Lee wants to collapse onto the asphalt and never move again, he finds himself so tired. He's thirsty and hungry, which he can't help but think a little strange. His body is gone and the need for such things should be gone as well, but his mind still yearns for nourishment.
Leoben stands idly by, not saying a word. No cryptic messages. No life shattering revelations.
It's only a matter of time, Lee thinks.
More than a few minutes pass and the cylon is still quiet, and Lee can't help but feel the silence becoming more and more uncomfortable. Leoben's eyes are burning a hole in the back of his head but he won't turn around to look.
He thinks of this afterlife. He thinks that everything he's been brought up to believe is turning out to be a lie. If the stories in the scriptures were true the one's he loved and left behind would have been waiting for him. His mother and Zak would have been here with open arms, welcoming him to the end. Sadly they are nowhere to be found. Kara is nowhere to be found.
He thinks of his father. He can see him sitting in his quarters, tinkering with that old model ship. He wonders just how the old man is taking the loss of two people closest to him in the fleet. One his blood, the other might as well be. He wonders how much ambrosia it will take to numb the pain.
He thinks of Dee and wonders how could she love such a selfish man. How she could give her heart to him, how things can be the best they've ever been, only for him to lose his life without a single thought for someone who wasn't her.
He thinks of Helo, Sharon, Cally, and the Chief. He and Kara's closest friends. He can see them all standing around the memorial deck putting their pictures up. He can see the chief saying a few words of scripture. He can see Cally and Sharon's tears, and Helo's comforting understanding surrounded them all.
He thinks of Sam Anders and feels guilty for being the other man. Sam was not a bad guy. He loved Kara as much as anyone was allowed to. He made her happy while he could. He was willing to walk away to let Kara sort out her feelings for him, and was just as happy to accept her back when he had shot her down. He was a good enough man not to hold it against Lee because he knew there was something between Lee and Kara that no one would ever want to get in the way of.
He thinks of Kara. He thinks about how much he thought her knew her. He thinks about looking into her eyes whenever they dared to do such a thing, and seeing what was inside. Knowing now that whatever he thought he saw, was only something resting on the surface. He thinks about what is between them. He thinks that, even when they found themselves in each others arms, they never could find the words to make the other stay. He thinks about missing her so much he wants to die all over again.
"Memories can be dangerous," Leoben says breaking his silence, as if he's reading Lee's mind. "They can burrow their way into your brain and lay dormant. You never being the wiser until one day they're triggered by someone unforeseen event and you're lost in yourself to the point where you're staring death in the face knowing you have a choice."
"You said she never had a choice."
"I'm not talking about her."
Lee turns to look at him.
"From what I know you had a choice Major. You could have pulled back. You could have lived."
"And how do you know all this?"
"I see things," Leoben says. "And the more I see you the more I know . I see you watching all that was Kara Thrace's life before you. I see her pain become your pain. I see your will and your want to take that pain away from her. I see you doing anything to complete this goal."
Lee turns away from him again and stares down the endless road.
"I see you taking your hand off the controls," Leoben goes on behind him. "I see your giving your final apologies. I see you closing your eyes. I see you praying that you find her."
Lee feels his body stiffen. The words have the bitter sting of truth in them. He had done those things. He had made a choice.
"What I don't see," Leoben says. "Is why they accepted you as well."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
They are in an academy bunk room on Picon. It must be late afternoon because the sun is barely there falling lazily along the bunks. It's the shadows that catch his attention. The shaded forms of two people popping up from one of the beds. Their voices are muffled despite the fact that the room is empty. He knows one of those voices is Kara's. Her hears her soft giggle and can't help the smile from forming. At least she's happy this time. Leoben leads him around a row of lockers and the smile instantly drops from his face.
Zak is there, laid out on a bunk, covered only by a sheet. It's been so long since he's seen his brother. He never brought any personal belongings to Galactica because it was to be such a short stopover those years ago. He doesn't even have a picture. And all the photos his father has aren't how Lee remembers him. Still, for not seeing Zak in so long, having to see him like this for the first time is not making it easy. It doesn't take an oracle to see what had happened just a few moments before he and Leoben came strolling in.
