Chapter 2 - Carson's Theory

Agony was the first thing he knew, the thumping pain in his head informing him that he was still alive. Dancing lights invaded his mind, making him squint even though his eyes were already closed. His hand reached blindly for his forehead, brushing the throbbing surface, he could feel a sticky substance starting to dry and knew that as bad as the wound felt, it had apparently stopped bleeding. Sheppard groaned and his hand found the ground.

'Easy lad, you've taken a nasty blow to the head. I wouldn't go aggravating it, not here.' The darkness said, the familiar Scottish lilt making John look up far too quickly. His head objected strongly to the movement and he felt a wave of nausea. Two hands steadied his shoulders. He had been lying on his front on the sandy ground; he could feel the dirt on his face. Clearly he was not back in Atlantis with clean white sheets and attractive female nurses.

'Carson.' He rasped, sitting with his back against something wooden.

'Aye, Rodney's here too. They took Ronan a while ago.' He informed.

John peeled the one eye open and found very little pain. The room they had been put in was dark, so there was no bright light to kill the precious brain cells he was barely functioning on.

'Who's they?' He paused. 'And where's here?'

His eyes adjusted to the dark and he saw the form of Carson kneeling in front of him. The room was made with long wooden planks with small cracks of light filtering through, allowing enough light to see, but not enough to cause him to cringe in discomfort – much like the first and only time he had watched 'Cats.'

'We're still on the planet, I'm afraid, and it appears that these…people, aren't looking to let us go any time soon.' Carson spoke softly, for which John was thankful, but the information he gave meant little.

'These people being?' He prodded, feeling for his MP5 and P90, which were both gone, naturally. His vest had been taken as well as the knife he kept strapped to his ankle. Carson didn't answer. 'Carson?'

'Well, they're all-'

'-Barbara Streisand.' A voice moaned.

John opened both eyes and craned his head down to the source of the voice. The crumpled form of Rodney began to stir on the floor. John looked at Carson.

'I take it he got a nasty bang on the head too?'

'Not really, one of them gave him a quick punch and he's been in and out of consciousness. He'll have a nasty bruise, but no stitches, unlike you.' Carson touched the cut on John's head. He winced.

'That bad?' He asked.

'You look terrible.' Rodney stated, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. 'And this floor is not only dirty, it is uncomfortable.'

'Gee, thanks Rodney.' John tried to stand, but with little effect.

'No! Don't even think about it! Not with your injury, Colonel.' Carson's hands were set firmly on his shoulders.

John had to silently agree. He felt crappy and apparently looked it.

'Will someone please tell me why we were attacked by a bunch of…Barbara's?' John said grumpily, looking expectantly at his two team mates.

'The woman I saw, I think I saw, I'm not sure – she looked a hell of a lot like Barbara Streisand.' Rodney said, looking at the Colonel with a serious expression, as though this description would actually help.

'As in 'Hello, Dolly?' John queried.

'More like 'Meet the Fockers.' Rodney corrected.

'Rough.' John commented, and then caught the exasperated look on Carson's face. 'Not the point, Rodney. Who's keeping us in here?'

'Well, these people are, they are a formidable race of…' Rodney trailed off, the last word more of a mumble.

John frowned. 'Mckay.'

'Women, Colonel, we're being held in a large village full of Warrior Women.' Carson sighed.

John's eyes rose to the top of his head, he almost couldn't feel the pain through the surprise.

'As in…' He began.

'Village full of Xena's.' Rodney grinned. 'Leather, long hair, muscles – only these ladies don't want to talk all that much, death and chaos seem to be their thing, so you all should have something to talk about.' He narrowed his eyes at the Colonel who gave him an eyebrow before moving on.

'Where's Ronan?' Sheppard asked quickly, just realising that he had missed the tall Satedan.

'They took him about, what, three hours ago?' Rodney looked to Carson.

'Aye, seems about right. We made it to the Gate and started dialling, but they caught up with us and knocked Rodney out. Ronan did the best he could, but he was overpowered quite easily, what with his leg being a complete and utter shambles.' Carson paused. 'I would have helped but, well…'

'What?' John asked, surprised that the Doc hadn't been slightly more aggressive toward the people that had given him a migraine and Ronan a hole in his leg.

