Chapter 19: Breakaway

When you're a child the few kilometres that surround you is your entire world. You never really think about what else is out there, and you don't even contemplate growing apart and breaking away from the pack because … well it's your entire world.

This desert, right here is my entire world, and although beautiful I crave oceans and green pastures … even if the sight of large amounts of water makes me feel queasy in the stomach.

I had been studying the map hardcore for the last week, marking out routes, avoiding shortcuts and creating a plan. I would take enough food to live off until I got to Djose, before stocking up there and making my way down to the Thunder Plains … my ultimate aim was to reach Guadosalam in two months time.travelling

I would have to live it rough, and eat stale bread and canned goods but if that was the cost of and independence then I was prepared to do it.

Though before I left there was one loose tie that had to be dealt with, and that tie was Jame.

It's not like it was ever going to be easy, I had never properly apologised to anyone in my life over anything that really mattered, so I had no idea what to say or where to begin.

Should I sphere?

Should I write a letter?

Should I do it face to face?

Face to face seemed the most appropriate, I suppose it was more respectful and secretly it was more punishing because I had to look him in the eye, and if he brushed me off I would have to physically walk away. The cons outweighed the positives, but then again beggars cant be choosers.

The sun blazed across my face as I trekked down Jame's house. I knew paralysing blind fear would do me absolutely no benefit so I tried to remain numb and vacant.

It needed to be done, I might as well be as calm about it as possible.

So I walked forward, trying to convince myself it was just another day, another walk, another day in the life … of maybe someone else's life, but not my own.

In the back of my mind I felt ridiculous, I didn't even know what to say, what would anyone say in this situation?

It felt strange following this old trail to his house, like I'd just warped myself back in time. For a short moment I'd pretended nothing had ever changed, trying to capture the long dormant feelings of butterflies and excitement as I visited my long-time crush.

It was a sweet kind of innocence, a kind I didn't recognise "back then", now I couldn't even remember feeling like that anymore. There was just a null and void feeling in the pit of my gut, my only source of excitement was my own obsession with independence and leaving home.

So I saw the faded blue house in the distance, standing out vividly in a sea of swirling orange and yellow.

I let my fingers trail along his rusted wire fence, and although I didn't mean to …

I let myself smile.

Jame was working on a beaten up old hover when I crept through his gate like some sort of Bandai Ninja, he was completely immersed in it, only stopping to swear when he accidentally burnt himself.

He looked up slowly, expression impassive.

"Hey Neeka" said Jame plainly, and begun to search around for a screwdriver.

If there was ever an anti-climax in my life this was definitely it. I'd expected him to yell, threaten, warn me to get off his property, but he didn't.

In a way maybe this "indifference" was a lot worse then his anger.

"Hey Jame" I replied sitting casually on the dusty step, warm sunshine beating down on me, trying match up to whatever game he was playing, if he was even playing one.

"Took you long enough" He replied lightly, a small smirk playing on his lower lip.

"Thought I'd give you some time" I shot back with a large pretty smile, though with unintentional malice.

"Right" He murmured but he gave me the pleasure of his full attention anyway and put down his tools, leaning back against the hover.

"So how ya been?" It was probably a stupid question to ask, but I couldn't think of any others really and I don't think writing down a list of them would have been much help wither.

"Been getting a lot of work at Rins Hover Repairs, it's kept me busy"

"That's a nice hover you have there" I noted, nodding my head towards the hover Jame was working on.

Jame merely nodded in reply, though his demeanour was cold I could still sense a glint of pride in his eye.

"So you look well" I started nervously, wondering how long polite chit chat could drag itself out.

"Thanks, you look … a bit tubbier around the tummy region Neeks." Jame remarked half-jokingly

Although I was completely aware I wasn't currently at my best level of physique, it still annoyed me and I had to stop myself from making a biting remark at his attempt of facial hair.

"This was never supposed to be easy" I soothed to myself

"Though you've grown into your face, I'll admit that" He added quickly, perhaps after noticing my face darken considerably.

"Well thankyou"

"I've always spoken honestly, remember"

Ahh, and there it was, the sarcastic biting comment that would further lead me on to my long awaited apology.

"I'm sorry I blamed you for the thingie with the media and my parents" I blurted, face blending in nicely with the blood red paint shimmering of Jame's hover.

"Ohh, the accusing me of selling my best friend and girlfriends problems to the media "thingie"?"

"Yeah, that thingie" I confirmed quietly, a new wave of shame hitting me.

"Don't worry about it Neeks, I got over it, if anything it taught me a very important lesson" Jame told me with a patient smile.

The wave of shame was diminished by a strong cleansing wave of relief.

"That lesson is women will ultimately, always let you down"

The wave of relief disappeared, great, I'd permanently scarred his entire trust in the female race.

