Chapter 16: Hall Monitor
Several hours later…
S-S-S-S-S
SpongeBob, with a small drop of sweat running down his nose, was running towards an opened gate. Above and connected to the gate was a green wooden sign with the words 'Mrs. Puff's Boating School' painted on it with red paint.
"I'm ready-eady-eady-eady-eady-eady-eady-eady-ready," he chanted. He passed through the gate, running down a boardwalk.
Ahead of him was a small yellow building and a lighthouse, which were right next to each other. On both sides of the boardwalk were parked boatmobiles.
A female pufferfish that had short blonde hair and a blue hat was standing behind the window of the yellow building.
"I'm ready! Here I come, Mrs. Puff! I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready." SpongeBob quickened his pace.
S-S-S-S-S
The female pufferfish was watching SpongeBob from that window. Upon seeing the sweat he was sprinkling to the boardwalk, she sighed. She then moved her gaze to the students practicing by driving their boatmobiles through the driving course, which wounded around the campus. She held a hand over her brow to shield her eyes from the sunlight. "I'm not ready," she said hoarsely. When she could hear the squeaks of SpongeBob's shoes, she pulled the front door open.
SpongeBob skidded to a stop before the pufferfish. "Hi, Mrs. Puff! Today is the day I'm going to pass my boating exam!"
Mrs. Puff's eyes were half-closed. She took out a pen and a clipboard. "We'll see about that, SpongeBob. First we must-"
"First I must pass the oral exam. I am confident in my abilities to successfully succeed." SpongeBob clasped his hands together behind his back.
Mrs. Puff flipped to a page that had SpongeBob's full name on it. "I know. Okay, number one. What is the front of the boat?"
"The bow," said SpongeBob.
Mrs. Puff scribbled SpongeBob's answer. "What is the back?"
"Stern."
"Right is-" said Mrs. Puff.
SpongeBob stood on tip-toe. "Starboard, port, skipper, deck, cabin, galley, keel, 1924."
Mrs. Puff wrote down all of the spoken answers. "You've passed the oral test." She rolled her eyes. "What a surprise." She flipped to the last page on the clipboard. "Now it's time to once again take the driving portion of the exam."
SpongeBob's heartbeat quickened. As he visualized what he thought proper driving looked like, all of the technical information he had memorized over many years slipped into his subconsciousness. He gulped. He repeatedly opened and closed his hands in a futile attempt at pushing away vivid memories of previous crashes.
Mrs. Puff snapped her fingers.
The front door was open.
SpongeBob wore a smile. "My bad." He followed her out of the building.
S-S-S-S-S
Less than a minute later…
S-S-S-S-S
SpongeBob and Mrs. Puff were standing before a typical boatmobile. The driver's seat had extra cushioning. Both the seat and the steering wheel had been adjusted to SpongeBob's body proportions.
Mrs. Puff, upon perceiving that SpongeBob was glancing at everything else that was not the boat, took a deep breath. "Okay, get in the boat." She crossed her arms.
SpongeBob's legs were trembling. The tension that had built up within his body was so severe that his vision had become distorted. He could not tell west from east or north from south. He saw two blurry boats in front of him. "O-Oh, in these boats? Right here?" He glanced at his watch. "Is it time already?"
A pause.
"Get in the boat, SpongeBob." Mrs. Puff put her 'hands' on her hips.
SpongeBob stepped out of the boardwalk and felt the left boat. Upon feeling its solidity, the left boat and right boat fused into one vehicle. "Oh yeah, absolutely." He giggled with raised brows. He took a wide tip-toe into the boat. Making sure not to step on the brake or the gas pedal, he gently lowered himself to the driver's seat.
Mrs. Puff sat next to him. "All you have to do is get on the track." She put on her seatbelt. She adjusted her seat to a distance where she can both watch the road and stay as far away from the boat's stern as possible.
SpongeBob put on his seatbelt. He moved his gaze to the road ahead of him and took hold of the steering wheel. After what seemed like thirty minutes, the road lengthened until the gates of the campus became swallowed by the horizon. The other students driving through the course became indistinct lines of motion. His heartbeat became so strong that it seemingly clogged his throat.
"Okay, SpongeBob, what's the first thing you do?" said Mrs. Puff.
SpongeBob took many shallow breaths, as if he had exposed his head to the world above the ocean surface. "1924?"
Mrs. Puff tightened her grip on the clipboard. "No, no. First thing is to start the boat." She grabbed the key, which was had been lying on the boatmobile's front; jabbed it into the keyhole next to the steering wheel, and twisted it.
SpongeBob gasped. His body perceived the vibrations coming from the purr of the boatmobile's engine as an earthquake. While clenching his teeth, his body violently shook up and down.
"SpongeBob? SpongeBob?" Mrs. Puff pushed down SpongeBob's shoulder with one hand, causing his body to stay in place. "Relax, it's only the boat."
"The boat?" SpongeBob was staring into space.
Mrs. Puff looked behind her shoulder, watching the other boatmobiles coming to a stop. "Okay, now what do you do next?"
"Floor it?" SpongeBob gripped the steering wheel with one hand and the shift stick with the other. He was now perceiving that the street was widening.
"Yes..." blurted Mrs. Puff. After a few seconds of looking at a gray cloud among a band of white clouds, she widened her eyes. She sat up and gasped. "No, no! Don't floor it!"
"Floor it?" SpongeBob leaned forward.
Mrs. Puff was frantically shaking her head. "No, no, don't, don't floor it!"
"Okay, floor it." SpongeBob, while watching the yellow lines of the road move in the direction opposite of what the car was facing, pulled the shift stick to 'R' and pushed down on the gas pedal as hard as he could.
VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM
The boatmobile rapidly drove backwards. It SCREEEECHed whenever SpongeBob turned the steering wheel. It pushed away a male student who was exiting his vehicle.
CRRRAASSSH
The boatmobile drove a hole through the lighthouse, causing several chunks of walls painted red or white to collapse around it.
Mrs. Puff expanded to over five times her size. The change in her body's size altered her vocal cords and a few other organs. "Oh, SpongeBob, why~?" she said in a deep voice.
"My leg… my leg!" The male student was sitting on the street while clinging to his left leg, which had a bruise on its shin.
S-S-S-S-S
All of the pineapple's rooms had no light; save for the bedroom, which had a candle.
SpongeBob, inside his bedroom, was sitting on a wooden chair. The hardness of the chair's seat brought a dull pain to his rear. He was leaning against a table that had been placed before the chair, with his head resting on his crossed arms. Staring at candlelight flickering through the slits of vision his slightly opened eyes provided, he slowly sat up. When his eyes became adjusted to the candlelight, he blew at the candle from a certain angle, strengthening its flame. He then wiped the drool below his lips and on the opened driver's manual.
Patrick, who had grown exhausted from dictating the manual's contents to SpongeBob, was lying on the floor with his eyes closed.
Gary was sleeping on Patrick's belly.
When SpongeBob perceived that Patrick was beginning to stir, he said: "It's gonna happen again?"
Patrick opened his eyes widely. "What's gonna happen again?"
"The road test…" SpongeBob turned his chair towards Patrick. He leaned forward and rested his chin on his clasped hands. "I'm gonna fail it again."
Patrick pointed at the table. "But you studied real hard today. We even pretended to be cars to help you visualize how it'll be like."
SpongeBob sighed. "It's just… I don't know why, but I know that I'll fail it again. I've already taken it thirty-seven times."
Gary opened his eyestalks. "Meow."
SpongeBob's gaze fell to the floor. "Okay, thirty-eight."
"If the book's not gonna help you, just use your common sense." Patrick held out his hands in a certain manner towards the ceiling, forming an invisible square. "If you're able to see, you'll also be able to walk since you can guide your legs to where you wanna go."
"But I'm like a body who can stand but can't walk. I still have more things to learn."
"But can't babies walk only for a few seconds before falling back down?" Patrick sat up. He placed Gary on the floor. "I think those who get those 'car cards' still make mistakes early on."
"You don't get it, Pat. Driving's a lot more complicated than that." SpongeBob rubbed his forehead. "You gotta plan your turns, know who's behind you and ahead of you, check your speed, watch for signs and lights-"
"That's still like walking." Patrick stood up. He held his arms forward and took high steps towards SpongeBob. "You have to watch where you're going. Before you know it, you'll stub your toe."
