Chapter 18
Losing Myself
Point of View: Kairi
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A smile reveals much. It illustrates happiness in a simple expression. It lets the world know you are in some state of bliss. A smile is common. You can go out, stroll about for few minutes, and easily see many wearing one on their faces. It would be common; after all, so many people have so much in their lives to be cheerful about. A smile is true. Most who wear it have true happiness in their lives. A smile is a facade. Others who wear it only desire to hide away the misery within.
A smile... Oh what's the point? A smile is no symbol of what I'm experiencing inside. A frown doesn't come close. I don't know how to explain this feeling. This horrible feeling. I can't begin to explain how wretched I feel inside. It's like a huge hole. A massive piece of me is just...gone. I feel so cold, so empty, so completely alone.
I guess it's no secret, my feelings toward Sora. I guess a part of me always knew I still loved him. But then, there was the other part which kept me in denial, and held me back from this happily ever after fairy tale I could've had. Maybe those feelings between us weren't just reminiscences, maybe there was still some sort of spark between us; an ember which never really blew out. Now that I think about it, I feel so...stupid. All of the signs were right there in front of me. Sora bringing up the paopu fruit in multiple conversations...the last night home...the boat ride over... It all makes so much sense now. All the confusion, the puzzles which confounded me...they all fell in place...but just too late.
Sora...well, he's found his someone else now, and it couldn't be a worse person. Janice. It's horrible, because we're friends. We've grown so close in the minimum time we've spent together, and well, a friendship should never come to an end over a guy! But oh, Sora's much more than just another ordinary boy. He's...well, Sora.
We've been through so much together, our history incredible.
Fate has torn us apart, but destiny brought us back together.
My unseen love...was it really that obvious? So many realized this special connection between us. Selphie...Janice...Candice...Brent... They all knew. Was I really that blind? Of course there have been times I considered the possibility...but I don't know, it just seemed so impossible to believe.
So here I am now, two weeks since that phone call. Standing on our little balcony, glaring at the ocean, at the sunset. My arms traversed, hanging loosely over the railings, back arched gently over, and legs crossed. I've been in this position for a good thirty minutes, just lost in thought. Everything is just so wrong! None of this should have happened! I wasn't supposed to be so ignorant! He wasn't supposed to fall for Janice!
My glare narrowed. I felt so frustrated right now; so angry at Sora...
"How could you?!" I screamed to the world, "You're nothing to me! Nothing!"
Tears slid down my cold cheeks. "Nothing..." I whispered.
Did I hate him? No. How could I?
Did I hate Janice? At the moment, yes.
It was her fault. If she weren't around, he wouldn't be dating her, and living under the same roof as him! This whole mess is all her fault! My palms formed tight fists in aggravation. I sighed. No...it wasn't. As much as I hate to admit it, it was all my fault. If I just realized my feelings earlier then...well, I don't know 'then what,' but all I know is things would be different.
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I walked about the small island, seeking some form of comfort to soothe my broken heart, but all I found was additional melancholy and depression. On my right was a couple enjoying a romantic evening, seated outside a café. To my left was a blissful young couple, stumbling along as they rollerbladed, fingers intertwined. I sighed sadly as they skated away. Pedestrians passed by me, sending questioning looks to my downcast form, their expressions asking what was the matter.
I ignored them, my gaze kept strictly to the ground. It's not like they cared... I was just one who stood out from the cheery atmosphere.
Voices in my head...
I closed my ruddy eyes, my hands covering my ears.
So many familiar voices...
I couldn't think... All these voices were growing louder by each passing second... I just wanted to close the world out. I wanted to escape this hell I had gotten myself into.
So many phrases...jumbled into one another. Blurring the meanings, smudging the speakers... I couldn't make out any of the words. They were all the same. The sounds crowded my head until I was on the verge of going insane. Then, one voice jumped out at me.
"Kairi!"
My heart skipped a beat. I recognized it.
"Kairi, remember what you said before? I'm always with you too.
The sounds seemed to clear up. The words became comprehendible. Multiple sentences rung in my head.
"Heh…did I scare ya?"
"The paopu legend. You know, if two people share it, their destinies will be intertwined."
