Disclaimer: The wonderful characters and the good ship Serenity all belong to Joss Whedon, or Mutant Enemy, or Fox, or whoever actually owns them, and that person or entity is definitely not me. Written for amusement purposes only. No copyright infringement intended or implied.
Rating: T, with rough language warning. May go up for later chapters.
Summary: Eight months after Miranda, the crew of Serenity still struggles to adapt to the "new normal." Constructing, and deconstructing, moments of her life, River attempts to assimilate her new and sometimes painful feelings for Jayne. - - Rayne, but will touch on other relationships. Post-BDM, of course.
Chapter 13: Of Rats and Whores
– Present Day –
"If you take this job, you're a fool, Malcolm Reynolds!" Inara proclaimed icily.
River sighed inwardly and put her chin in her hand. Inara had only been back on Serenity for a little over an hour and she and Mal were already bickering. Sometimes River wondered grumpily why they couldn't just have sex and be done with it. Their spiky, on-again, off-again romance was very tiring. It was obvious to everyone that they were madly in love – even they knew it. So what was the real problem? They didn't have to guess and wonder and chew their fingernails in frustration not knowing what the other one was thinking, what the other one wanted. That reminded River of her own woes, and her eyes were drawn to her particular source of pain and aggravation. She looked moodily at Jayne, who was flopped across from her on the couch in the sitting area by the infirmary, his eyes gleaming with amusement as he watched the altercation, appreciating the fact that Mal was on the receiving end of Inara's derisive tongue today, and not him.
He kissed me, he did, River tried to convince herself. When she'd awakened in the nursery yesterday morning the first thing she'd done was put astonished fingertips to her smiling lips, wondering if that gentle touch had been real, or if she had dreamt it. The first time she had seen him afterwards, yesterday at breakfast, he had ignored her as he normally did, although she had a sneaking suspicion that he was ignoring her a little harder than usual. When breakfast was over she'd tracked him through the ship, trying to corner him alone to say thank you for carrying her to the nursery (at least he couldn't deny that), but he'd remained elusive until it was time to dock at Persephone, and then there had been no time for conversation. He'd accompanied Mal to the big meeting with Badger, the two men had had dinner at a restaurant, and then Jayne had gone off somewhere by himself. River had cried herself to sleep trying to keep from imagining exactly where.
"You are turning my head with all your sugar talk, darlin'. And the job's already been taken," Mal drawled from his stance by the steps leading to the cargo bay. He'd been in a bad mood since Inara's shuttle had docked, the action having brought forth the uneasy recollection that she'd left the ship, her first absence since Miranda, for reasons she had not seen fit to share with him. River knew he was reluctant to ask Inara if she were seeing clients again. He also hated when Inara treated him like some green rube, too unsophisticated to comprehend the larger world and societal realities that she negotiated so effortlessly. He had his arms folded obstinately, and he and the rest of the crew watched in confusion as the Companion began drifting around the room, peering sarcastically under cushions and behind furniture. When she slipped behind the black leather chair to try and yank up that odd bronze wall sculpture, he couldn't stand it anymore.
"What in the name a hell are you doin'?" he inquired, obviously concluding she'd lost her mind. He looked at Zoë for confirmation of that, and she lifted her shoulders slightly in mystification, trying not to laugh.
"Looking for Saffron, of course," Inara informed him sweetly. "She always seems to be hiding in some little nook or cranny when you make decisions using such colossally poor judgment." Inara stopped, her point made. "Mal, you cannot become involved with that man."
Up until the time Inara wandered in, the crew meeting to discuss the work from Badger had been handled with rare efficiency. Mal had been giving Zoë, River and Jayne a general run-down of the job: nothing too radical, extremely well-paid, just a rich man looking to keep a little more of his riches from the Union of Allied Planets Tax Authority by transporting goods in a clandestine manner, when Inara, passing through from her peek at the napping Hob, caught the mention of a name and reacted to it with distinct disfavor.
