Chapter 7: Just One Bite
Squidward laid on the boat with half-closed eyes of utter dejection. He had been staring at the brown ceiling for so long that he did not perceive the orange light filtering from the windows. The dance magazine had been tossed to the side; the agony of yearning for an escape sealed away from him was too great. He saw SpongeBob from his peripheral vision and frowned slightly. "Hurry up with those chairs, SpongeBob. It's after closing and I'd like to go home."
SpongeBob was cleaning a table with a wet towel. After hearing what Squidward said, he dipped the towel into the bucket of water and quickened his pace.
RING RING RING RING
The shell-phone next to the cash register rang.
Squidward groaned and covered his ears.
"I got it, I got it!" SpongeBob dropped the towel and skipped towards the phone. "Coming."
At the sight of SpongeBob's face, another reminder of the portentous portrait of the yellow devil on the wall, Squidward sat up with furrowed brows. 'Screw him.' He snatched the phone.
THUD
SpongeBob landed face-first on the floor.
Squidward placed the phone near his ear and mouth. "Hello?" His head rested on his other hand.
An electronic voice asking for pizza was heard.
Mr. Krabs peeked through the ordering window as he eavesdropped on the phone conversation.
Squidward rolled his eyes. "Sorry, sir, we're close-" A red claw snatched the phone.
Mr. Krabs smirked. "Ahoy there, Krusty Krab. How could I help ye?"
The person on the other line repeated his order.
Mr. Krabs' eyes widened. "Pizza?" He began to fantasize about the dollars that would fly into his wallet. He glanced at the employee of the month wall. "Of course we have pizza." He grinned.
Squidward scanned the Galley Grub and did not see any food that would be even close to pizza. He glanced at his watch and sighed. "Uh, Mr. Krabs…"
"Our delivery squid will bring it right over, but you have to tell us where you live."
The electronic voice said a certain address.
Mr. Krabs jotted the address on a sticky note. "Have a nice day." He put the phone down. He then pirate-laughed.
Squidward folded his arms. "Mr. Krabs, we don't serve pizza." He glanced at the sky to see how far down was the sun.
"You're right, Mr. Squidward." Mr. Krabs nodded. He turned towards SpongeBob. "Do you know how to make pizza?"
"Yep." SpongeBob smiled widely. "I learned how to do that during my cooking classes."
"Go cook one right now." Mr. Krabs walked towards the kitchen door.
"Yes, sir!" SpongeBob promptly dove through the ordering window.
Mr. Krabs retrieved a ladder from the kitchen. He used it to retrieve a paint bucket and a brush from the storage area, which lied on the ceiling that was above the rooms enclosed by the metal walls. He then moved the ladder closer to the Galley Grub, climbed it again, and painted 'Pizza' into the menu with a ridiculous price to go with it. When he finished, he put the painting tools and the ladder away. "We now serve pizza." He gazed at the menu and smiled proudly.
Squidward imagined all of the time he might waste to deliver the pizza that he could have used to practice his dancing. He pouted. "We don't deliver."
Mr. Krabs chuckled. To him, Squidward was starting to sound like a child. "I don't deliver, but you do." He pointed at Squidward. "Since you and Mr. SquarePants did such a show to get the Employee of the Month award, I think you'll handle it."
Squidward glanced at SpongeBob's employee of the month portrait. "Can't you just get SpongeBob to do it?"
"Great idea!" Mr. Krabs snapped his claw. "SpongeBob, when you're done with that pizza, you're coming with Mr. Squidward to deliver it."
S-S-S-S-S
SpongeBob did a thumbs-up as he cooked the pizza.
S-S-S-S-S
"That's not what I had in mind!"
"Too bad." Mr. Krabs shrugged. He gave the sticky note with the address to Squidward and entered his office.
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Several minutes later…
S-S-S-S-S
SpongeBob stepped out of the kitchen. He was carrying a thin box with the pizza inside of it.
Squidward stepped out of the boat and sighed. "Let's get this over with."
The two walked through the double door and stopped before Squidward's boatmobile.
SpongeBob bit his lip at the thought of taking control of the steering wheel. "Can you hold this?" He gave the box to Squidward. He walked to the front of the boatmobile. "Front end… check." He flicked the antenna of the boat, making it vibrate. "Antenna… check." He walked to the back of the vehicle and crouched down. There was a custom bumper sticker that had the faces of a few of Squidward's self-portraits. "Bumper sticker… check."
Squidward took a deep breath and looked up at the sky. He visualized the many ways SpongeBob could damage his vehicle. 'It's not like I have any other choice.'
SpongeBob squeezed one of the back wheels with both of his hands. "Tire pressure… check. And one more thing." He sat in the driver's seat. He twisted the key in the keyhole until the vehicle turned on. He took a good look at the boat's built-in GPS. "GPS… check. Vehicle inspection complete! We're really making history here, Squid. That lucky customer is going to get the first Krabby Patty Pizza ever." He reached towards the pizza box.
Squidward suddenly realized that SpongeBob had been stalling that whole time. "Good, then you drive." He held the box tighter and sat shotgun. If he could not win the dance contest, he could at least make SpongeBob's time before the victory as painful as possible.
SpongeBob's eyes widened, his jaw dropped a bit, his face drained of color, and he began to sweat. As his hands grasped the steering wheel, he thought of the money Squidward might have to pay or the life that he might take away if he made a wrong turn or did not glance at a mirror. His hands began to tremble. The memory of the parked car he had hit from behind endlessly repeated in his mind. "I can't. I'm still in Boating School," he said quietly with a downward gaze.
Squidward bit his lip as he felt an incoming chuckle. He glanced at the address on the sticky note and put a specific set of coordinates on the GPS. "Come on, SpongeBob. It's just around the corner."
"Well, yeah, but…"
"Just do what you do in school." Squidward laid back.
SpongeBob anxiously glanced at all the buttons and rods near the steering wheel. "Well, okay. Wait, don't tell me."
"Back it up."
"Huh?"
"Back. It. Up." Squidward stopped smiling.
"Alright, back it up." SpongeBob swallowed his lips. He grasped the shift stick but his arm was shaking too much for him to move it.
"Back it up!" Squidward sat up. His brows furrowed.
"Okay, okay." SpongeBob's heartbeat quickened.
"Shift into reverse, SpongeBob!"
"Reverse?" SpongeBob's anxiety began to distort his senses. Squidward sounded like he was speaking from several feet away. The stars in the sky looked like white lines. The words 'FORWARD' and 'BACKWARD' on the shift stick looked as incomprehensible as Korean characters to a monolingual English speaker. "Backing it up!" He pulled the shift stick down and hastily turned the steering wheel until the car was on the road.
VVVVVVRRROOOOOOMMMMMMMM
The boatmobile, while accelerating, was rapidly backing up through the road.
Squidward's eyes bugged out. "Gimme the wheel, SpongeBob! Gimme the wheel!" He dropped the pizza box to his lap and tried to pry SpongeBob's hands off the stick and the wheel.
"Backing up! Backing up!" SpongeBob stared at the road in front of him with blank eyes. His anxiety was so overwhelming that his hands moved through almost instinct alone.
The boatmobile was shaking violently as it was backing up through a large area of rocks.
"Ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ack-i-i-i-i-i-ng up!" SpongeBob was repeatedly bouncing up and down in his seat.
When one of the wheels hit a large rock, the vehicle nearly flipped over and then spun rapidly as it exited the rocky area.
SpongeBob shook back to his senses and gasped. "The shift!" He and Squidward desperately tried to push up the shift stick. However, the shift stick would not budge from the 'BACKWARD' direction.
"BAAAAAAARRRNAAAAAACLEEEEESSS!" Squidward slammed his fist to the car's hood.
S-S-S-S-S
The next day…
S-S-S-S-S
March 26, 2008.
Squidward slowly opened his baggy eyes to a sky of a gradually brightening blue. The boatmobile had stopped backing up and was completely still. SpongeBob, who woke up before him, was glancing at the barren wasteland that surrounded them. The GPS indicated that the two were several miles from Bikini Bottom.