"Hey Kai, you nervous? I mean about this whole leaving home and stuff."
"I don't know what was bothering you last night, but you know, every time you feel like crying, you can always come to me…"
"I need to tell you something... But not here, not now. We'll talk...soon..."
"Sora..." I mumbled as I opened my eyes again.
My eyes widened as a dark green pole came into view.
"OW!"
I whimpered as I slowly sunk down to my knees. "Owie..." This drew me quite a lot of attention! My face was hot with embarrassment. I could feel diminutive tears bubbling up; it hurt. Physically and emotionally. Nevertheless I held them back.
Note to self: NEVER walk with your eyes closed.
--
Maybe I'd do better on my own
No one ever seems to understand me
It's easier for me to be alone
But there's a piece of me that feels so empty
I've been all over the world
I've seen a million different places
But through the crowds and all the faces
I'm still out there looking for you
I found myself wandering aimlessly, a few hours later. No real reason, no real feel for direction, just continuously walking onward. Luckily for me, this is a rather small island, quite impossible to lose your way in. It was starting to get rather late. The sun began to set on me, regardless I was still out wandering. Being an islander myself, I was familiar with little knacks somewhat useful to people, and easily deciphered the time judging the direction of shadows.
Where are you now?
I'm trying to get by with never knowing at all
What is the chance of finding you out there?
Or do I have to wait forever?
Quarter till seven. Have I really been out that long? Well, no worries, Selphie will understand. 'Understand what?' was basically what I was musing, 'That I got a bit depressed, and decided to wander all over town because I had nothing better to do?'
Okay...maybe she won't...
I write about the things I'll never know
And I can't find a moment just to slow down
It makes me think I'll never have the chance
To figure out what it's all about
So tell me what it's all about
I walked over to the railings that bordered a cliff which overlooked the sea, allowing my body to resume in the same position as it was previously at our own little balcony. It was a gorgeous scenery, but I just couldn't enjoy it, just couldn't absorb it as I always do. It just seemed to soothe me in some sort of fashion. Perhaps that's why I'm so drawn to it...
Where are you now?
I'm trying to get by with never knowing at all
What is the chance of finding you out there
Or do I have to wait forever
The questions I had been dwelling upon ceased to forsake me. They left me questioning everything and everyone I knew and loved. Was Sora really dating Janice? Didn't he even have any kind of feelings toward me at all? Why Janice of all people? Didn't they even consider my feelings at all? How could they? I sighed in defeat. All this questioning was pointless. I stood to start back for the boarding house.
But the one thing that continued to ponder my mind was...
Where are you now?
I'm trying to get by with never ever knowing at all
And I still don't know
Where are you now?
I'm trying to get by with never ever knowing at all
What is the chance of finding you out there?
Or do I have to wait
Or do I have to wait
Or do I have to wait forever?
...Why?
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Author's Notes:
Okay, okay, I know, this took me forever and...it was ANOTHER semi-pointless chapter (please don't kill me!). Well...lets see...what's happened since my last update...oh, I rewrote part of the ending for Caught in the Past, I'm gonna be working with another one of my friends, Candace, or aka Astaldotholwen! Oh, and can anyone tell me how long I've been using this penname? Cause I'm gonna be changing back soon!
Okay, I don't feel like doing replies today...so I'll just answer some questions and make some comments. Hey, classengurl, give me a hint when you actually write out those two fics! I definitely will want to check them out! Sky, whoops, my bad! madcow, thanks for reviewing so late! Lolz...you realize you're married to your cousin? (HoD) Apolla, you know, I find myself thinking that way towards half of the writers here! Don't worry, your writing is awesome, you just need to realize it!
Oh, and thanks everyone who reviewed my one shot Waiting for Tonight! Let's see...Zanisha, yep, I'm currently figuring out some plots to some other fics I'm planning to do after or while I write Rollercoaster! One of my ideas is going to take place in a time span of over ten years! So...I should probably get started on that soon...if I ever plan on finishing it... Oh, and heya Riley!
No! First ffnet takes away my star things, now it's those greater than, less than signs! [cries] Okay, I'm gonna keep this short. Plz R&R everyone!
Ciao