Rodney rolled his eyes. 'He didn't help because he was playing the gentlemen; apparently he felt bad trying to hurt the women who were viciously attacking us.' Rodney glared at Carson.

'Well, they're ladies! My mother always taught me never to take a hand to a lady.' He faced the Colonel with a look of utter sincerity in his eyes.

'These "Ladies" are savages, Carson, and they weren't exactly hesitating when they shot Ronan, hit Sheppard or practically beat me to death.' Rodney complained, finding the man to be beyond unbelievable.

'You got a slap, Rodney; you weren't in any bloody bar fight!' Carson argued, staring the scientist down with his blue eyes.

'No, I had to face an entire regiment of armed and angry females on my own while you tried to offer them flowers and compliments.' Rodney snapped.

'Alright! Not helping!' Sheppard half yelled, knowing that his head could only take so much of their constant bickering. 'Did they say anything when they took Ronan? Or did they do anything unusual?'

'Unusual? Like what?' Rodney asked.

'I don't know Rodney, anything that didn't seem like the usual.' John sat up a little further with the intent of forming a plan.

'And being captured and held hostage by a bunch of Amazons is the usual?' Rodney griped.

'Mckay.' John warned. 'Just answer the damn question.'

'No, nothing unusual. They dropped us off, picked him up, and we haven't heard anything since.' Rodney folded his arms.

'Thank you.' John fake smiled at him, shaking his head slightly.

'Although…' Carson began.

'Although what? You can't just start a sentence and not finish it, not when my stress levels are this close to boiling point.' Mckay prodded.

'Well, I was conscious on the way here – they put a mask over my head all the way to the village but took it off when we arrived.' He started. 'Their society is quite advanced in agriculture and weaponry, but the one thing that seemed to be missing…' He rose his eyebrows.

'Okay - with the not finishing of sentences?' Rodney slapped his head into his hand.

'-Men.' Carson snapped. 'The village is completely devoid of all men.'

John rose his eyebrows and Rodney spluttered.

'That's impossible. How would they reproduce?' He challenged.

Carson shrugged, but he had an odd expression on his face that made Sheppard wonder.

'You don't think that they took Ronan to…' He made a gesture with his hands.

'He was injured, so he wouldn't put up much of a fight.' Carson reasoned.

'Both Sheppard and I are injured.' Rodney pointed out.

'But Ronan was the only injured person conscious.' Carson insisted. 'It's entirely possible that they pick up male travellers purely for the purpose of copulation.'

'How so?' Rodney said incredulously.

'There are cultures on Earth which do the same thing, there need be absolutely no emotional connection, they just need the male to breed.' Carson informed, John's eyebrows inching higher.

'In some animal cultures, I'm sure. They did not take Ronan to…that wasn't why he was taken.' Rodney paused. 'Although, I do think it's best if you and I pretend to be unconscious when they come back.' He suggested to Sheppard.

Sheppard nodded slightly, his mind thinking over the possibilities – some were pleasant, some were not.

'Besides, it's not like you were gonna put up much of a fight with your gentleman mentality, you would have been their first choice. Unless they were basing that choice on looks.' Rodney folded his arms and received a nasty glare from Carson.

'And just what is that supposed to mean?' He seethed.

Rodney rolled his eyes. 'I'm not saying that you're not a fine example of the male sex, Carson, I'm just saying that Ronan is…taller.'

'I'm tall.' John snapped.

'And I'm not exactly short, Rodney, unlike some scientists.' Carson ground his teeth and folded his arms, leaning away from John. Rodney did a double take.

'I am not short – look, that is not the point – and even if it were, we're all midgets compared to Ronan.' He snarled. Carson and John nodded reluctantly. 'I only meant that they might prefer Ronan because of his unkempt appearance.'

'Unkempt appearance?' John echoed incredulously.

'He's not exactly winning clean man award of the year is he?' Rodney growled.

'Ronan has character, Rodney.' Carson narrowed his eyes at the scientist. The man was insufferable at times.

'You mean the odour gives him character.' Rodney mumbled, then seeing the looks on his comrade's faces he rose his hands defensively. 'Fine. Ronan smells like a bed of roses and they chose him for his wonderfully prim appearance.'

Carson and John glanced at each other with weary eyes and started to look elsewhere. Rodney, however, was not finished.

