DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN GREY'S ANATOMY, I wish I did.
Meredith couldn't sleep. She had to work tomorrow, and morning was creeping up quickly. She didn't have her car, and she wasn't going to wake John up to take her home. She decided to call a cab, and go straight to the hospital. She would beat everyone there and get ready before anyone noticed she didn't go home. When she arrived at the hospital it was quiet. She was wracked with guilt. She didn't know how she was going to face him. How was she going to tell him that she may still be in love with her husband, or at the very least that she was going to have a hard time getting the divorce. She creeped up the stairs hoping no one would notice her. Just as she was reaching to open the door, it opened.
Mark: You're here early, late night? Or night still going on?
Meredith: You have no idea.
Mark: Well, maybe you could tell me.
Meredith: (She sat in her gown on the stairs.) This is a mess, a huge mess.
Mark: It's never as bad as it seems.
Meredith: This time I think it may be. How long have you known Derek?
Mark: Since we were kids, why?
Meredith: How does he feel about me? (Hoping that maybe he didn't care for her as much as she did him, and it would make her decision easier. She could go on being unhappy, but she couldn't bear making someone else unhappy.)
Mark: I have never seen him like this. He is head over heels. I have NEVER seen him this happy. (She drops her head.) What's wrong?
Meredith: (Her eyes well up.) I have to go.
Mark: Meredith, Meredith! Wait, are you OK? (She briskly walked away to cry once again.)
No one was in the locker room when she got in there. She took her gown off and laid it on the bench and ran off to the shower. For some reason she always felt like she could just let it go in the shower. She could cry, hide her tears in the droplets of water and let them wash down the drain. Why did she have to fall in love? She was so stuck, so sad. She sat down on the floor of the shower. She knew it wasn't clean, not like at home. She didn't care, she felt dirty, like that is where she belonged, at the bottom of a public shower, with everyone else's dirt. She was mentally exhausted. She closed her eyes to think, she must not have realized how tired she was.
Izzie: Is that Meredith's dress?
Cristina: Yeah, so.
Izzie: He locker is cracked open. She must be here. I wonder where she's at?
Cristina: Like I know. I am her person, not her keeper.
Alex: Damn-it. The hot water was out in my apartment. I was going to take a shower here, and someone's in there. Bailey in going to be here in a few minutes.
Cristina: Maybe you should have thought about that before showing up 20 minutes before rounds.
George: Go to another shower, it's no big deal.
Alex: This is our shower, I should be able to use our shower.
Izzie: Quit whining and go find another shower.
Alex: Whatever, but whoever is in there, is going to hear it.
Cristina: Ooh, I bet they're scared.
Alex: Do you here me in there? (He bangs on the door.) Hey! (No answer. They hear water running.)
Izzie: I hope everything is OK in there.
George: Yell, and ask them. It is probably an intern. (George wiggles the lock.)
Bailey: What the hell is going on in here?
Izzie: Someone is in the shower.
Bailey: And what does that have to do with anything. (Izzie of course explains it all.) Karev, go take a shower up stairs. I don't need patients gagging because you stank. I will call maitinence, probably some damn childish intern left the water running and locked the door as a prank. You fools get to work, and where the hell is Thompson?
Izzie: Her dress is here, she must be a round somewhere.
Bailey: If you see her, you tell her to find me. I am going to kick her ass for being late. (Maitinenece showed up and unlocked the door.) I'll trun the water off. Hello? Is any damn fool in here? (She pulled back the curtain. Meredith was sound asleep in the shower.) HEY! Get your ass up! (Meredith opened her eyes.)
Meredith: Oh my God. (She jumped up, and covered herself with a towel.) Dr. Bailey, sorry. I must have fallen asleep.
Bailey: Ya think? Are you OK? (She could tell Meredith was tired and a lot has been going on in her life.)
Meredith: I'm fine, ready to work!
Bailey: You need to go home!
Meredith: I'm OK now.
Bailey: Fine, but if I see one wrong move, you are going home!
Meredith got dressed in her scrubs, and headed down to the pit. Bailey said at least there she couldn't screw up too badly.
Cristina: Where they hell have you been?
Meredith: I fell asleep. In the shower.
Cristina: That was you? We were all wondering.
Meredith: What? Everyone knows?
Cristina: They knew someone was in there.
Meredith: Oh God.
Cristina: So how was the party or whatever?
Meredith: Please do not remind me. I kissed my husband.
Cristina: Ooooh, you bad, sinful girl!
Meredith: Seriously! This is bad. I felt something. I don't know what to do. It was so embarressing. I just left him there. I watched then left.
Cristina: What? (Shakes her head.)
Meredith: OK here it is: John's intern felt me up and said our marriage is shit. I got mad, dance with my husband and kissed him to prove the intern wrong. We kissed all the way to the hotel room where we stripped, and almost had sex. I told him I couldn't. He cried, I cried. I took a shower, watched him sleep and then came here.
Cristina: OK...What's so bad about that?
Meredith: I think I love him.
Cristina: I knew it! So what are you going to do about McDreamy?
Meredith: I don't know...
Cristina: Youv'e got a mess.
Meredith: Yeah...
Meredith goes down to the pit. She is very distracted, but is doing her job. She noticed that Derek doesn't have any surgeries scheduled and he is off today. She is glad that he is. She just can't face him right now. Meanwhile, Mark is in his office when Addison walks in.
Addison: Hello, my darling husband.
Mark: Hello, my beautiful wife!
Addison: What's going on?