Squidward's isolation from the sweet solace of his tiki reminded him of the shackles that came with his employee hat. He scowled as if SpongeBob was an agent of Atë. "Well... you backed up. And you know what? I think we're out of gas. And you know what else?" He stood up on his seat, held out his hands towards his surroundings, and raised his head towards the sky as if he was praying to Poseidon for a miracle. "We're in the middle of nowhere!" Squidward's yell echoed throughout the desert.
SpongeBob put his hand on the pizza box. "I think the pizza's getting cold."
Squidward put on a scornful mask of concern. "And the pizza's cold? Oh, the pizza's cold. Not the pizza! Oh, how could it get any worse?" He sat down, removed the mask by frowning grumpily, and folded his arms. "We don't know if we're even going to SURVIVE this trip."
SpongeBob firmly held the pizza box with one arm and smiled. "If we just scavenge for some good coral bits, we'll be alright."
S-S-S-S-S
Several minutes later…
S-S-S-S-S
The two employees were walking near the road.
Sunlight was shining directly on Squidward. "Ow, ow, ow." His soles were getting assaulted by the burning sand.
SpongeBob was skipping ahead of Squidward while singing: "The Krusty Krab pizza is the pizza for you and me. The Krusty Krab pizza is the pizza-"
"And my feet are killing me," Squidward added to the song with furrowed brows.
A light bulb lit up in SpongeBob's head. He dove to the ground, rubbed the sand, felt a vibration, and heard a sound.
"Woah." Squidward tripped over SpongeBob and fell with a THUD. "SpongeBob? What are you doing?" He stood up with clenched fists.
When SpongeBob saw a speck on the road rising from the horizon, he giggled. "It's an old pioneer trick. I saw it in a movie once."
Squidward did not dare to look at his watch. His mind had been agonizing him through thoughts about the amount of time SpongeBob and the Krusty Krab had stolen from him. ""SpongeBob, this is no time for-"
"Shh, shh, shh. It's working." SpongeBob grinned in anticipation as the sound of heavy wheels grew louder and louder.
"What is it?" Squidward raised his brow.
SpongeBob jumped to his feet and pointed at an oncoming truck. "Truck! Sixteen wheels. Now I can show you how the pioneers hitchhiked." He dashed to and stood in the middle of the road. He then performed a goofy dance. "WheeEEEeeeeEEEE."
S-S-S-S-S
The truck driver grit his teeth. He put his fingers of one hand together to form an O-shape, the underwater Micronesian equivalent of the middle finger. "Crashin' frashin' break dancer!"
S-S-S-S-S
HOOOOOOONNNNNNK
Squidward jolted at the sound of the horn. He looked at SpongeBob and perceived the frailty of his limbs. He instinctively dove towards SpongeBob and pushed themselves out of the way.
Sand was kicked into the air as the truck passed by.
The two employees waved the sand clouds away.
"Heheh. Oops." SpongeBob smiled nervously. "I should've stepped away much sooner. Thank you so-"
"Just be quiet." Squidward glared at SpongeBob for a few seconds before resuming the arduous walk. He adjusted his employee hat.
S-S-S-S-S
CRRREEEEAK
SLAM
Patrick exited his rock and rubbed his heavy eyes. After several seconds of taking in his surroundings, he noticed that merely silence was coming from the tiki. Squidward would have played his clarinet around that time. He then walked to the tiki's front door. "Squid?" He knocked on the door but there was no response. He then opened the door and stepped into the tiki.
S-S-S-S-S
About a minute later….
S-S-S-S-S
Patrick stepped out of the tiki with furrowed brows and his hand on his chin. 'Why's Squid not there? Doesn't he like staying at home?' He looked at the pineapple. The morning sky was still dark enough for him to see faint traces of light coming from the pineapple's front door. "Maybe Sponge knows something." He walked to the front door and knocked on it.
CREAK
Gary slithered off the doorknob and his eyestalks peeked through the ajar door.
"Is Sponge here? Squid's not at home"
Gary shook his head. "Meow meow."
"Then where you last saw him and Squid?"
"Meow meow."
"Going to work? Hmmm…" Patrick looked at the ground as he scratched his head. When the image of the Krusty Krab passed by, a light bulb lit up. "Time to investigate!" He took out, from his pocket, an ice cream cone from yesterday and put it on his head. "You'll be coming with me." He swiftly picked up Gary by his shell and put him on his shoulder.
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Several minutes later…
S-S-S-S-S
Patrick with gritting teeth, eyes nearly squeezed to a close, and a red face, was futilely attempting to pull open the Krusty Krab's locked double door. "Darn it!" After one more try, he knit his brows and kicked the door. "Why won't this stupid door open?"
"Meow."
Patrick took a deep breath. With the exhale, his frustration began to dissipate. "If somebody owns this place, maybe that guy can open it."
"Meow." Gary was watching someone behind Patrick.
Patrick turned around and saw Mr. Krabs walking towards the restaurant with the keys. He spotted a dollar bill peeking through the pocket of Mr. Krabs' pants and narrowed his eyes. 'No wonder I can't see SpongeBob anymore. He probably did something fishy.' He charged. "Stop right there!" He tackled Mr. Krabs.
"W-woah!" Mr. Krabs struggled to move. Patrick's weight was pinning him to the ground.
Patrick stood up and lifted Mr. Krabs by the shirt. "Where's Sponge and Squid?!" The sight of Mr. Krabs' shaking claws caused him to raise his other hand into a fist. 'He's chicken. That's why he pinches pennies behind people's backs. He's like those bad guys from TV shows!'
"Why'd you do that?!" Mr. Krabs shoved Patrick away and raised his claws into a fighting stance, ready to defend his pirate machismo. "I may have aged, but I can still whoop yer arse to Davy Jone's Locker!"
"Just to let you know, I'm SpongeBob's best friend. I haven't seen Sponge and Squid since the sun went down yesterday. WHERE. ARE. THEY?!"
Mr. Krabs lowered his fists. "They were off deliverin' pizza and I ain't heard from them either."
"What were they doing when you last saw them?"
"Before I left the Krusty Krab for the day, the lads were driving a boatmobile."
Patrick's eyes widened and his fists loosened back to open palms. "Sponge hasn't got that driver card thingy yet. Something really bad must've happened."
Mr. Krabs tucked the loose dollar bill deeper into his pocket. He imagined the tiny amounts of dollars the cash register would receive without SpongeBob and Squidward. He bit his lip. "Y'know what? I'll go with ye. Them two lads be important to me as well. I'll take ye to the customer's address." He turned around and walked towards a certain location.
"'kay." Patrick followed.
S-S-S-S-S
SpongeBob and Squidward were still persistently walking across the barren and uninhabited wilderness. A moderate breeze was blowing against them.
"The Krusty Krab pizza is the pizza for you and me. The Krusty Krab pizza is the free pizza delivery. The Krusty Krab pizza is the pizza very ta-asty." SpongeBob sung as he carried the pizza. He tightly gripped the box so the wind would not blow it out of his hands.
Squidward did not bother to give SpongeBob the validation of making eye contact. The scowl on his face had more or less remained ever since he realized that SpongeBob valued the pizza over their own survival. The distance from his home, the ache in his stomach, and the soreness of his legs all combined to make his blood boil. SpongeBob's complicity to Mr. Krabs' blatant exploitation was becoming unbearable. "SpongeBob, don't you care about anything other than the Krusty Krab?"
"Course I do. I just really like being a fry cook 'cause I worked so hard to get it and like doing it, know'm saying?"
"Do you know how long we've been going without food? The only coral bits we found aren't even edible." Squidward gazed at the flowers in the sky and began to imagine a world where, like a god, he was the one who pulled the strings. Where he would receive praise for whatever he had created and where he could obtain anything at will. After a minute of daydreaming, he glanced at the pizza box and a light bulb lit up.
A gust abruptly came in and pushed SpongeBob and Squidward back by several feet. The pizza box was lifted to the air and flew in the direction of the gust but SpongeBob did not let go. SpongeBob's feet began to soar from the ground.
