Chapter 12: Breakdown
(a/n: I'm actually ashamed to post this)
Looking back on the past few weeks it seemed a miracle that I had survived them.
At least time is working like it should now ... in seconds, minutes, hours and days ... for awhile there it was just one giant block of misery.
A month has passed since that fateful day with Jame.
I haven't spoken to him, or tried.
Jame just wants to forget about me
I know this because Khan told me
It's funny how the only way I know about Jame's world is through the information Khan gives me
It's like I'm too short to look over the fence, the fence being a metaphor for Jame's life and Khan being the one who hoists me on his shoulders occasionally so I could get a better view
Picking information out of Khan when he comes home has become a nightly ritual and Khan is becoming increasingly irritated by it
I fear the time may come when I have to stop ... and yes, get over it
Whatever that means
"Sissy" Khan whined "Have you taken my good -"
"I haven't touched your stupid screwdriver!" I screamed at him
Mum, who was doing some calculations at the circular table looked up at Khan and I, temporarily startled by my outburst
Khan muttered something about "women" and stalked back into his room, slamming the door.
I seemed to be yelling an awful lot lately, especially at Khan.
I tried to convince myself it was because he was my brother and it was my sworn duty to argue constantly with him ... but I knew that wasn't it.
I was so angry and bitter at him about something I just couldn't quite put my finger on ... but the anger was there alright.
Guiltily I suddenly remembered that I had in fact borrowed Khans favorite screwdriver.
O well, I thought carelessly, I had bigger things to worry about, it was only a screwdriver, it's not like it's the end of the world or anything.
Pushing screwdriver related thoughts into the back of my mind, I sat moodily in front of the spherevision.
Stupid family shows, I thought bitterly as I flicked through the channels.
Ever since Blitzball season had finished all of the exceptionally bad SphereVision programs had somehow found it's way on to the airwaves.
The Al Bheds hadn't even won the final.
"I hate my life" I muttered
In the next few days I begun to have a sense that the divorce proceedings were sneaking up on me once again
I spied mum making many phone calls to Mr. Matherson, then looking guilty and depressed after.
"Let her be guilty" I thought savagely, before feeling guilty myself seconds later
Mum was currently in the kitchen chatting to Mishaai about supposedly "work related" things
Although I had yet to hear the words "Co-ordinates" or "Digs" come from their mouths
Mum was giggling, somewhat childishly at something totally not funny.
I wondered for a second whether I was the one being childish but dismissed this thought as another one of mums loud delighted laughs filled my ears.
What is wrong with everyone I hissed to myself
Whats wrong with you is the question the critical voice inside my head hissed back
Great, even my own thoughts were against me now.
I looked around the lounge room and it suddenly occurred to me how small this house really was.
There were three bedrooms, one bathroom, two toilets, a loungeroom and a kitchen all connected by one cramped dark hallway.
I had been living here for so long sometimes I just had to open my window and take a gulp of fresh air sometimes.
It was like I was going to suffocate or something if I didn't
Is it this house, is it the people living inside of it or is it really just our emotions?
Anger, Calmness and happiness intertwined and bouncing off the walls didn't mix
They clashed with my anger and I felt like I had been winded
Was I the faulty link in my family?
What should I do?
Should I leave?
I shook my head vigoriously ... mum wouldn't want me to leave ... would she?
I told myself my mind was just playing tricks on me and that all this insecurity was because of the breakdown in communication lately
But like many insecurities ... they never quite die.
"Neeka get in here!" Mum called angrily
I had been lying on my bed for the last hour, window wide open and hurling my moogle doll into the ceiling and letting it fall back and hit me in the face
I didn't even have the energy to catch the poor battered thing anymore.
"Neeka quickly!" Mum yelled again, urgency now evident in her strained voice.
I huffed and sat up on my bed in a similar way a vampire who had been sleeping in a coffin for a hundred years would.
"Sissy!" Khan called
I knew then that was my final warning.
Briefly I wondered if they were going to throw me out of the house.
Don't be stupid my mind spoke
But you never know ... the opposing voice trailed unconvinced
Shutup! I told both voices
When you have to tell the voices in your head to shutup you know you have lost your lost thread of sanity.
When I entered the living room Mum, Mishaai and Khan were circled around the SphereVision.
I stared at the face plastered on the SphereVision for a second ... a plain looking women with mousy brown hair taking a deep drag of her cigarette.
Aera!
What was she doing on SphereVision ... and then it hit me harder then a rogue Machina arm.
Dad had mentioned she's threatened an interview ...