"It's that…" SpongeBob held his arms forward and gripped the air as if he was gripping an invisible steering wheel. "When I'm behind the wheel, I can't think straight. It's as if the moment I step inside the car, my mind steps out and goes somewhere else."
Patrick halted. "Then just bring it back. Brains aren't that heavy."
"I'm speaking figuratively, not literally."
"Literally.." Patrick put a hand on his chin. After a minute of staring at the candlelight, a light bulb lit up in his head. He shoved the walkie-talkie from SpongeBob's pocket through one of the holes that led to the center of SpongeBob's head. He then yanked the rightmost door open with a SLAM and ran downstairs
SpongeBob was looking at the opened doorway with a raised brow.
S-S-S-S-S
Ten minutes later…
S-S-S-S-S
SpongeBob, resting his head on his hand, was reading the driver's manual. He was rereading each sentence ten times.
"SpongeBob, this is star ranger, over."
"What is it, Patrick?"
"I got a surprise for you!"
"Not now, Pat. I'm not in the mood."
"Stand up."
SpongeBob sighed and stood up. "Okay, now what?"
"Go to the left door for a surprise."
SpongeBob walked to the leftmost door. "Okay, I'm at the left door."
"Listen carefully. What's pink and square at the same time?"
"I dunno."
SLAM
Patrick pushed the leftmost door open. He was standing on the slide to the library while holding his own walkie-talkie. He was wearing SpongeBob's signature shirt and squarepants. "Patrick SquarePants!"
SpongeBob frowned and glanced at the table. "Don't do that. I've got too much to worry about."
"But I'm here to help!" Patrick pointed at the antenna sticking out of SpongeBob's head. "I'm your mind now."
SpongeBob put his hands on his hips. 'What're you trying to do?"
"Since you probably know all of the answers, I[m just gonna do the thinking for you." Patrick moved his walkie-talkie towards his mouth. "Pat to Sponge, Pat to Sponge, testing, testing." He hopped through the doorway. "Testing, testing, testing, testing, testing, testing! Testing! TESTING! AH~! TEST! Do you read?!"
Patrick's electronic voice echoed inside SpongeBob's head.
"Sponge to Pat, I hear you loud and clear." SpongeBob leaned his head from one side to the other until the walkie-talkie fit comfortably near his earlobe. He tossed the manual to the table and held a thumbs-up. "This is great! While I'm taking the road test, you can give me all the answers." Upon flicking a bit of dust form the top of his head, he felt the walkie-talkie's antenna sticking out from a hole in that area. "Wait a minute… won't I look silly with this antenna coming out of my head?"
"I knew this would happen." Patrick took out a tall cowboy hat form his pocket and placed it over the antenna sticking out of SpongeBob's head.
SpongeBob took out a small mirror and looked at his reflection. He nodded. "Looks neat." He put away the mirror.
S-S-S-S-S
A few hours later...
S-S-S-S-S
SpongeBob was sleeping with only side of his face exposed. The rest of his head, including the antenna, was covered by the pillow.
The hour and minute hands of the foghorn's clock shifted, indicating that it was 7:00 AM.
HOOOOOONNNNNNK
The alarm of the foghorn went off.
SpongeBob frowned and slowly opened his baggy eyes. From the walkie-talkie inside him, he heard Patrick's yawning. Within the limbo between dreams and consciousness, images of the countless pages in the driver's manual that he read a few hours ago flashed through his mental vision. He wiped the flakes from the corners of his eyelids. He stretched an arm towards the foghorn, turning it off with a CLICK.
Gary's eyes opened slightly. In a state of slight dizziness, he unsteadily slithered towards the door to the stairs.
SpongeBob looked at the calendar from the corner of his eye. The date of April # had been circled with a red marker. The words 'boating exam today!' and the specific time his test would begin were written inside the date's box. He took a deep breath and sat up. "This is it, Gary," he said quietly. He slipped on his socks and shoes, which had been placed just before his feet. He then slid to the floor.
"Meow," Gary uttered in a tone just as quiet as SpongeBob's.
"Okay, Sponge, before you go out, you gotta have the right things first."
S-S-S-S-S
Ten minutes later…
S-S-S-S-S
SpongeBob stepped through the pineapple's front door. All the lint on his hat had been removed.
"Got your apple ready?"
SpongeBob took out an apple from his pocket for a few seconds before putting it back in.
"Lucky undergarments?" Patrick was sitting near his rock's antenna. His walkie-talkie was on his lap. He was holding a telescope towards SpongeBob and was adjusting it so that it focused on his clothes. "Hold on. Hold on."
SpongeBob took hold of his pink underwear, which had the word 'LUCKY' near the top of its front, and held it above his squarepants for a few seconds.
"Bingo! Underwear, apple, and me. You're ready to get that license."
SpongeBob grabbed a unicycle, which he had placed near the entrance, and pedaled it in the boating school's direction. 'No turning back now.' With a smirk, brows furrowed, fists closed, and crossed arms; he leaned in that direction. As he kept his eyes towards the horizon, he was imagining what his license would look like and the jubilation he would see in his parents' faces upon hearing the news of his victory. "I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!"
Patrick hopped to the ground, tossed the telescope into a trash can, and followed SpongeBob.
S-S-S-S-S
Nineteen minutes later…
S-S-S-S-S
Upon reaching a dumpster, SpongeBob slowed his unicycle to a stop, hopped to the ground, and tilted it so that it leaned against the dumpster without touching the garbage bags sticking out of its top. He stroked the unicycle's body, wiping off the sand particles it had gathered. "Well, pal, I won't be needing you anymore." He ran towards the boating school's campus.
"But you need me! Without your mind, how can you even… think?"
SpongeBob giggled. "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to the unicycle."
"Oh… He's a friend of yours?"
"You can say that." SpongeBob focused his gaze on the front door of the yellow building at the boardwalk's end. "I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!" Upon reaching the boardwalk, his movement became a mix of skipping and running. "Oh yeah, I'm ready!"
"Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yes!" A green male fish that SpongeBob had shared boating classes with pushed the front door open and ran down the boardwalk in the opposite direction. He halted before SpongeBob. "Hey, I just got my license!" With his fin, he twirled his license towards SpongeBob.
SpongeBob snapped both of his fingers towards him. "Hey Gus, I'm getting mine next!"
"Heh, I doubt it!" Gus resumed his running.
"Okay, see you on the road!" SpongeBob waved towards him. He then resumed his mix of skipping and running. "I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!"
S-S-S-S-S
Patrick was watching SpongeBob from a large rock that was a few inches away from the campus' gate. He perceived the faint colors of a pufferfish moving through the windows.
S-S-S-S-S
"Uh-oh, here comes Mrs. Puff! Act natural."
SpongeBob stood on all-fours. "Moo."
"No, no, get in the boat!"
SpongeBob bit his lip, hopped into the driver's seat of the nearest boatmobile, and put on his seatbelt. He folded his hands together on his lap.
Mrs. Puff stepped out of the yellow building. Upon seeing SpongeBob smiling confidently while sitting in a boat, her eyes widened. 'Well, this is new.' She turned to a certain page on her clipboard as she briskly walked to the boat.
"Give her the apple."
When Mrs. Puff sat next to SpongeBob, he gave her his apple. "Here you go, ma'am." He bent his head slightly.
"Let's get this over with." Mrs. Puff swallowed the apple in one gulp.
"She's gonna be starting the oral test now. Say the magic phrase."
SpongeBob inhaled deeply before saying: "Stern-starboard-port-skipper-deck-cabin-galley-keel-1924."
Mrs. Puff stared at SpongeBob for a few seconds before scribbling down all of his answers. She flipped to another page on her clipboard and put on her seatbelt. "What's the first thing you do?"
"Start the boat."
SpongeBob stuck out his tongue slightly as he inserted the key into the keyhole and twisted it.
The sound of the car's engine reminded Mrs. Puff of the VVVVRRROOOOOMMMs the car would make whenever SpongeBob was about to cause an accident. Her body violently shook up and down.
"Mrs. Puff! Mrs. Puff!" SpongeBob, with both hands, gently held Mrs. Puff's left arm.