Mark: I have a facelift in an hour, what about you.
Addison: Just waiting for babies, they come when they want to.
Mark: Ain't that the truth. Have you seen Thompson?
Addison: No, why?
Mark: She was here early. I think it was 3:30am. I talked to her. She is troubled about Derek. She was on the verge of tears.
Addison: Should I talk to her?
Mark: Maybe it would help, she didn't open up to me.
Addison: I'll see what I can do...
Meredith headed down to the cafeteria. Usually she would find her friends, but today she just didn't want to talk to them. She grabbed a sandwich and a water. She grabbed a table in the corner. It was nice out today, that's why she stayed in, she knew everyone would be out. She was so lost in thought, she didn't notice Addison walk up.
Addison: Hey there.
Meredith: Oh, hey.
Addison: All alone?
Meredith: Yeah.
Addison: So do you want to talk about it?
Meredith: Talk about what.
Addison: What's on your mind.
Meredith: (She looked at Addison. Addison had always been nice to her. She liked her in an older sister kind of way. She felt that she could trust her.) Things have just been rough.
Addison: I've been there. Marrisge isn't always a pleasure cruise.
Meredith: How long have you and Mark been married?
Addison: 12 years. Seems like such a long time, yet not long enough. What about you?
Meredith: Almost 7 years.
Addison: That's quite a while.
Meredith: A lot of memories, some good, some bad. He's my family, my friend, my everything. (She drifts off.)
Addison: Not something you can just walk away from, and not think about it.
Meredith: Yes. Exactly! No one else gets that!
Addison: You are thinking about not getting the divorce arne't you? (Meredith just dropped her head.) Derek loves you. I have never seen him so happy. He is like a different person, bright and shiny. He used to be so dull, now he is talking about the future. But, he will be OK, if you don't choose him. He will be heartbroken, but he will survive. Mark and I will be there for him.
Meredith: I love him so much.
Addison: I know you do. I have to go check on a patient.
Meredith: Thank you, Addison. (Addison smiles, and walks away.)
The rest of the day went quickly. She was so glad when the day was over. So much had happened. She needed to get home to Lois. She was only here for awhile longer, and she needed to visit her. The other interns weren't in the locker room when she got ready to leave. She snuck downstairs as sliently as she had come this morning. When she got to the car she noticed something on the seat. It was a C.D. and a note:
Meredith-
I am so sorry for all of the pain that
I have caused you. I did the worst thing
that and man could have done.
I regret it everyday. I just want to move
forward, with you, my one true love.
Love-John
Meredith put the C.D. in her player on the drive home. She was feeling like she was being pulled in every direction, and soon enough, she was going to be torn to pieces. She listened intently to the song John needed her to hear.
All this feels strange and untrue
And I won't waste a minute without you
My bones ache, my skin feels cold
and I'm getting so tired and so old
The anger swells in my guts
And I won't feel these slices and cuts
I want so much to open your eyes
'cause I need you to look into mine
Tell me that you'll open your eyes.
Tell me that you'll open your eyes.
Tell me that you'll open your eyes.
Tell me that you'll open your eyes.
Get up get out get away from these liars
'cause they don't get your soul or your fire.
Take my hand knot your fingers through mine
And we'll walk through this dark room for the last time.
Every minute from this minute now
We can do what we like anywhere.
I want so much to open your eyes
'cause I need you to look into mine.
Tell me that you'll open your eyes.
Tell me that you'll open your eyes.
Tell me that you'll open your eyes.
Tell me that you'll open your eyes.
Tell me that you'll open your eyes.
Tell me that you'll open your eyes.
Tell me that you'll open your eyes.
Tell me that you'll open your eyes.
All this feels strange and untrue
And I won't waste a minute without you.
Meredith was in tears by the end of the song. She knew she had to make a decision soon. It was hurting her so badly. It wasn't fair to Derek or to John. She should have never let it come to this. It was a monumental decision, a life altering one. All of the choices she made would affect them both. She didn't like having this control. It wasn't fair. Lois was sitting on the sofa in the family room reading a book when she got home. She looked to sick, so pale.
Lois: So did you have good time last night?
Meredith: It was good. We had a good time. (She didn't want to go into it.) I hope you didn't go crazy while we were gone. It gets lonely in this big house.
Lois: It was fine, I caught up on my reading.
Meredith: So, the other night, I was honest with you, right? (She was dreading this conversation.)
Lois: Yes, dear, you were.
Meredith: So now it's time for you to be honest with me. I know this wasn't just the flu. I am a doctor, I see sickness all day. What is really wrong with you?
Lois: (Lois' eyes welled up, she couldn't keep it to herself anymore.) I have cancer. Liver cancer. (Meredith lost it. She couldn't take this right now. It was too much. She could not control her crying.)
Meredith: How bad is it?
Lois: They have given me 6 months. (Meredith was having a hard time breathing. Her mom was dying.)
Meredith: What have they done?
Lois: They have done a partial hepatectomy, twice.
Meredith: Are you on the transplant list?
Lois: No, Meredith. I'm an old lady. That liver could go to someone who is just starting their live. It wouldn't be right for me to take it.
Meredith: But we need you, I need you. You can't give up. I love you, I can't lose you.
Lois: You will be fine.
Meredith: No! I won't, I won't be fine. Who will I call in the middle of the night when I can't handle life. Who will I tell my secrets to? Who will help me when I burn dinner? What about John? He lost his dad, he can't lose you. You have to fight! You have to win! (Meredith laid her head on Lois' lap and cried.) You have to fight...