"I believe her latest and greatest is Yolanda, and just what is your problem with Shu Ungwele, anyway? Badger says he runs some kinda hotel."
"Hotel Orrica is not some kind of hotel. It's the center of an empire such as you've never seen, Mal. Radovic Ungwele controls almost the entire planet of Sergey, do you understand? There are rumors that he runs the 'verse's largest illegal arms cartel – his legitimate business is mining and chemicals and he's pillaged and destroyed the natural resources of countless moons… the people of Sergey live in famine and misery in war zones fought over by marauding militias, while he and his cronies live in decadent luxury at the Orrica." Inara gave a choking laugh of disbelief when Mal didn't seem fazed by any of that.
"He is a monster," she clarified.
"A monster that's gonna pay us quite a bit to take a few boxes from one place t'other and put a finger in the eye of the Alliance T-men at the same time. I don't have a problem with that." Mal shrugged. "This is an in-and-out proposition, 'Nara. Shouldn't take more'n three days start to finish."
"You don't want to appear on his radar, Mal," Inara warned with a frustrated sigh.
"We ain't gonna be anywhere near his radar. If this Shu or Radovic or whatever is as powerful as you say, he's got little mice like us scurryin' all around the 'verse. Ain't no cause to think we'd be any more noticeable. We just do our part, and get our cut, and fly away clean." He paused. "'Sides, Tasha Kane's crew and the Waarf brothers and Monty are all goin', too." Mal's tone reminded River of a little boy being told he had to stay inside after supper when all his friends were going to the park.
"Oh, well, if Monty's going…." Inara repeated in exasperation. "If Monty jumped off a cliff, would you jump, too?" She raised a mocking eyebrow.
"All depends on what's at the bottom. In this case, it's a big pile a cashy money," Mal replied coolly.
Jayne snickered at that and River stared at him with sad and angry eyes. Logically, she knew that a few nice gestures, one tiny peck and a goodnight kiss did not constitute a relationship. Logically, she knew that he had every right to do whatever he pleased with whomever he pleased without reference to her or her feelings. But it was still incredibly hurtful. She had thought that something had been awakened between them. Something worth exploring, something real. His willingness to kiss her goodnight had been proof that he felt it, too, or so she had thought. Now she felt betrayed, and worse, like a fool, a gawpish teenaged girl with an overactive imagination and too much time on her hands. It's all your fault, Jayne Cobb, she thought in anguish. How can you just sit there laughing, you oversized, whore-mongering imbecile?
Jayne caught her glare and his smile died away. He stared back at her with a puzzled frown, indicating, 'What?' He shifted a little uncomfortably, and she could see the exact moment when he got annoyed with himself, remembering that he was supposed to be ignoring her. He looked down as if he suddenly found the godawful orange carpet utterly fascinating.
"Fine," Inara shook her head despairingly. "I did my best. But you should ask yourself, Mal, why a man that wealthy suddenly needs to hire a fleet of dubious little…subcontractors to move those paltry boxes. Keep in mind that his nickname isn't Shu for nothing." She marched up the steps and out into the cargo bay.
Mal stared after her retreating form. "Was she invited to this meeting?" He asked no one in particular. "Who invited her?"
He turned and looked at his crew, staring back at him with vacant expressions.
"Little witch?" he asked with careful indifference. "You got any particular feelin's about this job?"
"No, Cap'n," River shook her head. "But Inara is very upset." She couldn't stop looking at Jayne.
"Yeah, I got that," Mal pinched the bridge of his nose.
Jayne, you traitor. Your nickname should be Shu. For the first time in long time, River thought about Ariel. He had tried to sell her for money! Money to spend on whores!
"Zoë, will you do some research on the cortex and find out a little bit more about our overly generous friend Shu?"
"Right after I feed the baby, sir." She stood up, and headed for the nursery.
Mal paused, shaking his head a little as if to clear it. "Still gettin' used to that. And River, as you as soon you get any inklings, you tell me, dong le ma?" Mal ordered her.