After a few seconds, Mrs. Puff's body stopped shaking. "Whoa-ho! Huh? What?"
SpongeBob patted Mrs. Puff's shoulder. He was biting his tongue as a way of fighting back the urge to giggle. "It's okay, it's only the boat."
Mrs. Puff reclined her seat. "The boat? You started the boat?"
SpongeBob cracked his knuckles. "Yep." He took hold of the steering wheel.
"Oh, well…" Mrs. Puff glanced in all directions until she regained her train of thought. "What's the second thing you do?"
"1924?"
"No, no, put it in drive."
"Put it in drive?" SpongeBob looked at Mrs. Puff from the corner of his eye. His lips were pursed.
Mrs. Puff sat up with a grin. "Yes, yes, yes!"
SpongeBob pulled the shift stick to 'D'.
"Put it in drive. Now what?" said Mrs. Puff.
SpongeBob's heartbeat was quickening again. He perceived that the particles contained in the road's asphalt were beginning to move around. He lifted his right leg over the gas pedal. "Floor it?"
"NO! NO!" Mrs. Puff was shaking her head while waving her arms.
"Freeze, mister!" said Patrick just before SpongeBob's foot was about to touch the gas pedal.
SpongeBob's foot halted.
"Big toe."
SpongeBob's foot, with the big toe leaning forward, gently pressed the gas pedal.
The boatmobile moved at a moderate pace down the road. It was approaching a left curve. Behind the left curve was a brick wall with the word 'WALL' painted on it in red letters.
"Oh, gracious. Oh, gracious." Mrs. Puff was listening to the quiet purr of the boatmobile's engine as if it was a hymn being sung by a Muse. "Ha ha! We haven't even crashed yet." She was gazing at SpongeBob's hands, which remained still on the wheel save for a few adjustments.
"Okay, you're coming to the first turn."
Mrs. Puff moved her gaze back to the road ahead of her. "Oh no, the first turn!" She braced her back against her seat's reclined cushion. "Please, tell me you know what to do at the first turn!" She covered her eyes with both hands.
"Left."
SpongeBob nodded. He gradually pressed the brake until the boatmobile moved at a fourth of its original speed. He then turned the steering wheel to his left at a ninety-degree angle.
The boatmobile, as it made the left turn, did not touch the edges of the road at all.
The boatmobile's turn was so smooth that Mrs. Puff initially did not notice that it had turned. She moved her hands away from her eyes, sat up, and perceived that the brick wall was moving behind the boatmoible. "Oh!"
"Right."
The boatmobile did a perfect right turn.
"Oh!" Mrs. Puff clapped. "Oh my, this is splendid." While shakily holding her pen, she checked boxes and scribbled notes on her clipboard. "SpongeBob, you're doing just fine."
SpongeBob held up a thumbs-up. Upon seeing a 'STOP' sign near an intersection and hearing another of Patrick's commands, he brought the car to a gradual stop before a white line that had been painted across the street.
An old male fish, leaning on a cane, was standing on the left side of the street.
SpongeBob waved his hand and winked.
The old male fish smiled and slowly walked across the street.
Mrs. Puff's jaw had dropped.
S-S-S-S-S
Several minutes later…
S-S-S-S-S
The boatmobile was approaching a black and white checkered line that was nearly a foot behind the point where the boatmobile had started moving.
"Splendid! Wonderful!" Mrs. Puff was clapping again. She pointed at the checkered line. "There's the finish line." She glanced at the clipboard. SpongeBob's page had perfect marks on every aspect of the test. "It's unbelievable. You've shown the most spectacular improvement of any student I've ever seen." She reclined her seat until it was a flat as a bed, allowing the breeze to brush against her face. "What's your secret? A little radio in your head?" She chuckled. "Oh, and under that hat is some kind of, uhh… antenna?" She laughed. "And some guy far away is giving you all the answers?" She shook her head. "But that would be cheating."
SpongeBob's eyes widened. His grip on the steering wheel loosened. His heartbeat quickened as vivid images of photos of boatmobile crashes shown on the news flashed through his mental vision. The checkered line distorted into the red tape of a crime scene.
"Cheating?" Patrick's laughing could be heard from the other end.
"I-I'm cheating?!" SpongeBob's breathing became shallow again. The small rocks the boatmobile's wheels bumped into felt like, to him, the bodies of dead animals. "Mrs. Puff!" His eyes moistened.
"Yes, my star pupil?" Mrs. Puff adjusted her seat back to its normal angle.
"I think I'm cheating," SpongeBob nearly whispered. Only his index fingers were now gripping the steering wheel.
The boatmobile steadiness began to falter. It repeatedly swerved slightly to its left and right.
Mrs. Puff raised a brow. "What's that, dear?"
SpongeBob grabbed Mrs. Puff's shoulders with both arms, forcing her to face him. "I think I'm cheating!"
Mrs. Puff blanched. She shakily pointed at the steering wheel. "You've… you've let go of the wheel."
A few tears were running down SpongeBob's cheeks. His blurry vision caused him to perceive Mrs. Puff's blue hat as that of a police officer. "It's true! I do have an antenna under my hat!" He took off his cowboy hat and leaned his head towards Mrs. Puff, letting his antenna touch her chin.
Mrs. Puff's brows furrowed. For a few seconds, she felt like she had been put under the spell of a hallucinogenic.
"There's a guy giving giving me the answers! It's all true!" SpongeBob was wailing. His tears were beginning to stain his white shirt. His eyes were shut and his cheeks were red as he gasped for breath. "I'm cheating! I'm ch-cheating! I'm cheating!"
"What?"
S-S-S-S-S
Patrick glanced around but did not see any police boatmobiles nearby. He then ran towards his rock with hands flung towards the sky.
S-S-S-S-S
SpongeBob was clinging to Mrs. Puff's forearms like a child would to his parent. He buried his face against Mrs. Puff's chest. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Puff, I'm sorry!"
Mrs. Puff took off her seatbelt. She was stretching both of her arms towards the steering wheel but could not reach it since SpongeBob's body was blocking her way. "The wheel, SpongeBob! The wheel!"
The boatmobile swerved to the opposite direction. It pushed a few red cones out of the way.
"Cheating- I'm a cheater!" A drip of mucus was running down from SpongeBob's nose to his lips. "Cheater!"
The boatmobile was heading for the brick wall.
The tips of one of Mrs. Puff's hands managed to touch the steering wheel. "No, no, no! It's quite alright!" Several sweat drops were running down her brow. She used her other hand to begin attempting to pull SpongeBob off his seat, but he would not move. "You can cheat!"
"No! I'm chea~ting!" SpongeBob laid his face against the wheel. His nose pressed against the horn button.
BEEEEEEEEEEEP
The boatmobile's horn blared, causing the other incoming boatmobiles to move off of the road.
SCREEEEEeeeeeeEEEEEeeeeeeEEEEECH
SpongeBob's boatmobile swerved in circles, leaving tire marks on the road.
Mrs. Puff managed to stop the vehicle's swerving by keeping a steady grip on the steering wheel. She then moved the vehicle until it was perpendicular to the street. "At least, SpongeBob-"
SpongeBob turned around and hugged his seat. "Cheating!" The seat's cushion absorbed his tears.
Mrs. Puff peeled SpongeBob from his seat, turned him around, and pointed at the finish line. "Cheat that way!"
SpongeBob's eyes were shut so tightly that he had developed a headache. "I'm a cheater, cheater, pumpkin eate~r!" He crossed his arms, leaned his head downward, and sunk until he was sitting below the steering wheel. His right foot touched the gas pedal.
VRRRROOOOMM
The boatmobile bumped a few other parked boatmobiles away as if they were hockey pucks. It was heading for the boardwalk.
A male student had been sitting in one of the parked cars. He clutched his injured leg and rolled himself out of his vehicle. "My leg!"
Mrs. Puff took off her seatbelt. "It's okay to cheat today!" She grit her teeth as she squeezed her body between the two seats. She was now holding the steering wheel with both hands. She hastily turned the steering wheel to her right.
The boatmobile swerved to the right, passing through the parking lot and returning to the road.
"No!" said SpongeBob.
Mrs. Puff yanked SpongeBob's head, shoving him back into his seat. "That way! Cheat that way!" She gestured towards the finish line with both arms outstretched.
