A/N: Well, here it is... I'm not sure how it turned out, though. I'm not sure about anything anymore T-T

Chapter 5

Ask a Ninja (and a Magician)

"Good afternoon, everyone and thank you for listening to Teen Talk radio where we discuss issues that all you high school and middle school students have to deal with every day," the pre-recorded woman's voice announced. "Today we have two special guests with us to help answer questions that listeners all over the country have written to us. Here we have Fai san, from Celes—"

"Hello! It's nice to meet all of you!" Fai chimed in.

"And our other guest is Kurogane san, from Japan."

"…This is stupid," Kurogane grumbled sullenly.

"Aww, come on, Daddy! Don't be like that!" Fai scolded, poking the ninja's shoulder playfully. "You have to be a good doggy while we're doing the radio show! Mommy will buy you a treat later if you're good!"

"CUT IT OUT WITH THE STUPID NAMES!!" Kurogane snapped. "IT'S KUROGANE!! AND QUIT TALKING TO ME LIKE I'M A FREAKING TWO-YEAR-OLD!!"

The pre-recorded introduction continued over the top of their ensuing bickering. "These two have traveled all over the place and met kids from many different countries so they're very familiar with the problems that teens are facing every day."

Kurogane snorted doubtfully. It was true that they had met kids from many different countries but somehow he got the feeling that the problems those kids faced weren't exactly the norm. He silently wondered just how many other kids out there had to travel between dimensions in order to get their true love's memories back or risk them being stolen and misused by insane doctors, one-eyed demon wanna-bes, fluffy little bunny things or floating castles. Kurogane wasn't sure, but he was willing to bet that the number was pretty small.

"Listen closely now, girls," the recording continued. "This is your chance to get advice from some hot foreign guys without having to worry about getting all tongue-tied! And they're both single, too!"

"Yes, Kuropin is very good looking!" Fai agreed happily, hugging Kurogane's arm. "He's so manly!"

"SHUT UP!! GET OFF OF ME, YOU—" beeeep.

Kurogane started and looked around. "What the—" beeeep "was that sound?!"

"Oh, it was this," Fai grinned and pointed to a small white button on the counter in front of him. "Station Manager san said that since kids listen to this show, Kurowanwan can't use any bad words. So I'm censoring you!"

Kurogane glared furiously at him before turning away and folding his arms in disgust.

"Now, Kurogane san," the recording interrupted, "it says here that you're a ninja. Is that true?"

"Hmph," Kurogane grunted impatiently. If he had said that he was a ninja, then of course he was a ninja! What sort of dumb ass made up that kind of thing?

"Can you tell us a little bit about that?"

"I guard my country's princess and her castle. If anyone tries to break in and cause trouble, I kill 'em. What part of that needs explaining?"

"That sounds fabulous!" the recording gushed. "And Fai san, I was told that you're an imperial wizard. Tell us about what kinds of things you do in your job."

"Hmm… well, I guess I make medicine and potions and do spells for the king," he replied cheerfully.

"Amazing! It sounds like a really cool job! What kind of pay and benefits do you get with a job like that?"

Fai laughed. "Actually, the pay is pretty lousy. The king is a bit tight with his money, I'm sorry to say. We really don't get benefits either. I mean, what does a wizard need a health or dental plan for? If anything happens to us, we can just cure ourselves with our magic. Really, the only benefit is getting to live in the castle…"

"Yeah, you were getting a pretty raw deal, weren't you?" Kurogane muttered. "All those servants, free food and high-class living quarters… I can see why you left."

"I'm sorry; did you say something, Kurorin?" Fai asked sweetly. "You'll have to talk louder next time. I seem to be losing my hearing."

"Awesome!" the recording interrupted again. "Ok, now that we know a little bit about our hosts, why don't we get to the listener letters?"

"Right!" Fai said, grabbing a letter from the top of a pile that sat in front of him and flipping it open with a flourish. "Our first letter for today comes from Touya kun, age sixteen. Dear Kurogane san and Fai san…"

"Hold on a minute!" Kurogane demanded. "Just how in the—" beeeep "are you reading that letter?! You don't know this country's language!"

"I had Mokona go through the pile last night and choose a few to translate for me," the blond answered carelessly. "Now please don't interrupt again, Kuromyuu. I'm trying to read."

"YOU'RE THE LAST PERSON I WANNA HEAR THAT FROM, YOU—" beeeep.

"Dear Kurogane san and Fai san," Fai read loudly over the top of Kurogane's angry outburst. "Every time I go out somewhere with my friends, I'm always the one who ends up paying for stuff. I know that I'm the only one of us who has a job but I'm sick of my friends mooching off of me! What should I do?"