'Now's my chance.' Squidward smirked, dashed towards SpongeBob, and grabbed his feet. "Why don't you just let go of the pizza? I'll hold it for you."
"Oh no, Squid." SpongeBob swallowed his lips and then shook his head. "I'm not sure you'll be able to handle it. It's for the customer."
"Who cares about the customer!" Squidward's brows furrowed as he attempted to yank the box against the wind. "Maybe teaching you a lesson on priorities will make this trip less of a living Hades!"
SpongeBob began to grip the pizza box so hard that the cardboard began to squeeze. His eyes sparkled as his brows furrowed. "Even if you don't care, I do!"
Squidward grit his teeth and tried to stop their movement by dragging his feet on the ground. "Well I don't!"
The gust shifted to the opposite direction. The dust devil where it originated from abruptly became visible.
"Squid, watch out!" SpongeBob was pushed by the wind directly towards Squidward.
Squidward's heartbeat began to quicken as the dust devil approached the two employees. "Let go of that pizza!" He shakily released one hand and tried to reach the pizza box.
SpongeBob placed the sole of his shoe on Squidward's forehead, taking care not to allow his shoe to hit Squidward's eyes. "No! It's for the customer!"
The dust devil, within a minute, got so close to the two that both pairs of feet were off the ground.
Squidward's eyes widened as his instinctual fears kicked in. "SpongeBob! Hang on to the pizza!" He spat sand out of his mouth as he spoke. He shut his burning eyes as he endured the tosses and turns of the circular winds.
After countless more pushes and shoves from the gusts, the dust devil gradually dissipated.
W-WHAP
Squidward and SpongeBob fell to the ground. Squidward stood up and dusted the sand off his shirt while SpongeBob checked the condition of the pizza.
There were no visible roads within Squidward's line of sight.
Squidward's eyes widened again as he swiftly turned his head and body in all directions. "Where's the road? Where's the road?" His face began to blanch. "We're doomed! How are we gonna get home, which way do we go?"
SpongeBob saw the GPS lying on the ground and picked it up with a grin. He skipped towards Squidward.
"What are we gonna do now! There's no road he-"
SpongeBob was tapping Squidward's shoulder. When Squidward saw him, he handed the GPS.
Squidward scanned the yellow dots on the screen of the GPS. "We're near New Kelp City. At least we made some sort of progress," he muttered.
The two resumed their walking.
"The Krusty Krab pizza absolutivally," SpongeBob resumed his singing. "Pizza... pizza..." He then, for several seconds, made drum sounds by tapping under the pizza box. He then sung in a deep voice: "Krusty KrAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAb pizza is the pizza, yeah, for you and," his voice shifted to a higher note, "MeeeeeEEEEEEeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEeeeeee!"
Squidward cringed while gritting his teeth and covering his ears. SpongeBob's song felt like salt being rubbed into his dry mouth. When he opened his eyes, he frowned at the sight of SpongeBob's oblivious smile. "Don't you see? Without eating, you won't be able to work anymore. You can't work without a body."
SpongeBob swallowed his lips and held onto the pizza with both arms. "Good point. But no matter what, this pizza is for the customer only. I can't soil the Krusty Krab's image." He glanced at the sky flowers in the hope of spotting a sign from the gods. He smiled. "We don't have to eat this pizza anyway. If we think positive, we'll find some edible coral bits in no time."
Squidward folded his arms. "SpongeBob, this isn't a kid's story. This is real life. No matter how much you want to be loyal to that poor excuse of restaurant, there's no guarantee you'll be given some magical reward from Zeus."
SpongeBob began to detect Squidward's rising irritation. He picked his words as if they were steps through a minefield. "You heard of karma? It's something that some air-dwellers and sea-folk near the Indian ocean believe in. I think the idea's that if you keep doing good deeds, good things will happen to you." His forced grin became wobbly when he saw Squidward's dagger-like glare.
"How is starving your neighbor a good thing?" Squidward nearly yelled. "If this 'karma' exists, it wouldn't even apply here. The pantheon ruling over us would prevent it."
SpongeBob's brows furrowed in concern. One of his hands touched his chin. "Squid, I don't think the gods ruling over us are that harsh. They don't influence our government for a reason."
Squidward put his hands on his hips. "Pfff! Like all gods and bosses wield power selflessly. Don't you realize that you're licking your master's boots? Mr. Krabs is an ex-pirate for a reason. He wanted to suck out as much money from me as possible, no matter how nasty the conditions get. I bet you'll change your mind once the real Hades kicks in."
SpongeBob kept his gaze towards the ground for a long time before gently asking: "Did you really want your job as a cashier?"
"Nope. Unlike you, I work in the Krusty Krab out of sheer survival. If that doesn't describe a dead-end to you, I don't know what will."
"Maybe he would've treated you better if you had a good night's sleep so you wouldn't have to nap during work-hours," SpongeBob spoke softly. "Mr. Krabs is flawed like the rest of us. If you leave a better impression, he might give you more perks. The Krusty Krab doesn't have to be Hades-like."
The heat of the sun, for Squidward, was becoming intolerable. "Why're you giving me advice? You're the one that forced me to stay up to the wee hours of the morning while you were partying with jellyfish. You're also the newbie here, not me."
SpongeBob winced and put a hand over his mouth. He noticed that the sun's rays was beginning to darken Squidward's forehead. "Maybe you should calm down, Squid. I don't think all this talking is gonna help us. If we made it this far to delivering the pizza, I don't see a point in giving up now."
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Forty-five minutes later…
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The two employees were trudging along while sweating heavily.
SpongeBob's grip on the pizza was weak. When his legs could no longer tolerate the punishing trek, he fell to the ground.
Squidward allowed himself to fall to the ground. His stomach grumbled. The emptiness was so painful that he felt like the lower half of his body was going to explode. "Sponge, we gotta eat something."
"I heard in times of hardship, the pioneers would eat coral," SpongeBob spoke raspily. His eyes were half-closed.
"Didn't you say something like that before?" Squidward raised his brow. "We couldn't eat none of the coral we found."
SpongeBob glanced at the pizza and realized that committing mutiny against Mr. Krabs had gradually became more tempting. He gaze returned to Squidward when his mouth began to water. "Oh, right. Maybe it was sand… no, mud."
"SpongeBob, quit deluding yourself. I'm almost certain you want to eat that pizza too." Squidward stood up and marched towards SpongeBob. "Give me that pizza and let's get it over with!"
SpongeBob stood up as well. His grip on the pizza became as firm as before. "No, we promised it's for the customer." He began to back away.
A light bulb suddenly lit up in Squidward's head. He stopped marching and wore a smile. "You're right. It's for the customer."
"Yeah." SpongeBob wiped some sweat from his brow.
"Maybe we should check on it, y'know, just to make sure it's okay." Squidward's smile became wider as he attempted to resist the urge to chuckle. When he perceived doubt in SpongeBob's face, he raised his index finger. "Just a peek."
SpongeBob opened the box when Squidward stood next to him. The pizza had not changed at all. "Okay, it's fine." He abruptly closed the box when the pizza's scent began to waft. He swallowed the saliva his mouth had immediately produced.
"No, I think I saw something." Squidward opened the box. "Oh no, I was wrong. It looks okay. Sure is a fine looking pizza." He licked his lips, locking on to his target.
"Yeah…" SpongeBob gazed at the pizza and decided to embrace the pleasant scent of the cooked crust, spicy pepperoni, and melted cheese. He slowly nodded.
"What's that? Is that the cheese?" Squidward pointed at the pizza. His grin had become a smirk.
"Yeah." SpongeBob's mouth was watering but he did not to close the box yet.
"And the pepperoni?"
"Yeah."
"Oh, looks good, huh?" Squidward was gradually moving his hand towards the pizza.
SpongeBob abruptly perceived Squidward's hand and gasped. "Wait a second, I know what you're trying to do." He furrowed his brows and closed the box. "I'm not letting you eat the pizza!" He adjusted his employee hat.
