Chapter 8: Squidward the Unfriendly Ghost
The next day…
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March 27, 2008.
Squidward, with baggy eyes, was flipping through notes he had scribbled down. All of them consisted of ingredients for a new souffle recipe. He had not bothered to bring the dancing magazine since he did not want to dwell on a fantasy.
"Hey, can you hurry up?" An irate male customer tapped the cash register. A moderate line of customers was behind him.
Squidward grumbled, adjusted his employee hat, and lowered his notepad. "Yes, sir?" he droned.
"I'd like a Double Krabby Patty with cheese on the side."
Squidward sat up, took out another notepad, monotonously scribbled shorthand that only SpongeBob was accustomed to, and stuck it to the ordering window's chandelier.
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Fifteen minutes later….
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Squidward was napping on the boat. The strain of the workday and the downcastness he would feel after each mental attempt to escape the burger plantation was a burden that was too much to bear.
Mr. Krabs opened his office door and stepped out. He perceived what Squidward was doing and narrowed his eyestalks. "Oh no you don't." He put his claws on his hips. He slowly walked towards the boat as he pondered on what task he should give to Squidward. He glanced at the bathroom door and smirked. He took a quick trip to the kitchen to retrieve a mop and a bucket full of water. He placed the bucket on the floor and lightly swung at Squidward's head with the mop.
"Mm…" Squidward slowly opened his eyes, saw the red overlord, and groaned. He gripped the mop, stood up from the boat with his head tilted downward, and gripped the bucket.
Mr. Krabs pointed at the bathroom. "Start from over there." His smirk became wider as he returned to his office. "I be sure the foul smell will keep your noggin' awake." He pirate-laughed as he closed the door.
Squidward dragged himself to the bathroom.
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A few minutes later…
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Squidward was leaning against the mop and bathroom wall as he napped. Fantasies of controlling dancing dolls through strings were drifting by. He abruptly felt the sharp poking of a claw and opened his eyes.
Mr. Krabs shook his head. "Come on, lad. We aren't even halfway through the day."
SpongeBob peeked through the bathroom's ajar entrance. "Mr. Krabs, the Patties are gonna come a tiny bit late. There's just too many orders I gotta do."
Mr. Krabs waved a claw. "That's alright. Just get it done."
Squidward narrowed his eyes. 'How can SpongeBob get away with it while I can't?' He resumed his mopping with knit brows.
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An hour later…
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Squidward was cleaning the large windows with a wet towel and a bucket of water. When he perceived Mr. Krabs approaching him from the corner of his eye, he dipped the towel deeper into the bucket and did more thorough swipes on the windows.
Mr. Krabs put a claw on his chin. He scanned the marks of Squidward's previous strokes. His brows furrowed slightly. "If you don't start quickenin' your pace, Mr. Squidward, I might have to reduce yer paycheck."
Squidward glanced to his right and spotted SpongeBob, while holding a plate of an order that had not been delivered yet, conversing with another sponge. Based on the faint words he could hear from their conversation, the other sponge was a relative. Squidward's fists tightened.
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Squidward was washing dishes in the kitchen while scowling. From the ordering window, he could see SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs sitting and relaxing at a table in the dining room. SpongeBob had been given the privilege of having an earlier and longer lunch break.
After Squidward washed several more dishes, Mr. Krabs walked into the kitchen and checked how many plates Squidward had cleaned. He took a deep breath. "I'm gonna have to take one dollar out of your wage for this week. You're just too slow."
Without opening his lips, Squidward clenched his teeth. The two stacks of dishes he had cleaned was the same amount that he had seen SpongeBob do in the same amount of time. He also knew that the previous fry cook to work here cleaned at a faster rate than SpongeBob.
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Several hours later…
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Squidward entered the tiki and tossed the employee hat to the couch. The workday was over. He was holding an envelope. He dragged himself to the kitchen table and ripped open the envelope. It was the electric bill. He sighed. He walked to the shell-phone, dialed a certain number, and put it near his ear.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Ma. It's Squidward."
"Hm, your check from work is too low again?"
"Mm-hm."
"Don't worry, we'll cover that with some extra cash."
"Y'know, Ma, how do you guys stay patient with me for this long? I've been asking for your's and Pa's money since I moved out."
"It's 'cause we understand what you're going through. Back in my day, you could find good-paying jobs easily. But these days, with the economic crisis and all, me and your father could see why you only managed to scrape up a job as a cashier. Heck, your father's first job ever was a cashier too. We love you, Squidward. As long as you continue to struggle with the pay you get, we'll always support you."
"Well, there's no need to add more to that. Bye."
"Neptune bless."
Squidward put the phone down and then sat on the couch. He attempted to return to the imagined realm that the Krabby Patties' taste had taken him to. However, the anger he had built up throughout the day soon altered that realm. He imagined himself having the same position as Mr. Krabs. He laid back and smirked as he visualized how he would indulge in the luxury of not having to endure soul-crushing labor. He closed his eyes and, for a second, the cushion of the couch felt like the cushion of a throne.
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The next morning…
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March 28, 2008.
Squidward, while donning gloves and a chef's outfit, opened the oven and took out a freshly baked souffle. He placed the souffle on the kitchen table and put some cake dressing on it. He then waited for the souffle to cool down.
The laughter of two familiar voices was heard from outside.
Squidward narrowed his eyes and looked through the window in the kitchen.
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SpongeBob was sitting in the pineapple's backyard. He held a wet bubble wand before his mouth. He inhaled and then whispered into the wand as he blew.
A small bubble slipped out of the wand and flew towards Patrick, who was at the rock's backyard.
POP "Hi, Patrick."
As the bubble popped, SpongeBob's voice could be heard.
"Huh?" Patrick scratched his head.
SpongeBob pointed at his own wand. He then cupped his hand near his mouth, mimicking the motion of whispering.
Patrick looked at the bubble wand he was holding and suddenly had a moment of clarity. "Oh!" He then smiled, inhaled; and, while giggling, whispered into his wand as he blew. A small bubble floated out of the wand and headed towards SpongeBob.
POP "Hi, SpongeBob."
Patrick's voice could be heard as the bubble popped in front of SpongeBob.
SpongeBob giggled. He dipped the wand into his bottle, inhaled, and whispered into the wand again. The bubble flew towards Patrick.
POP "Patrick, you're my best friend in the whole world."
Patrick inhaled and whispered into his wand. The bubble flew towards SpongeBob.
POP "You too, SpongeBob."
SpongeBob giggled louder.
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Squidward walked back to his souffle, grabbed a spoon, and ate a tiny sample of the dish. His eyes widened as a sweet and subtly eggy flavor melted into his mouth. That was the first time a new recipe he had created was successful. He smirked. "Wow, Squidward, this is the best souffle you have ever created. Congratulations, chef!" A light bulb suddenly lit up in his head. 'I gotta mark this special occasion.' He dashed upstairs while taking off his chef outfit.
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Five minutes later…
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Squidward returned to the kitchen in a tuxedo. He had also showered and brushed his teeth. He grabbed a fork, a knife, and a napkin. He placed them in their proper positions on the table as if he was eating at a fancy restaurant. He sat down. His eyes were closed and his eyebrows were raised to make himself look even more grandiose.
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SpongeBob and Patrick were still fooling around. Through the bubbles, they were sending immature jokes to each other. The two laughed as they heard their voices through the bubble pops.
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Squidward heard the laughter just as he took a bite from the souffle with his fork. He nearly choked on the souffle piece. He gulped it down and then banged his fist on the table. He then stood up and stomped back to the window. "That's funny? Something as redundant as blowing bubbles?" He put his hands on his hips.
He then turned around to face his meal. The purple cake dressing leaking from the souffle was like a liquid. The heat of the souffle seemed to have had melted the dressing. The melted dressing was reminiscent of the melted cheese of a Krabby Patty. A light bulb lit up in his head. 'He didn't vouch for me yesterday, didn't let me eat when I was starving, and contaminated my brain with those burgers.' He smirked eagerly. He had waited for opportunities like that to release his pent-up anger. He leaped to the table and put the fork into the purple liquid. "Three can play at this game." He carefully walked back to the window; holding the souffle and the fork as if they were a bubble wand and soap bottle.
Squidward opened the window. He inhaled and then whispered as he blew into the fork.
A purple bubble came out of the fork and headed towards Patrick.
Squidward began to chuckle smugly.
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The purple bubble pushed SpongeBob's bubble out of the way. It then continued its flight towards Patrick.
POP "Patrick, you are the dumbest idiot it has ever been my misfortune to know."
Squidward's voice was released as the bubble popped near Patrick.
Patrick widened his eyes. After several seconds, his gaze fell downcast. He whispered into the wand as he blew another bubble. An unstable bubble flew towards SpongeBob's direction.
POP "Do you really think that, SpongeBob?"