"Cheater!" SpongeBob covered his face with his shirt.
The boatmobile moved off the road.
C-CRIK
The boatmobile drove through the gate, breaking away the meshes of wires.
CRRAASSH
The boatmobile hit the rock Patrick had been hiding behind. Its bow became as compressed as a crumpled piece of paper.
Mrs. Puff puffed up until she was triple the size of the vehicle. She closed her eyes and sighed. "Oh, SpongeBob, why~?" she said in her deep voice.
SpongeBob wiped the tears from his eyes. His breathing had regained a normal pace. "Mrs. Puff, I think I cheated." He grabbed the antenna and pulled the walkie-talkie out of his head. "I'm sorry for letting you down again."
The sirens of an ambulance could be heard from a distance.
Mrs. Puff opened her eyes. The sparkles remaining in SpongeBob's eyes melted away the tension that was burning in her. "It's okay, SpongeBob. You didn't mean it." Upon seeing the ambulance parking and a group of paramedics with a stretcher, she leaned back. "Okay, boys, take me away."
The paramedics grabbed Mrs. Puff, placed her on the stretcher, dragged the stretcher to the ambulance, and squeezed Mrs. Puff's still-bloated body into the ambulance. After they all entered the vehicle, the ambulance's siren resumed.
SpongeBob hopped out of the boatmobile. He waved at the ambulance as it shrunk towards the horizon. He then cupped both of his hands around his mouth. "Don't worry, Mrs. Puff! I'll try harder next semester!"
"Hey, Sponge!" Patrick was jogging towards SpongeBob. He was still wearing SpongeBob's clothes. He was holding the unicycle.
SpongeBob turned towards Patrick and took a deep breath. He held out his walkie-talkie towards Patrick. "I don't want this anymore… It's tainted."
"Why?" said Patrick.
SpongeBob pointed at the crashed boatmobile.
"Oh." Patrick swallowed his lips. After staring at the boatmobile, he pushed back SpongeBob's outstretched hand. "You should still keep it."
"I can't." SpongeBob shoved his walkie-talkie into Patrick's free hand. "I cheated on the road test."
SpongeBob's walkie-talkie slipped off of Patrick's hand and landed on the ground. Patrick perceived the sweat SpongeBob's walkie-talkie had gathered. "But alotta people still make mistakes after getting that 'card'." He pointed at himself with his 'thumb'. "My dad surely wasn't perfect at driving either."
"It doesn't matter who gets away with it or not!" SpongeBob grabbed Patrick's tie and tugged it, forcing Patrick to look at him in the eye. "If I got that license, I would've ended up causing an accident bigger than this one..." His lips were quivering. "...or even kill somebody." He pointed in the direction of the ambulance. "Because of me being a barnacle head, I hurt Mrs. Puff, and I'm gonna keep doing that until I learn to drive right."
Patrick was staring at the stains on SpongeBob's shirt. He gulped. "Did you get hurt too?"
SpongeBob shook his head.
Patrick gently pushed SpongeBob's hand away from his collar. "I still think you should keep that talk-walkie thingy. I heard on the news today that the crime rate's been going up. Alotta people are getting their things stolen."
"Really? I thought things've been pretty peaceful for a while."
"But what about those riots between the bisects?" said Patrick.
"Sects?" said SpongeBob.
"Yeah."
SpongeBob put a hand on his chin and looked towards the ground. After a few seconds, he picked up his walkie-talkie. 'Better safe than sorry.' "Well, Pat, I gotta go to the hospital."
"Why?!" Patrick grabbed both sides of SpongeBob's body and glanced at the tear stains. "You got hurt anywhere?"
"No!" SpongeBob giggled. "I just wanna visit Mrs. Puff." He tilted the unicycle until it was standing straight.
"Are you gonna come back home after that?"
SpongeBob shook his head. "Class is gonna resume after she comes back."
"How do you know that?"
"Whenever she gets hurt from an accident of mine, it's never so bad that she can't come back to class after an hour," said SpongeBob. "If you don't pass the road test, class continues like normal."
"Oh."
SpongeBob hopped to the unicycle's seat and pedaled in the ambulance's direction. He waved towards Patrick. "See ya later!"
S-S-S-S-S
An hour later...
S-S-S-S-S
In a classroom inside the yellow building at the boating school's campus, SpongeBob was sitting at his desk. Alongside him were several other students. They were reading through textbooks while, on their notebooks, answering assigned questions.
One of Mrs. Puff's arms was wrapped in a cast. She glanced at the clock, "Everyone, put down your books, 'cause it's time to pick out the hall monitor of the week!"
SpongeBob sat up. His grip on his pencil had tightened so much that it flew from his hand and stabbed the ceiling.
Mrs. Puff stepped to the attendance sheet. "Let's see here..." She glanced at the names and whether certain boxes next to them had special marks or hot. "This week's hall monitor will be Bart, no, Jimmy, no, Tina... no, Ralph?" She leaned towards the sheet and then gasped. "Sp-SpongeBob...!"
SpongeBob leaned forward and, with a SCREEECH, pushed his desk towards Mrs. Puff. He was now between two desks.
Mrs. Puff's heartbeat quickened. "It's Jimmy!" She closed the book that had the attendance sheet. "Jimmy's the hall monitor."
Jimmy was slouching on his seat with half-closed eyes. "Mrs. Puff, I've done it already."
SCREEECH
Mrs. Puff's casted arm began to tremble. "Phil?"
Phil's head was resting on his fin. "No way, Mrs. Puff."
SCREEECH
"Uhh..." Mrs. Puff glanced at all of the other students in the room, daring not to glance at the yellow blur moving towards her. A sweatdrop ran down from her hat. "Tina, you're the hall monitor."
"I've done it three times already!" said Tina.
SCREEECH
"U-uh..." Mrs. Puff took a step back. "B-Beth!"
"She graduated," said a female student.
SCREEECH
"Henry?!" said Mrs. Puff.
SCREEECH
"Vera?!"
SCREEECH
"Clayton?!" Mrs. Puff winced upon feeling the tip of a desk touching her belly. She then looked down, perceiving that SpongeBob had dragged his desk all the way to her. She sighed. "Alright, I guess I have no choice." With her head tilted downward, she took out a blue kepi that had a fake purple shell on its center and a blue belt that had a purple shell-shaped buckle with the dark letters 'HM' on it. She then held the clothes towards SpongeBob. "The hall monitor of the day is..." She took a deep breath. "...SpongeBob."
"Yahoo~!" SpongeBob leaped so high that he nearly touched the ceiling. When his feet returned to the floor, he did a military salute. "Hall monitor SpongeBob reporting for duty, ma'am! I am ready to assume my position... in the hall!I will protect all that are weak... in the hall! All rules will be enforced... in the hall!"
"Okay!" Mrs. Puff rolled her eyes. "Just take the hat and belt."
SpongeBob held out a hand. "I can't accept that yet, ma'am." He dug into his pocket until he took out a folded paper. "First, I have to make my speech." He unfolded the paper.
"You can't make this easy, can you?" Mrs. Puff folded her arms.
SpongeBob turned towards the other desks. His gaze moved to the dense paragraphs he had written in cursive on the paper. "Classmates! Who am I to deserve such a great honor? Why, I would be nothing without Mrs. Puff."
"Gimme a break." Mrs. Puff, with half-closed eyes, sat at her desk.
"And to my public, all I can say is... I'm touched. And furthermore," SpongeBob held up an index finger. "I will carry on my duties..."
S-S-S-S-S
Twenty minutes later...
S-S-S-S-S
All of the other students had either fallen asleep or were texting through their phones.
Mrs. Puff, with her eyes nearly closed, had her cheek resting on a hand.
SpongeBob was now standing on top of his desk as if it was a podium. On his desk's empty seat was the belt and the buckle, which Mrs. Puff had placed. Not a single wrinkle of tiredness appeared on his face. "...crime and punishment, punishment and crime in the hall! Which reminds me of an extremely long speech written by the greatest hall monitor of all time." He folded the paper, put it away, and took out a roll of papers taped together. He unrolled it, letting its bottom edge touch the floor. "Friends, students, juvenile delinquents, lend me your ears."
The bell rung.