"Give me the pizza!" Squidward stomped towards the yellow pest.
"No!" SpongeBob began backing away. His heartbeat began to quicken when he noticed the increase in Squidward's speed.
"Don't make me take it away from you, SpongeBob!" Squidward stuffed his employee hat into his shirt pocket so it would not fall off.
"Get away!" SpongeBob began to run.
"Get back here, SpongeBob. Give me the pizza!" Squidward chased him.
"No!"
"SpongeBob!"
"No!"
"Wait!" Squidward held out both hands towards SpongeBob.
"No!"
"I want that pizza and you're gonna hand it over one way or another!" Squidward yelled while gritting his teeth. He leaned forward.
SpongeBob perceived a large marked rock that was not too far away from his and Squidward's location. He immediately recognized what it was. He grinned and leaped to the sky. "Look, we're saved!"
Squidward rolled his eyes. "Sure, we're gonna be saved when YOU GIVE ME SOME PIZZA!" Seizing the opportunity of SpongeBob's slowed speed, he sprinted.
"No, really Squid, we're saved! We're saved! We're saved!" SpongeBob was hopping towards the rock. Each hop made each of Squidward's attempts to grab him fail.
"Will you cut that out?!"
"Saved, saved, saved, saved! Saved, saved, saved, saved, saved, saved!" SpongeBob was chanting as he drummed the pizza box in a conga beat. He quickly regained his former running speed. "Saved, saved, saved, saved, saved, saved! Saved, saved, saved, saved, saved, saved! Saved, we are saved!"
Squidward looked at what had caught SpongeBob's attention. His eyes became half-closed in disbelief. He folded his arms. "That's just a stupid boulder."
SpongeBob was now only a few steps away from the rock. The magical aboriginal-like symbols that it had been marked with were clearly visible. "It's not just a boulder." He sniffed as his eyes moistened with euphoric tears. "It's a rock." He hugged the rock. "It's a big, beautiful, magical rock." He climbed the rock. When he reached top, he stroked it. "Oh, the pioneers used to ride these babies for miles, and it's in great shape."
By that point in time, Squidward's hunger and anger had fully clouded his mind. "SpongeBob, will you forget the stupid pioneers?! Have you ever noticed that there are none of them left? That's because they were lousy hitchhikers, ate coral and took directions from algae! And now, you're telling me they thought they could drive-"
"Ahem." The dolphin tribe member who had marked the rock peeked from behind. "You travelers need help?"
"Oh…" Squidward's eyes widened.
An awkward pause.
"Squid, I thought you remembered who the pioneers were." SpongeBob was looking at Squidward from above and was smiling awkwardly.
Squidward looked up and perceived that SpongeBob's legs had wrapped tightly around the pizza box. He sighed. "Let's just get this ordeal out of my memories," he muttered. He climbed the rock. When he reached the top, he sat as far away from SpongeBob as possible without risking a fall.
The dolphin climbed to the rock's top. "Where you guys wanna go?"
SpongeBob took out a note from his pocket that had the customer's address. He showed it to the nomad.
"Hmm, I think I know where that is. I've been to the city a few times." The dolphin sat in the center of the rock's summit. "But you'll have to guide me a bit."
"Okee-dokee." SpongeBob did a thumbs-up.
The dolphin raised both hands towards the sky. Within several seconds, his body glowed a light-blue aura.
The rock began to purr like the engine of a boatmobile.
Squidward's jaw dropped.
The dolphin held his hands forward as if he was holding a steering wheel. He pushed his right leg as if he was pressing a gas pedal.
VRRROOOOOMMMM
The rock 'drove' towards Bikini Bottom. It left a trail as it moved.
S-S-S-S-S
Ten minutes later…
S-S-S-S-S
The dolphin 'parked' the rock near a certain house.
"Thanks a lot!" SpongeBob waved towards the dolphin with a grin as he and Squidward slid to the ground. He ran towards the house as if it was the cauldron that marked the end of an olympic torch relay. "I can't wait to see the look on our customer's face!"
DING DONG
SpongeBob pressed the doorbell
Squidward lazily walked towards the house while glancing at his watch.
Crreeeaak
"Yeah?" A chubby male fish opened the door.
SpongeBob's limbs began to shake at the thought of how proud Mr. Krabs was going to be of him. "Congratulations, sir. Your Krabby Patty pizza is here!" He held out the pizza towards the customer.
The chubby man took hold of the pizza box. "Wow, thanks. I've been dying for one of these. It…" He cocked his brow. "Where's my drink?"
SpongeBob immediately stopped smiling. "What drink?" He folded his hands together.
The chubby man furrowed his brows. "My drink? My diet Dr. Kelp. Don't tell me you forgot the drink!"
SpongeBob held out his trembling index finger. "But, you didn't order any-"
"How am I supposed to eat this pizza without my drink?!" The chubby man put his hands on his hips.
Squidward's eyes narrowed. The customer's mannerisms were akin to that of a familiar arch-rival.
"But… but…." SpongeBob's eyes began to moisten.
"Didn't you ever once think of the customer?" The chubby man shoved the pizza back into SpongeBob's hands. "You call yourself a delivery boy? Well I ain't buying!" He grabbed the doorknob.
Squidward's gaze fell to the ground as he contemplated.
S-S-S-S-S
A teenage Squidward was creating an intricate painting for art class. Each stroke of his brush was very subtle. Each color he picked he had carefully thought out. The process of making the painting felt like it had taken forever.
Squiliam, a boy whose uniform was made out of the finest materials his richest parents could afford, walked up to Squidward's painting. He saw Squidward's furrowed brows of determination and then smirked devilishly. "Squid, that's not how you're supposed to do it. I don't think this follows the teacher's rules."
Squidward suddenly thought of the teacher's and the students' possible reactions. In an attempt to hide his fear, he scowled at Squilliam and then doggedly continued painting. He did not dare to ask the teacher about the assignment's requirements since some of his classmates had ears just as predatory as Squilliam's eyes.
Squilliam shook his head. "This thing has way too many colors. Whaddya think you're making? A rainbow?" He chuckled and then walked over to his own painting. "Hey, guys! Isn't my painting better than Squid's? How can Mr. Brown like the trash he just made?"
Squilliam's associates gathered around Squilliam's painting, chattered for several seconds, and then nodded in agreement.
Squilliam pointed at Squidward's painting.
Squilliam's group looked at Squidward's painting and began to chuckle and giggle.
Squidward, resisting the urge to look at the classmates behind him, sighed as he reviewed his painting. 'There's some things I hadn't touched up. Darn, looks like it's too late anyway.' He could not tell if his own criticism was of his own volition or as submission towards Squilliam. He pushed away the feelings of uncertainty as quickly as they had appeared. "I'll prove him wrong. I can paint something way better than this one." He grabbed an empty canvas. However, he knew that all of the effort he had put into his previous painting will go to waste.
S-S-S-S-S
VRRROOOOMMM
Squidward glanced at his watch again. Thinking about the countless extra hours that the customer will take away caused him to clench his fists.
SpongeBob was walking back with a fake smile on his face. Tears were slowly beginning to run down his cheeks. He was stuffing away his emotions like the younger Squidward had done.
Squidward took a deep breath. His negative inner voice and the agony he had to endure throughout the journey faded away. "Sponge?" He slowly walked up to SpongeBob. "Sponge?" He put his hand on SpongeBob's shoulder. "It's okay. Sponge?" His brows were furrowed in genuine concern.
SpongeBob dropped the pizza box to the ground. He fell to the ground face-first and began to sob. With every puddle of tears that formed, he reabsorbed it.
Squidward crouched near SpongeBob. "Sponge?" After nearly a minute of silence, he looked up at the front door of the customer's house. With a scowl of righteousness, he grabbed the pizza box and marched to the front door.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
Squidward was knocking on the door so hard that he was nearly punching it.
Crrreeaak
The chubby man folded his arms. "Another one? Look, I told your little friend I ain't paying for that!"
Squidward smirked. "Well, this one's on the house!" He slammed the pizza box to the customer's face and then slammed the door shut.