SpongeBob smiled gently and whispered into the wand. The new bubble flew towards Patrick.
POP "Of course, Patrick. Anyone with eyes can see that."
Patrick frowned. He inhaled with a huff and loudly whispered into the wand. A sequence of bubbles escaped his wand and headed for SpongeBob.
POP "Yeah? Well, I think you're ugly."
POP "Yellow is ugly!"
POP "PBBBBBT!"
POP "Ppppt'!"
Patrick's voice and two raspberry sounds were heard in consecutive order.
SpongeBob's brows furrowed in concern. "Patrick, what are you talking about?" His bubble flew towards Patrick.
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Squidward dug the fork into the purple liquid and whispered into the utensil as he blew another bubble. The oppression he had received at the Krusty Krab and the tempting taste of the Krabby Patty faded from his mind. He felt a sense of catharsis knowing that the two pests were his temporary pawns.
The bubble came out of the fork and flew towards SpongeBob.
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POP "SpongeBob, I no longer wish to know you. You give bottom dwellers a bad name."
SpongeBob gasped. With a hand over his mouth, he stared at Patrick.
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Squidward's drooping nose honked as he laughed. "This is priceless." With each reaction he forced out of the two pests, he felt a faint sense of hope in winning the dance contest. The god-like power the souffle temporarily granted him began to alter the flow of his thoughts.
A few purple bubbles were unleashed towards SpongeBob and Patrick.
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POP "If I had a dollar for every brain you don't have, I'd have one dollar. "
SpongeBob knit his brows in irritation. Although he wished that the voice he just heard did not come from his best friend, he knew in the back of his mind that Patrick saying something that blunt was not too far out of character.
POP "Hey, Patrick, I heard there was a job opening down at the pet shop... as some newspaper!"
Patrick's face turned crimson and steam shot out of his ears. His lost temper quickly shut down his faculty for critical thought. He jumped to his feet with clenched fists. "Well, that makes you a big dummy, you dummy!"
With moistened eyes, SpongeBob stood up. "Yeah, well, that means that, uhh... s-so are you."
An awkward pause.
Patrick shook his fist as he blurted: "Right, you're a turkey!"
SpongeBob remembered a moment in a cartoon he had seen as a kid where a girl was being made fun of for looking like a turkey. "What's that?" He cocked his brow and wiped his eyes.
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Squidward was suffocating in sadistic laughter. "I'm a genius." When his stomach began to hurt from the laughter, another light bulb lit up. "Better enjoy it while it lasts." He placed the souffle on the table and ran upstairs.
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A minute later…
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Squidward jogged into the kitchen. He was wearing his normal attire and was holding a lawn chair that he had found in a closet. He snatched the souffle and the fork from the table and carried all three items as he dashed to the front door.
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CREAK
SLAM
Squidward set the lawn chair on his front yard and laid down on it. "Ahh…" He savored the fresh morning air by inhaling deeply. The loud and ongoing insults of SpongeBob and Patrick, to him, sounded as pleasant as the harmonic chirps of scallops.
After a few minutes, the sun's strong rays pierced the horizon and illuminated the sky.
Squidward's smile became wider. He gazed at the ocean floor's brightness to appreciate the majesty of Helios. He then closed his eyes and, through his imagination, attempted to complete his developing heavenly throne.
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"It's what you are!" Patrick pointed at SpongeBob.
"Well, you're a b-bigger one!" SpongeBob's throat was unbearably heavy.
"Well, you're still yellow! And you know what else is yellow?"
"What?"
"You are!"
SpongeBob brushed away the tears rolling down his cheeks. "Oh yeah? Well, it doesn't matter what you call me, 'cause I never wanna see you again anyway!" He turned his back towards Patrick and marched to the garage door. He bumped into the metal and then realized that the crowbar was inside the pineapple. "Aww, tartar sauce." With folded arms, he walked to the pineapple's front door.
SLAM
Patrick stomped to his rock.
SLAM
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SpongeBob sat on the couch. His face leaned against both of his hands. "Hey… Gary," he spoke so quietly that it almost sounded like a whisper.
The snail slithered towards SpongeBob. His eyestalks leaned to the side. "Meow?"
SpongeBob sighed and frowned. "Gary… me and Pat just had a really nasty argument."
Gary's eyes widened.
"I've realized that Pat's just a barnacle head. He says hurtful things without really thinking about what he's saying." SpongeBob took a shuddering breath. Another tear fell. "Not everybody in town hates him 'cause that jerk tells lies so he can stab people behind the back." For now, he could care less if his claims did not make any sense. The pain in his heart was too great.
A pause.
Gary looked at SpongeBob with eyelids lowered in concern. He then resumed watching television; he did not know what to say.
After a while, SpongeBob stood up from the couch and walked, with his gaze to the floor, towards his bedroom.
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Patrick had laid down on the couch under his rock. His face was deadpan and he was staring at the ceiling. After several minutes of doing nothing, his eyelids became too heavy. 'This is boring.' He slowly stood up and walked to the kitchen. He was about to open the fridge when he saw a magnet on the fridge's upper door that showed a photo of him and SpongeBob. The innocent picture twisted the knife in Patrick's mental wound. With a frown, he threw the magnet to the floor. He forcefully pulled the bottom door open and took out some bottles of water. He then walked to the kitchen table and sat in a seat.
He began to mindlessly drink his thoughts of SpongeBob away.
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Squidward, while in the middle of eating another piece of the souffle, thought of the misery going on in the two pests' homes and began to laugh. For a second, he could not believe that it was that easy to bring sweet revenge towards his yellow rival. While laughing, he did not notice that the fork was inching dangerously close to his throat.
After several more seconds of laughing, the fork got stuck in his throat.
Squidward began to choke. He fell from the lawn chair and was on his knees as he gripped his throat. His skin turned into a dark blue as his oxygen depleted.
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Patrick finished drinking his last bottle of water.
A pause. The faint sound of choking could be heard.
Patrick's eyes widened. "Uh oh. Someone's in trouble!" He dashed out of the kitchen and pushed the rock open.
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Squidward's oxygen level became too low. He collapsed to the ground.
As Patrick stepped out of the rock, he saw Squidward's unconscious body and gasped. He then ran towards Squidward. As he ran, he had a brain fart. When he stood before the motionless body, Patrick scratched his pointed head. "Wow, Squidward, you're choking." After a pause, he shook back to his senses. "Uhh.. uhh, I know what to do, but I should wash my hands first. Oh well." He inhaled deeply, bent down, and performed CPR on Squidward.
The fork came out of Squidward's mouth and Patrick caught it. "I win!" He grinned and pumped his fist.
Squidward stood up and saw Patrick holding the fork. His eyes widened in awe. "Wow!" He remembered the calmness Patrick had at the Krusty Krab and the words of wisdom he had spoken. He began to feel a slight amount of guilt. He felt like Patrick got into the crossfire of a conflict only he and SpongeBob were involved in. "Patrick, you saved me…"
Patrick looked at his hands in doubt. "I did?"
"Yup. You're a real lifesaver…" Squidward smiled genuinely. He then came up with an idea to undo the harm his revenge plan had done to Patrick. "...friend." He held out his hand towards Patrick.
"Friend?" Patrick's eyes widened in disbelief.
"For now, that is."
"Friend…" Patrick grabbed Squidward's hand.
The two shook hands. However, Patrick continued the handshake for an uncomfortably long time.
"Yeah, Patrick, we're temporary friends." Squidward moved his hand away from Patrick's and stepped back.
Patrick scratched his head and glanced at the tiki. "So what're we gonna do today, friend?"
"Well, I was going to practice my clarinet solo." Squidward smirked.
Patrick clapped his hands together. He had forgotten what type of instrument a clarinet was. The music he imagined Squidward playing was free-form jazz. "Clarinet? I love music!"
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SpongeBob had been silently watching his two neighbors from his bedroom window. He had seen the entire event. "Ah, who needs them? They're no fun anyway, right, Gary?" He looked away from the window but perceived that the snail was not in the bedroom. The pangs of loneliness he was attempting to fight could no longer be denied. With a throat that was still heavy, he quietly begged: "Gary?"
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Squidward and Patrick were walking upstairs inside the tiki. They soon entered the music room.
Squidward, with his head tilted upward, took hold of his clarinet and turned to a certain page of his sheet holder. "Squidward will be performing his version of Solitude in E minor," he spoke to Patrick as if he was speaking to a large audience.
Patrick sat on a chair. He clapped impulsively. "Yeah! E minor! Alright! Yeah!" Although he did not know what song Squidward was referencing, the fancy-sounding title of the song made him think it was going to be one of the best jazz songs he will ever hear.
Squidward took a deep breath and then played the song. Off-tune notes came out of the clarinet.
After a minute, Patrick fell asleep and snored.
