorted in pain and fear.
The doctor cleared his throat and they both turned to look at him. "There is no easy way to tell you this," the doctor began and Horatio felt his heart sink. "There have been complications in the pregnancy and I'm afraid that your son is dead. We are going to have to take care of this immediately or an infection will set in and it could threaten Mrs. Caine's life."
"Dead?" Calleigh choked through her tears, "How can he be dead? He was fine this morning."
"I'm sorry, Mrs. Caine, but sometimes these things just happen. We need to proceed with the birth process as soon as possible," the doctor said apologetically, "I'll leave you alone for a few minutes while we get ready for the procedure."
After the doctor left, Calleigh turned to Horatio, and she saw the pain in his eyes as well and it was almost more that she could deal with. "He's dead," she sobbed into his shoulder, "And it's all my fault. If I hadn't been so impatient and so stupid, we'd still have our son."
"Shh," Horatio said, holding her tightly against him, "It's not your fault. Sometimes these things just happen." He didn't want to tell her it was going to be okay eventually because right now even he was having a hard time believing it.
The doctor came in and they began the birthing process. Calleigh cried uncontrollably the whole time and Horatio just held her close. He was crying on the inside too, but he couldn't let her see his weakness for fear she'd lose all hope.
After a short time, Calleigh was instructed to push and she did so, but it was half hearted. She had been looking forward to having a child of her very own, but now as they went through the motions, there was no prize at the end of all this pain. Her son would never take his first breath, she would never hear him cry.
Eventually a tiny baby boy was delivered into the hands of the doctor. There was no celebration as there should have been, only more tears, and Calleigh and Horatio hanging onto each other, held together by fragments of their former selves.
The tiny body was cleaned up and wrapped in a little blue blanket. The doctor came over and handed the little lifeless bundle to Calleigh. She took it gently and leaned against Horatio. She pulled back the blanket with a shaking hand and peered at her son. He was perfectly formed; his little eyelashes lay on his cheek, and his hair, which was a strawberry-blonde, was in adorable disarray. Every feature, every little part of him was perfect, and for a moment Calleigh could almost imagine that he was alive and would open his eyes at any moment. But it was not to be.
Horatio looked down at his son and tears filled his eyes. He touched the baby's soft, cool cheek with his finger tips and he knew his heart was breaking. Calleigh rocked the baby gently and sobbed, leaning into Horatio and he held onto her. They stayed this way for a long time, until the doctor explained they needed to make arrangements for the body. Horatio understood, and tried to take the baby from Calleigh's grasp.
"No!" she sobbed, "Don't take my baby!"
Although it broke his heart to do so, he pried the baby from Calleigh's hands. Over her sobs of protest, he looked at his son one more time and then handed him over to the mortician. He went back to Calleigh's side and held her tight as they both cried over their dream that had been so violently shattered.
Arrangements were made for the little boy to be buried in a children's cemetery at the edge of town. The name they put on his grave stone was Noah Riley Caine. At the funeral, Calleigh was still a mess. She had barely spoken since he died, and when she did it was mostly blaming himself for Noah's death. Horatio had tried to hold it together, but he was failing more and more as the days progressed. Not only had he lost his son, but it seemed he was losing his wife as well.
The painful days turned into weeks, and eventually a whole month had passed since Noah was lost to them. Horatio had gone back to work a week after his death, needing to focus his mind on something besides the tragedy in his life. Calleigh, however, had made no such strides to find her life again. She spent most of her days in their bed or on the couch, staring into nothingness. His heart ached to see her this way, but nothing he tried could free her from her prison of grief. She had not smiled since Noah's death. Horatio had talked to many psychologists about what to do, and they had all told him that she was suffering from severe depression and that beyond taking some medication, there was nothing they could really do for her.
He woke up that morning and looked over to her side of the bed. He knew that she most likely was not sleeping, but he made special efforts to climb out of bed without making too much noise. He went in to take a shower and get ready for work. He wished his wife would join him today. To him, perhaps that greatest tragedy to come from the whole situation was not that fact that he had lost a son, but that he had lost his wife. The charming, happy, strong, beautiful woman he had fallen in love with and married had disappeared so far into her grief that he barely recognized her anymore. She was a mere echo of the woman he used to know and his greatest fear was that she would never come out of it. He knew it would kill him if she were lost to him forever in that way. He loved her so much.
Before he left, he went back up into their bedroom and knelt in front of her. Her eyes were open, but they stared unseeing through him. He brushed a strand of hair from her forehead and said, "I'm going to work now Sweetheart. If there's anything you need, call me okay? I love you." He pressed a kiss to her lips, but there was no response. He smiled sadly, and stood, ready to face another day with out her.
Later at the lab, Ryan and Eric stopped him in the hall. They were worried about their boss and their "big sister". Horatio's face showed a sadness that was almost uncomprehensible and it was as if a rain cloud followed him around, dampening the mood where ever he went.
"H," Eric said, putting a hand on his shoulder, "How are you holding up?"
Horatio sighed, "Today's a rough day, but I have to keep going."
"How is Calleigh?" Ryan asked, looking at the ground and then back up at Horatio.
"She's...She's.." he began, swallowing back the tears, "I don't know anymore. It's like she's given up the will to live. I try to talk to her, but she never says a word. When she's asleep at night, she mutters 'It's all my fault', and when I try to convince her that it wasn't her fault, she ignores me completely or burst into sobs. I'm afraid I'm losing her." The tears came, but he wasn't ashamed to cry in front of his friends. "I can't lose her. Not after everything else that has happened. I'd rather die first."
Ryan and Eric each put a comforting hand on his shoulder, knowing there was nothing they could say to make it better. Horatio gave them a sad smile. "Thank you," he said, grateful for the shelter they provided from his worst fears, "I guess we've just got to take this one day at a time. And have hope of a brighter tomorrow."
Back home Calleigh was sitting on the bed, staring off in front of her. Her mind was in a whirl; thoughts and ideas and pain being tossed around until there was no way of telling up from down. This last month had been a complete nightmare; not only had she lost her son, but she had let Horatio down as well. He had wanted the baby so badly and she hated the look of sadness on his face, knowing it was her fault it was there.
Her fault. This whole mess was her fault. That thought brought her the most pain. If she had listened to the doctor and taken it easy, she might still have a son. She brought her knees up to her chest and sobbed uncontrollably. She had known better and yet she had killed her own son. She felt so unworthy to be loved by anyone after what she had done. Especially Horatio.
Horatio. She had let him down. She didn't deserve to be married to such a wonderful man when she was so ordinary. That was it. She didn't deserve him. All of a sudden a sudden a thought popped into her head. 'Leave him' said the little voice in her head, 'You don't deserve to be married to him. You are a killer. Leave him so that he has a chance at happiness.'
That made sense to her, as nothing had for a long time. Without really thinking she walked over to the closet and began to pack her clothes. When everything was ready to go and put in her car, she sat down to write a note to Horatio. Tears pouring down her face, she laid out her heart on the paper, explaining why she had to leave. She signed the letter, put it in an envelope and sat the letter on the kitchen table where he would be sure to see it. After a moment of reflection, she took her wedding ring off and tenderly placed it beside the note.
She took one last look around the place she had called home for six years, memories assaulting her at every turn. She walked out the door, and out of her life. For good.