"I got some news for you, kid," Kurogane said solemnly. "If they keep asking you to go places with them and making you pay, then they're probably just using you."

"Kurowanta! Don't say things like that!" Fai gasped melodramatically.

"What? You think I should sugar-coat things for him just because he's a kid?" the ninja growled. "Sugar-coating a problem never helped anyone. Take my advice, kid, and ditch those losers."

"Don't listen to Kurochii," Fai said easily. "He's just being a Negative Nataku."

"What the—" beeeep "are you talking about?!" Kurogane snapped. "And enough with the—" beeeep "censoring thing already!!"

"You shouldn't ditch your friends just because they're lazy freeloaders!" Fai continued.

"You're only saying that because that's what you are," Kurogane mumbled.

"Instead of going places all the time, why don't you try doing some things that don't cost money like watching a movie at someone's house or going to a park. There are plenty of fun things to do that are free so you should do those things more often." Fai moved on to the next letter. "The next letter is from Watanuki kun, age fifteen. Dear Kurogane san and Fai san, There's this girl at my school, Himawari chan, that I really like and I think she might like me back. The problem is that there's this other guy, Doumeki, who keeps butting in on our time together! To make things worse, Himawari chan really seems to like him, too! This guy is the biggest jerk ever and just looking at his stupid face makes me so mad! He's always telling me to shut up and calling me 'oi' instead of my name and forcing me to make lunch for him! And every time I try to be nice to him, he just…AAARGH!! He's such a smug idiot! I think I could get over it eventually if Himawari chan said that she wasn't interested in me but not if she chose him over me! What should I do?"

Fai grinned over at Kurogane. "Go on, Love Doctor Kurokuro. What do advice do you have for Watanuki kun?"

"…Just leave me out of this," Kurogane muttered, folding his arms and turning away stubbornly.

"Wai! Kuropopo is too embarrassed to give love counseling!" the magician squealed gleefully. "How cute! Well, I guess it's up to me then, huh? Hmmm…say, Watanuki kun? I know you probably like Himawari chan a lot but… how long has it been since you gave your feelings for Doumeki kun some serious thought? Based on what you said in your letter, it sounds like the real problem might be that you're frustrated that Doumeki kun isn't treating you the way you want him to. Before you decide to pursue Himawari chan with everything you've got, maybe you should rethink your possible relationship with Doumeki kun."

Fai glanced over at Kurogane, who was still refusing to look at him, and noticed joyfully that his ears were all red. "Tee hee! I think it's time for the next letter. All this talk about romance is making Kuropippi all blushy!"

"IT IS NOT!!" Kurogane roared, pounding the counter in front of him with his fist.

"This one is from Syaoran kun, age fourteen. Hey, I wonder if this is our Syaoran kun…Dear Kurogane san and Fai san, I think I'm going crazy. I keep having these weird dreams that there are two of me and that one of us is evil. This wouldn't bother me so much if it weren't for the occasional blackouts. There are some times when my mind goes blank for a little while and when I come to, I can't remember what I was doing before that or how I got there. Other times, my body seems to move on its own as if someone else is controlling it and my friends tell me that I say scary things to them but I don't remember it happening at all. Please help me!"

"That's easy," Kurogane said, a sinister grin spreading across his face. "If you've got an evil twin lurking around somewhere, the only smart thing to do would be to kill it."

"Ah ha ha ha! You're so blunt, Kurowanko!" Fai laughed.

"I'm serious!" the warrior snarled. "You can't just let it run amok! Obviously it's trying to screw up your life so you should just get rid of it before it does that!"

"Next time you see it in your dream, Syaoran kun, why don't you try asking it some questions?" the magician suggested. "Ask it what it wants and why it's doing these things to you. Maybe your evil twin isn't really evil. Maybe it just wants to be your friend."

"Tch. What kind of crap are you telling the kid?" Kurogane sneered. "Ask it questions? Like that'll work."

"You never know, Kuropii. You never know," Fai replied calmly. "Ok, next letter… this one is from Kero chan, but…how strange, there's no age written here…"

"Just read the stupid letter," the swordsman growled.

"Dear Kurogane san and Fai san, I've got a serious problem. I'm a totally awesome magical creature who was created by a super-powerful magician and sealed away in a book for a really long time to watch over these things called Clow cards. The problem is that since the girl who now has the Clow cards doesn't have enough power yet, I'm stuck in this really lame stuffed animal body. Now nobody takes me seriously. I keep telling them that my true form is really cool but they don't believe me. I'm really tired of everyone treating me like a joke. How can I deal with this until I am able to go back to my true form?"

