Author's Note: We're gonna sip Bacardi like it's your birthday… arrrgh I have someone's 18th birthday party to go to but I'm sick with food poisoning. Damn. I mean, SHE'S TURNING 18! THAT'S LIKE, LEGAL!
Disclaimer: Netsuya Tomura owns everyyyshing, offishuer… (hiccup) I'm not… (hic) driting wrunk…

"Hey Teef," Reno raised his hand and waved her over. "Hit me with another one." His hand dropped back to the mahogany bar counter.

Tifa looked at the pitiful sight of the redhead Turk for a moment. He was such a fool at times. She sighed and poured him a tequila, slipping a paper coaster under it because the bar was recently renovated and didn't want any mars on the counter of her beautiful bar.

He took it between two fingers, and downed it in one shot. The empty glass slipped from his fingers and crashed onto the floor. The bar had about seven people in it, and all looked up for a fleeting moment, and went back to their business when they realized it was the friendly neighborhood drunk that just broke a shot cup.

Reno reached down drunkenly from his black vinyl barstool to clean up the mess, and his face teetered dangerously from the glass shards. Tifa saw this and pulled Reno back up before he ended up kissing the floor and getting some pieces stuck between his lips.

His head leaned on her shoulder, lolling to the side. She felt his breathing on her bare skin and had an idea. A very ingenious idea, to say the least… Tifa signaled to the other barista to take over for a minute.

The former AVALANCHE member dragged Reno to the back of the bar, where they kept extra boxes of supplies. She tied him to a chair with telephone cords, and as the drunken Reno tried to decipher what was happening, Tifa had a nice laugh.

All she needed to do now was to wait…

The single, bare light bulb that swung slowly from the ceiling cast a sharp, glaring light all over the room, accentuating the cement walls and floor. It sizzled every nine minutes or so.

Reno snapped out of his inebriated state to think that he was kidnapped by an army of gay terrorists led by Tseng and Rufus. Reno was particularly terrified that they would do something when he "dropped the soap".

Oh, how his butt would hurt.

He looked around and licked his lips, something he would do to concentrate. Hey, he never had a strawberry daiquiri… why the hell did his lips taste like it? The daiquiri-like taste on his lips had a plastic aftertaste, and that meant only one thing:

The gay army of terrorists put makeup on him!

"Don't you look absolutely adorable?" Tifa smiled and tried to apply mascara to his lashes, but he struggled too much for her to put it on without smudging it all over his face.

He growled and snapped at her, very much like a scared, vicious puppy would do when you touch his favorite toy. "Tifa," He said between clenched teeth, "Get me out of this, or I'll…"

"Or you'll what, oh Mr. High-And-Mighty Turk? Come after me with your Turk buddies? Arrest me? Shove me against a wall and pin my hands over my head and pat me down? Tell me the speech that goes like, 'You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can or will be used against you in a court of law. If you cannot afford a lawyer the city of Midgar will…'"

Reno sat dumbly in his chair and tried to figure out why this sounded so familiar to him. As she rambled on, something in Reno's non-existent brain clicked, and he nearly stood up and exclaimed, "AHA!", but his feet were also tied to the chair.

"Tifa!" he shouted, bringing her out of her little reverie.

She whipped around and looked at him. "What!"

"Do you like your martinis shaken, not stirred?"