SpongeBob was gazing at Squidward. His eyes were moistening again, but the tears that were forming did not source from dismay. The kernel of light that he struggled for so long to pry out of Squidward was being revealed to him. It seemed like the Pantheon had answered his prayers. "D-d-did he change his mind?"
Squidward was smiling calmly, savoring the feeling of victory. "He sure did. Ate the whole thing in one bite."
"No drink?" SpongeBob stood up.
"Nah…" Squidward perceived that the magical rock had disappeared. He raised his brow. "Those pioneers aren't very loyal."
SpongeBob shrugged with a smile. "Well, they're hunters, so they always gotta be on the go-" He was abruptly hugged by Patrick.
"I thought you were a goner!" Patrick burrowed his face into SpongeBob's forehead. After several seconds, he let go. "Who kidnapped you?"
SpongeBob giggled and grinned. "Nobody did that. I just got nervous when driving Squid's car and so we then got lost in the middle of nowhere and then we got hit by a dust devil and then we saw one of those Kelp forest natives on a rock and he then drove the rock to the customer's house-"
Patrick stared into space as he struggled to grasp SpongeBob's enthusiastic run-on.
Mr. Krabs patted SpongeBob on the shoulder. "Glad t'know you're safe. I couldn't think of a way to run me business without you."
"Really? I'm that important already?" SpongeBob clasped his hands together. His eyes sparkled.
"Ar ar ar! Of course, lad. I've never seen a fry cook feed them anchovies so quickly." Mr. Krabs perceived that his two employees were no longer carrying the pizza box. "You lads delivered the pizza, right?"
SpongeBob rapidly nodded. "Yep."
Mr. Krabs' eyes widened slightly. "I hadn't seen a crewmate starve himself for his captain either." He put his claws on his hips and smiled in satisfaction. "You could've gotten scurvy on those long sea voyages if you didn't hoard fruit."
"Oh, it wasn't that tough." SpongeBob glanced at Squidward from the corner of his eye. His smile lessened and he dug the ground with one of his shoes. "Although Squid was a bit hungry." He leaned in towards the crustacean, glanced at Squidward again, bit his lip, and whispered: "I had to keep the box away from him."
Mr. Krabs folded his arms. "That's alright. You already know Squid isn't the most crewmate."
Hearing the word 'hungry' caused Patrick's stomach to grumble. "All that talk's making me hungry again." He turned towards SpongeBob. "Hey, Sponge, you got any spare Krabby Patties?"
SpongeBob looked in Squidward's direction again and perceived how Squidward had not adjusted his tilted employee hat. He scratched his chin as images of Krabby Patties and Squidward's starving desperation passed through his mind. After seemingly endless seconds, the memories all fused together to form a lit light bulb. 'Y'know, if Squid could have one taste of a Krabby Patty, maybe working in the Krusty Krab wouldn't be so miserable for him anymore. If he can understand what he's working for, maybe he can find a purpose for doing his job.' He smiled warmly.
Squidward was staring at the horizon with a face mixed with deadpaness and dejection. His ordeal of wasted time and unbearable hunger was not affirmed by his overseer.
S-S-S-S-S
A few hours later…
S-S-S-S-S
Squidward carried a tray that had an extra-large Krabby Patty and a large packet of french fries. He gave the tray to a young male sitting on a table by himself. "Here you go, sir. A King-Size Ultra Krabby Supreme with the works, double batter fried," he droned with half-closed eyes. He took out a popsicle stick and poked it into the Krabby Patty, "On a stick."
"Thanks." The young man smiled and began to eat the french fries.
Squidward walked away from the table. "Barnacle head," he muttered.
The young man noticed that there was something missing in his food. "Excuse me?"
Squidward grabbed a mayonnaise bottle from the condiment stand. He already knew what the customer had forgotten to do. He had encountered so many obstacles during his work in the Krusty Krab that finding a solution was as simple as a robot following the orders it had been programmed to fulfill. "You forgot your mayonnaise." He walked back to the young man's table and squeezed the mayonnaise towards the Krabby Patty.
"Thanks." The young man held the stick and began to eat his Krabby Patty.
Squidward walked back to the boat and laid down in it. He watched the customers eating their meals and slightly cringed. "Look at them, eating that garbage." He gazed at the ceiling as he tried once again to escape his jail cell through fantasy. From the corner of his eye, he could see SpongeBob performing dance moves as he served food to customers. He dwelled on the fact that his coworker could be the very reason he will lose the dance contest, and thus reinforce his status as wage slave. 'If I'm gonna be trapped in this place, I can at least resist it as much as possible.' He folded his arms. The smell of the burgers and the swishing of the bathroom door caused him to tighten his fists. "Hmph. It's disgusting. They're sickening. I hate Krabby Patties," he muttered.
SpongeBob overheard Squidward as he walked back to the kitchen door while holding an empty plate. He giggled. "Good one, Squid," he blurted.
Squidward took a deep breath and looked at SpongeBob with a deadpan face. "Good what?"
"Like you don't know." SpongeBob chuckled. The face Squidward was showing suddenly reminded him of his idea that he thought up of earlier. He bit his lip, glanced at the floor as he placed his words together, and then looked up with a preserved smile. "Everybody loves Krabby Patties," he spoke softly.
Squidward rolled his eyes. "Yeah, well, not me." He picked up a magazine of music reviews and began to read it.
SpongeBob's eyes widened. He quickly lost his forced smile. "But Squid, how can you say you don't like Krabby Patties if you never tasted one?"
"That's my opinion." Squidward folded his arms. "Never had one. Never will."
"W-what?" Nearly all of SpongeBob's previous thoughts scrambled to disarray.
Squidward looked towards the boat's front and noticed that a line of customers was forming. He sighed, put down his magazine, and sat up. He looked at SpongeBob and then bit his tongue as he tried to hide his devilish grin. 'Milking some reactions out of him might make this day worth my aching legs.' "I never had a Krabby Patty! I never had a Krabby Patty! I never had a Krabby Patty!"
SpongeBob stepped back with one hand over his mouth. 'I gotta give him one real soon. No wonder he acts so mean.' He swiftly entered the kitchen.
SLAM
S-S-S-S-S
Twenty-five minutes later…
S-S-S-S-S
The line of customers had disappeared. All of their orders had been served.
Squidward had resumed reading his magazine. SpongeBob's look of shock had not left his memory. He imagined the restaurant's burgers secretly containing drugged elixirs used in cults. 'How can he even like them? It's like Mr. Krabs brainwashed him or something. Maybe he doesn't want to lose his paycheck, like me.' He chuckled.
SpongeBob peeked through the ordering window and smiled. 'Now's my chance.' He placed a freshly-cooked Krabby Patty on a plate. He then leaned out of the window as much as he could as he stealthily placed the plate on the area of the boat that Squidward was not lying on. "Here, try this," he whispered.
Squidward frowned and moved to the edge of the boat. "Get that garbage outta my face," he uttered with closed teeth. He then slapped the Krabby Patty to the floor.
SpongeBob gasped and dove to the dining room's floor. He gently took hold of the slightly bruised Krabby Patty and held it out towards Squidward. His eyes gained a slight sheen of moisture. "If you try it, you'll love it."
Squidward rolled his eyes. "Hmph! Try one of those radioactive sludge-balls you call food? Next, I suppose you'll want me to go square-dancing with Patrick." He tried to cover SpongeBob's presence by pulling the magazine closer.
SpongeBob tip-toed towards the boat. He then inched the plate towards Squidward. As the Krabby Patty moved closer to Squidward's mouth, his grin gradually widened. "C'mon, you're gonna-"
"No." Squidward slapped the Krabby Patty again. 'How does he expect me to eat that when he didn't give me any pizza?! No matter what he says, I won't let him influence me.' With brows furrowed in determination, he sat straight and gripped the magazine.
SpongeBob caught the Krabby Patty like an American football player and landed on the floor. He jumped to his feet. He took a wide step towards the boat, stuck his tongue out slightly, and held the Krabby Patty behind Squidward's head. "Whoops! What's that in your ear?" He 'pulled out' the burger and held it before Squidward's face.
