- mum, this is for you. thanks, you were really cool -

Chapter Fifty Seven – Confession

In the blackness there was just her warmth against him, and her smell and the hard ground beneath them, nothing else. She spoke.

"She was my mamma. She became her. I was… I was just here, underground and talking to a rock. Uh, it sounds silly. And in my head I heard her answers. Not words, more like. I don't know, it's hard to describe. Like when you dream? People don't speak but you feel their words, like in emotions. I could hear her feelings. Her pride, her joy, her sadness, her longing. Her… love. I just couldn't bear it, everything was so strong. All her emotions were so powerful and strong, they tore me to pieces. I can't believe how this is. She was alive, she was a person. And yet a rock."

Sheeta paused, lost for words. She held on tight to Pazu. She could go on spewing this out for ages but even then she wouldn't begin to describe what she had just experienced. She had just lived for a day. A whole day. With her mother.

"Did I cry?"
"Yes. A lot. But you kept talking to her."
"Talking? I was talking?"
"Yes, for ages, ten minutes, twenty minutes. I don't know."
"Really? I don't remember. I just remember being close to her and we were. That's right, we were sat in my house, in the parlour. In chairs by the fire. And she was talking to me and I was talking, but it must have been a sort of dream. I looked up. Pazu, I cannot explain this but my own mamma was sitting there. I hardly remember her face, it's been so long since I saw her, so many years. Her face has become hazy to me, just a pale shape and a feeling. But now, she was here. We were sat by the fire talking, and she loved me so much. She was so sorry to have left me, she apologized for leaving me so young. I told her grand-mamma had been there and had taken good care of me."
"You did?"
"Hm."
"You never said any of that."
"I don't know really what happened, but we talked for a long time. It was summer and the day was hot and we went outside and walked in the field by the lake. We walked for ages, hours, by the river. We talked. And Pazu… oh, my I can't say this. We talked about everything, my childhood, what I used to be like, the games I played, how I used to be naughty. And we held hands and threw stones in the water. We picked flowers. I made her a crown of flowers and she wore it. Then we went back to the house and she cooked a meal. I sat by the fire on the little raised wall there? You know? By the kitchen hearth and my legs swung – they were too short to reach the ground. I was a child again, I was four years old. She cooked us pancakes and we had cream and strawberries on them. Did I ever tell you I like strawberries?"
"Yes. You did."
"We ate and then we… she read me a story. A story of a prince who was sent away because his father hated him. He came back years later to claim his kingdom but it had changed and the people didn't want him. And a princess he had known as a child and who had loved him for years was waiting. They met again and fell in love and although no-one else liked him or wanted him to be prince, the princess did. She welcomed him into her home and they lived together happily ever after. He was no-one to the people, but to her she was his lost prince.

"As she read to me I thought it was a sad story but lovely too. I was only four and didn't know you, but it seemed a lovely story to me. I sat there beside her and wanted my lost prince to come home. And she said… mamma said…"
"Sheeta… don't. If it hurts to say it, just keep it in yourself."
"Pazu, no. I want to tell. She said. If your prince comes back, you won't love me, won't need me. And I said no, mamma I will always love you. But she just smiled and looked at me. Then she tucked me into bed and kissed me goodnight and told me she loved me. She said no matter what, how long or whatever I did or wherever I went she would always love me. And if I ever needed her to do anything. Anything at all, whatever I asked of her, she would do it. Out of love."
"Sheeta please…"

Her face was pressed into his chest.

"No, Pazu, this is part of it, part of the healing, telling you is part of it all. This isn't about just the Engine or me no longer being Queen, it's a breaking and a mending too. My heart must be broken by this and mended, made new, made different. A new person. This is part of me no longer being Queen, it is all a part of the one story. She said even if you ask me to die, I will die for you, because I love you to the end of the earth, you are mine, my special child, and I will always love you. So just ask, and I will give. It will be the last thing I will give. After I have given it, take what is left and live your life. Take your lost prince and bring him home.

"And… and I did. I asked her to rest, to sleep, to go. Even though the reasons I gave were so selfish and silly and felt shallow, she said yes, of course, I am happy to because it is you asking. So she climbed into bed with me…"

Sheeta stopped speaking. For a while she was silent and the tears flowed.

"She lay down, and we cuddled and I hugged her and told her I loved her and she said she loved me. And we went to sleep."
"Sheeta. Please, please, enough. That's enough. We should leave."

He stood, somehow he did. He uncoiled the dull silent stone's cord from her fingers and put it around her neck. He offered her his hands and she took them and he pulled her up. He lit his lantern and they were stood in a cavern. Just a cave, a ordinary cave like countless others. And with an arm around her waist, supporting her, he led her from the cold dark chamber and home.

And they never looked back. Looking back was over now. From that moment on, they looked only forwards. Always on and forwards and always in hope.

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22 April 2007

For author notes about Chapter Fifty Seven, please see my forum (click on my pen name)