"Haio ba, Cap'n." River's misery was like a stone in the shoe of her soul.
"We done here, Mal?" Jayne asked, this time meeting her hot gaze with a bold, unrepentant one of his own, and at Mal's weary nod, he cleared off.
&&&&&&&&
Chinese:
Shu – Rat
dong le ma – understood?
haio ba - okay
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"Inara?" River poked her head around the heavy silken draperies at the entrance of Inara's shuttle.
"Come in, mei mei," Inara called, sitting inside at her console. She blinked off the screen and turned to give River a warm smile of welcome.
River came into the room slowly, running her hand down the swathes of rich cloth, always loving the rich fabrics and sweet scents and warm and inviting atmosphere she found there. Inara really did make this seem like a little home…River always thought of genies living inside their ornate bottles. Or trapped inside, she thought.
"How have things been here since I've been gone?" Inara asked, going over to the bed and patting the space next to her, inviting River to sit.
"Hob has colic." River sat down and folded one leg underneath her skirt. She looked down at the bottom of her foot and noticed it was a little dirty, so she put it down again quickly.
"That I've heard about already." The Companion's musical voice was amused. "Tell me something I don't know."
Jayne kissed me. The words hovered seductively on River's lips. She fought down the urge to confess to Inara, the one most likely to empathize, with valiant resolve. On the mouth. Stop it! She admonished herself sternly. That's not why you're here.
"Inara," River began tentatively, "Why don't you tell him?"
Inara stiffened. "Tell him what?" She knew she didn't need to say to whom. "There are so many things to tell him."
"About the Guild." River looked at Inara's rigidly held profile.
Inara glanced at River from the corner of her eyes and tried to smile. "It is very uncomfortable, realizing that I have no secrets from you, River." She was silent for a moment, and then she gave a tired sigh. "They refused my request for a continuance. My sabbatical will come to an end in three months, and after that, I'll have to return to the Mother House as an instructor, or begin contracting clients again."
"And if you don't?"
Inara's mouth lifted with a sour little moue. "Foremost, I won't be able to afford the fees for my Companion's license. If I go over a year without renewing my license, the Guild will revoke my status, my House will no longer recognize me, and the other Companions will abide by that ruling. The Guild will be closed to me permanently. If I – if I decided to accept clients any time after that, I'd be nothing more than a – a –"
"Whore," River said the word Inara did not want to speak. "Like Nandi."
"Yes," Inara concurred softly, the thought of Nandi reviving an old pain. "Like Nandi."
"He thinks that you left Serenity to see clients, but didn't want to tell him."
"Does he?" Inara gave an odd smile. "I can't imagine why. I would certainly have been forthright with him if he had broached the question. It's nothing I would have been ashamed of."
"But you don't want to. See clients, I mean," River said quietly.
"No, I don't." Inara looked at her with amused uneasiness. "Not at this time."
River fiddled with the pleats on her skirt, unwillingly experiencing Inara's emotional retread of the Nandi incident at the Heart of Gold. She often wondered exactly what they had done to her at the Academy that allowed her to read other people like this. They had stripped the barriers of her amygdala, but that only prevented her from being unable to suppress her own emotions. Simon had also discovered that they had also supremely magnified her ability to produce almost constant, extremely powerful theta wave rhythms, known to be involved in processing sensory stimuli and accessing short term and episodic memory. Perhaps that was why she was she could feel every sensation that Inara had experienced then and was reliving now.
Inara's pain over Mal's behavior so closely matched her own current feelings about Jayne that she had to know more.
"Is it because of Nandi?" she asked in a small voice.
Inara gave an unsteady sigh. "I suppose there's absolutely no sense in denying it, is there? Yes…"
"Because it changed the way you felt about being a Companion?"