"Quit it." Squidward leaned against the wall and nearly covered his face with the magazine as he read it.
"C'mon, open wide." SpongeBob stood on one foot in a ballet pose and held the Krabby Patty in front of the magazine.
Squidward slapped the magazine to his lap. He was scowling. "SpongeBob, if I were trapped at the bottom of a well, for three years, with nothing to eat but that Krabby Patty, I'd eat my own legs first..." He stood up and stomped out of the boat. "...and not just the extra ones." He then marched through the kitchen doorway towards the restaurant's back exit.
S-S-S-S-S-S
CRREEAAAK
SLAM
Squidward slowly walked away from the restaurant. He closed his eyes and took several deep breaths. He focused on the sensations he felt with every step he took. He visualized himself walking on a tightrope between two skyscrapers while balancing a barbell. 'I can't bend to his will.' After a few minutes, thoughts of the yellow officer attempting to imprison him began to fade away. Memories of his pizza-deprived stomach quickly pushed away the temptations that SpongeBob was offering.
"But it's good for you." SpongeBob had tip-toed so quietly he seemingly appeared out of nowhere. He fell to one knee and held out the Krabby Patty with one hand. His pleading eyes were grasping for the kernel of warmth lying behind the wall of Squidward's coldness.
Squidward tightened his fists, sighed, and turned around. "Good for you? That thing is a heart attack on a bun." He folded his arms.
SpongeBob stood up with moistened eyes. "That's not true. Krabby Patties are some of the healthiest burgers you can eat. None of the ingredients are processed in factories with those nasty chemicals. They're all natural. Not only is it physically good for you..." He smiled angelically. "...it's good for your soul."
Squidward rolled his eyes. "Oh, puh-lease." He then blurted back: "I have no soul." The folds in his face caused by his scowl made him look like a demon.
A light bulb lit up in SpongeBob's head. He grinned. "Okay, just a half."
"No." Squidward proceeded to walk towards the Krusty Krab.
"A quarter?" SpongeBob began to follow him.
"No."
"One bite?"
"No." Squidward stomped back to the kitchen.
S-S-S-S-S
Several minutes later…
S-S-S-S-S
Behind a closed stall door, Squidward was sitting on a toilet in the bathroom. He was still reading the magazine. When he heard the opening and closing of the door to the dining room and the familiar squeaks of shoes belonging to a certain person, he cocked his brow. He stood up, cleaned up after himself, lifted the lid, and flushed the toilet. He did a whistle of faux nonchalance as he opened the stall door.
SpongeBob was standing before him. He suddenly held out the Krabby Patty an inch away from Squidward's face. "Just smell it."
"If I didn't want it out there, what makes you think I'd find it more appealing in here?!" Squidward walked back into his stall, SLAMmed the stall door to a close, and sat on the toilet with folded arms.
S-S-S-S-S
Ten minutes later…
S-S-S-S-S
With baggy eyes from an interrupted nap, Squidward was sloppily cleaning dishes with a soap-soaked towel.
SpongeBob picked up from the kitchen table the same spare Krabby Patty and then strolled towards Squidward. "C'mon, Squid." He held the burger near the side of Squidward's head.
"No."
S-S-S-S-S
Twenty-five minutes later…
S-S-S-S-S
Squidward, with his head leaning on one hand, was putting coins into the cash register. When he finished that mindless task, he closed the register. A yellow hand holding a Krabby Patty abruptly appeared.
"One bite."
"No." Squidward laid down on the boat and opened his novel. The book's pages quickly covered any trace of SpongeBob's face.
S-S-S-S-S
An hour later…
S-S-S-S-S
SpongeBob stepped into Mr. Krabs' office. He was holding a lunch box of homemade food. "Hey Mr. Krabs, can we have the lunch break now?"
"Hmm…" Mr. Krabs counted the dollars that yesterday's profits consisted of. He then looked through the open door to check how many customers were in the dining room. "Go ahead."
SpongeBob grinned, stepped out of the office, and closed the door.
S-S-S-S-S
"It's breaktime." SpongeBob looked at Squidward and gave a thumbs-up.
'My favorite time of the workday.' Squidward smiled slightly and opened his own lunchbox. It had personally handmade ornate designs. He began eating his kelp and coral sandwich. He had boiled the coral just right and the kelp had been carefully picked. He kicked back with his two feet on the boat's edge.
Patrick was holding a plate of three freshly warm Krabby Patties. He was glancing at the tables, unsure of which one to pick. As he walked aimlessly, he noticed that the floorboards had a certain dustiness and roughness that felt almost like a rug. He then sat on the floor against the metal wall that divided the dining room from the other rooms. As he began eating one Krabby Patty, he noticed a familiar smell wafting from the boat. He looked in Squidward's direction and saw what he was eating. "Is that a coral sandwich?"
Squidward looked atPatrick from the corner of his eye. Unlike the overwhelming energy of SpongeBob, Patrick had a tranquil air. However, he could see SpongeBob approaching Patrick. He put a hand on his chin. "Yeah."
"It kinda smells like something I ate when I was a kid." Patrick smiled gradually as he turned his gaze to the glass windows. The sunlit sky melted into a domestic kitchen ceiling.
Squidward shrugged.
"Y'know, to make food like that to smell so good, it's kinda like an art." Patrick was still gazing into space. The vivid recollections of the aromas of his childhood food nearly put him in a trance.
Squidward raised his brow and rubbed his chin. "What would you know about art? Your home is a plain rock and you don't even clean that place up either."
"I may be dumb about some types of art," Patrick looked at Squidward again and raised his 'finger', "but food is one art that I know the most. Seeing all the details someone puts in a pizza or a Krabby Patty makes it all the tastier."
Squidward looked at the floor for a few seconds before speaking. "For once, I'll have to agree with you. Absorbing the subtle details put in a painting is, in my opinion, one of the greatest pleasures the eyes can have." He sat up and returned his gaze to the magazine. "But in order for a piece of art to have its maximum effect, it has to be done exactly right."
Patrick slowly shook his head. "I don't think that's true."
"Hm?" Squidward looked at Patrick from the corner of his eye and folded his arms. "What if the food's badly cooked or prepared? There's a certain process that all artists have to do in order to be minimally passable. And trust me, I have mastered it."
"But isn't art about thinking outside the box?" Patrick stopped smiling. His face became more solemn. "I'm not sure if this will make you mad or not, but you can't make those paintings of yourself forever. You have to branch out eventually. I did some detective work while you guys were still delivering the pizza 'cause I got worried if you'd come back or not. When I was looking for clues, I couldn't use the same method since I'd soon run out of clues. You have to try something new, y'know? That's why I went to Mr. Krabs for info." He gazed at the ceiling as his uncensored thoughts flowed into words. "I'd had to think outside the box too when I ate a kelp sandwich for the first time. When Ma tried to make me eat it, I didn't want to since it looked yucky. But when I finally tried it, it tasted really good. Sometimes you should just go with the flow. You don't have to keep doing the same old boring stuff."
Squidward's brows furrowed. Patrick's words were piercing into a forbidden domain. He perceived that SpongeBob was sitting next to Patrick. He moved the magazine closer to his face until the other two were just yellow and pink dots. "Just shut up," he nearly yelled.
S-S-S-S-S
An hour later…
S-S-S-S-S
Squidward exited the restaurant while holding two trash bags. Mr. Krabs had caught him reading and had then ordered him to take out the trash. With a deadpan face, he tossed the two bags into the dumpster.
SpongeBob jumped out from behind the dumpster and held out the Krabby Patty. "You won't be sorry." He smiled playfully.
"No!" Squidward stomped towards the back door.
SpongeBob skipped towards Squidward and blocked the way to the back door. "It's delicious…" He held out the Krabby Patty with both hands.
"Listen, SpongeBob, how long are you prepared to keep this up?" Squidward glared at SpongeBob and folded his arms.