The students hopped out of their seats and squeezed their way through the doorway.
SpongeBob, upon perceiving that they had not been looking at him at all, lowered his gaze. "Aww, tartar sauce." He stepped down from his desk, rolled the taped papers, and stuffed it into his pocket.
Mrs. Puff saw a faint redness in SpongeBob's eyes. "SpongeBob, are you okay?" She sat up.
SpongeBob looked at Mrs. Puff from the corner of his eye. "I overdid the speech, didn't I?"
"I'm afraid so."
"I guess I won't be needing this." SpongeBob took hold of the belt and the buckle. He gazed at them as a soreness formed in his throat. "I hardly knew ya." Without making eye contact with Mrs. Puff, he dropped them to her desk. He then walked towards the doorway with hanging arms.
Mrs. Puff perceived that, due to SpongeBob's head hanging down, his height had shortened to that of a boy. She put her fins together. "Uhh... SpongeBob?"
SpongeBob stopped. "Yes, Mrs. Puff?" he nearly whispered.
Upon seeing SpongeBob's quivering lips, Mrs. Puff exhaled through her nose-holes. "I can at least let you wear it for the next few days."
SpongeBob gasped. He quickly wiped his eyes, grabbed the belt and the buckle, and put them on. "A-hoo!" He cartwheeled around the room. "Thanks, Mrs. Puff!" He dashed through the doorway.
Mrs. Puff stared at the doorway, listening to SpongeBob's rapid footsteps down the hallway. As she imagined what SpongeBob would do outside her classroom, her casted arm touched the blackboard. Upon feeling a sharp sting from the casted arm, she gulped and glanced at the attendance sheet. "What are the consequences of what I've just done?"
S-S-S-S-S
Several minutes later…
S-S-S-S-S
SpongeBob was walking down the sidewalk of a street in the downtown area. He was humming a tune he had created in his imagination. As he reached an intersection, he noticed congested lines of boatmobiles from all four directions standing before red traffic lights that would not change color at all. He put a finger on his chin and a hand on his hip. "A broken traffic light…!" A light bulb lit up in his head as he stepped off the curb. "Who's to say my monitor duties should end just because the bell rung? I can be helpful anywhere!" He ran to the center of the intersection. "This looks like a job for the hall monitor!" He took out a whistle from his pocket and put it between his lips.
HWEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWW
While blowing through the whistle and gesturing through both hands, he navigated the cars into certain directions.
S-S-S-S-S
Nine minutes later…
S-S-S-S-S
Piles of wrecked boatmobiles were in all four streets from the intersection. Various citizens were attempting to squeeze their way out of the piles.
"My leg! My leg!" A male citizen was lying on the ground while clutching his shin with both arms.
SpongeBob was skipping down one of the sidewalks. The parked boatmobiles blocked him from seeing the crash sites. "What would this city do without you, SpongeBob?" He adjusted his belt buckle. He tipped his hat towards a few citizens who had managed to reach the sidewalk.
S-S-S-S-S
A few minutes later…
S-S-S-S-S
SpongeBob was marching down the side of a sidewalk-less street that had cracks and pockets of ripped-off asphalt bordered by a fence. On both sides of the street and nearby blocks were apartments that had boarded-up windows and were made out of bricks that had aged to an almost gray color. Faint smells of smoke and worm poop could be detected.
He was chanting: "On patrol~… on patrol~…"
He eventually approached a group of scattered wrappers.
"On patr-o~l…! Guess I'm gonna have to do litter patrol too." SpongeBob grabbed a plastic bag lying nearby. "May Neptune shine brightly on my harvest." He proceeded to pick up the wrappers and put them into the bag. He eventually picked up a wrapper that had a faint smudge of chocolate on it,. "Looks like someone missed the trash bucket, huh, Mr. Candy wrapper?" He chuckled. "Kids these days."
A wrapper fell to the street.
"I've never seen such an epidemic!" With his tongue sticking out slightly, SpongeBob stuffed the rest of the wrappers into the bag. He then straightened his posture. "Well, at least it's all over for now."
Another wrapper fell to the street.
"Where is all this litter coming from?!" SpongeBob grabbed it.
A puddle of pink ice cream learned before SpongeBob.
"There must be a vandal 'round these parts." SpongeBob glanced around with narrowed eyes. He then dipped his finger into the puddle and licked the ice cream that got on his finger. "Hmmm…" He sucked his teeth a few times. "Strawberry." He held up his index finger. "I must act!"
A few large drops of strawberry ice cream landed on SpongeBob's head.
SpongeBob looked up in the fence's direction.
Patrick was sitting on the fence, just above SpongeBob. He was licking a cone of strawberry ice cream. When the ice cream's coldness bit his teeth, he took a chocolate bar from a shopping bag right next to him, unwrapped it, tossed the wrapper to the street, and proceeded to lick the chocolate bar.
SpongeBob cupped his hands around his mouth. "Patrick!"
Patrick stopped licking his chocolate bar. He glanced to his left and right.
"Patrick!"
Patrick swallowed the chocolate bar in one gulp while staring at the ice cream cone.
"Patrick!"
Patrick gasped. "My ice cream! It's alive!" He threw the ice cream cone towards the street.
The cone landed on one side of the top of SpongeBob's head, causing half of SpongeBob's face to get covered with ice cream.
SpongeBob shook the ice cream off his head like a pet worm. "Patrick! Down here!"
Patrick looked down. "Oh, SpongeBob, it's you."
"Patrick, come down here." SpongeBob put his hands on his hips.
Patrick heaved himself of the fence.
SPLAT
Patrick landed on the street rear-first. He glanced in all directions.
SpongeBob was nowhere to be seen.
"SpongeBob? SpongeBob?"
A yellow arm emerged from Patrick's butt. Its hand poked Patrick's ribs. "I'm down here" uttered a muffled voice that sounded awfully similar to SpongeBob's.
Patrick stood up and looked down.
SpongeBob wa lying on the street. The shape of Patrick's butt had been imprinted on his face.
Patrick giggled. "You look funny." He waved. "Hi, SpongeBob."
SpongeBob was still frowning. "That's hall monitor to you!" His head returned to its normal shape as he stood up.
Patrick pressed his hands together upon seeing SpongeBob's hat. "Sorry, officer!"
"Sorry's not enough. You've just committed a crime." SpongeBob leaned forward so that his hat's visor casted a shadow over his face.
"Wh-What crime?" Patrick's heartbeat quickened.
SpongeBob pointed at the ice cream puddles on the street and the wrappers in his bag.
Patrick's eyes moistened. "I'm a bad person…" His hands covered his face as he weeped.
A newspaper boy wearing a green beret was jogging down the street. He was holding up a newspaper that had headlines featuring a mugshot of a green male fish with short brown hair. "Extra! Extra! The Tattletale Strangler strikes Bikini Bottom again! City paralyzed with fear!" He halted before SpongeBob and gave a newspaper to him. "Take it, friends. Arm yourselves with knowledge," he said in a gruff voice. He then resumed his jogging and hollering. "Extra! Extra!"
SpongeBob held the newspaper near his face as he scanned its contents. "Death by strangulation… Drug trafficking? With accomplices?!" He lowered the newspaper. "Who's better to bring this Strangler to justice than me, the hall monitor!"
Patrick lowered his hands, saw the mugshot, blanched, and covered his face again with renewed tears. "But he could kill us!"
"Hey, Pat," SpongeBob tapped Patrick's shoulder. "Remember this?" He took out the bag containing the magic paper from his squarepants. "Since what's going on right now is an emergency, I think it's okay to use it. We'll be able to save the lives of countless innocent people." His smirk mellowed to a warm smile. "I can't handle this case alone." He stuffed the bag back into his pants and then clasped both of Patrick's wrists. "Are you ready to give up your life of crime?"
Patrick fell to his knees. He was sniffing back his tears. "I-I wanna b-be good!"
SpongeBob let go of Patrick's wrists. He put a finger on his chin. 'Hmm… now you just need a symbol of authority…"
Patrick fitted his ice cream cone onto his head.
"Perfect!" SpongeBob snapped his fingers. "It is our duty to bring this Strangler and all of the other criminals to justice. But how to proceed?" SpongeBob took hold of Patrick's chin and tilted it until Patrick was looking at him in the eye. "Listen, deputy, you're an ex-criminal. What would you do?"