'So, you really don't think he was chosen because he looks like these people?' Rodney rushed. Carson and John turned their heads quickly giving him the evils.

'What? Savages?' Carson asked angrily, Rodney's earlier description of the women still fresh in his mind.

'Let's all remember that I wasn't the one to say it.' He smiled tightly. Carson was about to fly into a rage when Rodney interrupted. 'And why are we fussing over the reasons for being taken? Are you that desperate? I mean, it may have been a while for me and Carson, but for you Colonel, it's not like you've been lonely over the past year…'

Sheppard was momentarily stunned by the remark, Carson blinked and then spoke.

'How in the hell do you know the last time that I – you can't assume things like that Rodney, for one it's none of your business and for two – you're absolutely wrong.' Carson informed him.

'Oh please, you haven't been close to any of the females in Atlantis-' Rodney sighed.

'Just because you've been having a dry spell for the last decade doesn't mean that I have-'

'The last decade?!' Rodney yelled indignantly.

'I may have been somewhat lucky, Mckay, but you make it sound like I'm some sort of…man whore or something!' John snapped.

'Well you don't exactly hold back.' Rodney retorted.

'At least he has the option whether or not to hold back while you're left with nothing but snide remarks.' Carson added.

'You're all impossibly difficult! This isn't helping the situation!' Rodney yelled. 'We can argue over who gets what when we are safely back on Atlantis and actually capable of getting any.'

'From the way Carson makes these people sound, it seems that "getting any" is a real possibility right now.' John said seriously.

'Let's not speculate over it anymore, it is entirely possible that I'm wrong-' Carson began.

'Wrong? You? No! How ever could that be!' Rodney said dramatically, thrusting his hands into the air. 'The world is going to spin off its axis and collide into the sun because Lord Carson has admitted how very wrong he is-!'

'This is wonderful.'

The men turned to the doorway where a curvy silhouette towered over them.

'From the sound of it, you are all very much awake.'

John couldn't see her face, the darkness in contrast with the light only made his head hurt. He could see however, just how womanly she was – and apparently tall. But he was sitting on the ground, so he really had no idea of her height at all, or if he could take her in his current condition. Head injury, Ronan missing and they were in the middle of a village full of these women – probably not the best idea to make a rash escape. Once upon a time this had been something of a dirty dream, right now with blood seeping from his head, his ass going numb on the filthy floor and his concern for Ronan growing, he just wanted to get his team back home safely…and then maybe he would come back to enjoy the lovely sights.

'Where's Ronan?' John growled.

The woman turned to him – at least he thought she did. He was seeing double – the lines were blurring. She had better hurry up and speak her piece before he blacked out, he hated waking up confused. And he certainly didn't want to wake up in the middle of Carson's theory…

'Your male companion is healing, Sheppard. He has been very informative of your operation.' She said lightly.

'I doubt that.' He replied. Okay, so she knew his name, but Ronan wouldn't give away anything of vital importance, no matter what sort of pain he was in.

The woman shifted her weight to fold her arms. 'He is quite the specimen.' She stated. Carson raised his eyebrows at Rodney who squinted at him. 'Dex has been helpful to a point, after that point we could extract nothing further.'

'Dex?' John echoed. 'What is it with the last name's? First name's too personal?'

'Yes.' She answered immediately.

'Oh.' As awkwardness went, this was pretty damn awkward.

'For us to use your first names, we must deem that you are friends, and not those who would cause us harm.' She advanced menacingly into the room. 'Are you here to cause us harm, Sheppard?'

'No, we're here on a peaceful exploration. It's what we do, we travel to other planets to meet new people – this whole thing has been a misunderstanding.' Carson insisted, using his friendly Doctor voice.

'Mh, we're not here to cause harm, unless you count the fish – which I wouldn't, unless you hold them in high regard, that is.' Rodney rushed, smiling weakly.

John narrowed his eyes at Mckay, willing for him to just stay quiet. The woman said nothing, but merely watched them.

'Carson's right, we're explorers. We look for friends in trade and allies against the Wraith.' The woman did not seem phased by the mention of the Wraith. John didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. 'We came here without realising that this planet was inhabited, if that's a big thing for you, then we'll leave.'

