Ch. 2

Bittersweet Nightmare

The blond was stirring restlessly, tossing and turning, his breathing unusually harsh and ragged. Kurogane stepped forward, his hand extended uncertainly. What was going on? Was Fai having a nightmare? He noticed with discomfort the amount of concern that had arisen within him at that thought. Then he shook himself again. This wasn't the time for egocentric thoughts; Fai was in pain.

He crept forward, his heart in his throat. What if Fai was only messing with him right now in order to trick him into showing concern? Then again, what if something was really wrong? If something bad happened to Fai that he could have prevented but, for his own selfish reasons, hadn't, Kurogane wouldn't be able to live with himself. Deciding to put his already injured pride on the line for the magician's wellbeing, Kurogane closed the remaining space between the two of them, seating himself on the edge of the bed so that he could examine Fai more closely.

Kurogane reached out and cautiously touched a lock of Fai's golden hair. To his dismay, he found it damp with sweat. Fai was a good actor but this was a little too convincing, even for him. He could tell that Fai's suffering was genuine. Kurogane jumped when Fai grabbed his hand. The ninja was frozen with indecision, simply allowing Fai to hold it as tightly as he needed to. Kurogane was soon grinding his teeth against the pain caused by the wizard's grip; apparently the scrawny guy was stronger than he looked. It didn't seem like Fai was going to snap out of this any time soon. Kurogane decided it was best to wake him.

"Hey!" he hissed, patting Fai's hand sharply. "Hey, wake up!"

There was no change in behavior. Kurogane might as well have done nothing. Doing his best to bite back his worry, the ninja grabbed his shoulders and shook him insistently. "Hey! Wake up!"

Fai's eyes snapped open, wide and round with fear as he stared up at Kurogane who was now holding his hand again.

"You ok?" Kurogane asked, trying to keep the urgency out of his voice. "You were having a bad dream or something…"

Fai continued to stare with frightened blue eyes at his savior for just a few seconds before a smile spread quickly across his face and he laughed, though the strain it was obviously costing him to do so made the ninja sick to his stomach.

"Hee hee! Look at Big Doggy, all worried about me! How cute!"

Kurogane's face contorted into a snarl. "Don't try to change the subject, you bastard! I know that was for real just now!"

"He's even holding my hand! Awww!" Fai giggled, squeezing the ninja's hand affectionately. "Did you come to snuggle with me, Kuropun? I knew you would!"

Kurogane shoved Fai away forcefully and got to his feet.

"Fine! If you want to be a dumbass, that's your own damn business! It's not like I care!"

With that, the swordsman left the room, slamming the door angrily behind him. Kurogane stood fuming outside Fai's bedroom, gritting his teeth as he tried to fight off the urge to go back in there and punch the guy right in his stupid face. He had seen Fai's suffering with his own two eyes! Why was that stupid jerk trying to deny that it was anything of consequence?! After all they had been through, this was all the trust Fai put in him?! The ninja trusted him, so why--! Why…! …Why…?

Kurogane heaved a sigh, putting his face in his hands in frustration as he slid down the wall to sit on the floor. In spite of the… (What was this feeling? he wondered. Surely it wasn't hurt; that wouldn't make any sense at all. Why would he be hurt just because that dumb bastard didn't trust him? It must be bitterness, he decided) bitterness that Fai had caused him by refusing to confide in him, Kurogane couldn't make himself go lie back down on the couch and just forget about it.

He clutched at his hair, feeling just as annoyed with himself as he was with Fai. His eyes widened in disbelief as he realized that the reason he didn't want to go back to the couch was because he didn't want to discourage the blond from seeking his comfort if he found himself in desperate enough need of it. Grudgingly, Kurogane retrieved his blanket from the couch, wrapped it loosely around his shoulders, folded his arms and settled down in the corner, right outside of Fai's room. He didn't care if his back was sore in the morning from sleeping sitting up against the wall; he knew what it was like to have to endure deep anguish alone because of being too afraid or embarrassed to seek comfort from someone else. As annoyed as he was with Fai right now, he found that he could never wish such pain on him.

