DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN GREY'S ANATOMY, I wish I did.

Meredith walked into the kitchen and threw her keys down on the counter. She was angry. She wanted to punch the wall. She wanted to rip the house apart. She wanted to run Alex Karev over with her car. But it wasn't Alex's fault, she knew that. He just exposed the truth. He, and his arrogant ass purposely started trouble because he was angry at Derek. She just stood there in her own angry little world.

John: Everything OK?

Meredith: No, no it's not.

John: Can I do anything to help?

Meredith: Not really. You could cook us dinner tonight. You know I can't cook.

John: That was random. Are you sure you are OK?

Meredith: My friends are asses. That's all. Lying asses. Rotten people.

John: What did they do?

Meredith: I want lasagna. That sounds good.

John: OK. (He draws it out slowly.)

Meredith: I am going to clean.

Meredith walks away. She has to do something constructive. She goes up to her room and walks into her large closet. She starts sorting out clothes. She is so angry, she hates everything, and everyone. She starts throwing clothes into a garbage bag. She doesn't want anything. Next she moves to the bathroom. She looks at the shower. All she sees is Derek. That was the last time they were together. God, why did I have to fall in love with him? She starts scrubbing. Scrubbing away the filth that she feels. She wants to wash Derek Shepherd right out of her life. She was spraying down the shower when she heard the phone ring. She wasn't going to answer it. She didn't want to talk to anyone. She vacuums all of the rooms in the house. Then she starts a fire.

John: A little warm for a fire, don't you think?

Meredith: It's a great day for a fire.

Meredith runs back upstairs with a laundry basket. She comes back down with the basket. She sits down in front of the fire. She looks down at the note. The one Derek wrote her when she came into her room. The one that comforted her at one time. She reads it one last time before casting it into the flames.

Meredith-

You will never know how sorry I am

that you have had to feel all of this pain.

You are too special to for me to watch you suffer.

You need to fight, you need to get through this.

I am here for you, always.

Love,

Derek

Meredith: Here for me? Yeah right! I will be lucky if I can pick up the pieces now, Derek.

Next she threw in her bed sheets. The ones that were on her bed when she made love to Derek. She had to get rid of everything that reminded her of Derek. She didn't want to feel the pain anymore. The pain that was Derek Shepherd. She wasn't even sure why she was so mad at him. Maybe it was because he made her love him so deeply. She almost gave her life to him. She didn't want to poison him. She didn't want to ruin his life like she did John's. She felt like she was a poisoned well, asking anyone to take a sip. It was easier to hate him than herself. She was drawn to him like a magnet. Once she got near him, he pulled her in. She had to make sure he never pulled her in again. He deserves better. She looks down at the ring. The promise ring that Derek had given her. She couldn't take it off. She tried. She couldn't, not yet.

John: Oh, so instead of washing sheets, we burn them now?

Meredith: Yes, we do.

John: (Shakes his head.) Ready to talk about it?

Meredith: No.

John: Oh Derek called.

Meredith: Oh.

John: He will be over later to get his car towed.

Meredith: Oh. I'm surprised he didn't just drive it away. He could, he could really hurt me. Why doesn't he just walk in here and tell John everything?

Meredith continued to clean. She walked pass John with the various bags of clothing and loaded her Jeep. She drove to women's shelter and donated her clothes. There were thousands of dollars worth of clothes there. Maybe that would free her, make her feel less guilty. She stopped and got a coffee. She needed something to take the edge off. The caffeine would help. She wanted to go to Joe's. She could drown her sorrows so easily. She could stop at the liquor store, buy some tequila, get plowed. What has that ever done? All it does is cause for problems. Last time, Derek saved her from herself. Who would now? What did she tell him in the car that night? Did she pour her soul out to him? She wondered. Now he probably knows all her secrets. She felt her phone vibrate, more messages. She deleted them all. She wanted to break the phone. Then she would just have to get a new one, and the messages would still be there, tormenting her. When she went back home, John had the table set. He had cooked a huge meal. It was delicious. As she ate, she though about the meals Derek had cooked. She lost her appetite. She began picking at her food. All she could think was that she was bad, really bad. How could she cheat on her husband?

John: How is it?

Meredith: Good.

John: Are you sure?

Meredith: It's great. I'm just not feeling too great. I need to go take a shower.

Meredith climbed into her fresh clean shower. She needed to feel the hot water run over her. She needed to wash herself clean. Let everything go down the drain. Derek kept running through her mind. The way she felt when he touched her. She had never felt like that. She wanted to gouge her eyes out. What would that do? The images, the feelings were imprinted in her brain. She changed into her flannel pajamas and sat in her bed. She was going to read. Maybe that would help her get her mind off of Derek. She flipped the bedside light on. John walked in her room. He had also showered and was in his pajama pants and a tee shirt. She looked at his body through his shirt. He was perfect, perfectly chiseled. He was everything anyone could want.

John: You ready to talk about it?

Meredith: No.

John: Do you want company?

Meredith: Yes.

John came in the room. He laid on the bed and placed his head on her stomach. He did that when she was pregnant with Bella. The feeling of the child they made swimming around inside the woman he loved comforted him. Now she was gone. Why couldn't he get over it?

Meredith: I'm sorry.

John: For what?

Meredith: I shouldn't have dragged you to Seattle. We should have stayed in Boston. You were doing so great there.

John: But you weren't. Their internship wasn't great. The hospital wasn't top notch.

Meredith: It was selfish of me. I wish we never came here. All it has caused is pain.

John: I love Seattle. We are doing great here.