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SpongeBob was sitting on his bed while hugging his knees. His smile was forced. "What am I worried about? I got plenty of friends. I can name three right off the bat." He held out three fingers. "Uhh…" He took out a marker and drew smiley faces on his fingers. His fake smile lessened. He choked back a sob. "The gang's all here…"
A pause.
"Ohhh!" His face fell to his lap. He sobbed again, knowing that nobody will hear him cry.
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A few minutes later…
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CRREEAAAK
The tiki's front door opened.
Squidward had considered Patrick's nap, like SpongeBob's piercing smirk, to be an insult to his ego. "Rgh!" Squidward, with furrowed brows and while sweating profusely, was dragging Patrick's sleeping body out of his home. He had to strain nearly all of his muscles just to move the heavy sea star by an inch. His back had to take the brunt of the physical demand.
Crack
Squidward winced and dropped Patrick. Both hands touched his aching back. "My back! I threw out my back!"
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SpongeBob had resumed spying on his neighbors through the bedroom window. He quickly wiped his tears and grinned. He saw Squidward as the perfect person to occupy the role that Patrick left behind. "Oh boy, now's my chance!" He pushed the window open and hopped to the windowsill. "Don't worry, Squid! I'm coming!"
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Squidward turned towards the pineapple, perceived SpongeBob, and frowned. He shuddered at the thought of SpongeBob worsening his injury. "No, no, no, get away from me!" He tried to swiftly limp back to his tiki.
"Hang on! I'll save you!" SpongeBob jumped from the windowsill and landed on the ground, causing a small plume of sand to rise. He then leaned forward and sprinted towards Squidward.
"No, no! Get away from me! No, no!" Squidward shakily grabbed the doorknob.
"Hold on!"
"No, no! Get away!" Squidward opened the door. He held out his hand towards SpongeBob as a signal to stop.
SLAM
C-CRACK
"Oh, I'm ruined! I'm… I'm… I'm…" Squidward winced, but after nearly half a minute, he realized that he no longer felt pain in his back. His eyes widened and he gazed at SpongeBob. A light bulb lit up. 'I guess these two want me to be their new friend. That doesn't mean I can't pull them to where I want them to be.' His smile was mixed with fakeness and genuinity. "I feel great. Thanks, SpongeBob! You're a real friend."
SpongeBob grinned with moistened eyes. "Friiieeeennnnd…" The heaviness in his throat disappeared.
Squidward gulped. "N-no, I didn't mean that we're blood brothers or anything like-"
"Don't worry, Squiddy old-pal. Helping is what friends are for." SpongeBob pat Squidward on the shoulder. "So dumb Patrick fell asleep on ya, huh?" He glanced at the slumbering starfish and shook his head while still smiling.
"Yeah. I was playing a song with my clarinet when he did that." Squidward held the front door for his yellow 'companion'.
The two entered the tiki.
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Squidward and SpongeBob entered the music room.
"A real friend would perform for you." SpongeBob was eagerly searching through the room for an instrument.
"You play something other than a guitar?" Squidward's eyebrows were raised.
"Are you kidding? I've been playing bassinet for years!" SpongeBob grabbed a bassinet off of a wall. He put the bow slightly above the strings of the instrument. He did an 'ok' symbol with one hand. "Give me an A, buddy!"
Squidward took hold of his clarinet and played a note.
"Squidward is my best friend in the world." SpongeBob began to sing. A grating sound was heard as he slid the bow across the strings.
Squidward winced and covered his ears.
"Squidward is my best friend in the sea..." SpongeBob slid the bow more gently in a futile attempt at making a note. The bow accidentally flew off the bassinet and flipped in the air. It eventually succumbed to gravity and stabbed a self-portrait of Squidward in the middle of the depicted forehead.
Squidward furrowed his brows at the sight of his ruined self-portrait. He stomped to the painting with clenched fists and yanked the bow out of the hole in the canvas. He then snapped the bow in half with his knee.
"Squidward..." SpongeBob sang as he played the bassinet with his fingers. The instrument, for some strange reason, began to utter proper notes.
CRREAK
One of the windows opened.
"Likes Patrick more than SpongeBob," sung Patrick with a smirk. He had awoken from his slumber, had heard the music coming from the tiki, and had climbed all the way up the tiki.
SLAM
SpongeBob, with a frown, slammed the window shut.
"Woah!" Patrick's hands slipped off the windowsill. He fell to the ground, causing a large sand plume to erupt.
"And Patrick is a dirty, stinky, rotten friend stealer!" SpongeBob, with moistened eyes, grit his teeth and began swinging the bassinet on the floor. He thought that the loud noises the bassinet would make as it hit the floor would drown out his memories of 'Patrick's' hurtful jokes.
SMACK
SLAM
BAM
After getting repeatedly pounded to the floor by SpongeBob, the instrument shattered into several pieces.
"Fishsticks," SpongeBob whispered to himself. He smiled nervously and faced Squidward. "U-um, I can fix this."
Squidward's face was covered a boiling red. Steam came out of his ears. "GET OUT!" He pointed towards the stairs.
SpongeBob took a deep breath. He hung his head low in shame. "So, uhh, I'll see you after work." He quietly walked down the stairs and headed for the front door.
The sight of the broken bassinet, for Squidward, was like seeing a desecrated shrine in a temple for the Pantheon. "Yech! That was disgusting. I feel like I need to scrub myself." He went downstairs and walked towards the bathroom.
Squidward entered the bathroom, walked to the bathtub, and opened the curtain. The curtain revealed a tub full of water and a certain starfish sitting inside of it.
"Hey, buddy. I warmed it up for ya." Patrick smiled. He took out a brush and a bar of soap. He had been spying on Squidward, had overheard what he had said, and then had managed to get inside the bathroom by opening a window that was behind him.
Chills ran down Squidward's spine. Squidward screamed for a few seconds before he frowned and shook his fist. "Patrick! Get out! And put some clothes on!" He pointed at the door with his other hand on his hip.
CRREAK
SpongeBob opened the bathroom's entrance and stepped in. "What's the matter, Squid, ol' buddy?" He saw Patrick in the bathtub, frowned, and put both of his hands on his hips. "Oh, ho-ho, so this is what I find, huh? My best friend and my ex-best friend and... " He stepped to the tub and grabbed the bath toys that were floating on the water. He raised one eyebrow. "...rubber bath toys?"
Patrick furrowed his brows. "Oh, yeah?! Well, he was MY friend first!" He trudged across the tub and glared at SpongeBob face-to-face.
SpongeBob pointed at Patrick. "You're just a backbiting, backstabbing silly blob of-"
"This can't be happening to me..." Squidward, with a few sweatdrops running down his forehead, fled from the scene.
"Buddy?!" SpongeBob glanced around the bathroom. Squidward was not in the room. He bit his lip.
"Squidward?!" Patrick submerged his pants in the tub water and put them on underwater.
"Where'd ya go, friend?" SpongeBob exited the room.
"Where are ya, ol buddy?" Patrick got out of the tub and followed.
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'Oh, this is nuts! I need a plan to get those two back together...' Squidward was sitting behind his tiki. He was in the backyard. His chin was resting on his fist and his gaze was on the ground as he pondered his next move. He still would not give up his fragile illusion of power. The mending of the two pests' friendship would set the stage for another plan at manipulating them.
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Fifteen minutes later…
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Knocks came from the roof of Patrick's rock.
Patrick jumped and got stuck against the ceiling back-first. The force of his jump pushed the rock open.
Squidward was standing before him with a fake smile and folded arms. "Hey, Patrick. Wanna come to my place for a small gathering?"
Patrick grinned and held out a thumbs-up. "Sure thing, buddy." He hopped to the ground of the outside world.
SLAM
The rock closed.
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SpongeBob was reading a cooking magazine in his living room. Gary was eating his breakfast of snail-nip in the kitchen.
The doorbell rang.
SpongeBob smiled, closed the magazine, and stood up.
An envelope was slipped under the entrance door.
SpongeBob skipped towards the envelope, picked it up, and ripped it open. He read the contents of a letter that was inside the envelope. He imagined the fanciness of the gathering that the letter's words suggested. "Ooh, from Squidward. A dinner party? I'd love to!" He put the letter away. With a grin, he exited his pineapple and skipped in a dance-like manner towards the tiki.
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Knock Knock
SpongeBob waited before the tiki's front door.
Crreeeaak
Squidward opened the door.
"Did you miss me?" SpongeBob smirked.
Squidward stepped out of SpongeBob's way and held out his hand towards the inside of his home. "Come on in. You look stunning." When SpongeBob walked into the tiki, he could not help but smirk slightly. He was surprised by how easy it was to regain control of the pests.
SLAM
Squidward closed the door.
"I'd much rather dine with you than that lousy-" SpongeBob gasped as he saw Patrick lounging on a sofa inside the living room. "Say, what gives? I'm not sitting near that maniac!" He folded his armms.