SpongeBob hopped towards Squidward and stood next to him as if the two were handcuffed to each other. He held the Krabby Patty less than an inch before Squidward's mouth. 'C'mon, Squid. It's not so hard. Just one bite, and that'll be it.'
'If I don't give in, he'll keep doing this 'til who knows when. Let's just get this over with.' Squidward sighed. "Give me that!" He snatched the Krabby Patty. He stared at the burger. He struggled to fight back against revealing how delicious the burger smelled and looked to him, which would only confirm what the yellow pest said. "When I die… you stay away from my funeral." He stepped away from SpongeBob and gulped nervously. "Ohh... do I really..."
SpongeBob could no longer control his excitement. "Ahhhhhhh..." He jumped up and down.
Squidward slowly opened his mouth.
"Eeeeeeee... oooh-oooh-oooh..." SpongeBob's heartbeat was quickening.
Squidward took a very small bite from the Krabby Patty. He suddenly remembered the first time he tried a Krabby Patty, when his parents had brought him to the restaurant as a child. A time when he still had innocence, when he was genuinely happy and not as grumpy, when his dreams were feasible, when he did not hide behind his ego-hardened shell; and when no outside forces had ripped his life apart yet. He unconsciously smiled but SpongeBob's employee hat only reminded him that he had been kicked out of his Elysium and trapped into a Hades. He quickly wore a mask of disgust. "Why... this Krabby Patty may be the most… HORRIBLE, PUTRID, POORLY PREPARED, VILE..."
SpongeBob's pupils shrunk and his jaw dropped. 'Am I dreaming?'
"UNAPPETIZING, disgusting excuse for a sandwich, that has ever been my displeasure to have slithered down my throat!" Squidward's face was red, making his mask look genuine.
SpongeBob struggled to gather his words. "But-"
Squidward threw the Krabby Patty to the ground and furiously stomped on it. "And I curse this Krabby Patty, and all who enjoy them, to an early and well-deserved grave!" He grabbed a small rock and put it over the crushed burger as if the rock was a tombstone. He turned to look at SpongeBob and wore a deadpan face. "Get it?"
SpongeBob shook back to his senses. His brows furrowed in concern. "But, it doesn't make any sense. The Krabby Patty is an absolute good. Nobody is immune to its tasty charm."
"Nobody but me." Squidward marched towards the back door with his arms folded. His legs began to tremble as he moved further away from the soiled Krabby Patty.
SpongeBob quickly perceived what Squidward's legs were doing. He put his hand just below his mouth. "Are you sure?"
Squidward turned around and made a face that was a mix of deadpan and the fiercest glare he could possibly express. His facial features contorted to the point where he seemingly looked like a zombie. He pointed at his face. "Does this look unsure to you?"
SpongeBob jumped in fright. "No." He bit his lip.
Squidward took a deep breath and wore an air of calmness. "Good! Now spread the word." He leaned against the restaurant's back wall.
SpongeBob tried to hold back his tears. The sight of Squidward ruining that good Krabby Patty was constantly replaying in his mind. He entered the Krusty Krab with a CRREEAAK SLAM.
A pause.
Squidward's eyes began to moisten as the memories of a time before Squilliam's intrusion continued to pass by. He ran towards the Krabby Patty's 'grave'. "C'mon! C'mon! C'mon!" He tossed the rock to the side and grabbed the soiled Krabby Patty. "Ah… still alive!" He rapidly consumed the burger's 'remains'. "Oh, soooo delicious. All the wasted years…!" Like a drug, the burger freed his mind from the torture imposed on him by his masters. As long as he clung to the taste of Krabby Patties and the images of the former utopia that accompanied it, he could push through the onerous workdays. "I gotta have more. I gotta have more!" He dashed to the back door and opened it slightly.
Squidward watched SpongeBob cook some Krabby Patties. His eyes then narrowed as the burger's after-taste faded. He imagined the smug smile SpongeBob would have if he got caught eating Krabby Patties. 'But wait! After that performance, he'd never let me live it down. I gotta sneak one. Just one, then… I'm off the stuff for good!' With fists clenched in spite, he slipped through the ajar door and closed it.
S-S-S-S-S
A few minutes later…
S-S-S-S-S
SpongeBob was flipping several patties as he talked to himself. "I didn't think it was possible, but, I guess some people just don't like Krabby Patties." He was struggling to stay afloat in the dark sea of confusion and mystery.
Squidward hesitantly looked through the ordering window. "Uhh, SpongeBob?" When SpongeBob made eye contact with him, he swiftly wiped away a developing sweatdrop.
"Yes, Squid?" SpongeBob smiled slightly.
"I need a Triple Krabby Supreme on a kelp bun..." A small, wobbly smile inadvertently formed on Squidward's face. "...w-with extra sea pickles a-and burn it to a crisp, okay?"
"Coming right up!" SpongeBob resumed flipping several patties. After a minute, he stopped smiling and resumed direct eye contact. "Listen, Squid. I want to apologize for before. I was only trying to make you happy."
Squidward rolled his eyes. His mouth watered more and more with each flip of the patties.
"But I guess deep down inside, I was only trying to make myself happy. You didn't want to eat it, I didn't respect your wishes. Kinda like when I annoy while you're playing your clarinet." SpongeBob gazed at the glass windows with slightly moistened eyes. "Hehe. Looks like I caught myself again with my old habits." His smile was crooked. "I don't want to keep bugging you like I used to."
'Pfff, too bad he considered that pizza more important than me.' Squidward rolled his eyes again and folded his arms. 'Just give me that patty!'
S-S-S-S-S
Less than a minute later…
S-S-S-S-S
SpongeBob placed the Triple Krabby Supreme on a plate. He then stepped out of the kitchen. "Y'know, it's not often I get to make one like this." He smiled gently and looked at the customers sitting in the tables. "I wanna see the look on their face when they take that first bite." He briskly walked to the middle of the dining room. "Triple Krabby Supreme! Triple Krabby Supreme! Did someone order a Triple Krabby Supreme?" He glanced at the customers. No one stood up to get the burger. "Huh, they must've left." He bit his lip.
Squidward scratched his chin. "Well, why don't you just, uh, leave it out here, in case they come back."
"Nooope." SpongeBob shook his head. "A patty this special should be eaten fresh, and... well... I haven't had one of these babies in over twenty minutes, so..." He ate the burger slowly, savoring its taste, gulped it down, and licked his fingers. "Well, whoever they were, the had great taste." He grinned and licked his lips. "They don't know what they're missing. Well, back to work."
Squidward furrowed his brows. How SpongeBob ate that burger, to him, looked like a taunt. His chin rested on his closed fist as he contemplated with narrowed eyes. After a few minutes of thought, a light bulb lit up. He rationalized that if he kept his acquired taste for Krabby Patties a secret, he would still be rebelling against the oppression of the restaurant and the yellow pest's influence. "What do I have to do? Eat one outta the garbage?" he loudly whispered to himself.
A young man who had a bloated belly walked up to a trash can while holding an uneaten fresh Krabby Patty. "I wish I could eat this, but I'm so darn full. Oh well. " He dropped the burger to the top of the trash can's trash. The man then walked towards the double door.
'I hate to say garbage…' Squidward glanced at the ordering window and then smirked devilishly. "...but, okay!" He jogged to the trash can and grabbed the Krabby Patty.
SpongeBob looked through the ordering window, saw the Krabby Patty, and gasped. "Oh no…" He dove through the ordering window, landed on the floor, stood up, ran towards the burger, and snatched it. "What's this doing here?!" He checked the burger's bottom and saw a stain of trash. His eyes moistened. "T-this patty should be cremated." He clung the Krabby Patty over his heart. He ran back to the kitchen.
"Wait!" Squidward held out a hand towards SpongeBob. 'I can't miss this chance!' He swiftly followed.
SpongeBob entered the kitchen first and Squidward entered after him.
SpongeBob quickly removed the deep fryer's nets and dropped the burger into the fryer. He then took off his employee hat, held it near his heart, and lowered his gaze to the floor as if he was at a funeral. He saw Squidward from a corner in his blurred vision. "I-it means so much that you came." He wiped his moistened eyes with his hat and put it back on.
