Chapter Thirty Five - Attitude

It took them three days to walk through the forest, and they had been two nights at the inn. Pazu had risked stopping here because they simply had to. They were wet, freezing cold, hungry and exhausted. They had walked hard through the snowy woodland trying to get through it as fast as possible. They had come upon the town in the valley below the wooded hills and despite the risk, Pazu thought it essential that they get warm, dry, clean, rested and fed. He still had some Marinaen money. The innkeeper accepted it although Pazu thought he charged them more for the inconvenience he'd have of visiting the money changer.

"Refugees from the war, eh?"
"Yes."
"Don't blame you, terrible business."
"What is the news on it?"
"Whole show's ground to a halt from what I can tell. Don't know if you can ever trust the papers though, eh? Marinaer was pretty much finished, then Numenaor sent their army over and attacked from the east and pushed us back, eh? All the way back into Greycastle and that's when the rain and snow pretty much put a stop to it all. Very little flying going on, roads is all mud. I'm hoping the politicians will talk over winter and get to an understandin', don't you think, eh?"
"I hope so. It's horrible in Marinaer."
"Where you from?"
"Near Stoak, in the north east."

Once again, being a fugitive and being in a war made lying so easy. Lying and stealing for Pazu had become almost essential to their survival. That didn't mean he had to like doing it.

"Yes, nasty business and no mistake. Bad for trade too, lots of empty rooms, eh?"

They had taken a room upstairs at the back of the inn overlooking the stable yard and the first thing Pazu asked was did the inn keeper have a bath house. He did, a room on the ground floor where he had a boiler that was always kept full in winter. More of Pazu's precious money changed hands, but this was an expense worth every penny. The bath house was a brick building attached to the rear of the inn, it had a fireplace with a wood store and Pazu soon got a roaring fire going.

Pazu was filled with a pleasant sense of anticipation. He wanted to do again the wonderful thing they had done in the cave. It had been exciting and he knew she had enjoyed it so he felt sure she would want to be with him again. The two nights in the forest had been terrible. They had found whatever shelter they could, in the lee of trees or in hollows and he'd cut off fir tree branches and made up layers of these both under them and around them to trap in the warm air from their bodies. It had been bitterly cold, had snowed hard this last three days, and they'd slept fully dressed, huddled together in the poncho in front of the biggest fire he could light. He'd used up the last of their chemical tablets. There had been no opportunity for anything, any kind of contact, they hadn't even cuddled, he'd just put his arms round her trying to give her as much of his body's heat as he could. But now, in this cozy place, in this hot bath, surely she would want to have him touch her?

"Do you want… um, do you want me to bathe you?"
"No."
"Oh. Wash your hair?"
"Not tonight Pazu, I'm just tired."
"Oh, alright. I'll, er, I'll wait and bath second."

She didn't answer. He let himself out of the room. He went upstairs and sat on the bed, wondering what was going on. He must have done something wrong, he'd been racking his brains all day trying to think what but nothing came to him. He sat there an hour flicking through the Oistrakh-Auera dictionary but not really reading any of it when she came up.

"Please excuse me, I'm so tired, I'd like to go to bed."
"Oh, yes, sure. Ah, I'll go down and bath. I'll be back soon."

Again, no answer.

He must have definitely said the wrong thing somewhere.

Or done it.

He sat in the wonderful hot water, feeling the aches and pains and stresses float off him, all his worries and cares soaking away. Except one. Sheeta, or rather Sheeta's attitude. She was acting funny and he knew it must be his fault but he couldn't see what it was. She had started acting funny yesterday. They had been walking in the snow downhill through the woods and she'd slipped and fallen down. As he did, as was quite normal, he went to help her up but she just shrugged him off and grumpily got up on her own.

"Don't touch me, I can do it myself," she'd snapped at him.

She'd even said something he hadn't caught, a curse in her own language he assumed. And she'd been walking funny as well, she walked with her arms folded tightly across her front as though annoyed. Without using the arms to balance in the soft snow it was no wonder she'd fallen.

"Walk with your hands out, you won't slip over."
"Mind your own business, I'll walk how I want."

And she'd carried on. And a half hour later she'd fallen again. This time, unsure, Pazu had held back, standing near to see what she would do. She rolled onto her knees and went to rise when she slipped and went down again on her face.

"Don't just stand there stupid! Help me!"

He'd done so, and when she was up he brushed the snow from her legs.

"Leave it! I can do it!"
"Just helping."
"I'm fine."

She sounded anything but fine, she sounded angry. Without a word of thanks or even an apology she went on ahead.

wrong if I help her up and wrong if I leave her down. what have I done to deserve this?

They walked in silence for nearly two hours. He could see her being grumpy, see the way she walked and she never once took her folded arms from her chest, she looked defensive and fed up. He kept away from her, kept silent. That evening he lit a fire and melted snow into hot water, it was all they had, the tea had run out in the cave. But hot water was good to keep their core temperatures up. She had sat, hunched up in a small bundle by the fire, chin on her knees, doing nothing. He offered her a mug of water and she looked up and moved her hand suddenly and knocked the tin mug out of his hand, the water spilled on the snow, hissing.

"Oh, for heaven's sake! You stupid idiot! Can't you do anything right?"

She got up and stomped away, standing at a distance and staring at nothing.

"Sheeta! I'm sorry. Here, have mine."
"Don't want it."
"No, you need it. Keep you warm."
"How can it keep me warm? I'm damn well frozen!"
"All right, make you warm, then."
"Don't want it."
"Don't be silly."
"You have it."

And she'd walked off into the woods black with night and white with falling snow.

"Don't go far."

No reply. Today had been a little better but she'd still worn her arms over her chest like they were sewn there and conversation had been minimal. When they got near the town he had hidden the rifle. Taking any firearm into a town was a risk but a military issue rifle was asking for certain trouble. He had a lot more bullets for it than he had for the revolver so not wanting to throw it away he found a dead tree bole, wrapped the gun and ammunition belt up in the blanket and stuffed it in. He planned to retrieve it when they left the town. During this process which had taken less than five minutes she had stomped up and down, muttering and complaining she was cold.

He sat in the bath.

yes, something was definitely wrong

He opened the bedroom door quietly. The room was dark, she was a small bump in the middle of the big bed. He quietly slipped his things off

laundry day tomorrow

and got into bed. As he moved he touched her back.

"What are you doing?"
"Getting in bed."
"You're freezing."
"I can't be, I just had a hot bath."
"And you woke me up."
"Sorry."

what the hell is the matter with you?

He lay down. An invisible barrier between them.

"Can I hold you?"

Silence.

"Sheeta? Do you want a cuddle?"
"Just get close to me and keep still, I'm trying to sleep."

He moved up to her, his front pressed to her back. He was naked, she had her nightshirt on. She lay curled up in a ball, he brought his knees up below her bottom. All he wanted to do was give her as much of his body heat as he could, but she muttered about keep still. He put an arm around her waist and moved it up, he only wanted to comfort her, to hold her where she was soft. He thought she might like that but she pushed his hand down.

"Pazu, don't. Just put your arm down there and go to sleep."

She had called him Pazu and not Paetsu. She hardly ever did that now. Except when she was angry with him it seemed. Confused and unhappy, he listened to her gentle breathing for a long time before sleep came for him.

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26 – 28 March 2007

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