Patrick narrowed his eyes, closed his open hands into fists, and stood up. "Me neither! This was a setup!" He began to stomp towards the front door.
Squidward quickly came up with a crafty comment. "I thought you two were my best friends."
The two neighbors immediately stood before Squidward. "I am your best friend!" they spoke simultaneously. Patrick held his hands together while SpongeBob's eyes had a slight sheen of moisture.
"Hold on a second." Squidward, suppressing the urge to chuckle, walked to his kitchen and opened the fridge.
SpongeBob and Patrick glared at each other as they waited for Squidward.
Squidward returned to the living room with a few glass cups and a bottle of soda he had bought just before inviting his two neighbors. "Well, how about some soda, guys?" He gave a glass cup to SpongeBob and Patrick.
"Yes, please!" SpongeBob held his cup out and smiled. He was familiar with the brand of soda Squidward was holding.
Squidward poured some soda into SpongeBob's glass.
"Thanks, friend." SpongeBob drank the soda. The flavor was a strange mix of Sprite and Coca-Cola.
"How about some for your best friend?" Patrick held his cup out. The brand of the soda was familiar to him as well.
SpongeBob put his cup above Patrick's cup right as the soda began to pour from the bottle. "Thanks, best friend." SpongeBob quickly drank from his glass. The soda's aftertaste sparked a craving.
"Can I have some now, buddy?" Patrick began tapping his foot.
"Wait, I need some more!" SpongeBob held his glass out for the third time. The craving, by now, had seized control of his mind.
Squidward poured more soda into SpongeBob's cup. He smirked as he noticed SpongeBob's particular liking for the beverage.
"I still didn't get any!" Patrick folded his arms.
SpongeBob exhaled and begrudgingly poured a generous amount of his soda into Patrick's cup. If Patrick was not in the tiki, he would have gulped down the whole soda bottle. "There ya go. More please!"
Patrick drank from his cup. His brain, like SpongeBob's, immediately became attached to the soda's delicious flavor.
Squudward poured an even larger amount of soda into SpongeBob's cup, nearly filling the entire glass.
SpongeBob drank all the soda in his cup in one gulp.
"Squidward!" Patrick held his glass out.
"Squidward!" SpongeBob shakily held his cup out. He became jittery from the sugar in the soda.
Squidward quickly poured the soda into the two pests' cups
SpongeBob and Patrick simultaneously drank the soda in one gulp. Their thirst seemingly could not be quenched at all.
"Squidward!" Patrick nearly shoved his cup towards Squidward. Soda was quickly poured into his glass. "SQUIDWARD!" He did not perceive that his cup was already full.
"Patrick, your glass is full." Squidward furrowed his brows.
Patrick glanced at his cup and saw the soda inside it. "Oh yeah." He then guzzled the soda.
"Squidward!" SpongeBob held his glass out and gulped down the poured soda.
"Hey, Squidward!" Patrick held his glass out and drank the poured soda.
"Squidward!" SpongeBob held his glass out and guzzled the poured soda.
"Hey, Squidward!" Patrick swallowed the poured soda without even using his cup.
After the bombardment of the two pests' demands, the bottle became empty.
Patrick and SpongeBob held their glasses out. "Squidward!" they simultaneously demanded.
'It's all going to plan.' Squidward had a wide smirk. "Sorry, boys, I'm all out of pop. I'm gonna go get some more." He threw the empty soda bottle into a trash can. "Why don't you just stay here and chat?" He walked towards the front door with his head victoriously tilted upward.
CREAK
SLAM
Squidward exited the tiki.
S-S-S-S-S
Squidward walked in the direction of the Barg'N-Mart. He glanced at his watch. He still had plenty of time to toy with SpongeBob and Patrick.
S-S-S-S-S
The yellow 'square' looked down and perceived that he was ridiculously bloated from drinking excessive amounts of soda. Patrick was also suffering from the same condition. The two slumped at a table with their two cups as they waited for Squidward to return with more soda.
"I should've drank all the soda first." Patrick had a grumpy frown. He folded his arms.
SpongeBob's brows furrowed. The withdrawal from the soda caused him to have a faint yet irritating headache. "Shut up." His hands closed into fists. The scowl on his face made it seem like a demon had possessed his yellow body.
"Hmph." Patrick turned his chair away from his yellow rival.
SpongeBob did the same.
S-S-S-S-S
Ten minutes later…
S-S-S-S-S
Squidward exited the Barg'N-Mart with a bottle of soda in his hand. He headed for his tiki.
S-S-S-S-S
SpongeBob suddenly hiccuped and a bubble came out of his mouth. It floated to the ceiling and popped. A burp was heard as the bubble vanished into thin air.
Patrick snickered.
SpongeBob blushed slightly and continued to look away from Patrick. His fists tightened.
Patrick was giggling.
SpongeBob smiled shakily. The thought of bubbles and laughing reminded him of the adventures he and Patrick had at Jellyfish Fields. He remembered the mistake of blowing too many bubbles near a group of jellyfish and getting stung so badly that his gauzed body looked like a mummy. The memory, combined with Patrick's laughing, eventually made him give in. He giggled.
In less than a minute, SpongeBob and Patrick laughed cordially. Through the laughter, they realized that the anger they had towards each other was just a small blip that occurs in friendships. Bubbles floated to the ceiling as their mouths remained open. The bubbles took tiny pieces of the soda from their stomachs. So many bubbles were released from their mouths that the two friends were floating in the air and gradually losing their bloatedness.
P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-POP
The bubbles popped. Numerous burping sounds were heard as a result.
P-plop
SpongeBob and Patrick landed on the floor. The popping of the bubbles caused several furniture pieces in the living room to get displaced.
S-S-S-S-S
Squidward was now only several paces away from his tiki. The commotion coming from his home caused him to cock a brow. When he reached the tiki, he opened the front door and stepped inside. The disarray the two pests had made caused him to realize the severity of his miscalculation. His face became deadpan. He groaned. "What a surprise… I invited them in, and I left them alone. Well, Squidward, what have we learned today?" he droned.
SpongeBob and Patrick grinned at the sight of their neighbor. They both stood up and hugged each other.
"Guess what, Squid?" SpongeBob's eyes sparkled slightly.
"Me and SpongeBob are friends again!"
Squidward rolled his eyes. "Great, now go be friends somewhere else. I gotta clean up your mess." His arms were folded as he walked towards the furniture piece he felt needed the most attention.
SpongeBob glanced at the displaced furniture, stopped smiling, and put his hand below his mouth. The ruins of the living room reminded him of the irritating crimes he had committed against Squidward. "Don't you want us to help you clean a little?"
"No." Without looking at the two pests, Squidward pointed towards the front door.
SpongeBob whispered to Patrick: "Let's go. We shouldn't bother Squid for now."
Patrick grabbed his cup and sipped one last drop of soda before whispering back: "Maybe he's just trying to be humble. I think he brought us back together on purpose."
"Y'know," SpongeBob scratched his chin and then beamed, "I don't think you're wrong, Pat."
S-S-S-S-S
Several hours later…
S-S-S-S-S
Patrick and SpongeBob were sitting on the couch in the pineapple's living room. The orange light of the late afternoon was leaking into the room from the opened kitchen door. They were watching TV.
"In other news, the percentage of Oceanic citizens who believe in the Olympian religion has gone down to historically low levels. This could be attributed to allegations of corruption within the two sects of our faith in the Holy Ones. Such scandals include bribing local politicians, hierophants and flamens having affairs with the spouses of worshipers-"
SpongeBob bit his tongue. "Let's watch something more positive." He grabbed the remote.
The image on the screen changed from the realistic-looking fish anchorman to a title in black font that had a blue swirl in the background. "The New Adventures of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy!"
SpongeBob and Patrick gasped and sat at the edges of their seats.
"I almost forgot that they were gonna premiere this show today!" SpongeBob grinned. "Guess working in the Krusty Krab kept me distracted."
"We join our heroes in a battle of wits." The TV screen's image changed to show Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, who were now in their old age, hunched back at a table while playing checkers. Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy commanded the red and black pieces respectively.
Barnacle Boy swiftly jumped one of his pieces over Mermaid Man's. The positions of his other pieces indicated that he was dominating the game.
Mermaid Man bit his lip. A drop of sweat slid from his forehead. The cameras aiming at him did not help to lessen his anxiety.
RING RING RING RING
A nearby shell-phone rang. Its special design indicated that it had been brought from the Mermalair.
Mermaid Man wiped sweat from his brow and exhaled in relief. "It's the aqua phone!" He stood up, shakily walked to the shell-phone, and picked it up. He heard a faint electronic voice. "What is it, Chief? Uhh, hello? Hello? Hello?"
A pause.
Mermaid Man scratched his chin and put the phone down. "The phone is still broken. Remind me to get that fixed."