"She loved him more than she ever thought she could," the cylon says. "More than her broken heart could take."
Lee can see that between them in this moment. He never had before. This isn't how people act when others are around. When others are watching.
"I know," he says quietly.
"You didn't," Leoben counters. "But you do now."
"I want you to tell me the truth about something," Zak says.
Lee's stomach churns as his brother speaks, and he takes in a shaky breath. He misses talking with his brother more than he ever realized. He turns his gaze over to Kara who's sipping from a bottle she's pulled from her locker, his eye catching a picture of the three of them over her shoulder.
"You passed," she says practically mid swallow. "By the skin of your teeth, but you passed."
"How does that make you feel?" Leoben asks, moving closer to him. Far too close for comfort. "She finally had something good in her life. Something she thought she deserved. The one time she puts her heart first and your only brother dies as a result."
"I..." Lee can't find the words.
"I don't want any special treatment," Zak goes on. "Not from my father. And certainly not from you."
"How easy it was for you to put the blame on your father. You already had so much hate in your heart for his leaving you and your family. For leaving you to try and raise your brother on your own."
Kara walks back to the bed, just past the two of them, her eyes focused only on the man she loves.
"Zak, I am a flight instructor. I am not going to send you to vipers if you don't have the chops, okay?"
He watches as they fall back into each other so naturally, and feels an oh so painful pang of jealousy.
"Even when she told you the truth. That it was her doing, that it was her fault, your anger at Zak's death was still directed at your father. You never once considered being angry with her. For so many other things she infuriates you, but never for that."
Lee steps backward, wanting to put as much distance between himself and them and this scene of happily never after.
"For a happily married man you're taking this awfully hard."
The frustration is instantaneous because he wants to punch something so badly and knows he can't.
"She hasn't met you yet if that helps," Leoben sighs. "She hasn't learned what it means to really care for someone."
Zak and Kara aren't done and Lee wants to be anywhere else in the universe other than this room.
"Do you see why it's so hard for her to give her heart to you?" Leoben asks. "Do you see why she keeps you at bay? She wanted to be an Adama once and he paid for it with his life."
Lee turns his head away from them, the envy of the moment so much that he feels disgusted with himself. He won't allow the thought of him loving Kara more than Zak ever did cross his mind because the falseness of such an idea is blatant. They loved her in completely different ways.
They are not stopping, Kara was never a quiet girl, and Leoben doesn't seem to want to take him away. He closes his eyes and prays to the gods to take him somewhere else.
"You miss her more than you're even aware of," Leoben whispers. "You love her more than you think I can see."
Please gods, he begs. Anywhere else but here.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
When he opens his eyes he is suddenly there, on the day he'd been thinking about in his prayer. The one place he wanted to escape to in this land of Kara's memories. He can't help but think that the gods actually listen if you beg hard enough. Something he wasn't ashamed to do.
He's in his uniform with the Picon sun beaming onto his shoulders, and can't see Leoben out of the corners of his eyes. Can't feel that cold presence behind him. He takes a deep breath and almost feels it in his lungs. He swallows back a sensation he remembers feeling the second he laid eyes on her.
He's staring directly into the challenging eyes of his brother's girlfriend, and she's staring back. He looks over her shoulder to Zak who's smiling as if he's waited for this moment.
"Lee Adama," he says as if he's reciting lines from a script, offering his hand for her to shake.
"Kara Thrace," she says smiling, offering her hand in return.
Her smile in contagious and he finds himself doing the same before their hands even touch.
Once her hand clasps between his the sensation is so overwhelming he feels he might buckle from the pressure.
It's her, he realizes. It's her smile he's matching. It's the heat of her skin he feels pressed into his. It's her eyes he's staring into that go wide with recognition.
"Lee?" She nearly shouts, yanking him closer to her as if challenging him to a fight. "What the frak are you doing here?"
He starts to answer but is cut off by laughter. They both look over her shoulder at Zak who is no longer Zak.
Leoben is laughing to himself at the sight of the two of them.
"I see it," he says in between fits. "I see it. I couldn't before, but it all makes sense now."
Lee and Kara both scowl at him.
"Now we can talk," he says, his own eyes falling on their still entwined hands. "Now we can talk about a lot of things."