A weedy looking man with bright teeth and an expensive outfit and combed dark hair was speaking with great excitement evident in his eyes.
"Aera will be telling her side of this scandalous story tomorrow night in a fabulous one-on-one interview conducted by me ... don't miss the biggest story of the year at 8:30PM on Channel SphereBloid .. but we know all of Spira are dying to know a few juicy details ... so heres a sneak peak!"
Aera had even made sure they played the stupid thing on the most watched, awful channel in Spira.
In the back of my mind I pledged I would never leave this house again which was a bit of a contridiction to everything I had been thinking an hour ago.
Aera begun to speak of how her's and dads affair started a few years ago and splashed several letters and photos across the studios coffee table.
The weedy man wagged his finger like he would a naughty child and told his viewers they would have to wait until tomorrow night.
Mum looked disgusted and very very angry before hurling the SphereRemote at the wall and shrieking "I hate her"
Mum stalked off to her room slamming her door while Mishaai looked uncomfortable.
"I better go" he mumbled and exited to house
"So supportive" I muttered sarcastically to a stony Khan
Khan just glared at Mishaai's retreating back and then went into his room leaving me alone in the living room.
Why does it have to be like this? I questioned myself silently before collapsing in a heap on the brown carpet.
It will pass so spoke my mind ... but will it pass into better times or worse times was the question.
It was approximently 3AM and someone was knocking on my bedroom door.
This was an unusual and extremely rare feat ... but it wasn't enough to make me open the door.
"Sissy" Khan whispered loudly.
Typically I was almost asleep when Khan decided to drop in for a visit
"What?" I questioned in a voice caught between a hiss and a whisper
"Unlock the door"
"It's like three am"
"Sissy"
"Oh fine" I grumbled sitting up and letting Khan inside my room.
"Gawd it's dark in here" Khan muttered
"It's night ..." I reminded him
Khan didn't bother to answer, but instead opened my blinds so the moonlight shone brightly around my room.
"Thats better" he said and made himself comfortable on my bed
"It's not as though I'm not enjoying this pajama party ... but get to the point why you are here" I asked him, edginess apparent in my voice.
I didn't really know what I had been so angry at him lately it's not like he had distinctly done anything to me, he had just been happier really.
Maybe I didn't want everyone to be happy if I couldn't be
I dismissed that thought ... I wasn't that selfish was I ...
There had to be another reason
Khan suddenly looked very nervous, he opened his mouth, then closed it, then opened it again.
"Spit it out" I told him coldly
"I'm taking that apprenticeship ... the one dad offered ... I accepted" Khan confessed, not daring to look into my eyes.
Shock filled me ... I cant believe I had forgotten all about that ... I thought he had rejected it.
I sat slowly on my bed and begun to ring my hands together.
He cant leave my mind begged
"You cant leave" I blurted out ... but it came out more of a plea then a statement.
"I have to" Khan shrugged calmly, relieved I wasn't going to throw something at him.
"What about mum ... and me ..." I trailed desperately
"You'll both be fine without me here" he assured ... but that wasn't good enough
"But we need you here" I croaked, tears beginning to well up because now I realised it was for certain ... Khan is leaving.
"You don't need me here" he said, shaking his head but not looking at my face
So typical of Khan, he could never handle girls crying ... he usually ran a mile from them when they did.
"Don't you care about mum and I" I asked, anger beginning to prickle inside of me.
"Of course I do" said Khan, shocked that I would even suggest it.
"Then why are you leaving us?" I asked stubbornly, fat tears falling madly from my face and onto my blanket.
"This is a really good opportunity for me Sissy ... the best"
"But cant you go ... another time ... another year" I begged
"No I need to leave now ... it's important I leave now" Khan stated firmly
"Why?"
"I need to fix this ... hole ... with dad before it's too late"
"Cant you just go and visit him?"
"It's not that simple Sissy" said Khan softly, shaking his head
I knew then that there was no way to change this.
Khan was truly leaving us ... leaving me ... and I couldn't change that.
It hit me hard, real hard and I begun to cry violently
"Sissy" Khan said, trying to comfort me
"Just leave me alone" I cried, pushing his arm away
"Please, will you just try and -"
"Leave me alone" I repeated.
" - understand me" Khan finished
"GET OUT AND LEAVE ME ALONE" I screamed, hurling my moogle doll at him
Khan looked shocked, and then hurt ... but he left the room defeated none the less.
I didn't speak to Khan at breakfast the next morning
Mum tried to ignore my coldness to him, she tried to act like she hadn't heard our late night argument but I know she had.