"Remind you of what?" Barnacle Boy narrowed his eyes when he spotted certain positions that Mermaid Man's pieces had.
Mermaid Man had a brain fart. He sat back down and was awkwardly silent for a few seconds before speaking: "Remind me of what?"
"Will our heroes ever get their phone fixed? Tune in next week and find out." The TV image then shifted to a credits roll that scrolled up as fast as a blink of an eye before changing to a commercial break.
"Wow. That was just as good as the old show." SpongeBob clapped.
Patrick took another bite from his bag of nacho chips. His heartbeat quickened at the thought of seeing future episodes. "I think it's even more good. You get to see the things they do for real but they put some cool imaginary stuff in there too."
SpongeBob nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah. It's not like those retellings of another adventure they had when they were young. Even though they're retired now and can't fight actual villains, they still make it really good by spicing it up." He stood up. "This show will get the headlines for sure."
Patrick bit on an imaginary nacho chip. He glanced down and perceived that the nacho bag was empty. "What game were they playing?"
"It's called checkers." SpongeBob took the remote and changed the channel to the sports channel that Gary preferred watching. When he had a glimpse of an American football player tackling a player from a rival team, a light bulb lit up in his head. "Wanna play a variant of it?"
Patrick shrugged. "'kay."
"Alright. Wait here for a bit." SpongeBob dashed to the garage.
A long pause. Patrick sat there and did absolutely nothing.
SpongeBob returned with a folded chessboard in one hand and a plastic bag full of chess pieces in the other. "We gotta go outside to play." He was grinning.
"Ooh. Is it a sport?" Patrick stood up.
"I guess you could say that." SpongeBob nodded. "The game has alotta rules but you'll get used to it." He exited the pineapple while leaving the front door open for Patrick.
Patrick followed him and…
SLAM
...closed the door.
S-S-S-S-S
SpongeBob swiftly unfolded the chessboard and dropped it to the ground. He then opened the bag and placed the chess pieces on the chessboard. He then began to explain to Patrick the rules of the game.
Patrick put his hands in his pockets as he listened to SpongeBob's words.
S-S-S-S-S
"Have I told you how beautiful you are? Your tentacles, your nose, your eyes... a little lopsided." Squidward, in the music room, was adding finishing touches to a nearly complete wax statue of himself. The creation of the sculpture was meant to help him clear his mind so he could conceive a new plan to control the two pests. However, he still had not decided on an idea. Regardless, focusing on his art had made him nearly forget about the disturbances the pests had caused.
Squidward took out the sculpture's right eye and placed it back in a slightly adjusted position. "There. And now that I've been immortalized in wax, I have conquered all artistic media. Come on, my precious reflection, smile!" He moved the sculpture's mouth until it looked reminiscent of a smile.
CRASH
THUD
Squidward heard ruckus coming from outside. He sighed. "Here we go again." His face became deadpan.
S-S-S-S-S
Patrick had dropped the rock and it had thus broken into several pieces. He had also hopped over the rock fragments after that.
"Hike, Patrick, hike!" SpongeBob sprinted across the neighborhood in one direction. He grabbed a nearby rock along the way.
Patrick, with furrowed brows and his tongue sticking out slightly, ran in the opposite direction.
SpongeBob dropped the rock to the ground and karate chopped it. He smirked. "You just lost three points!" He pointed at Patrick.
Patrick dove to the chessboard and blew one of his rook pieces by three tiles. He then ran to his rock fragments and shakily climbed to their top. "One. Two. Five!" He then jumped to the ground.
SpongeBob took out a bottle of bubble soap and a bubble wand. He dipped the wand into the bottle and then blew into the wand. A small bubble flew out. "G-7!"
"G-7? King me! King me!" Patrick dashed towards the pineapple but tripped on a small rock.
THUD
Patrick fell to the ground. "Tartar sauce!" He pounded the ground with his fist.
S-S-S-S-S
Squidward stepped into the bathroom. He desired to celebrate the completion of his sculpture by taking a soothing bath. He twisted the bathtub's knob until the tub was filled with warm water. Very faint puffs of vapor floated above the tub. He took off his shirt, slowly stepped into the tub's water, and gently sat down. He then turned on a nearby record player and hummed to the slow melody of a symphony.
S-S-S-S-S
SpongeBob glanced around and put a hand near his chin. Their game of special chess had been finished. "Now what?"
Patrick spotted a shell that was on the ground. A light bulb lit up. "We could toss this shell back and forth." He smiled and picked up the shell.
SpongeBob did a thumbs-up and crouched. "Okay, ready!"
Patrick tossed the shell towards SpongeBob. The shell was light enough to glide like a frisbee.
SpongeBob caught the shell by clapping his hands together. He nimbly threw it back.
The shell bounced off of Patrick's fat belly. It flew in SpongeBob's direction. "GO!" Patrick snapped his 'fingers' and pointed at the shell while jumping up and down. He was completely unaware of what was in the shell's trajectory.
"I got it! I got it!" SpongeBob dashed towards the shell while holding out both hands towards it.
SHATTER
The shell broke through one of the tiki's windows.
SpongeBob screeched to a halt. His face drained of color. "Uh-oh." He bit his lip. After a few seconds, his gaze fell to the ground as he imagined Squidward's distressed reaction.
Patrick tapped SpongeBob's shoulder. "Go get it really quick." Without much more thought, he walked to the front door of the tiki and opened it.
SpongeBob sighed and cautiously stepped into the home, followed by Patrick.
S-S-S-S-S
The record player's music in the bathroom was loud enough to block out sounds from outside the room. Squidward hummed as he washed his back with a soap-filled brush.
S-S-S-S-S
Patrick and SpongeBob entered the music room. They saw a wax statue that looked nearly identical to Squidward lying on the floor. The shell had pierced its forehead and had thus made it fall.
Patrick pointed at the shell. "There it is!" he whispered loudly.
SpongeBob took wide tip-toes towards the statue and, while wincing, pulled the shell out of the statue's forehead. The green gash left behind and the wax stuck on the shell caused his eyes to narrow. He then crouched next to the statue and put his hand near his chin as he inspected it. His eyes widened. "Uhh, Patrick? I think something's wrong with Squidward. He looks unconscious."
Patrick walked up to the statue. He smiled with both hands on his hips. "Don't worry. I know how to do this." He crouched near the statue. "I've saved him before." He attempted to give 'Squidward' CPR but his face turned blue after several seconds. The wax in the sculpture's 'throat' blocked out whatever air Patrick was putting in.
SpongeBob bit his lip. "It's not working." He began pulling Patrick's shoulder.
Patrick stopped performing CPR and attempted to stand up. He slipped on one of the sculpture's hands and landed on top of the statue rear-first.
SpongeBob jumped and bit the nails of both of his hands. "Get off him, Pat!" He grabbed Patrick's arm and yanked him up.
The pressure Patrick's rear had put on the sculpture made the wax feel like flesh for a few seconds. "What're you worried about?" Patrick stood up. A butt mark had been imprinted into the wax sculpture's face. He did not spot any sign of bleeding. "He looks better already." He maintained his calm smile.
SpongeBob placed his hand over 'Squidward's forehead. His heartbeat began to quicken. "But he still feels cold." The limpness of the sculpture only made his throat feel more heavy. The memories of his crimes against Squidward began to flash by again.
Patrick shrugged. "Well, let's go put him in the warm." He carelessly grasped the wax sculpture and released it in a standing position near a window..
The sunlight from the window touched the face of the wax statue. The sculpture's melting quickened.
SpongeBob glanced around for a nearby shellphone. "Do you think he'll be okay?" He looked at 'Squidward' and put a hand over his mouth. The melting of the statue was too subtle for him to perceive it immediately.
"You know, you worry too much." Patrick wandered around the room as he waited for 'Squidward' to regain consciousness. His face returned to a neutral expression. "The Patrick is here and SpongeBob," he turned towards SpongeBob and raised his index finger, "I know a lot about head injuries, believe..." He suddenly drooled as thoughts of delicious food filled his mind.
SpongeBob snapped his fingers.
Patrick shook back to his senses. "...me."
A few drops of melted green wax landed on one of SpongeBob's shoes.
Patrick scratched his head at the sight of the melted wax. "Hey, what's that on your shoe?"
SpongeBob looked down at his shoes, saw the green liquid, and shrugged. "I don't know."
A pause.
SpongeBob then perceived a puddle of green liquid that was in front of him and…
... the separate head of 'Squidward'.
SpongeBob clung to his chest from a near heart attack. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"
Patrick looked down and saw the head as well. "AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"
S-S-S-S-S
Squidward heard the screaming. He scowled, swiftly stood up, yanked the plug out, and stepped out as the bathtub drained. "Why those two fools have to bother me now?" He wrapped a white towel around his lower body. He then opened a small bottle and powdered his face until it was white. Some of the powder ended up on the towel. He wrapped a secondary white towel around his forehead. The top of the secondary white towel drooped, thus looking like the crown of a ghost.