"A little but presumptuous isn't it?" I defended.

"Smile Neeka, I'm not angry" He laughed, and when I looked closely at him I noticed he was right.

There didn't seem to be any biting anger hidden behind his smile, any bitter feelings stilled in his eyes or any sign of unresolved feelings.

Yeah, he'd just come to the realisation that all women were fiends.

Great.

So I listened to him, and I smiled, maybe it was the kind of smile that you'd use if someone had held a gun to your head, but I still listened.

"It was nice seeing you again" I told him, and he nodded in perhaps agreement.

I turned to leave, fingers trailing across the old wire fence when I heard his voice call me back.

"Everything is a learning experience, don't you think, and for what it's worth I think we were a good one"

"Yeah, I think you might be right there" I called back.

Then I left.

And there it was, the apology, and maybe the end of a long arc.

Maybe, he was right, maybe everything was a learning experience.

But letting go, well

This was one lesson I never wanted to learn.

When I got home I found dinner and dad waiting for me.

"Hey dad"

"Just fixing the stairs before someone breaks a neck" he told me quickly, like he needed a strong explanation to be here.

"That's … nice" and then I laughed.

I couldn't help it, dad didn't say anything remotely funny, but everything at that moment seemed hilarious.

James offhand forgiveness, the map, my dads presence, the termite eaten stairs … everything.

I think maybe, it was just funny the way my life had turned so quickly, so fiercely, so painfully and so heartbreakingly that all I could do was laugh about it now.

And when I saw dads confused face as I left the table, I begun to laugh even more until I heard him call out "Rikku I think there's something wrong with Neekie"

Then I saw the television which showed the ravaged Guadosalam and I whispered softly to myself.

"Nothing is wrong with me at all"

Often late at night I like to make up lists in my head, it's usually when I cant sleep and it almost always helps.

The list for tonight was "Reasons I should stay here for the time being", I don't know if I was just looking for reasons to procrastinate my eventual journey, but I figured it was something worth thinking about.

1. Mum needs me, that and she'll kill me if I leave.

Well okay, but she seemed to accept Khan leaving better then I'd anticipated, and she'll get over the death threats eventually.

2. I'm not old enough to leave.

Well mum saved the world when she was fifteen from an ancient retarded fish-thing, why am I too young to merely backpack?

3. I'll run out of food and come crawling back within a week, which will scar my independence horribly

That will NOT happen, full stop.

4. I'm an Al Bhed, my place is in the desert.

Well I should find that out for myself.

For every argument I dreamed up I managed to dream up a rather logical counter argument which then further emphasised my procrastination.

My thoughts were interrupted by the high tinkled laughter coming from the front patio and the low inaudible voices. Curiosity is something that had always plagued me and usually took form in that of spying.

So in the form of "Detective Neeka", I decided to investigate. Peeking through the old flywire door I watched the source of the voices.

Of course it was my parents, they were sitting casually under the dark sky, joking and drinking wine.

"So, Khans been spending a lot of late nights, or early mornings in a room other then his own" Dad smirked as my skin crawled at thought of what he was implying.

Mum laughed loudly taking a large sip of wine.

"I'm his mother, please don't tell me these things!"

"I'm quite proud of him actually, from what I've seen of this girl" Dad added.

"I don't want to hear these details about my son, Gippal … what does she look like?"

"Lets just say if I were 20 something years younger …" he trailed.

Mum hit him playfully and returned to her glass of wine.

"He grew up way too quickly" she sighed.

"We did a good job with him in the least, and Neeka, she's becoming quite something now"

"She just needs to find confidence in herself"

"She'll find it, she's got us as parents remember?" Dad stated loudly.

"Who'd of thought as we were celebrating the defeat of Vegnagun, we'd be partially divorced with two kids years later"

"Eh, I decided I was going to marry you when I was three"

"I cant decide whether that's creepy or not" Mum laughed, probably deciding it wasn't.

"If we're partially divorced that means we are still partially married right?" Dad questioned, suddenly serious.

"If you want to look at it that way" Mum replied slowly, her voice hinting deep unresolved confusion.

"Then what's stopping us now" Dad continued

"I don't know Gippal, I really just don't know"

They both sighed and look out far into the desert sky.

No disappointment seeped through me, no anger.

Nothing really, because finally I just understood.

People do grow apart, and they wont always grown back.

The word sorry, no matter how many times said wont always heal you.

There are just some wounds that run so deep, and the feeling of betrayal too strong to fade right away.

Time will only tell with these things, as time changes people change.

It was then, at that moment I'd decided to leave for my journey tomorrow morning.

Not all endings are happily ever after, but then whose to say what really is the end?