"Hmm..." Patrick drummed on the fence until he ended up stepping on a puddle of ice cream. "I'd get an ice cream."
S-S-S-S-S
A few minutes later...
S-S-S-S-S
Patrick and SpongeBob were walking in the direction of an ice cream shop. They had now reached a street with sidewalks. However, dilapidated buildings could still be seen. On both sides of the street were convenience stores and liquor shops.
Patrick watched a hooded figure wearing ripped pants and sandals walk past him. "Y'know, Sponge, why do these guys look funny?"
SpongeBob glanced at the alleys they were passing by. People wearing worn and torn clothing had gathered in each one. He folded his hands together near his heart. "I think we're in the slums."
"Oh." Patrick, upon seeing a scowling young boy marching past him, held on to his cone hat. "Didn't Mr. Krabs say Squid used to be here?"
"Yeah..." SpongeBob side-stepped towards Patrick. "Squid didn't stay here for long though. I think this place almost made him crazy."
"Why?" Patrick deeply inhaled the smoky smell coming from an opened trash can that had a fire inside it, which reminded him of the barbeques his family did. "This place probably has some good food."
"He couldn't buy food, Pat." SpongeBob's eyes had gained a faint sheen of moisture. "When you live in a place like this, you struggle getting basic necessities."
"But what about those temples?" said Patrick. "Don't they help out the poor people?"
"Squid's a Mysterian." SpongeBob returned his gaze to the alleyways. He saw, within one of them, two women exchanging a plastic bag containing a powdered substance by shaking hands. "He's not like us Numans. They believe in tough love. If he becomes poor, his temple and all of the other ones affiliated with it will think he did something wrong. If he becomes rich, the temples will think it was a reward for good deeds."
"That's not fair. What if you're born rich or poor?"
SpongeBob shrugged while holding up his hands. "That's what they believe."
A pause.
Patrick stepped out of the way, allowing a group of men wearing shiny black jackets to pass by him. "I think there's a lot more people since the last time I came here." He scratched his forehead until a light bulb lit it up. "Is it 'cause of that 'fall of the stacks' thingy?"
"You mean the stock market crash?" said SpongeBob.
"Yeah."
"I think you're right on the money." SpongeBob put a hand on his chin and looked towards the ground, synthesizing the news reports and thoughts floating around in his head.
"Really?!" Patrick glanced in all directions. "Where?!"
SpongeBob chuckled. "It's just an idiom."
Patrick swallowed his lips.
SpongeBob lowered his hand from his chin. "I heard that crash a few years ago affected all the other parts of the economy, including housing. Alotta people lost their homes and hadda find new jobs, so they probably ended up here." He looked through the window of a convenience store, seeing a moderately-long line of people before an ATM. "It affected me too. There weren't any fry cook jobs available, not even part-time ones, so I had to do alotta internships."
Patrick was gazing at an eight-pedaled flower in the sky. "Mercury's causing all this."
"What do you mean?"
"He's the god of money, right? If he controls money, then that means he can also control how it flows. He can probably take away all the money in the banks with just the snap of a finger."
SpongeBob shrugged again. "Crashes happen all the time. Alotta people in the news say that it's supposed to be 'healthy', kinda like how you get sick to something new but then get immune to it when the fever stops."
"But the same thing's happening again." Patrick pointed at the convenience stores to his side of the street. "If the job-makers can't get enough money to keep things going, then no jobs for anybody else."
SpongeBob put his hands into his pockets. "The people in the news say that there being no jobs is just the 'symptom', not the 'disease'. The 'disease' is actually whatever changes that the economy didn't adapt to yet."
"But isn't change good?"
SpongeBob scratched the side of his head. "I'm not an economist."
After passing through an intersection, SpongeBob and Patrick reached another street of apartments.
S-S-S-S-S
The Stranger and the four other associates from before were hanging around in an alley.
Ricky saw SpongeBob and Patrick walking down the street. He perceived the shininess of SpongeBob's 'HM' belt buckle. "Damn, that's a nice belt," he whispered. "Hey guys!" He turned towards the others.
"Shut up!" said Marcus through grit teeth. "Do you want some snitch to hear us?"
Ricky exhaled through his nose hole. "Aren't they the guys Jack used to live with?"
"Hm?" Jack stepped to the alley's opening. "It's really them," he loudly whispered.
The Strangler raised his brows. He stood behind Jack as he watched SpongeBob and Patrick.
Mike perceived the skinniness of SpongeBob's limbs. He spat his gum to the ground and chuckled. "There's no way in Hades they're gonna be sticking around here for long. If they can't fight, taking their stuff'll be as easy as breathing."
Jack clapped his 'hands' together. "Let's do it now, guys." He took out his brass knuckles and put them on. "We can prolly take out that square guy in one swing." He was imitating the fighting position of a boxer. He repeatedly hopped while punching the air.
Marcus held a 'finger' to his mouth. "Shh!"
"Boys, calm down." The Strangler turned around and pushed everybody else further into the alley. "I've got a better idea."
Jack sucked his teeth and put away his brass knuckles. "What're you gonna do?"
"I'm gonna give the square guy some protection." The Strangler smirked.
S-S-S-S-S
SpongeBob, as he walked further into the street, gradually began to hear a male humming that reminded him of the old songs his parents would play on the radio. "Pat, do you hear that?" He glanced at the apartments. The humming sounded like it was echoing throughout the neighborhood.
"Hear what?"
"Somebody's humming." SpongeBob walked faster.
After a few more minutes, they saw a homeless man with a gray beard sitting on the steps to an apartment. He was humming the tune. He was holding a top hat between his legs, which had a few coins inside it.
"Maybe we should help him out," SpongeBob whispered. He took out several quarters from his pockets. "As hall monitors, it is our duty to help the needy."
Patrick held out a thumbs-up. He took out a dollar coin and tossed it into the homeless man's hat.
The homeless man, upon seeing the dollar coin inside his hat, gasped. He took out the coin and gazed at the sunlight it reflected through its sparkles. He then looked up at SpongeBob and Patrick and grinned. "May Neptune bless you."
SpongeBob took a wide tip-toe to the man and dropped his quarters into the hat.
A police boatmobile, with its siren blaring, parked before the apartment.
The window next to the driver's seat slid down, revealing a green policeman. He pointed at the homeless man. "The landlady has just told me that you can't be around her property anymore." When he perceived that the homeless man would not move, he stepped out of the vehicle along with an orange policeman. "Sorry, Joe."
Joe saw that the police officers were taking out their batons. He then put on his top hat and hopped to the sidewalk. "Neptune bless you all." He tipped his hat towards SpongeBob and Patrick. He then dashed down the street, with the coins in his hat jiggling.
The green policeman turned towards SpongeBob and Patrick. "Morning, boys."
"Hello, brothers." Patrick tipped his cone and then bowed slightly. He then repeatedly raised his brows towards the cone while pointing at it, emphasizing its apparent similarity to the policeman's hats.
SpongeBob tipped his hat. However, he was frowning. He pointed in Joe's direction. "Does that guy hava home?"
The green policeman shook his head. "He's homeless."
SpongeBob, without paying attention, folded his arms. "Then…" He moved his gaze away from the officers' eyes. "Why did the landlady want him to leave?" He wore a smile. "I don't think singing's a crime, right?"
The policemen put away their batons.
The orange policeman's eyes were half-closed. "At the end of the day, this apartment is her property. She's allowed to bring in whoever desires to rent her place." He pointed at the steps. "Since that hobo does not pay rent, what he did would be considered an illegal occupation."
SpongeBob was circling his foot against the sidewalk. "Isn't hobo kinda… too harsh a term to call him?"
The orange policeman chuckled. "What you gotta realize is that alotta them don't bother looking for jobs. They expect to live a life of comfort without working for it."
SpongeBob glanced at the policemen's badges. He lowered his arms and clasped his hands together. "But I heard there's still a shortage of jobs. If nobody'll bring food to their table, who will?"
The orange policeman shrugged. "You're just gonna have to pray for the gods to show 'em some mercy."
The green policeman took out a folded poster from his pocket. "By the way, boys," He unfolded the poster. "Have you seen…" He shoved the poster towards SpongeBob and Patrick. "This man?"