S-S-S-S-S
SpongeBob and Parrick were sweatily and shakily attempting to reassemble the wax sculpture.
SoongeBob sniffed as tears surfaced from his eyes. "N-no, no, that p-part goes here." His throat felt as heavy as a tombstone. He pushed one of the eyes back into one of the sockets and pointed at the eye that Patrick was holding.
"Yeah-yeah, that's it, uh-huh." Patrick nodded while biting his lip. He put the eye that he was holding into the other socket. He then placed the head on the neck of the body.
SpongeBob swallowed a sob. He fiercely desired to chant a hymn that he had heard at a meeting in an altar, but the proper words to begin the chant just could not come out of his mouth. He remembered the melody, but not the deeply uttered syllables that had melted into the sounds of the instruments. "We're almost there, we can do this," were the only comforting words he could manage to say to himself. He splashed some of the green liquid back into the legs and attempted to reshape them.
Patrick swallowed his lips. "It's working, it's working..." He tried to reshape the melting arms.
"This is working." SpongeBob wore a smile as he put the green liquid back into 'Squidward's feet and reshaped them. He was like a soldier rationalizing atrocities he was witnessing in the battlefield.
The wax sculpture broke into several pieces and melted completely into green liquid.
"It didn't work..." SpongeBob's mask of hope shattered when he covered his face with both hands. "I-I don't know how to say it, but our old pal S-Squid, he's... he's... he's pushing up daisies!" He fell to his knees and began sobbing. His tears dropped into the puddle of wax.
Patrick wiped some sweat from his brow. The sight of the fully melted 'corpse' was so shocking that he once again lost his rationality. "Phew. I thought he was dead," he blurted.
Squidward stepped from the stairs into the music room. His powdered face and the leftover powder on the lower towel emitted a white mist. Within the white fog, his eyes had a menacing glow. He immediately saw SpongeBob and Patrick and the broken window. He clenched his fists. "What are you doing here?! Well? Are you two trying to say something, or do I have to-?"
SpongeBob, with dilated pupils, began walking backwards from the 'phantom'. "No, stay back!" He felt like Zeus, from the tiki's window, had witnessed him commit the 'murder' of Squidward. His eyes moistened even more. Squidward's scowl, to him, looked like the face of Hades beneath the gates of the underworld.
Patrick's jaw dropped at the sight of the 'apparition'. He nearly soiled his pants.
Squidward put his hands on his hips and cocked his brow. "WHAT is the matter with you two?" The goofy faces the pests were making caused him to chuckle a bit.
Patrick, as if he was participating in a hecatomb, fell prostrate before the 'ghostly' octopus. "D-don't hurt us!" He tremblingly put his hands together.
"It was an accident!" SpongeBob covered his face with his hands as a few tears ran across his cheeks. The powder leaking into the room gave the premonition that Zeus' lightning rod could strike at any second.
Squidward leaned his head towards one side. "What are you two talking about?"
SpongeBob and Patrick stepped out of the way to reveal the puddle of melted wax.
Squidward widened his eyes for a few seconds. When he perceived a hole in a window and a shell floating in the wax pool, he grit his teeth. The sight was as vile as a vandalized statue of Poseidon. His face bled into a fuming red. He clenched his fists to the point of nearly piercing his skin. "Look what you've done to me! When I get my hands on you, I'll-"
"Please, Mr. Squidward's ghost!" SpongeBob sat on his knees with his arms raised towards the heavens. He and Patrick repeatedly bowed before the messenger of doom. Sweat drops, instead of tears, ran down his face. "Spare us your ghostly anger!"
Patrick crawled up to Squidward's feet and kissed them as if they were the adorned feet of Hermes. "Oh yes, Mr. Squidward's ghost! Please don't haunt us!"
"We'll do anything you want! Just have mercy on us!" SpongeBob shakily faced the floor, awaiting the 'phantom's judgment.
A devilish smirk slowly formed on Squidward's face. "Enough!" The destruction of his sculpture was the perfect opportunity to restore his tyranny. He folded his arms with an upturned head. "Listen up, when I visited Pluto, he felt unusually generous. The ultimatum he gave was that I return to the world of the living and avenge my death. However, Squidward's ghost hath decided to spare ye a a horrible fate. All ye must do is tend to my every whim and tickle my fancy on demand."
SpongeBob held up an index finger. "Does that include-"
Squidward wore the mask of a piercing glare by narrowing his eyes. "Quiet! Now, do as you're told! Lest ye incur the wrath of Squidward!"
Patrick's lips trembled for several seconds. He then turned to whisper into SpongeBob's ear: "I think they make a cream for that now."
Squidward put a hand on his chin as he pondered on what should be his first command. He glanced at the broken window and then at the music sheet holder. He remembered the countless times he had heard disruptive noises from outside. A light bulb lit up. "For my first request, I would like you two to take me to my bed." He raised his arms until they were from side to side, as if he was crucified.
Patrick and SpongeBob stood up and walked rigidly towards their multi-limbed overlord. Patrick slowly grasped Squidward's legs while SpongeBob lifted Squidward's upper torso. The two then, as if Squdiward was a statue, cautiously carried him downstairs.
S-S-S-S-S
A minute later…
S-S-S-S-S
The two servants brought their ghostly master to the bed and laid him down on the mattress.
"Here?" SpongeBob folded his hands together.
Squidward glanced at his slaves' anxious faces and smirked. The two reminded him of the toy figures he would play with in his childhood. 'Let's test their limits.' He shook his head. "Too hot."
The two servants carried Squidward to another location on the bed.
"Here?" SpongeBob blinked.
Squidward shook his head. "No, too wet. Keep going."
SpongeBob and Patrick carried Squidward to a lower location on the bed.
"Here?" SpongeBob straightened the blanket covering the mattress.
"Perfect." Squidward put his hands behind his head as he sank into the comfortable softness of the mattress. He felt a slight ache from his empty stomach. "Hmmm, I feel needy." He sat up and clapped his hands together. "Slaves, fetch me some nourishment."
"Only the freshest, o spooky one." SpongeBob nodded. He and Patrick then promptly exited the bedroom.
Squidward laid down on the bed again, closed his eyes, and smiled in satisfaction. He had been given a privilege that not even his boss had; total obedience. He straightened the towel on his head as if it was a crown.
S-S-S-S-S
Several minutes later...
S-S-S-S-S
The two servants returned.
"Some grapes fresh from the vine, your ghostliness." SpongeBob held out a branch of grapes above his master's head. He picked out the grapes one at a time and dropped them into his master's mouth. He caught whatever seeds Squidward spat out. "A banana peeled to your likeness, your incordialness." He squeezed the banana out of the peel. The uncovered banana landed in Squidward's mouth.
"One watermelon fresh from the manure field, your spookiness." Patrick, while leaning forward with closed eyes, held out a watermelon. Assuming his master would catch it, he dropped the watermelon over Squidward.
THUD
Squidward fell to the floor.
"Art thou not pleased?" SpongeBob put his hands behind his back. He bit his lip.
'I'll punish them for this.' Squidward, with a scowl, heaved the watermelon and rolled it to the side. "Enough of that! I want something else to eat now. Something that's very difficult to find." He folded his arms. He chuckled at the thought of his two slaves searching through the ends of the Earth for petty items.
"What do you hunger for, master?" Patrick swallowed his lips.
"Whatever you want, we'll find it." SpongeBob bowed.
"Cherry pie." Squidward sat on the bed and leaned against the pillow.
"Right away, sir." SpongeBob nodded and marched out of the bedroom.
"As you wish, your ghostliness." Patrick nodded and followed SpongeBob.
S-S-S-S-S
Ten minutes later…
S-S-S-S-S
The two servants walked in single-file back into their master's bedroom.
"As you asked, your spookiness." SpongeBob held out the cherry pie towards Squidward with one hand. He put one leg forward and the knee of his other leg on the floor, like somebody getting knighted by a monarch. With his other hand, he handed a freshly clean spoon to the octopus.
Squidward raised his brow in ambivalence. 'Although it's good that they quickly follow up on what I say, I can't give them an easy time.' He knew in the back of his mind that their usual antics would resume shortly after his temporary reign's end. He took hold of the cherry pie and ate it slowly as he brainstormed through possible orders. He eventually finished eating the pie. He covered his mouth with his hand as he burped. "Spin around." He twirled one of his hands.
SpongeBob and Patrick immediately span around in place a few times. They dared not to deviate from their neutral facial expressions.
"Stop." Squidward held out his hand.
The two servants halted and faced the 'ghost'.
"Now jog in place."
SpongeBob and Patrick jogged in place until they began to sweat profusely. As their limbs grew increasingly tired, their heartbeats quickened at the thought of seeing their master's dissatisfaction.
