It had taken him almost a week, but James had finally tracked Lily down. She was living in the outskirts of Manchester, with his son. Surprisingly it had been Lily's mother that had given him the address.
So now he was standing outside, preparing himself to go in. He didn't even know what he wanted to say, he didn't know how he felt yet. He just knew he had to talk to Lily, and see the baby.
Taking a deep breath, James walked up the garden path and rang the doorbell.
"Come in Mum, it's open," Lily shouted from inside.
Unsure what to do, James opened the door and walked in. It was clear that a baby lived there, a pram was sitting against the wall at the door. James could even smell the baby powder.
"I told you, you didn't need to come this morning. I'm not even hiring someone today, I'm just talking to the agency," Lily shouted from James could now tell was the kitchen.
"Sorry, your mum gave me the address," James said awkwardly, entering the kitchen.
"James!" said Lily looking up at the door where James was standing.
"Hi… uh"
"Oh sorry," said Lily looking down and realising she was wearing only a skirt and a green bra.
"It's okay…" said James looking away.
"Uh what are you doing here?" said Lily pulling on her blouse and doing the buttons, "You could have just sent any official stuff to the lawyer"
"What do you mean official stuff?" said James.
"You filed for divorce right? You didn't need to come all this way, just send it to Clara," said Lily who had started to wipe down the already immaculate kitchen countertops.
"No, I haven't filed for divorce"
"Oh then… what?"
"Last week, at the hospital, the baby," said James wondering if he had imagined it all.
"Oh"
"Yeah, you didn't think I would just ignore the fact that I have a son"
"James, why are you doing this? Just go back to your life. You don't have to do this, it's alright"
"Alright. Lily, I have a son and you didn't tell me"
"You don't have to feel obligated to do anything."
"Obligated…" said James, hardly believing what he was hearing.
"I just mean, that you don't have to come here and pretend you want to be part of his life. Nobody in London knows about it, except Clara, go back to your life"
"He's my son as well"
"I made the decision and I'm sticking by it"
"What decision was that then?" said James angrily.
"Keep your voice down, my baby is asleep"
"Our baby, Lily our son," hissed James.
"What do you want me to say? We split up, I didn't see the point in putting either of us through that," said Lily trying to reason.
"Through what?"
"You being a part time parent, I know how much you wanted a family. And Harry having a part time dad, it isn't fair."
"You know how much I want a family, and yet you keep this from me"
"I'm sorry, I didn't want to trap you or force you into giving us another try"
"That is not an excuse," said James, "You should have told me"
"Maybe I should have, but I didn't and I can't change that now"
"Is that it?"
"Is that what?"
"Are you going to stop me seeing him? Am I going to have to go through the courts to get access? Or can we be amicable?'
"I'm not going to stop you doing anything, I wouldn't stop either of you seeing each other. I'm just giving you the chance to walk away, being a parent is hard especially when we're separated. I won't think any less of you if you did"
"You should know me well enough to know that I can't do that. I want to be part of his life"
"What about…."
"No, I want to be there for him"
"Alright," sighed Lily knowing it was useless to try and talk him out of it. "Why don't you come back this afternoon about 4pm, we can talk and Harry will be up then"
"Okay, four o'clock I'll be here," said James surprised by Lily's willingness.
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LATER THAT DAY"So is that everything?" asked Lily, she and James had been talking for almost an hour.
"Uh yeah, except maintenance," said James.
They had agreed that James could see Harry when he had time off from work, as long as he gave Lily at least 2 days notice. But for the first few weeks he had to stay at Lily's house until Harry was used to him.
"I don't want your money James"
"But…"
"If you want to help him, set up a trust for him when he leaves Hogwarts," said Lily knowing James well enough to know that he would want to help.
"But something now to…"
"He doesn't need it now, I'm vice president," said Lily, she worked for a research company that was trying to find cures for curses, potions and even werewolf bites.
"Lily please let me help"
"Fine, his vault is 317"
"Alright," said James.
"Well I suppose you want to see him now," said Lily getting up.
"If he's still asleep…" said James even though he was desperate to see him.
"It's fine, if I let him sleep much longer he won't sleep tonight, I'll go and get him," she said then she went upstairs.
"Here he is," said Lily coming back with Harry and putting him in James' arms.
He was so overwhelmed he didn't know what to say or do. He was so perfect, he looked just like him. His son, his and Lily's son, a child made purely out of love. Just the sight of his son made James feel a sudden surge of overwhelming love and the need to protect him from the world he was born into.
"He's…. he's pretty damn handsome," said James.
"Yeah and your not at all biased. It's not like you're his father or he looks exactly like you," laughed Lily.
"I don't know what you mean"
"You always were a vain git. Anyway I'll leave you two alone. I'll be in the kitchen making up his bottles," said Lily then she got up.
"Thanks for this," said James.
"It's not problem, like you said he's your son too," shrugged Lily, then she went into the kitchen.
---------------------------------------
Lily went into the kitchen and collapsed onto one of the chairs. She always knew it would be hard to see James again, but she never expected the heartache to come back so strongly. She never knew how much she missed him, how she ached for him.
Throughout her pregnancy, she was in pieces. She was heartbroken, emotional and pregnant. Every time something happened, she just fell apart and wanted James. Every time Harry kicked, every scan, every time she went shopping for baby stuff, she was always in tears because he should have been with her, but he wasn't.
At night she would wake up and just burst into tears, because he wasn't next to her. He wasn't there to give her a cuddle and tell her everything would be alright.
When they were married she never knew how much she relied on him. It was the little things she missed, like when she used to wake up in the middle of night she could just turn round and he'd be there. And when she got freaked out about the war, he was always there to reassure her.
But when Harry was at the hospital when the deatheaters attacked, she was terrified. When she was in that waiting room, she just wanted to run over and hug him, just to have his arms round her, telling her everything would be alright.
Maybe she was being selfish when she didn't tell James about Harry, she just couldn't stand the pain of seeing him and not having him anymore.