Meredith: Boston was our home, it's were it all began. Maybe if we went back, we could start over.

John: No, you aren't running away from you problems, Meredith. You have done that enough in your lifetime. If you have a problem, you have to face it head on this time.

Meredith grumbled at his comment. He was right. What was she thinking, that she was going to just walk away from Seattle, Derek and the hospital? That's what she had hoped she could do. Just then the doorbell rang. Meredith forgot that Derek was coming. She climbed out of her warm bed and headed downstairs with John following her. When she got near the door she could tell who the figure was, and she wasn't ready to see him. Meredith hesitantly opens the door.

Meredith: Oh, hi.

Derek: Hello. (He looks concerned. He is hoping she hasn't jumped off the deep end again.) Hello, John. I'm just letting you know that I'm taking my car. I'm sorry it's so late. (He was upset. It made him sick to see Meredith with John, in their pajamas. What were they having a freaking slumber party?)

Meredith: Oh, thanks. I'm sure we would have figured it out. See you later. (She couldn't look into his eyes. She didn't want to.)

Derek: Can I talk to you for a minute?

Meredith: (With attitude.) Sure. (She steps outside. John acts like he is going upstairs, but he places himself by the window so her can see what's going on.) What do you want, Derek? No, you know what? I just want to know how you could do it.

Derek: I didn't do anything. I'm pissed, Meredith. You didn't even ask me what happened. You just assumed the worst. That's what you always do. You assume the worst. You didn't trust me. That hurts. One little thing and it's over. Everything we had. Boom. Over. Just because you thought something happened. I didn't look in the damn box! I made them put it away. I came in and they had it open and everything was out. I told them to put it away. You told me about her. The baby, Bella. You told me the night I brought you home. You told me a lot of things that night. The night you drank yourself into a fog. When you tried to drown out your miserable life. You don't share your secrets Meredith, and you don't trust anyone. It's pathetic. How can I be in a relationship with someone who can turn on me so quickly?

Meredith: Oh so that's how it goes, huh? You think I'm pathetic and miserable? Maybe I am. I cheat on my husband with you. I commit adultery for you, and for what? I wish I never met you Derek Shepherd! (She immediately wished she didn't say it. It was too late to take it back.)

Derek: Well, the feeling is mutual. (He turns to walk to the tow truck.)

Meredith: Derek, wait. (She is chasing him and crying. She grabs his shoulder. John goes up to his room, he's seen enough.) I'm sorry. (He turns around, his eyes are cold.) I'm sorry. I love you. I didn't mean it. I didn't know.

Derek: Go back to your husband, Mrs. Thompson. (It stung. Not Meredith, not Dr. Thompson, Mrs. Thompson. It was a cheap shot. She grabs him and starts beating his chest with her fists.)

Meredith: Damn you, Derek, Damn you! (She is crying. Derek shoves her hands off of him and walks away, getting into the tow truck.)

Driver: Problems?

Derek: (Shakes his head.) Just drop the car off at the nearest parking lot.

Driver: Doesn't it need to be repaired?

Derek: No, there's nothing wrong with this car. It just ended up in the wrong driveway.

Meredith was angry. She wanted to get in her car and run him over along with Alex Karev, and the rest of her friends. She slammed the front door. She wanted to hurt Derek badly. He left her. He denied her. He dumped her off like she didn't mean a thing. She walked past John's room. He was in there reading paperwork. She walked in. She was going to drown Derek out, one was or another. She jumped on him and started kissing him. He was in shock. Neither of them said a word. She pulled his shirt off over his head. She was kissing him intensely, her tongue searching his mouth. He unbuttoned her shirt, and began kissing her chest, her bra came off next. They both began shedding off their remaining clothing. He was kissing her body. He couldn't believe how it felt. He had missed her so much. Finally. It had been so long. He needed her. She straddled him and placed him inside of her. She began rocking. Not slowly or softly, it was violent, it was angry. How do you like that, Derek? How does it feel. She wished he knew, then she could really shove it in his face. John looked into her eyes. It wasn't love, it was pure anger. They weren't making love, it was sex. The roughest kind. He knew it had to do with Derek. He rolled her over, placing his body on hers. Hoping that he could calm her. It didn't, she got more intense. She clawed her fingers into his back. Damn you, Derek. I can't even fuck my husband without thinking of you. She started kissing his neck. She bit him. She couldn't help it. They climaxed, neither of them spoke. Neither of them mad a sound. Meredith rolled over and looked at the wall. She couldn't look at John.

John: So, Derek?

Meredith: It's over. It's done.

John laid there trying to make sense of what happened. He knew. He knew that they got in a fight. He knew she loved him. She would have never acted that way if he didn't hurt her. Was it really worth it, he thought. She finally let him touch her after all these years, but it was Derek, not him that turned her on. He was just the tool she used to release her anger. He had one. Sure she loved Derek, but he won. He laid there next to her, and soon began to feel her body shake. She was sobbing.

Meredith laid there next to john for a long time. He had his arm over her. What had she done? Why? She used John. She teased him. She gave him a taste of what her wanted, but she didn't give him the whole treat. Her heart wasn't in it. All she could think about was Derek. She listened to John. She was sure he was asleep. She could let it go now. She cried. She loved Derek. What was she going to do without him? She sabotaged herself, once again.

Derek tried to fall asleep, but he couldn't. Why the hell did he have to say that to her? Mrs. Thompson. He knew it hurt her. He made her suffer. He watched her fall apart in front of him. He watched her crumble. All he did was turn the fan on. He blew her away, out of his life. Now what was he going to do. He couldn't live without her. He had to make it right, but how?