When Kurogane slammed that door, Fai felt as though his heart had been in its way and had broken on impact. He hugged himself, bracing himself for the huge tidal wave of self-loathing that was seconds away from crashing over him. The betrayal in Kurogane's voice when Fai had refused to confide in him had been heartbreaking. He did so long to tell the ninja everything, to have the ninja hold him close in his comforting embrace and to whisper soothing words to him.

Fai scolded himself for wanting those things; it was just so disgustingly selfish of him to put his own stupid desires before Kurogane's life. And yet… he couldn't make himself stop wanting these things. He had fantasized about having someone to love him since before he could even remember, but in his homeworld he had been imprisoned and so had no one specific to occupy his dreams. Despite his efforts to keep everyone at an arm's length when he started this journey, Kurogane, and everyone else in their group, really, had slipped pass his defenses. Now that he had someone specific to dream of, resisting the idea of allowing himself a relationship with Kurogane was even harder than ever before.

Maybe, just this once, I could let myself... No! I can't! One time is all it takes before things can get completely out of hand! …Just once… I just want to know what it's like… Am I stupid?! I know I can't! I can't ever… But I need him...

Kurogane's eyes snapped open when he heard the soft creak of the door as it was opened. His heart skipped a beat; it was Fai. He quickly shut his eyes again, not wanting to scare the magician away, instead watching his aura. Fai paused, wavering uncertainly between his bedroom and the hallway. He hadn't even noticed Kurogane sitting there yet. Kurogane shifted very slightly, just so that he could get Fai's attention. It worked; seeing the ninja sitting there startled him so badly that he darted back into his room, trying to dodge out of his line of sight.

When Kurogane didn't say anything or make any further moves, Fai poked his head out again nervously. He studied him from where he stood, then knelt beside him to get a closer look, to check that he was really sleeping. Kurogane wasn't sure if Fai could tell that he was actually awake or if he had the wizard fooled. Whatever Fai decided, he moved from his kneeling position to sit at his side. Kurogane held perfectly still, hardly even daring to breathe.

After another long, cautious pause, the blond leaned hesitantly toward him and allowed himself to rest his head lightly on Kurogane's shoulder. He slowly eased his arm around Fai's waist. This small amount of reassurance was enough to persuade the mage to return the embrace. Throwing all caution to the wind, Kurogane pulled Fai into his lap and held him close, stroking his hair reassuringly. He noted that although Fai was trembling uncontrollably, he still managed to keep even a single tear from falling. It was just as he thought; Fai was much stronger than he seemed at first glance.

It took quite a while, but eventually Fai's trembling slowed and he slipped into an uneasy sleep. Kurogane didn't relinquish his hold on the wizard's slender frame; even though Fai was asleep, he continued to clutch his companion's shirt tightly in his fists and his face still showed considerable strain. He absentmindedly smoothed a few strands of hair away from the magician's eyes and pulled open a corner of his blanket to share it with him. Kurogane was almost asleep, his cheek resting on Fai's head when a timid voice reached his ears.

"I'm…I'm sorry, Kurosama…that I can't tell you…" Fai muttered, his voice muffled because his face was buried in the ninja's shirt.

When Kurogane pushed against him slightly, his head snapped up, his eyes showing his terror that he had touched a nerve with that statement and was going to be shoved aside for it. His eyes widened in surprise when the lips he had expected to growl and hurl insults at him instead pressed gently against his, the hand he had expected to hurt him instead lovingly caressed his cheek.

"It's fine," Kurogane whispered reassuringly. "I don't need to know if you don't want to tell me."

Then he hugged Fai close again, his warmth washing over the blond like a hot bath, his fingers playing through his hair. "Now go back to sleep, you idiot."

Fai obediently closed his eyes, wondering that if seeking the swordsman's comfort had been the wrong thing to do how it could possibly feel so right.