The poster had the same mugshot of the Strangler from the newspaper.
"AH~!" Patrick hopped. "Takehimaway! Takehimaway!"
The policemen looked at each other with slightly narrowed eyes. They then smirked.
The green policeman opened the poster.
"AH~!" said Patrick
The green policeman closed the poster.
The policemen laughed.
The poster opened.
"AH~!"
The poster closed.
The poster opened.
"AH~!"
The poster closed.
SpongeBob swallowed his lips. He was blushing faintly.
The poster opened.
"AH~!"
The poster closed.
The poster opened.
"AH~!"
The poster closed.
The poster opened.
"AHHH!"
The poster closed.
The green policeman put away the poster. He stepped into his vehicle's driver' seat. "Stay indoors." He winked.
The orange policeman pointed at Patrick as he returned to the vehicle. "And, uh, take that cone off your head."
The policemen laughed again as the police car drove, without the siren, down the road.
S-S-S-S-S
Fourteen minutes later…
S-S-S-S-S
SpongeBob and Patrick were inside an ice cream diner. Above the diner's glass double door entrance was a plastic sign depicting an anthropomorphic peanut wearing a top hat and holding a walking stick. Just below the sign were the words 'GOOFY GOOBER's ICE CREAM PARTY BOAT' in neon lights. The building itself was shaped like a boat, with a faux ice cream sundae on its ceiling.
S-S-S-S-S
SpongeBob and Patrick were sitting on turnable stools before the counter, which stretched to nearly the entire width of the dining room. Behind the counter, employees wearing peanut-shaped headwear with top hats on top were serving ice cream to children.
SpongeBob gulped down the last of the ice cream in his cup. When his brain-freeze thawed, he said: "I didn't know police officers could be mean."
Patrick burped. "They're just doing their job. If that singer's doing a crime they have to stop him."
"But that guy wasn't hurting anybody." Spongebob stepped to the floor.
Patrick rubbed his eyes. "If some stranger was hanging around your home, wouldn't that be a little weird?"
"I'd let him stay, if he had no home to go back to." SpongeBob marched towards the double door with a downward gaze and his hands behind his back. "Most landlords don't even live in the places they own anyway."
"But it's the law." Patrick followed him. "Aren't we supposed to defend the law?"
SpongeBob's hands closed into fists. He swiveled around. "Which laws do you wanna follow, Pat? The law of Elysium or the laws of this world?"
Patrick halted. "What?"
SpongeBob adjusted his hat, forgetting for a second that he was not wearing the 'good neighbor' cap. He put his fists on his hips. "We are Numans of the Olympian faith. We must encourage hospitality among others 'cause that's a law Jupiter gave to us." He pulled Patrick and wiped ice cream drops form his belly. "If we see anymore homeless people hanging around, let's make sure to bring 'em some food."
Patrick thumped his chest. "Roger!"
SpongeBob and Patrick exited the diner.
S-S-S-S-S
As SpongeBob approached the street before the diner, he halted.
"What's wrong now?" said Patrick.
SpongeBob glanced at the street signs. "What're we supposed to do now? I don't see any criminals to catch."
"Hmm…" Patrick scratched his chin.
S-S-S-S-S
Several minutes later…
S-S-S-S-S
SpongeBob and Patrick exited Goofy Goober's again. Brain-freeze was lingering in both of their heads.
SpongeBob glanced at a nearby utility pole. It was covered in multiple copies of the poster the policemen had shown him. "Hey, Pat, look." He pointed at the pole.
Patrick, upon seeing all of the scowls of that mugshot on the pole, lost his breath. His vision became distorted to the point where all of the faces were seemingly looking at him. He clung to SpongeBob from behind and sunk his face into the top of SpongeBob's head. "M-Make him go away," he whispered.
A light bulb lit up in SpongeBob's head. He pulled Patrick off of his head. "If the crime rate's high, like you said, then there's gonna be a good chance we might get mugged around these parts. Maybe having a bodyguard will keep us safe."
Patrick held up a thumbs-up. "Good idea!"
"But the problem with that, though, is that I don't think we're gonna find one unless we go back home and search through the internet. Since we're hall monitors, we gotta remain on the streets 'til our shifts are over."
The Strangler was sitting at a nearby bus stop. He was reading a newspaper while leaning towards it, covering his face. He was wearing a faux mustache, a differently-colored jacket, and jeans. On the arm facing SpongeBob and Patrick was a sticky note with the word 'BODYGUARD' scribbled on it.
SpongeBob glanced at the bus stop and saw the sticky note. "On second thought..." He skipped to the Strangler and poked his shoulder.
The Strangler put down his newspaper. Seeing SpongeBob's face, he sat up and wore a smile. "Yes?"
"You're a bodyguard, right?" said SpongeBob.
The Strangler nodded. "You need one?"
"Absolutely." SpongeBob clasped his hands together. "I'm a hall monitor, but my self-defense skills aren't up to par, so I'm gonna need protection from the scarier guys in town." He took a poster from the utility pole and held it up. "Like this guy."
The Strangler glanced at the poster and smirked. "Heh heh, he doesn't look so tough." While leaning his face towards the newspaper, he glanced at the alleys. 'I gotta make sure there aren't any witnessed around. If even one guy catches me in action, it'll give away my disguise.' He closed the newspaper and stood up. "Listen, kid. I could be your bodyguard." He took out a card that was wrapped in lined paper taped together. He placed the card in SpongeBob's hand. "Here's my card."
SpongeBob gazed at the card. "Hmm..." The handwriting on the paper was so neat that it looked like it had been typed. Next to the writing was a small copy of a recent photo. "Looks good to me." He gave back the card and shook the Strangler's hand. "You're hired."
The Strangler adjusted his faux mustache. He cracked his neck and shoulders.
The Strangler's small pupils and short brown hair caused Patrick's heartbeat to quicken. He walked up to the Strangler with trembling steps. He detected a faint stench.
SpongeBob chuckled. "He's not gonna bite you. He's our bodyguard." He patted the Strangler on the back. "As a matter of fact, I feel safer already."
The Strangler, upon brushing a bit of sweat from his face, felt a price tag sticking out of the fake mustache. He turned around and ripped the price tag off. "Well, the Strangler could be anywhere, wearing a disguise. He could be that old man." He pointed at an elderly man walking across the street with a cane. "Or that baby." He pointed at a baby sleeping inside a moving stroller.
"Or that pebble." SpongeBob pointed at a pebble right next to his feet. "Or that stick." He pointed at the cane of the same elderly man. "Or that receipt for the Phoney Baloney Mustache Emporium." He pointed at a receipt sticking out of the Strangler's butt pocket.
"Huh?" The Strangler turned around. He stuffed the receipt deeper into the pocket. "That's mine."
Patrick scratched his chin while staring at the Strangler's arm muscles. Upon seeing the Strangler flex his hands, a light bulb lit up in his head. He pointed at the Strangler. "Maybe he's the Strangler."
SpongeBob and the Strangler guffawed. They put an arm around each other's shoulder.
SpongeBob flicked a tear from his eye. "Oh, Pat, you should've become a comedian."
Patrick bit his tongue and shoved his hands into his pockets.
SpongeBob patted the Strangler's bicep. "Bodyguard, our bodies are in your guarding hands. Since me and Pat are both hall monitors still on-duty, where do you think we should go now?" He slipped his shoulder out of the Strangler's grasp. "We've already explored some of the meaner streets."
The Strangler put a fist on his chin. He glanced at SpongeBob and Patrick's pockets. "Well, I suggest we go to a nice, quiet, secluded location, uh, like behind an old dumpster or a dark alley. I bet there's alotta people who'll do crimes there."
The faint image of the people huddling around the burning can returned to SpongeBob's mind. His mouth moved towards one side. "I'm not sure about that. We're probably only going to find the makeshift shelters of homeless people."
The Strangler exhaled through his nose-holes. He folded his arms.
SpongeBob pointed in the direction opposite of the slums. "Let's go that way and see what happens."
S-S-S-S-S
A few minutes later...
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SpongeBob, Patrick, and the Strangler were walking through a less densely populated area of the city. The honking of boatmobiles could no longer be heard.
