Hey, kids. I bring you Part 3 for your reading pleasure. I would say sorry it took so long, but I'm not, really: I was working on a) schoolwork and b) another story I promised myself I wouldn't post until I finished the other two. Thanks to Ne-chan1 and Vandevere, my kind reviewers. A large hello also to Sporky. Yes, I DO still exist! Shocking!

insert disclaimer here You've all been reading fanfiction long enough to know who owns this stuff, and it ain't me.

Part 3 – Court-Martialled

"Yes, er, the charges, General. The charges: that the defendant, Major Franklin Marion Burns of the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital, did on or about the 23rd of September 1951, desert his unit, behave insubordinately toward his superior officers and conduct himself in a manner unbecoming of an officer."

The day had come. Three weeks after receiving Louise's letter, the call had come through, advising Colonel Blake of my impending court-martial. When the MPs came for me I saw, through the corner of my eye, Pierce and McIntyre jumping for joy. A sinking feeling had nestled in the pit of my stomach. I would have cried if Margaret hadn't once told me it wasn't manly to cry. I might have lost my wife, my love, my friends (what friends?) and any respect I might have ever had from these people, but I still had my pride.

My fingers twitched uncomfortably in my lap. On my side, the defence, consisting of me and my lawyer, Lieutenant Colonel Harrison. I could never feel entirely safe in the hands of a lawyer who didn't outrank me. On their side, the prosecution. Major Reid, their lawyer. Everyone from the 4077th was sitting on that side.

The court-martial was to be held in the mess tent: the unit couldn't spare everyone needed to give evidence all at once. They'd shoved me in the VIP tent, where all day I heard the whispers. "Frank's going!" "I hope Major Burns gets what he deserves." All around me were constant reminders of my impending fate.

It was one of those times in my life I'd felt completely alone. No Margaret. No Louise. No nobody. It was too late now to change anything, to bring someone to my side of the 'courtroom.'

"We now call upon the defendant, Major Frank Burns."

I slowly made my way up to the witness stand.

"Do you swear to speak the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God?"

"Absotively."

"…A simple 'I do' would suffice, Major."

"Oh, all right, General…"

"Please tell the court, in your own words, the events of the days surrounding 23rd September 1951."

I'd like to say that it all came suddenly flooding back, that in an instant I could remember every little detail the court would ever want to know. I'd like to say that. I wish I could. But I can't, and I'm under oath.

Truth be told, I don't remember a damn thing.

I kept staring uncomfortably at my shoes, wishing I hadn't chosen a pair of socks that were so itchy.

"Major Burns?"

I looked up for a millisecond, enough to see Pierce and McIntyre whispering. About you, Frank.

"Oh, er…yes, General. Erm…well, it really began with…, um…"

"Major, are you able to tell the court what transpired?"

"Well, General, I… really don't remember."

A snigger, followed by a loud hoot. I rolled my eyes. It could only be Hawkeye –

"Order! Captain, restrain yourself. Are you sure you have nothing to say, Major?"

Dammit. Here was my big chance, and I was squandering it. Wasted. Hello, Leavenworth.

"I'm… sorry, General. I simply don't remember."

At this point some enlisted creeps looked at each other warily and McIntyre whispered some inanity into Pierce's ear, who immediately pinched his nose to keep from laughing. Cretins.

"Well, Major, if you are unable to offer anything in your defence, I must instead call up the first witness of the prosecution, a…" He rustled the sheets of paper in front of him. "… a Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce. Captain, if you could…"

I was led down to the seat reserved for the defendant. Pierce flashed me an obnoxious grin as he walked past, as if he knew I was already toast.

"Captain, do you swear to speak the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God?"

"I do."

"Please tell the court what transpired on or around September 23rd, 1951."

"Thank you, General. To start off with, it comes as no surprise to me that Major Burns is unable to remember anything of his escapades, or at least those which we are here to discuss. The Major's memory has been questionable at the best of times.

"He and I are usually unable to uphold anything more than a professional, working relationship, even through the Major's distinct lack of professionalism."

Liar! "That's a lie, and you know it!"

"Order! Major Burns, you have had and squandered your chance. Please continue, Captain."

"He's right. Our relationship extends to us wishing to kill each other. Now, as I was saying…"

Captain Pierce went forth to describe what had happened. Quite untruthfully, I might add: some parts were obviously made up. How would he know what happened in that foxhole? He was too drunk in the Officer's Club to notice anything. Then again, it wasn't as if I had a better version…

McIntyre seemed ever happier as time wore on and Pierce continued. Only he knew what stories Pierce was going to come up with.

I gave up listening. Pierce, then McIntyre, then Blake all stepped up and told essentially the same story. They were going to convict me. I'd be sent home, only to face breaking gravel at Leavenworth for the next three eternities. I'd never see my children. Louise would spirit them away to Alaska with Patrick. That's the sort of idea Patrick would put into her head.

I scrunched my eyes. Not that I was crying, mind you. I wasn't crying because I felt sorry for myself, because I don't. I wouldn't cry. Margaret said it wasn't manly to cry. That's right. Margaret said -

"Frank Burns is a good-for-nothing, lowlife degenerate who has no positive attributes whatsoever!"

What?!

"Major, isn't that a bit strong? After all, were you not once in a relationship with the defendant?"

"Colonel Harrison, after the childish and immature way he has behaved recently, those words are not nearly strong enough!"

Margaret's eyes were blazing, and continued to blaze as she described every mean, petty thing I'd done to her. Everything. McIntyre was revelling in every word. Pierce, however, seemed uncharacteristically pensive. I could only hope he would eventually say something in my defence. I would be wrong, of course. It was foolish of me to entertain such a thought. Don't forget, Frank, Pierce hates your guts.

"Major, are you sure your previous relationship with the defendant has not, er, tainted your testimony?"

"Tainted?! I did not achieve the rank of Major by letting my personal life become intertwined with my nursing duties!"

"No, no, you got there by ignoring your nursing duties and getting too intertwined with Generals!"

The words were out before I could stop myself.

Dammit, Frank, that's just what Pierce would say! Why didn't you let him say it?

Margaret had gone a very unattractive shade of purple. She was shaking with fury. At me! Now I know how those cretins felt once they got on the wrong side of Major Margaret Houlihan.

"General, surely you will not allow this callous slander on my good name!"

"Or your bad name, whichever suits."

"Order! Major Burns! You will restrain yourself while in this courtroom."

McIntyre looked about to wet himself with excitement. Pierce was wearing an uncharacteristically pensive look I couldn't quite place. Blake, the fool, appeared as if he was attempting to stifle a belly laugh.

Remind me in the future: beetroot really doesn't suit Margaret.

"No further questions."

"Thankyou, Colonel Harrison. This court will adjourn while the judges consider their verdict."

And the gavel came down.