'Yes, we'll go – guns, hooks, sun cream and all.' Rodney faked a perky grin, obviously trying to lighten the tension. The woman said nothing for a few moments.

'We too seek allies against our foe, but the Wraith are of no concern to us. I cannot allow you to leave until I am sure that there is nothing truly valuable that you can offer us.' She turned to leave.

'Well, you just heard that we both had enemies. We have fighting experience and good weapons, how is that not valuable?' Mckay half squeaked.

'Mckay.' John warned.

'What?' He snapped.

'Let's not go offering our help in a fight we know squat about.' He whispered.

'It's better than sitting here waiting for god knows what to happen. If they get hungry, we're toast, if they get angry, we're sacrificed, and if they get horny, we're screwed, so how about you come up with a better plan to get us out of here!' Mckay snarled under his breath, his brown eyes wide with anxiety.

'I assure you that if we are hungry, we eat only what the forest provides, and if we are angry, you would simply be killed and not sacrificed. As for the urges that need be contented, I am certain Dex could satisfy the lust of an entire village. Fear not. You will not be touched.' She said firmly.

'Why not?' He snapped. The woman paused.

'You wish to be given to my sisters?' She asked.

'No, it's just the way you said it. I am a fine catch, I'll have you know. I'm smart, funny-'

John snorted and Mckay threw him a death glare.

'-I am lots of great things that Ronan is not. For one, I bathe.' He insisted.

'You're not back to that, are you?' Carson moaned.

'I meant no offence, boy, but if at any time you feel lonely, please call upon the guard and she will arrange a meeting for some of my more deprived sisters.' The woman was about to take her leave before Rodney could complain about being called a 'boy' when Sheppard stood shakily.

'Hold on.' He put a hand on the wall to guide him. 'I want to see Ronan.'

'He is resting. The arrow caused him much pain, but he will heal in due time.' She informed him. Now that he was standing, he could see that she was tall, very tall, maybe creeping up to Ronan's height. His eyes adjusted to the dark and the contours of her face became visible. Her nose seemed normal, so she wasn't the woman Rodney had spoken of.

'Thanks for the welcoming committee by the way, I take it that it's a usual thing to shoot first and ask questions later?' John narrowed his eyes at her, an anger boiling under the surface keeping away the darkness that threatened to make him sleep.

The woman continued walking from the room. 'Your injuries will be seen to presently.' The door slammed shut behind her, casting the group in black.

'Wonderful!' Mckay yelled at the door. 'So very helpful!'

'Calm down, Mckay.' John complained. He was up, he felt ill, but sitting wouldn't get him any closer to a morphine drip.

"Calm down" is not an option, Colonel. This is very bad, and it is obviously going to get worse.' Mckay started to pace. "Your injuries will be seen to presently"? I mean, how ominous does that sound?'

'It sounds like they dealt with the person who had the worst injury first, and now they'll deal with the rest of us.' Carson stayed sitting, positioning his back on the wall as Sheppard had done. Rodney's whining made him feel tired, he swept a hand through his ruffled hair.

'That is the best case scenario, Carson, you and I both know that it is going to get much worse.' Rodney snapped at him.

'How do you know if it's going to get worse?' Carson asked, expecting the answer to be a load of horse manure.

'Because it always gets worse, whatever situation we get into, it always gets worse. There's an evil infiltrator, the Wraith show up, there's a bomb-'

'I know of women in labour who complain less than you, Rodney. We're going to be fine. You're still here aren't you? Sadly.' Carson barked, watching as Sheppard very carefully made his way to the other end of the small room and started peeking through the slits in the planks. It had to be a concussion; he didn't look well at all. What he really wanted to do was get him and Ronan back to Atlantis and make sure that they were alright; there was nothing he could do for them in these conditions. He had a small medical kit with some basic supplies, but that had been taken with the rest of the equipment. Carson turned back to a sour faced Mckay who had started his pacing again. Rodney paused when he saw what Sheppard was doing and rushed over, picking a hole of his own to peek through.

'Anything?' He asked, desperately trying to get his eyeball through the hole as though it were attempting to escape his skull. His eagerness to see what was happening outside resulted in his nose becoming lodged in between two of the planks. 'Ow! Oh, dat is jus nod handy – hey, a liddle help over here, please?' He heard Sheppard sigh and felt two strong hands grab his shoulders and yank him back. Mckay yelped in pain as his nose scraped free of the planks. 'Ow! God…would a gentle touch kill you, I could have splinters in here now.' He touched his nose tenderly.