Squidward held out his hand again.
The two servants halted. They took several seconds to catch their breaths.
"Now say flank steak." Squidward sat against the bed's pillows and picked up one of his novels. He reads the book with both hands firmly grasping its sides, like a king reading a manuscript.
"Flank steak," the two slaves uttered simultaneously.
Squidward smiled as he read one of his favorite scenes in the novel. What made it even more pleasant was the silence that permeated his bedroom. When he finished the chapter, he glanced through the corner of his eye and saw a tissue box. A light bulb lit up. 'They think my musical performances are trash, eh? I'll show them.' He beamed as he snatched two pieces of tissue from the tissue box. "Play me an elaborate song with this." He sat up and gave a piece of tissue to each servant.
"But this is just a piece of tissue paper..." SpongeBob gazed at his master with pleading eyes. His mouth was trembling.
Patrick's hands trembled as he held the tissue paper. His quickened heartbeat caused his previous memories to vanish. "What is this?" He scratched his head.
Squidward laughed. "Just play some nice music with it." He folded his arms.
SpongeBob bit his lip. The tissue was nothing like the gum wrapper since it could not be folded as easily. "How am I gonna play anything with this?" He shakily held out the piece of tissue towards his master. "I-It's impossible."
Squidward chuckled and shrugged. "Well, I hope you don't have any plans tonight, because you're not allowed to leave that spot until I hear a song." He stood up from his bed, walked to the exit of the bedroom, and stood in front of it with his hands on his hips.
Patrick inhaled deeply and blew at the tissue that he was holding with all of the air that he can muster. Not a single note was produced.
Squidward looked at his watch and noticed that it was a bit after 7:00 PM. His sleep time was coming in less than two hours. 'Dammit, you should've planned this more carefully, Squiddy.' He stopped smiling and clenched his teeth without revealing it. "Since you can't make any music with those tissues, Squidward's ghost now commands you to clean out his closet instead." He stepped out of the way.
The two servants exited the bedroom.
S-S-S-S-S
A few minutes later…
S-S-S-S-S
SpongeBob and Patrick stepped into the untidy closet.
"How are we going to clean up all this mess?" Patrick scratched his head.
SpongeBob wiped his hands together and stuck his tongue out slightly. "We'll figure it out." He walked towards a pile of books and began the tedious task of making three stacks of the books.
Patrick folded some clothes that were on the floor and put them into stacks as well.
After putting most of the pile of books into the stacks, SpongeBob discovered a comic book. The comic book's cover had a certain character that he instantly recognized. "Hey Pat, I found a comic book, and look at this. It's about the origin of the Flying Dutchman." He flipped through the pages as he scanned the book. When he reached the comic book's end, a light bulb lit up in his head. "It says when he died his crew threw him off the ship. Now he haunts the seven seas because he was never put to rest." He looked up from the comic book. "Well, don't you get it, Patrick?"
Patrick silently shook his head.
"We're gonna put poor old Squidward to rest." SpongeBob smiled weakly with misty eyes. He still could not believe that his long-time neighbor had died less than an hour ago. With the presence of the 'phantom', he had been able to deny the 'truth' right in front of his face. He had delusionally believed that if he satisfied his master to a certain level, the 'ghost' would return to the 'corpse'. However, with the execution of his plan, any hope that Squidward was still alive would be ripped away from him.
"How're we gonna do that?"
SpongeBob leaned towards Patrick and began whispering.
S-S-S-S-S
Eight minutes later…
S-S-S-S-S
Squidward strolled downstairs and stepped into the living room. He was now wearing a white nightgown that had been powdered. He laid down on the couch to take a celebratory nap. After a minute, he entered a long-awaited stream of thoughts where the two pests were not involved at all.
Patrick opened the fridge in the kitchen and took out a gallon of water. He took the cap off the gallon and ran up to Squidward. He then poured some of the gallon's water on Squidward's body, cleansing the spirit of the unburied corpse.
"What the Hades was that?!" Squidward sat up with a scowl. The powder on his face and gown had been washed away. "What do you think you're doing?"
SpongeBob walked up to Squidward. His face was as solemn as that of a funeral director after witnessing countless mournings. He was holding a bottle of anointing oil. "Initiation. That was part one of your ceremony." He sniffled. He then opened the bottle and allowed a few drips to drop on Squidward.
"Ceremony for what?" Squidward widened his eyes and raised his brow. He wiped off the oil that landed on his body and stood up. He adjusted the towel wrapped around his head.
SpongeBob lowered his gaze to the floor. He attempted to force a smile but only ended up with a trembling mouth. Squidward's now clear skin and fogless gown caused the dam pushing back his tears to nearly burst. The 'ghost' was now a spitting image of his 'dead' neighbor. "W-we're going to put you to rest."
'Zeus curse it! They always find some way to foil my schemes. But I'm not giving up just yet.' The 'ghost' narrowed his eyes and grit his teeth. "I don't want to be put to rest! All I want are those chores done. Now, did you clean the closet yet?" Without the powder, his fierce expressions no longer carried a ghostly aura.
"Yeah." SpongeBob nodded.
"Well, I'm going to go check." Squidward marched to the closet door.
CRRREEEAAAAK
Squidward opened the door. Inside the closet, he saw a long container that was made out of cardboard taped together. He cocked his brow again since he could not immediately recognize what the awkwardly-shaped handmade coffin was.
SpongeBob stepped into the closet with hands clasped together. He swallowed his heavy throat before saying: "Okay, get in." He pointed at the coffin.
Squidward screamed for a few seconds. He was like a chess player who was about to be put in checkmate. "Are you crazy? I'm not getting in that thing." He shook his head furiously and stepped away from the coffin. He gave his two servants a piercing glare.
"But you have a right to be properly buried. Don't you want to be taken to the Elysian Fields?" SpongeBob moved his clasped hands towards his heart, as if he was praying.
"I don't want to leave the physical world right now! Get out of my house!" Squidward pushed the two pests towards the front door. He then forced the two out of the tiki with a kick and closed the door with a SLAM.
S-S-S-S-S
Patrick looked at a nearby rock. "Don't we need a special stone for the burial? Maybe he got mad 'cause a coffin is not enough."
"You're right, Pat. I'm gonna make one right now." SpongeBob took out a pen from one of his pockets and walked towards a larger nearby rock. He crouched before the rock and carved the words 'R. I. P. SQUIDWARD TENTACLES 1983 - 2008' with the pen. When he reviewed what he wrote, he sighed. 'Why do the good folk die so young?' He stood up with a frown. "We're also gonna need some space for the coffin." He ran towards the pineapple and entered it.
A pause. Patrick whistled as he waited.
SpongeBob exited the pineapple while holding two shovels. He gave a shovel to Patrick. He then began to dig a space in the shape of a large rectangle in front of the tombstone.
"Alright." Patrick nodded and began to dig as well.
S-S-S-S-S
A few minutes later…
S-S-S-S-S
SLAM
Squidward barged the tiki's entrance open and stomped towards the two pests. He had seen what they had been doing through the living room window.
SpongeBob saw the 'ghost' through the corner of his eye. He took a deep breath before he turned and wore a smile. "Oh, hi Squidward. Does this look deep enough?" He pointed at the pit in front of the tombstone.
Patrick smiled calmly. "Just get into that coffin we made and we'll bring you into this hole to bury you." He pointed at Squidward's tiki. "We'll make sure you'll be buried near there."
Squidward raised his fist but then lowered it when he saw how deep the pit was and the words that had been engraved on the stone. He sighed and clenched the towel off his head. "SpongeBob, Patrick, I have a confession to make." His head leaned towards the ground, like a soldier forced to accept a humiliating defeat.
SpongeBob folded his hands together. His mouth began trembling again. "You're bald?"
Squidward looked up with a glower. "It's not that. I'm not a ghost. I'm alive. Get rid of that tombstone and leave me alone."
"So that body that was up there was fake?" SpongeBob tilted his head towards one side.
"Yep." Squidward nodded and turned around.
SpongeBob raised his index finger. His brows were furrowed in concern. "But master-"
Squidward glared at SpongeBob from the corner of his eye. His back was towards his two 'servants'. "I'm not you master, I'm your neighbor. Now do me a favor and please stop doing me favors." He began treading towards his home.
SpongeBob swallowed his lips. He nodded and bowed. He blurted: "As you wish, master."
Squidward groaned. He entered the tiki.
"Boy, he really had us fooled." Patrick had a blank stare.
SpongeBob gazed up at the stars that were beginning to appear in the evening sky. He spotted what he believed to be a constellation, a possible message from the deities. He shook his head. "Then why was he speaking in such a weird way? Why was his skin white when we first saw him? Patrick, he's the fool. He's a ghost in denial. He needs us now more than ever."
