Buffy thought the silence might kill her.

She was sitting on the couch in the training room next to Giles, having just told him the truth about Dawn. She had thought she knew Giles completely and was able to read all his looks, but the way he was looking at her now, she had never seen before, and had no idea what it meant. For all she knew he might be guilt ridden, or livid, or any mix of emotions in between. And although only seconds had passed since she had finished talking, Buffy felt like they were stretching into hours.

"Oh God," he finally said. "I had no idea." He sounded devastated.

"Yeah, that was kinda the point of not telling you." Buffy tried to make light of the situation, and immediately felt ashamed for doing so.

"Why didn't you?"

"I panicked. I was afraid it would totally mess us up, mess up both our lives." She smiled ironically, self-deprecatingly. "Then, after I felt so horrible about myself, the only way I could deal was to blame you for everything."

"I'm so sorry you didn't think you could tell me."

"Me too."

Giles stared thoughtfully into the distance. Buffy watched him closely, waiting for him to speak again. He was so still for so long it started to seem like he would never speak again.

Finally, it was Buffy who broke the silence. "Can you forgive me?" she asked quietly.

"Of course!" he said without thinking about it. He turned to her and was surprised to see tears in her eyes. "Of course, Buffy…" he drew her to him as she started crying. "You didn't even have to ask. I'm so sorry for everything."

When Buffy calmed down, she pulled away, wiping her face with her hand. "You're still watching the horizon, Giles," she said, commenting on his distant look.

"Hm?" He turned to her. "Oh, um, I-I'm just trying to get used to the idea, th-that we have a daughter… who's fifteen."

"Yeah, lot to take in, I know." Buffy smiled weakly. "But hey, she skipped straight to the years you have experience with, since that was 'bout my age when we met…" Buffy trailed off, her expression somewhat disturbed.

Giles gave her a sideways look.

"In my head that sounded like a point in the 'pro' column, not the 'we're terribly twisted' column. Um, not that I think we're twisted or anything," she continued, embarrassed. She saw Giles starting to smile in spite of himself. "Just, you know, a little bit strange." She laughed. Having finally told the secret that had been weighing her down for so long, Buffy felt incredibly light-hearted.

Giles was laughing too. "Oh dear. We're quite horrible, aren't we?"

"Hey, watch the 'we.'" Buffy said, pretending to be offended. "You were the one making time with a minor."

"I never even thought of you that way when you were a minor," Giles said defensively.

"Really?"

"Not at all."

Buffy smiled teasingly. "Come on, I was a hottie."

"Never even thought of it."

"Sooo… no thoughts about the cheerleading costume?"

"It looked silly," Giles said plainly.

She didn't give up. "Or the miniskirts? The knee-high boots…?"

"Why?" He looked at her askance, the corners of his mouth turning up slightly. "Were you trying to, um, turn me on?"

Buffy acted shocked. "Of course not!"

Giles shrugged defensively. "You do have a record of going after older men."

"Who looked twenty-something."

"Still older."

"Younger than you, mister Giles."

"Fine, fine. Though I still question the motive behind some of the more, um, impractical ensembles you used to wear on patrol."

"Like what?"

"Well…" Giles started, then he noticed Buffy looking at him knowingly, her eyebrows raised. "Can't say I recall, exactly."

Buffy scoffed and shook her head at him. "You perv."

He blinked, taken aback, and Buffy thought she really had offended him. Then she noticed the corners of his mouth twitch. "Tart."

"Oh!" She exclaimed. "Creep."

"Lolita."

"Oh, say it like he does in the intro," Buffy told Giles enthusiastically, edging closer to him on the couch.

"What?" He looked confused.

"Of the movie. With the accent it sounds hot when you say it 'Lo-lee-ta.'" She enunciated each syllable carefully and slowly.

"Oh. Uh, um…" Giles blinked and turned away from her. He looked at a total loss.

Buffy felt her face burning up. "Or, um, you know, not." About a minute passé in awkward silence before Buffy spoke again. "So, what now?"

"What do you mean?"

"With us?"

"Oh. Um… h-has anything changed?"

"Hasn't everything?" was what Buffy wanted to say, but instead she said, "Not really, I guess."

Giles nodded.

"Um, Dawn would like to talk to you."

"Oh." Giles looked surprised. "Right." He stood up and headed towards the door. He turned back to Buffy expectantly.

"She kinda wants to talk to you alone."

He nodded nervously and walked into the store.

Dawn was doing her homework at the research table. Giles didn't go up to her, but stood at the back of the store and watched her work. She seemed so methodical about it, not at all like Buffy, but not like himself either when he was that age. He had always been fidgeting. Her hair reminded him of his mother, though. She had hair just like that; it used to glint in the sunlight in the exact same way.

Dawn looked up from her books and saw him watching her.

Giles glanced to the front of the store to make sure Anya was busy with customers, and then approached Dawn.

"Hi," she said, smiling slightly.

"Hello Dawn." He sat down across from her. "So…"

"Yeah."

He took a steadying breath before he spoke. "I'm so sorry."

"I've been hearing that a lot lately."

"I would have liked to have seen you grow up."

"Take it from someone who's been there, it was kinda boring," Dawn joked. She could feel this had the potential to get emotional. She wasn't sure she was ready for emotional-Giles yet. "I like it this way because I actually get to hang out with you and talk about stuff before you get all senior and senile."

Giles frowned, taken aback. "I'm not that old."

Dawn just looked at him, waiting for him to do the math.

"I wouldn't be senile at least," he said grudgingly.

"You might not even have made it to my fifteenth birthday, normally, you know."

Giles just looked at her.

"Because of your job. High mortality rate and all."