'Rodney, sit down before you hurt yourself – or someone else.' Carson ordered, giving him an incredulous look. Rodney sat next to him still nursing his nose.

'It's a pretty big place. A lot of weapons – and a lot of women.' Sheppard reported.

'You will be able to restrain yourself, won't you?' Rodney asked cruelly.

Sheppard ignored him. 'These ladies like their spears; it looks like everyone carries them. A few kids – all female. It looks like there's a large house in the centre, like some sort of meeting hall or something.' John paused. 'I think Ronan's being kept in a building across the compound.'

'How do you know that?' Rodney looked up from nursing his nose.

'Because a woman just walked out of it with all of his clothes.' John glanced back.

Carson and Rodney exchanged looks of solemn disbelief before Carson smiled slightly.

'We need to get out of here.' John went to the front of the building and looked through another hole.

'The idea of female companionship frightening you Colonel?' Rodney teased. 'Unusual given your past history.'

John squatted in front of the Doctor, ignoring McKay with an ease given to him by almost two years of practice.

'Carson, how long did it take for us to get here once they brought us past the tree line?' Sheppard asked.

'Decent fifteen minutes, why?' Carson frowned, not liking the sound of this at all.

'And you were walking in a straight line?' The Colonel prodded.

'More or less. It's very confusing when they blind fold you, I could have been going in the opposite direction and I wouldn't have known.' Carson studied the Colonel's troubled face as he listened. 'What exactly are you thinking?'

'I'm thinking of getting out of here.' He rose and crossed over to the back of the room, peering through the planks.

'Is that wise?' Carson stood also, the idea of a plan, however unsettling, did instil a sense of motivation. 'They've treated us very well so far, but if we try to escape I expect that treatment will change somewhat.'

'Treated us well? Carson, they shot Ronan, knocked me and the Colonel unconscious and are now holding us captive in a small dirty room – they haven't even fed us! I'm starving! All I had for Breakfast was a measly little pastry and some coffee, and that was hours ago, this is verging on the point of starvation!' Rodney did not rise from the floor but looked up at the two men with an air of desperation.

'We only left Atlantis five hours ago Rodney; it's not like your wasting away.' Carson informed him, turning back to the Colonel.

'Hey, I'll have you know this is stress-gained weight, it's not like Atlantis is fraught with easy, laid back days.' Rodney squeaked defensively, a hand straying to the small bump on his stomach.

'I think I can break these.' John informed them, trying to snap some of the planks. 'If we can get to Ronan and go from there.' He moaned, trying to pry the plank off of another. It was proving difficult. 'Feel free to help out guys.'

'Colonel-' Carson began.

'Look, we can't stay because we have no idea what is going on, and Elizabeth won't check in with us for another six hours. From what I can see, the village is a big circle, and this room is on the edge of it. There's forest behind here. We can circle around and get to Ronan, sneak him out, and make our way back to the Gate.' John continued to kick at the planks.

'Brilliant plan, except for the fact that they are sending people 'presently' to come and "help" us.' Rodney reminded in his usual flippant tone.

'Which is one of the reasons we should get out of here now, McKay.' Sheppard insisted. 'Who knows what they've got planned.'

'That's just the thing Colonel; we have no clue what they'll do.' Carson glanced at the door. 'They seem like honest people to me, they follow some sort of an honourable code.'

'A code where they shoot people they don't know and then ask them who they are.' Sheppard said firmly. 'I'm not asking you to hit any of them, Doc, just to sneak past them. Which requires actual silence.' He glared at Mckay.

'What?' Rodney frowned, having not been listening.

'And how do we find our way back to the Gate, exactly?' Carson asked, his hand planted on his hips.

'We use deduction, and smarts, of which we have a surplus amount.' John glanced at them and saw that neither of them were convinced. 'You remember where we entered the village, right?'

Carson nodded.

'Okay. We start from there and go in a straight line, that field was pretty damn huge, we should run into it eventually – and if we don't, Elizabeth will send a UAV to locate our position and send a team to bring us home. Any questions?' He asked, the peeved side of his nature setting into his face.