I screamed so loud Jame had probably heard my voice.
That actually strangely comforted me
In fact I didn't speak to Khan again until the day he left ... which was two days later.
I gave him a cold goodbye ... no hug ...no well wishes ... nothing.
Khan looked like he had been punched in the stomach but he didn't say anything ... he just hugged and kissed mum goodbye and sped of in a hover.
As that hover sped away I realized my last pathetic connection to Jame had gone with it.
I knew then why I had been angry with Khan even before he had left.
I was jealous ... very, very jealous.
I was jealous that Khan still had a relationship with Jame
That he could still talk to Jame
That he still call Jame
That he could be part of Jame's world ... whereas I couldn't be ... and by the way thing were going I never would be again.
The small speck of silver on the horizon disappeared ... Khan was completely gone now.
He had begun his own little adventure ... and I was stuck here with mum ... picking up the pieces.
It wasn't fair that he got to leave and I had to stay here and suffer.
I didn't know where I wanted to be ... but I knew it was anywhere but here.
a/n:If your a regular reader of mine you probably would of realised there has been a long break in my updates ... this is because I was sadly cursed with an unbreakable block of writers block, when I started this chapter I had no direction and hadn't planned out future chapters and I was just stuck in this rut ... I've planned out my last eight chapters so updating should come fairly swiftly from now on. I apologise for the long break and the impression that this story had been abandoned. As for this chapter well not much happened really, I just wanted a chapter full of "Neeka emotions" I used this chapter to basically position my characters for future chapters ... and plus I really wanted to show a reversal in how Khan and Neeka have been acting.
Review Replies:
randomcat23: aww thanks, although I don't think I deserve any applause because of the shocking amount of time between my last update, i'm glad you liked that chapter. I think when your dealing with two such high profile people it's really only natural for the media to get involved ... I got inspiration from the Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston case, lol. I've been worrying i'm dragging the story out too much so it was a relief to hear that it wasn't too fast, yet too slow.
oOoDancingQueenoOo: Yeah I love him to bits ... dear sweet Jame ... but don't worry it isn't the complete end of him
Jezzi: My ex-boyfriend always complained I jumped to conclusions (that prick) so I think I have incorporated that into my story, lol, yeah the poor dear is a bit paranoid with all the suspicion in the air. I love the Gippal/Neeka scene ... bonding baby! ()
MoMo-ChAn1: Call me coldhearted but I don't care much for cows ... I eat them ... thats the way the foodchain goes, but animal hunting ... now thats another issue, but anyway yeah I am crap when it comes to grammar, maybe I should get a BETA or something, gawd knows I cant stand proofreading.
FlyHigh4Life: Yay Gippal gained points! lol, nah Mishaai-the-freak doesn't have the brains to realise he could make a lot of money out of the story.LOL, your neighbour sounds just like our Mishaai, gawd that made me laugh ... hands over candy bar
Moogle Girl: hehe, it was Aera indeed. I like the sound of that Tidus photo (insert fangirl drool)
DeaDolce: hehe, that was quite possibly one of my favorite Broken Dolls moments.
Emmy-miester: yay my first threat! this is a good day in EdenJaded history ... the future of Jame and Neeka is uncertain
FairyIce (Jen) - so your the mysterious FairyIce, lol, I'm glad I succeeded with the suspicion ... I really wanted to make my readers feel Jame was the culprit and then make them feel stupid with her, lol (sorry!) I was afraid Jame's reaction was too over-the-top but I just really wanted it to be one of the darkest moments in the story. Hehe Aera and Gippal are most definitely FINISHED.
Mikusan: Thanks for the wonderful review, your comments made me a happy girl ... then a guilty one because of the long break between my updates. You are actually right, it was slightly more complicated then I have said ... and the interview next chapter will delve into it more.
Krystall Trensk: I'm blushing here, basically Neeka has not been thinking straight for the last few chapters, there is just too much happening to really filter it all and get a clear view on everything ... so shes going to make a mistake or two (or three) I just don't want her to turn into a Mary-Sue type. One of the points of this story was to give a different view on what Rikku/Gippal might be like after marriage ... I mean i've seen fics on what happens before but rarely after ... let alone say 19 years later. I know what you mean by having it torn apart ... thats actually why Khans taking the apprenticeship early ... to stop that from happening. Thanks for the review!
Sweet Demon Slayer: Ugh, Aera is a little bint ... who if she was real I would slap sigh. From what I gather marriage is a very complicated and a hard thing, so I really wanted to explore that ... and well Gippal/Rikku is my favourite couple so this fic had no choice but to exist!