There was a small house with an opened lower window.
"Uh-oh, an open window." SpongeBob marched to the window and looked through it.
The window was connected to a kitchen. Inside the kitchen, a male fish was sitting at a table while eating several dishes at the same time.
His wife brought a bowl of salad to the table.
"The fools. They've left themselves susceptible to danger," SpongeBob whispered. Several ideas, none looking better than the other, then sprouted forth. He looked at the Strangler form the corner of his eye. "You got any ideas?"
The Strangler shrugged. With half-closed eyes, he was leaning against the wall of the building. "Just scare 'em."
SpongeBob winked. "I must show them the error of their ways through example." He gripped the windowsill and crouched but widened his eyes as he saw his hat fall to the ground. "I'm gonna need a disguise." He glanced at the Strangler again.
The Strangler took out a ski mask from his jacket and covered SpongeBob's head with it.
SpongeBob's nose was sticking out of the mask's mouth slit. "Thanks." He held up a thumbs-up before diving through the window and landing on the floor. He then jumped to his feet and held out his hands towards the couple. "I'm the open window mania~c!"
The couple screamed as they pushed the front door open and dashed down the street.
SpongeBob hopped out of the window. He cupped his hands around his mouth. "I hope you learned a valuable lesson!" He then took off the ski mask and tossed it to the Strangler's hand. He put his hands on his hips and took a deep breath. "Wow, that actually felt pretty good."
The Strangler put his hands into his jacket's pockets. 'I'll just wait this out a bit longer. Once he brings me to his home and that starfish guy goes away, the coast'll be clear.'
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Ten minutes later…
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SpongeBob, Patrick, and the Strangler reached another intersection. No boatmobiles passed through the streets.
A teenage female fish walked from one curb of sidewalk to one on the opposite side of the intersection, not heeding the traffic lights.
SpongeBob gasped. He pointed at the female fish. "That's jaywalking!"
"That's jaywalking?" said Patrick. "I thought it was when you walk across the street in a 'j' path."
"No, Pat, that was jaywalking. She passed a green light."
"Then what do we do?" Patrick shrugged. "She's sidewalking now. That's not against the rules."
SpongeBob was looking at the Strangler. He folded his hands together.
"Just yell at her from behind." The Strangler was spinning a closed pocketknife with one 'finger'. He did not bother to even glance at SpongeBob. "She'll get the memo."
SpongeBob nodded. He tucked up his squarepants until it covered his face, put the belt on his forehead with the buckle not facing forward, and ran towards the female fish with his tongue sticking out. When he was just behind her, he yelled "ILLEGAL!" into her ear.
The female fish screamed and ran down the streets with her arms upraised.
SpongeBob suppressed a chuckle.
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Sixteen minutes later…
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A male gar wearing a trench coat was walking down Conch Street.
A male shark and his son were walking towards the gar. The father gestured towards the gar.
The gar ran up to the two. He opened his coat and held one flap to the side, revealing an array of toy guns.
The father nudged the son forward. He then took out his wallet.
The son touched each gun, testing their triggers.
SpongeBob, Patrick, and the Strangler were behind the two sharks.
"They're selling guns to a minor," SpongeBob whispered.
The Strangler, before SpongeBob could glance at him, took out a whistle from his jacket. He tossed it to SpongeBob's hand. "Maybe this'll help."
"Good thinking, bodyguard." SpongeBob took off his belt and held it like a whip. He ran towards the gar while blowing the whistle and whipping the belt towards him.
"AH~!" The gar and the two sharks ran away in a huddle.
SpongeBob glanced at his watch. He put his hat and belt into his squarepants. "Wel, bodyguard, my shift's over."
"Huh?! Where's your house?" said the Strangler.
SpongeBob pointed in the direction of the gar and the sharks. "Down this road. It's a pineapple." He put on his employee hat. "I gotta go to work."
"When can I mug- I mean protect you again?" said the Strangler.
"At six o'clock." SpongeBob was running in the Krusty Krab's direction. He military-saluted. "See ya later, bodyguard!"
The Strangler exhaled. His hands closed into fists. From the corner of his eye, he saw Patrick glaring at him. "Something wrong?"
Patrick saw the veins on the Strangler's hands. "N-No." He swallowed his lips and looked away.
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Nine hours later…
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6:00 PM.
SpongeBob was walking up the path to the pineapple's front door. He took off his employee hat.
The Strangler had been sitting on a rock. He jumped to SpongeBob. "We're all alone now?"
"Yep, just you and me." SpongeBob put on his kepi and 'HM' belt. He tapped the front door with the back of his hand. "This is SquarePants manor." He grinned upon seeing that the Strangler's shadow was covering his body. "Bodyguard, let me just take this opportunity to say that you're the best bodyguard a fella could hope to have."
The Strangler cracked his knuckles. "Alright, enough of the sappy talk! Are you gonna resume that 'hall monitor' thing or not?"
"I gotta feed Gary first." Spongebob was digging into his butt pockets. When he felt nothing but lint, he sucked his teeth. "Now, where'd I put my key?"
The Strangler tightened his fists. He betrayed a frown.
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Twenty minutes later..
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SpongeBob lifted one of the flowers surrounding the pineapple. The key was not below it. He sighed. "Well, I can't find it." He stood up. "You wanna take a look somewhere else?"
The Strangler's fists were closed so tightly that they had lost a shade of color. A vein in his face was visible. He was gritting his teeth. "Forget the key! Let's climb through the window." He held his hands towards the bedroom's window and commenced to repeatedly jump up and down, attempting to get a grip on the exterior wall. After a few more attempts, he looked at SpongeBob from the corner of his eye. "Do you think you could hop up on my shoulders, kid?"
"Sure!" SpongeBob ran to one of the surrounding flowers, unearthed a pair of cleats, and put them on. "With these spiky cleats, anything is possible."
"Cleats?!"
SpongeBob jumped and landed on the Strangler's face.
The cleats' needles pricked the Strangler's cheeks and lower eyelids.
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" The Strangler ran in circles while attempting to grab SpongeBob's head. "GET YOUR FEET OFF MY FACE!"
SpongeBob sucked air through his teeth. He was trying to pull one of his legs off the Strangler's face. "I'm trying, but the cleats are stuck in your cheeks!"
After a minute of more running around, the Strangler managed to yank SpongeBob's feet off his face.
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Several minutes later…
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Several bandages were on the Strangler's face. So much anger had been stored into his body that his limbs were trembling. His brown hair was moving up and down slightly.
A few sweat drops were running down SpongeBob's brow. "Don't be mad, bodyguard." He stuffed his roll of bandages back into his pocket and steeped to the front door. "Let me just grab the key I keep under the mat and we can get inside."
The Strangler's jaw dropped.
SpongeBob lifted the mat and picked up a key. "There you are, you little rascal. Now, I gotta put the key in the lock," He inserted the key into the keyhole. "Which should activate the tumblers, thus opening the door." He attempted to twist the key but the keyhole would not move. "Tartar sauce!" He threw the key to the ground. Upon seeing the Strangler's scowl, he swallowed his lips.
The Strangler turned his head towards the sky and unleashed a scream so primal that it echoed like a wolf's howl.
The scallops scattered from the neighborhood.
"I can't take this crap!" The Strangler ran towards a taxi he saw in the distance.
SpongeBob followed him. "Wait, bodyguard, I need protection!"
When the Strangler was close enough to the taxi, he waved his arm, causing it to stop. He then opened a door. "Step on it!" He slapped the exact fare needed to the taxi driver's hand. "I'm being chased by a maniac!" He pointed at SpongeBob before closing the door.
VVROOOOOOMMM
The taxi sped down the road. It disappeared from the other side of the horizon in several seconds.
SpongeBob slowed to a stop. His gaze fell to the ground as his eyes began to moisten. "I-I'm… a maniac?"
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Twenty minutes later…
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The Strangler's associates were still at the alley. With their backs against the walls, they were napping.
The Strangler stepped into the alley. He had taken off the fake mustache. He snapped his fingers until all of his associates opened their eyes.
"Where you been?" Marcus stood up and wiped his eyes. "If you didn't come back after tonight, we would've thought the cops caught ya."
"Boys, huddle together. I've got a change of plan," said the Strangler.