The sun was close to setting. The sky's orange was fading to a dark blue. Patrick looked up at the sky and began pondering about the location of Elysium. After several seconds of thought, he imagined it being on the clouds near Mt. Olympus. "You're right. He really needs to get up to the great beyond."
SpongeBob's eyes widened slightly. A light bulb in his head was on the cusp of being lit up. "Patrick, say that again."
"That again?" Patrick scratched his head.
"No, the other thing."
"I said that he really needs to get up to the great beyond."
SpongeBob then snapped his fingers and made a wide smile. "I've got an idea just for that." He took out a bottle of bubble soap and a bubble wand.
S-S-S-S-S
Squidward was watching his two neighbors from behind his tiki. He had overheard nearly their entire conversation. He narrowed his eyes at the sight of the bubble tools. He still had vivid memories of his tiki floating in the sky by the bubble he had made and the crash near Mr. Krabs' home. He looked up at the darkening sky and saw the moving lights of a few airplanes. 'There's no way I'll let that happen again.' He almost instinctively ran as far away from the tiki as possible. When he passed by a coral piece that was big enough, he dove towards it and hid behind it.
When he peeked from the coral stalk, he saw SpongeBob and Patrick searching through the tiki's backyard. SpongeBob's brows were knit in distress. Patrick was scratching his head as he struggled to think of a reason for Squidward's 'disappearance'. Squidward then slid back to the stalk when he felt like he had seen enough.
Squidward looked at his watch and realized that now would have been his scheduled time for dance practice. He then widened his eyes at the sudden remembrance of a fact. The dancing contest was tomorrow, and he had wasted the time he had left trying to fantasize his way out of his mediocre life. However, he clenched his fists and stood straight. 'At least I enjoyed using up that time. My dance moves have been perfected anyway.' He glanced from the coral piece at his tiki. The two pests were no longer in the backyard. 'Why the hell did SpongeBob and Patrick have to butt into my business? If they participate in the contest, they won't let me win. I bet the judges and the audience are going to be too amateurish to pick truly talented people like me. If I had moved somewhere else after I started working in the Krusty Krab, I wouldn't had had no competition to worry about.'
Squidward sat against the coral stalk as he pondered on what he should do next. He looked up to the sky again and gazed at the blinking stars. The celestial bodies seemed to be aligned in a way that made them look like the bow and arrow of Artemis. A light bulb lit up in his head. 'Not like I got anywhere else to turn to.' He stood up and walked towards a familiar location.
S-S-S-S-S
Twelve minutes later…
S-S-S-S-S
Squidward stood before a temple belonging to the Mysterian sect of the Olympian religion. It had marble columns that had a yellow tinge. Just below the front side of the temple's triangular roof, a depiction of the Olympian pantheon had been engraved into the marble. Overall, the temple looked similar to the Parthenon in the Acropolis of Athens. The candlelight shining out of the temple's entrance indicated that a daily ritual was occurring.
Although Squidward was not one to blindly believe in superstitions and was not very religious either; the mysticism that surrounded the sermons, prayers, and sacrifices allowed his mind to restore order and focus. Visiting a temple had cooled off his anger and had allowed him to think up solutions to his problems on many occasions.
Squidward walked up the large, polished steps to a tall figure wearing an orange robe. An eye symbol had been weaved to the torso area of the robe.
The figure stood straight with arms crossed. "State the password," a male voice escaped the figure's lips.
Squidward took a deep breath and then uttered: "Hail to the gods, hail to the Heroes, and may I fulfill my Arete," in an ecclesiastic form of ancient Greek.
The figure nodded and stepped out of the way. The temple's entrance was a giant double door that had engraved waves made out of silver. The figure then pushed the door's right side.
CRRREEEEAAAAAAKK
The ground trembled slightly as the giant door opened.
Squidward walked into the temple. Before him was a hallway whose ceiling stretched all the way up to the temple's roof. Statues depicting Poseidon, Apollo, Hera, Ares, Demeter, Dionysus and Hestia were on the right side of the hall. Statues depicting Hephaestus, Artemis, Zeus, Athena, Aphrodite, Hermes, and Hades, were on the left side of the hall. All statues had offerings beneath their pedestals in the form of locally grown flowers and burnt papers that had pleading demands written on them. Further down the hall were paintings that depicted famous sea-dwellers and air-breathers sanctified as Heroes. To allow believers to pray to the Heroes, a kneeler cushion had been placed in front of each painting.
The double door at the end of the hallway was sound-proof. It was covered by an oval circle that had a depiction of a serpent, composed of hardened coral pieces and engraved seafoam, seemingly wrapped around it. The combined images represented the Orphic egg and the cycle of metempsychosis. Two lit torches were above the door.
Squidward glanced at the statues as he walked through the hallway. There were much more offerings than he usually saw, but what really caught his eye was an offering that consisted of a month's wages. 'Maybe whoever put that there has a job as crappy as mine.' He wiped his baggy eyes.
He unlatched the double door and pushed it very slightly. He slipped through the ajar door's opening.
In the central room of the temple, dozens of people were playing bongos while encircling the hierophant. The hierophant was reciting in ecclesiastical Greek a prayer to Poseidon. Before her were a bundle of jellyfish being sacrificed by getting burned on a stake. Each of the jellyfish had been killed before the burning by getting pierced with a tiny spear. The center of the temple's roof had been opened to allow the sacrifice's smoke to escape the building.
When the jellyfish corpses became ashes, the fire was stopped by the splash of a bucket of water. The ashes were gathered by a few altar servers into one hole in the center of the room. The hierophant then stepped to the hole and poured into it a libation of fermented mangrove wine.
An altar server, with a giant spoon, then mixed the ash and wine thoroughly.
When the hierophant felt like a sufficient amount of time had passed, she pointed towards an altar server standing next to a pulley.
The altar server pulled the pulley. The sacrifice in the hole was flushed down a drain, beginning its journey towards the underwater equivalent of the surface world's oceans, the seas of goo.
The bongo players disassembled their circle but kept holding their instruments. All the worshipers who had gathered into the temple sat cross-legged in neat rows and columns before the hierophant.
The hierophant raised her hands towards the heavens for a prayer to complete the sacrifice ritual. Everybody in the building then chanted a prayer in unison while the bongo owners resumed the playing of their instruments.
Squidward's eyes were closed as he chanted his prayers. The wails of his fellow worshipers and the beat of the bongos combined to give off a haunting air. It sounded like the followers were getting swallowed up by an earthquake. The faces of some worshipers, especially of those wearing rags, were contorted in sincere pleading. After a minute of prayer, Squidward opened his eyes and saw the last puffs of smoke leave the hole in the temple's roof.
The imploring prayers of the worshipers ceased.
The hierophant walked up to the pulpit. She adjusted the microphone towards her mouth. "Fellow sisters and brothers, as you have shown through the earnestness in your prayers, our homeland is enduring unbearable hardships and crises. For some people, they are too focused on their own survival to remember the divine duties they have to fulfill. These obstacles are tests from the gods to see who will obtain Arete, the fulfillment of one's divine talents. Many of the Heroes throughout the history of our country started off as beggars before they reincarnated into the current beings that they are today. Even if you were to die from poverty in this life, as long as you contribute your skills to the church in the best way you can, you will be one step closer to obtaining godhood. You do not have to be as strong and agile as Odysseus or Heracles, but your efforts must be from the bottom of your heart. However, I have to remind you all that you will not be rewarded right away. Odysseus had to endure seven years of isolation from his family before being given an opportunity to return to his home. Regardless, the reward at the end of the chain of lives will make your contributions worth the sacrifice. The problems Micronesia is going through will eventually, like the war that accompanied the foundation of the Oceanic Union, fade away as the Holy Ones become pleased with our offerings. May you take the words of my sermon to heart as you leave this temple. May Apollo, Hestia, Zeus, Hephaestus, Demeter, Ares, Hermes, Hera, Aphrodite, Hades, Athena, Dionysus, Artemis; and Poseidon bless you as you carry on with your journeys." She then uttered a quick prayer in ecclesiastic Greek before standing down from the pulpit.
The assembled believers began leaving the central room in a few single-file lines. Squidward was among the last to leave the room. Within several minutes, all of the believers stepped out of the temple and dispersed.
S-S-S-S-S
Squidward, while walking down the temple's steps, perceived a glowing yellow object that was a few inches away from the building. He narrowed his eyes slightly. When he reached the ground, he slowly walked towards the object and leaned his head forward.
It was a magical paper, identical to the one SpongeBob had.
He picked up the paper and gazed at its glow. A light bulb suddenly lit up. A wide smirk slowly formed. 'Neptune, thank you for your help. With this, I'll make sure those two fools get exposed for what they are, people who have inferior talent to mine. I'll win the contest for sure.' He kissed the paper. He then held it up towards the starry sky, so that all of the gods could be aware of his appreciation.