"Right. Um, well, that is looking on the bright side."

"That's what I figure." Dawn nodded. "Hey Buffy."

"Hi," Buffy said as she came up to the table. "Sorry to interrupt the bonding time, but mom's expecting us back soon."

"Okay." Dawn quickly packed up her books and slung her knapsack over her shoulders. "So…" she said, looking back and forth between Buffy and Giles. "What's up with you guys now?"

Buffy looked to Giles.

"We're, um, indefinitely on hold." He said.

"Oh," Dawn said, noticing Buffy's disappointed expression. "Well, see ya."

"Right. Good bye."

x

"Are you guys in love?" Dawn asked Buffy once they were outside and walking away from the Magic Box.

Buffy nodded.

"Then why aren't you together?"

"Everyone would kind of freak. Or, really freak, actually."

"So?"

"He thinks my mom and friends are more important than him."

"Maybe they won't freak."

Buffy gave Dawn a look.

"Okay, so they will, but they'll get used to it. I think the idea is kinda freaky, but I want you to be happy. If they love you, then they will too. You've been through so much, you deserve it."

"Exactly, I've been through so much. And Giles doesn't want to put me through any more."

"What do you want?"

"I don't know." Buffy sighed, frustrated. "I want to be with him, but I don't want to mess up again…"

"But if you love each other…"

"God, that doesn't mean anything!"

Dawn stared, taken aback.

"What does that mean, that we're in love? Nothing's different. We still can't tell mom, Xander's still going to freak out, people are still going to judge us and Giles still has all of his varied and sundry issues. It doesn't matter."

"But…"

"Just drop it, Dawn. I don't want to talk about it."

They walked the rest of the way home in silence.

xxx

Buffy knew she should have dusted him ages ago, that she should just turn around and stake him right now, but still she didn't.

"Buffy! Come on now, stop." Spike called after her, chasing her as she marched home. "You can't just walk away from this."

"What part of punching you in the face do you not understand?"

"So we had a fight. It's not our first, love –"

She rounded on him. "Don't call me that! You don't know anything about love! I am not your love."

"Whose are you then? Your watcher's?" Spike laughed. "That dried-up bookworm doesn't know the first thing about loving you."

"Giles loves me more than anyone in the world. He'd do anything for me."

Spike smirked. "Maybe, but that doesn't mean he knows how to do it well."

"Excuse me? But I thought you were listening when you were chained up in that bathroom." Buffy said sardonically.

"If he's so great, why aren't you going over to his place now, eh? Is it 'cause he'll only touch you when he's drunk?"

Buffy started towards him with a raised fist, but Spike backed away.

"Hey, hey, hey… looks like I struck a nerve. But nothing against you, pet. Not your fault he's too scared to do anything when he's sober." He noticed Buffy frown, thinking about what he said. "See? You know I'm right. And what kind of love is that, that's too scared to touch you? Real love is scary, and it's messy. My love is real. It's going to burn me alive, and I'm not afraid of it. It's wrong as hell, and I don't care who knows it." Spike sauntered towards Buffy again. "But if you knew I was going over to your place to tell your mum what's between you and Giles, how much would you pay to stop me?"

Buffy thought for a moment. She almost smiled. "Nothing."

"What?"

"You were right." Buffy shrugged. "We were both too scared. But now, I'm thinking not so much."

Spike was looking at her with a bit of a frown.

She looked at him seriously. "Go on and tell my mom that I'm sleeping with Giles. Tell my friends. I really don't care anymore." She turned and started in the opposite direction she was going before, leaving Spike looking hurt. Then she came back. "Oh, and yeah, that is "sleeping" in the present tense," she clarified. "Thanks Spike." And she ran off down the street.

x

Giles opened his door to find Buffy there, flushed and out of breath.

"Buffy! Is everything all right?"

"Yeah!" she said as she came in. "Everything's great. Um, Spike chained me up to a wall today and professed his undying love and almost staked Drusilla for me, but she escaped. Then he followed me home, and might be telling mom that I'm over here climbing on top of you right now, but I don't really know for sure." She looked him over and smiled.

Giles gaped at her for a moment. "Uh… What?" He shook his head trying to clear it. "Um… go-go back to when you were chained to a wall…?"

"Why?" Buffy smiled mischievously and stepped towards him. "That part turn you on?"

Giles stared dumbly. "What?"

"Do you think I love you?" she asked, suddenly serious.

"Um, sorry to keep repeating myself, but, what?"

"'Cause I don't think you do, think I love you." Buffy said, leading Giles to the couch as she talked and sitting down. "You keep holding me back, like if we got together and it caused angst and pain between me and my mom and my friends, I'd regret it."

Giles looked very confused by now. "Um, wouldn't you?"

"I thought about it actually, and no. Not at all. All relationships have problems, you know that, Giles. That's what being in love means, choosing the trouble and the pain just so you can be together. Giles, your whole life is devoted to me. I want pain and trouble so that I can prove that I love you even half that much."

"Oh…" He nodded, considering her point seriously. Then he smiled, which may have had something to do with the fact that she had begun nibbling his ear. He pushed Buffy away gently. "I appreciate what you're saying, Buffy," he said, watching her expression intently. "But you know it won't end well. It never does."

"Maybe we'll be the ones to break the watcher-slayer curse. Or maybe we won't. I don't care, Giles. I'd rather have a tragic end for having loved than an empty life for having been too afraid to."

"You sound like a Victorian poet."

"Bit maudlin, huh?" She leaned in and kissed him, he let her.

"I rather like it," he said after she pulled away. "But I still don't think I'm worth it."

"Good thing you're not the one who has to choose."