Disclaimer: Ooh, I need to find something to do.

Tifa had been avoiding Reno for weeks. That was her first time getting high, and she vowed not to go near anyone who has problems with substance abuse. Reno got her high! She hated him more than Chuck Norris hated the color pink. She wanted to roundhouse kick him in the testicles and then rip them out with a rust safety pin coated in ammonia and bleach.

Sitting at her desk trying to remove her membership at the dating site at 2 in the morning with no lights on made her eyes burn and she turned on her desk lamp to ease the pain of frying pupils. As she did that, she saw her calendar on the wall, and looked at the week she highlighted in red for her menstrual cycle.

Oh god, she was late.

Using two fingers, he pushed the blue beaded curtain to the side and entered Madame Circe's Fortune Reading Hut. The walls were a dark purple and decorated with odd hieroglyphs, the air was hazy, fat black candles were burning in their holders on tables, and Madame Circe herself, a woman in her thirties with an eyepatch and a bandanna on her head, was seated at a table.

"Come, child. Reno, is it not?" She said with a heavy accent. Was she really psychic, or did she read newspapers? Hmm…

Reno sat opposite her at the old circular wooden table, looking at her crystal ball. "So, you can tell me my future?"

She nodded slowly, and smiled, gold teeth showing. "Aye, child." She picked up a deck of tarot cards and began shuffling. After about three long minutes of shuffling, Circe lay down one card. "The Drunkard."

"…"

"The Scholar."

"…"

"Knowledge. Power. Rivalry."

"… and what does this all mean?" He asked, clearly confused and lost.

Circe smiled and put away the cards. "The crystal ball will show me." The crystal ball looked like nothing more than a glass orb with smoke inside of it. Psh. Cheap things you get at carnivals.

Madame Circe looked long and hard at the crystal ball, put both her hands on it, and began to sway back and forth, chanting in an odd mystical language. "Loquor mee menti, factus de materia, cinis elementi… similis sum folio, de quo ludunt venti…"

Reno thought she was either possessed, reaching the other realm, or clinically insane.

"My child, while visiting your favorite bookstore, you are drunk, and you are caught in the middle of a violent melee between rival book clubs reading the same book. Unable to escape the madness, you are beaten to death with an unabridged dictionary." She finished, wiping away an imaginary tear.

"Well, I guess you don't have ED anymore."
"Mmhm."
"Can we do that again?"
"You do know I can't go twice in one day."
"There's always the blue pill."
"I need to take a physical tomorrow."
"Viagra shows up in your bloodstream?"
"…why wouldn't it?"
"Come on, what would Rufus do when he finds out you're on Viagra?"
"…"
"It's not like you guys are having sex."
"…"
"Right? Right?"
"Elena, there's something I need to tell you."
"…Tseng, please don't tell me you're gay."
"I'm-
"OH GOD, JUST STOP. STOP RIIIGHT THERE. AAGH… I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE GAY AND CHEATING ON ME! HOW COULD YOU? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO M-"
"Rufus was born without a penis."
"-E AND DID YOU EVER STOP TO THINK HOW I WOULD FEEL-what?"