Squidward frowned, tightened his fists, and marched back to the boat. 'Dammit.'
S-S-S-S-S
Several hours later…
S-S-S-S-S
10:15 PM.
In his bedroom, Squidward was sleeping in a weird position. It was a result of agonizing minutes of frustration. His hands looked like they were clenching the sheets.
S-S-S-S-S
Squidward was in the living room. He was sitting on a chair and was sobbing while his hands concealed his face. He had been thrown into an expanding abyss of depression and despair.
"But when I finally tried it, it tasted really good. Sometimes you should go with the flow and just try something. You don't have to keep doing the same old boring stuff." Patrick's voice echoed.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
Knocks were coming from the tiki's front door.
Squidward stood up and unhurriedly walked towards the door. With baggy eyes, he dragged the door open.
A giant Krabby Patty that had two legs and two arms was standing before the doorway.
Squidward gasped in delight. He bear-hugged the burger, kissed it repeatedly, and then sighed. His mind became filled with the infinite possibilities that he could share with his 'partner'.
S-S-S-S-S
Years passed in what seemed like a second…
S-S-S-S-S
Squidward was standing in the middle of a garden. The garden was in front of city hall. He was wearing a white tuxedo and was anticipating his 'wife's arrival. His smile was as radiant as the sun shining on him.
A long pause.
The Krabby Patty slowly walked up to Squidward. It was wearing a luxurious black dress, a piece of clothing that perfectly fit Squidward's tastes. The burger eventually stopped walking and faced its groom.
The mayor was standing behind the couple. He looked at the Krabby Patty. "Will you take him as your lawfully wedded husband?" He asked solemnly.
The Krabby Patty nodded.
The mayor looked at Squidward. "Will you take her as your lawfully wedded wife?"
"Yes!" Squidward grinned and nodded eagerly. He held out both of his hands towards the burger.
The Krabby Patty put 'her' hands on Squidward's hands.
The couple's hands then pressed together.
"I now pronounce you husband and wife." The mayor held out both of his hands towards the couple.
Squidward and the Krabby Patty leaned towards each other and kissed. Squidward's lips and the burger's 'lips' were glued together in a long and passionate exchange.
S-S-S-S-S
Several years passed by within a few seconds…
S-S-S-S-S
Squidward and the Krabby Patty were sitting in a couch. They were watching a small Krabby Patty that had tentacles as limbs. That Krabby Patty was their first child. The small burger was playing with a ball by bouncing it against the wall.
S-S-S-S-S
Decades passed within a minute…
S-S-S-S-S
Squidward and the Krabby Patty were sitting on rocking chairs. They were rocking at a slow pace as they looked at each other. Squidward had aged significantly and was wearing glasses. The burger was also wearing glasses and had aged as well. 'She' was 'holding' a cane and had her white hair in a bun.
S-S-S-S-S
"Hmm, honey…" Squidward had been uttering bizarre vocalizations as he dreamt. He slowly returned to consciousness and eventually opened his eyes. "What? Oh…" The ceiling above him, instead of being heavenly pearly gates, had resumed to being the polished dark rock of Hades. He sat up. He could care less about which person influenced him, where the burger came from, or any other contradiction that his mind decided to ignore; all he wanted was another taste of freedom. "I have got to get my hands on a Krabby Patty! And no one's gonna stop me!" He stood up from his bed, exited the room with a CREAK SLAM, and ran downstairs.
S-S-S-S-S
Ten minutes later…
S-S-S-S-S
Squidward reached the Krusty Krab with a sigh of relief. Throughout his trek, he had taken numerous paranoid glances for any sign of the yellow pest. He took a wide, silent step towards the entrance. He grabbed the double door but could not open it. He grit his teeth. 'It's locked.' He took a deep breath and put a hand on his chin.
A pause.
Squidward glanced at a reflection on one of the large windows. He saw a distant yet incoming sponge. "Holy crap!" he whispered loudly and sprinted to the nearest large rock. He hid behind that rock as he waited for SpongeBob to leave the Krusty Krab's vicinity. After a few minutes, he noticed that SpongeBob was holding Mr. Krabs' key. Squidward did not smile or frown.
SpongeBob used Mr. Krabs' key to unlock the double door.
C-CRREEAK
S-SLAM
SpongeBob entered the Krusty Krab.
S-S-S-S-S
SpongeBob strolled towards the kitchen door. He abruptly felt nature's call. "A quick trip to the bathroom wouldn't hurt." His smile lessened. He jogged towards the bathroom and quietly entered it.
S-S-S-S-S
Squidward had been watching SpongeBob through the Krusty Krab's large windows. 'Now's my chance!' With a hopeful smile, he ran towards the Krusty Krab. When he was a few inches away from the restaurant, he tip-toed towards the entrance. He gently moved the double door as he slipped in.
S-S-S-S-S
Squidward rapidly tip-toed towards the kitchen door. He squeezed his body through the ajar door.
S-S-S-S-S
Squidward slid to an oddly-shaped tile in the kitchen floor. He slid it open to reveal a metal compartment that had the words 'PATTY VAULT' painted in red on it. He inputted a passcode of certain numbers.
CLACK
Squidward swiftly twisted the knob and opened the vault. Many incredibly preserved Krabby Patties lied beneath him. "Holy shrimp! I don't know where to start," he whispered loudly. His palms were clasped together and were shaking. He gently took hold of the most delicious-looking Krabby Patty. He wiped away the drool coming from his mouth and licked his lips. "All that matters is that it's just you… and me… and nobody…" He held the Krabby Patty before his face, closed his eyes, and opened his mouth.
The flush of a toilet was heard.
CRRREEAAAK
SLAM
Someone exited the bathroom.
Squidward immediately held the Krabby Patty behind his back.
Crrreeaaak
SpongeBob stepped into the kitchen. At the sight of Squidward, his eyes widened. "Squid? Is that you?"
"S-SpongeBob? Uh, uh, uh… what're you doing here?" Squidward shakily pointed at SpongeBob.
"I came here to check on the Krabby Patties in the vault." SpongeBob pointed at the opened vault. "Mr. Krabs trusts me enough to lemme have his spare key to do this." He twirled the key with his index finger and smiled casually. "What're you doing here?"
Squidward sweat-dropped and bit his lip. "Uhh, I forgot my…"
SpongeBob narrowed his eyes slightly when he perceived one of the burgers in the vault was missing. "And why is there a Patty missing from the vault?"
"Oh, I thought that-" Squidward stood up on wobbly legs.
SpongeBob scratched his head. "And why are you holding a Patty behind your back?"
"I-I-I… no, I didn't do-" For Squidward, SpongeBob's questions felt like a physical onslaught. His mask of dignity was about to be broken.
"And why are you acting so nervous? And why are you sweating so much? And why do you look so hungry? And..." SpongeBob became silent when a light bulb lit up in his head. He narrowed his eyes more and smirked so widely that it reached the edges of his face.
Squidward furrowed his brows. He was as desperate as a person on the verge of being drowned in a flood. "No, no, wait... it's not what you think. Th-this is a big misunderstanding. You've got to believe me, I..."
SpongeBob put his hands on his hips triumphantly, leaned forward, and maintained his piercing smirk.
"Listen, I am telling you..." When Squidward realized that SpongeBob would not back down, he lost his temper. His face turned red and he jumped up and down. "You better listen to me, SpongeBob!"
SpongeBob began giggling. "You like Krabby Patties, don't you, Squidward?"
Squidward, clinging to his lingering sense of pride, dove through the ordering window and dashed out of the restaurant without saying another word.
S-S-S-S-S
Squidward was furiously devouring the Krabby Patty. The taste sent him back to the time where he felt like he was still in control. Where he could choose who he wanted to be without getting punished by the judgment of others. SpongeBob's devastating smirk had been burned into his memory. As he ran back home, he gazed at the stars that was an infinite amount of miles above him. 'No, never again…'