CHAPTER FIVE

House stood on the balcony outside of his office and stared out at the trees and grass covered with a dusting of snow. It was always quieter when it snowed. He loved it when it was quiet. He could drown himself in his thoughts, but then again, he'd always found a way to do that regardless of the quiet. And now he was drowning harder and faster than he'd ever found himself, even when he saw Stacy for the first time after five years when Mark was sick.

He jumped when he heard a voice behind him but didn't turn to face where it came from.

"House, have some coffee," Cuddy said, handing the cup to him and stood as close to him as she could without getting 'too' much into his space.

He finally turned and looked at the cup then up at Cuddy. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw his face. They were red, swollen and still tear-filled.

"I just came up from checking on Cameron. When we left with Chase she went into cardiac arrest but they brought her around. She needed four more liters of blood after they did exploratory in her abdomen. They found the bleeding and stopped it after needing to remove her spleen. She's still going to need surgery to repair her right leg. She's still in critical condition."

House didn't say a word, only leaned against the balcony and bowed his head.

"House, please, come inside. You're not doing yourself any good…" she said softly and affectionately.

"It doesn't matter what I do, Cuddy. I never do myself any good. Everyone keeps telling me that," he snapped.

She placed her hand on his shoulder and pressed her body against him, not to flirt with him but to keep him warm. "How…Greg, there's nothing we can do now, except maybe pray."

"Oh, please. Like that'll help."

"Greg, stop it. There's nothing you could have done…"

"Nothing I could have done? I didn't have to kiss her back!"

House stood tall and took a step back, taking aim at the coffee cup still in her hand and snatched it away so hard that it flew out of her hand and hit the glass to Wilson's office, causing only a small crack.

"House, what in the hell?!"

"It's ok, it's Wilson's window, not mine," House answered and walked back into his own office. Cuddy stood in shock, not that he threw the cup into the glass, but his nonchalance at breaking it.

"That's gonna cost you five clinic hours!" she shouted out after him just as the door closed behind him. She didn't mean it. She was just as worried about Cameron as everyone else, she just hadn't realized it.

Several hours passed and Cameron was finally out of surgery and taken to ICU. Chase was still sleeping on Cuddy's couch in her office with Foreman lying on the floor closer to her desk. Cuddy had gone home with a guarantee she'd get a phone call if there were any changes in Cameron's condition.

House was in Cameron's room. Alone. In his thoughts. Again. Sitting in a chair by the window, a window that had fogged up from his hot breath that had been pressed against the window.

He couldn't look at her. He heard the beeps of the monitor and knew she was okay. Her heart was, anyway. But he couldn't look at her.

Not now.

Not yet.

Not the way he knew she'd look.

That's not how he wanted to remember her in case…