There was a brief silence as Kurogane and Fai stared at each other. Kurogane was the first to finally speak.

"What the—" beeeep.

"Hmm, this is a tough one!" Fai agreed. "But Kurosama knows all about not being taken seriously, so you ought to be able to—"

"THE ONLY ONE WHO DOESN'T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY IS YOU, YOU—" beeeep.

"I know you're not going to like this answer, Kero chan," Fai shouted over Kurogane's raging, "but I think maybe the only thing you can do for now is just be patient. Every time someone doesn't take you seriously, just think about how silly their faces will look when you prove them wrong. I'm sure the girl will get enough power soon and then you can show them all."

"What kind of lame—" beeeep "advice is that?" Kurogane snorted.

"Do you have a better idea, Kuropyon?" Fai asked sweetly.

"…Uh…"

"I didn't think so. If that's the case, then shhhh," the mage giggled, putting a finger to Kurogane's lips, making the ninja's face go red. "Our next letter comes from Tsubasa-Faye chan, age fourteen. Ooh, and it's especially for you, Kuromuu! Dear Kurogane san, What is the best way to get Fai to be quiet?"

As soon as he had finished reading the question, Fai burst out laughing. "Go on, Kuromin; I'm interested to see what kind of answer you come up with!"

"Tch. You're asking the wrong person, kid," Kurogane sighed, sounding defeated. "I've tried just about everything but this—" beeeep "just never shuts up. But hey, if you figure it out, you let me know."

"Oh, Kurochan! I'm disappointed in you!" Fai scolded. "You give up so quickly! But we can't turn Tsubasa-Faye chan away with no answer, so I will divulge the secret method to her…"

The wizard paused dramatically, then glanced coyly over at Kurogane who was leaning forward in his seat in anticipation of the answer. When he noticed Fai watching him, he cleared his throat and busied himself with opening the bottle of water that the radio station had provided each of them with. "It's quite easy, really. All Kuropiko would have to do to get me to be quiet is give me a nice big kiss riiiiight on my lips!"

Kurogane, who had just taken a mouthful of water, promptly choked on it. As soon as his coughing fit had passed, he gritted his teeth angrily, his face glowing like an ember. "What the—" beeeep "are you trying to do, you—" beeeep. "Give me a heart attack?!"

"I was being serious, Kuroru," Fai said brightly. "Just give it a try next time you want me to be quiet! I promise it'll work!"

"In your dreams—" beeeep.

"Really, Kuronro, you should watch your mouth. My finger is getting tired from pushing this censor button over and over."

"Then don't do it!"

"Our next letter…comes from an anonymous source," Fai said, grinning mysteriously. "And what do you know, it's for Kuropu again!" Kurogane looked suspicious but said nothing. "Dear Big Doggy, if we were in a desert and I was dying of thirst and you just happened to be lactating, would you give me a drink?"

Kurogane stared at Fai with a mixture of disgust and disbelief. The blond just smiled patiently, waiting for his answer. "Well, Kurochin?"

"You…you…" Kurogane sputtered indignantly, jumping to his feet and pointing an accusing finger at Fai. "YOU MADE THAT UP YOURSELF, YOU—" beeeep beeeep. "THAT…THAT'S DISGUSTING!!"

"Ok, I'll take that as a yes, then," he chirped.

"THAT WASN'T A YES!!"

"The next one is from Moko chan…"

"It'd better not be that—" beeeep "manjuu," Kurogane growled warningly.

"And it's for you again, Kurotan! I'm starting to feel a bit left out… Anyway, Dear Kurogane, why doesn't Kurogane carry around any cool ninja stuff, like nunchucks or throwing stars?"

"…This is supposed to be for people who want advice, not for asking me random, stupid questions. Anyway, that stuff is for wimps. A real ninja only needs one weapon and that's a sword," Kurogane answered shortly. "Next letter. And if it's another stupid one, I'm leaving."

"The next letter is from Mesame chan, and it's for Kuropon again," Fai read.

"Great. Just get it over with," Kurogane sighed, foolishly taking another drink of water.

"Dear Kurogane san, before Fai san, were you a virgin?"

Kurogane simultaneously spat out his water and got a nosebleed.

Fai burst out laughing again. "Tee hee! What are you going to tell her, Kurowankoro?"

"N-n-nothing!!" he shouted, getting abruptly to his feet. "S-screw this! I'm out of here!!"

With that, Kurogane stomped out of the room, slamming the door behind him as loudly as he could.

"Wait!" Fai called. "Kuromyuu! What's the answer?! Kuromyuu!"