'Yes, how-' Mckay began.

'Good. Now shut up, stay low and follow me.' He turned back to the plank of wood. He noticed that they had been tied at the tops with some sort of rope like a twisted vine. There was no hope of untying it. He reached for his belt and slid it off, adjusting the buckle for him to pry at the fibres of the rope to loosen the board.

'You know, if they come in here and see you beltless, they'll interpret that as a sign-' McKay began, worried that whatever they would do to John would also be done to him.

'No they won't, because-' The board broke lose. '- we'll be gone by the time they get here.' He kicked it through trying to make as little noise as possible. He slipped through the hole and crouched near the corner of the shed they had been kept in.

His eyes hurt with the bright daylight shining down. Those women had taken his sunglasses. The pain in his head worsened from the effort of escape, he wasn't sure if he could be fast enough to lead them all to safety. But he was right, they couldn't stay, not when they knew so little, and also since they had the chance to escape. McKay slid through last, knocking the board slightly. Carson shook his head.

John signalled for them to follow and they took off into the Forest.

Getting around the compound had been fairly easy. Sheppard had kept up the pace and made sure that he had an eye on their prison cell to see if they sent any people to check on them. Nothing so far. McKay's attempts to stay low had resulted in his complaining of back pain and walking normally. They were quite well hidden by the forest, but John didn't know if they had scouts or not.

They reached the back of the building Ronan was being kept in and John forced McKay to kneel.

'Ow? Hello, in pain here – that floor did nothing for my back. I should order a special mattress to be sent to Atlantis, because the ones we have are like rock-' He whispered. Sheppard shoved a hand on his mouth and glared, Rodney nodded and John took his hand away.

'You stay here.' He mouthed to Rodney. 'You watch the cell, and let me know if we have company.' He mouthed to Carson. Carson nodded and moved off slowly.

John crept out from the Forest and approached the back of the building. There was no door, but there was some form of window toward the top. He placed his hands on the rim and hoisted himself up, peering over the edge. The room was full of colourful materials, curtains and a single chair with an unusual leather pillow. No sign of Ronan. No sign of anyone. He lowered himself down and walked back a few steps before jogging up to the wall and launching himself up to the window and perching on the sill. He scanned the room – still nothing. He was about to jump down when he stopped.

Below him, quite happily soaking in a large tub, was Ronan. A fully naked Ronan. John wobbled on the sill and fell forward, managing to land on his feet and hands and avoiding the tub.

'Hey Sheppard.' Ronan greeted, smiling widely.

'Ronan.' He paused. 'What are you doing?' He asked incredulously.

'Having a bath.' He replied simply.

'I can see that. Why?' John averted his eyes. The wooden tub was fairly small, and Ronan's long legs were dangling over the edge with his naked torso leaning back quite comfortably.

'They fixed my leg, and they gave me a bath.' He grinned again. 'Apparently they thought I needed it.'

'McKay will be thrilled.' John said under his breath. 'Look, Carson, Rodney and I broke out of prison to…save you. We're heading back.' John whispered to him.

'No.' He stated.

'No?' John echoed, stepping toward his friend. 'I know these ladies are – well…they gave you a bath, but, we need to get out of here, because I don't think that they're planning to do that for the rest of us.'

'They felt guilty for shooting me.' Ronan informed him.

John looked to the wound and saw a tight leather strap covering his calf. 'And that hasn't got you worried, the fact that they shot you?'

'And then they gave me a bath.' He repeated, spooning the water up his torso.

'Yeah, I can see that - probably too much of that.' John turned around. 'I'll find you some clothes and we'll get out of here.' He walked around the tub and fiddled with a few of the curtains, his hand went for a pale pink curtain and Ronan made a 'not going to happen' noise. 'Like we have time to be picky.' John ripped down a green curtain which revealed a woman with dark hair. She punched him in the chest and sent him flying into the side of the tub. Ronan climbed from the tub as John stood, John glanced at him sideways and seeing that he was still naked thrust the green curtain at him. Ronan smiled, wrapping the curtain around his waist while John tried his best to block the image from his mind.

The woman was pretty but was obviously a warrior from the taught muscles her arms bared. She smiled seductively.

'She was the one giving me a bath.' Ronan informed him.

John rose an eyebrow.