"It was more complicated than that, River, but again, yes. I had always been able to keep physical pleasure and comfort separate from emotion…by training, by experience, even by personal inclination. I truly believed in the benefits of Companionship, giving one's body to another as a vessel for enjoyment, and healing, with no deeper sentiment to twist or damage the purity of that process. When I found out that Mal, and Nandi…" Inara paused, smoothing down the silky material of her dress. "Even though I said all the right things, pretended to be glad that they'd shared each other's bodies…in that first moment of realization, I hated her. I hated them both. And it shocked me. It gave the lie to so much of what I'd told myself about being a Companion. For the very first time, I wondered if someone else had ever stood like that as I walked away from their man or woman, hating me, hating us both." She fell silent.
"So do you think being a Companion is …wrong?"
Inara looked startled. "Oh…no. I don't at all. Companionship is an important and civilizing element of our society. It's not all about the physical. Quite frequently, my duties involved no sexual intimacies at all. And I do think it is possible to take and give bodily comfort without emotional involvement, and there will always be a need for such outlets. It was my own commitment to this ideal that had altered."
"How could Mal do that with her, when he feels the way he does about you?" River frowned. This was the essence of what she wanted to know.
A funny look of pain mixed with amusement crossed Inara's face.
"Very easily, mei mei. Nandi was a beautiful, generous woman, and she wanted him. He's – he's highly attractive to women, you know."
River looked extremely skeptical. Inara laughed at that and took River's hand.
"Trust me. Also, he wasn't sure at that time that I returned his feelings. I had done a very good job of pushing him away," Inara said ruefully.
"You still do," River said honestly, but her mind was on Jayne. Should she just come out and tell him how she felt? What if laughed at her? What if he didn't? Fear and excitement bubbled through her.
Inara sighed once again. "It's because I'm afraid. To commit to Mal would mean giving up a large part of Inara Serra. Am I ready for that? Is staying with Mal and Serenity going to be worth that sacrifice? I wish there was a way..." She looked around the shuttle, as if it could give her some answers, blinking back sudden tears.
River could feel her pain and confusion. She had more sympathy for Inara and Mal, now. Relationships were scary.
Inara turned back to her with a calm smile, and River could feel her Companion training rising to the surface.
"How silly we are to have strayed upon such a depressing subject, my dear!" she said with determined gaiety. "Will you have some tea? I brought back some sweetmeats and a tin of those chocolate biscuits everyone enjoys so much." She moved gracefully over to a small lacquered cabinet where a tea service was already laid out. She added an extra cup and poured hot water from a steaming kettle into the pot.
"No, thank you, Inara," River refused politely.
"I insist." Inara was unwavering in her desire to lighten the atmosphere. "Please come and sit with me and enjoy some refreshments. I suppose we should enjoy all we can, before we reach Sergey and the crew embarks on this newest idiocy. Why anyone would willingly work for Shu Ungwele, I cannot understand." Inara added a small dish of treats and carried the tray over to the low table before the sofa.
"I know why." River slid off the bed and followed her.
"I imagine because it's extremely well paid." Inara said tartly, pouring the tea. "That in and of itself should be a red flag." She used a small pair of tongs to lift a few cookies to a plate and offered them to River.
"I have calculated that the payout for this job will keep Serenity stocked and fueled for a least six months, Inara. In the meantime we can accept those moon runs, delivering milk and eggs and cough syrup, all those legitimate jobs that are safe but barely pay our expenses. Jobs that carry little risk and little reward, but jobs that have very little chance of endangering Hob." River murmured her thanks as she accepted the plate.
"I see," Inara said slowly. "I understand, now." Her eyes softened.
River felt something flare up in Inara. Something warm …her love for Mal, her pride in him…and also her guilt at how she'd harangued him in front of the crew.
Reluctantly, River remembered Jayne, wrapping her injured hand in his t-shirt, carving the little animals, Jayne and the baby…putting her to bed so carefully, the dove-like brush of his lips against hers…that look of confusion on his face when she had stared at him so hatefully.
She sighed. Men. Just when you thought you couldn't possibly detest them any further, you were reminded of how wonderful they could be. Rats.
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A/N: Hoped you liked – setting up for "ominous," Gunner! LOL Thanks for reading and for the nice reviews! Gem