DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN GREY'S ANATOMY, I wish I did.
Meredith just stood there in shock. Everyone rushed to John's side, trying everything and anything to bring him back. He was connected to one of their own. They always did what they could, but this time, they felt like he was family. There was nothing to be done. He had far too much damage, they knew that from the minute the test results came back. Meredith felt like she was suspended in time. Everything stopped. She thought back to the very first time she met John in fifth grade:
Meredith: What are you looking at? (John is staring at her.)
John: You.
Meredith: Stop.
John: I can't.
Meredith: Why? Do you have something wrong with you?
John: No. I think I love you.
Meredith snapped back to reality. Everyone is barking orders, rushing around. She falls back. She can't do anything but stare into space and think back.
John: Can I kiss you?
Meredith: I guess. (John kisses Meredith sweetly. It was her first kiss.)
She was comfortable where she was. Memories, good memories, were comforting. They were like going home when you haven't been in a long time. She had forgotten how sweet and simple life used to be. Even without her mother around, she had John and Lois. They made her life halfway normal. They made it able for her to love and feel loved. They were responsible for the memories, the good ones atleast.
Dr. Webber: Call it.
Dr. Bailey: Time of death 15:27.
Meredith: What? No! NO! He's not dead. He's not. What are you doing? You can't just quit! He's going to be OK! (Meredith runs to his side. and tries to resuscitate him. Everyone one just watches her for a few minutes. They didn't know what to do. Finally Dr. Bailey walks up.)
Bailey: Meredith, honey. He's gone. I'm so sorry.
Meredith looks at him. She finally realizes that there is nothing she could do. This chapter had ended. The curtains have closed. She runs her fingers through his hair and looks at him one last time. She couldn't be here. She didn't know what to do. She felt lost, she felt like she was alone, alone even in the crowd of people. She turned around and walked out, staring ahead. She heard people talking, but she didn't understand them, it was just background noise. She began walking more briskly. She had to go, she had to get out. She broke into a run. She didn't know where she was going. She was on auto pilot. She ran down the stairs, and out the entrance. She was running fast, she was running as if her life depended on it.
Everyone is in shock. He was gone. The pit started to get busy, and Bailey was paged.
Derek: Oh my God. I can't believe he's gone. I wanted Meredith, but not this way. Oh, God, Meredith. Where is she going? I have to go with her. (Derek goes to scrub out.)
Bailey: Poor girl. She's so young, and her life has been ripped apart. She is going to be a mess. How the hell do these things happen? What do we have here?
Nurse: We had a two car accident. One looks neuro. Looks like we have a broken leg, and possibly some abdominal injury. What happened with the fence guy?
Bailey: That "Fence Guy" is an intern's husband. We lost him.
Nurse: Oh, sorry.
Bailey: Page Shepherd, for the head injury. (Derek gets the page.)
Derek: (To the Chief.) I have to go. I can't do this. (Referring to the page.)
Dr. Webber: You have to do this. I don't have anyone else here.
Derek: You need to page someone. I have to go. I have to be with Meredith!
Dr. Webber: I will page Dr. Samson. But you have to check this patient out. You can't just leave.
Derek: Fine. (He was antsy. He promised John he would be with her. He needed to be with her.)
Derek decided that the patient was not surgical. He hurried through the tests, but he was sure. He didn't half ass it like he wanted to. Dr. Samson was brought in and he came to the same conclusion. They decided to keep the patient for observation.
Dr. Webber: Derek-I need you to look at this. Mercy West may need you for a consult. (Derek was walking away.)
Derek: I have to go!
Dr. Webber: This is important, Dr. Shepherd.
Derek: Meredith is more important.
Dr. Webber: Than your job?
Derek: YES!
Dr. Webber: Let me know how she is doing.
He kept walking briskly. He had to make sure he was OK. Dr. Webber pretended he was mad, but he was worried too. Meredith was important to him. He never let anyone know; Ellis was the love of his life, and Meredith felt like his daughter. They were never close, but there was a connection. Derek started running, he couldn't get to her fast enough. When he got to the parking lot, he saw her jeep was still there. Where could she have gone? He jumped into her car and just drove, he knew he could find her.
Meredith ran. Her lungs felt like they were on fire. Her throat felt like she swallowed sand paper. She couldn't feel pain. Not physical pain anyway. She didn't know what to do know. She was going to pick Derek today, and she would have been fine. Now the decision was made for her, and she didn't know what to do. How would so go on without him? She was with him for so long. It was like a vital piece of her was ripped away, and she didn't know what to do without it. She arrived at her home, the last place she and John were together. She had ran far, but it didn't feel like it was far enough. She went to her shower, she needed to cry. The tears always came easier in the shower for her. Her mother hated it when she would cry. She said it made her weak. Meredith would always cry in the shower. No one could hear her sobs and she blamed the water for her red eyes. John always knew better. She turned the water on and stood in the shower in her scrubs, she hadn't even taken her scrub cap off. Her legs felt weak. She couldn't hold herself up she leaned against the wall and slid down, pulling her knees to her chin. The tears didn't come. She just sat there. She was somewhere else, in a new found reality.
Derek drove frantically. He knew she had went home, he could just feel it. The closer her got, the stronger he could feel her. He pulled up the guard's shack.
Derek: Have you seen Meredith, er Dr. Thompson come by here.
Guard: Yeah she ran by here awhile ago. And when I say run, I mean literally. Is she OK.
Derek: There was an accident. Mr. Thompson is dead.
Guard: Oh my gosh. Please, give her my sympathy.
Derek pulled up to the house the front door was wide open. He had barely put the car in park and turned it off before he jumped out. As he ran in, he yelled for her. She didn't respond. He heard running water. He was getting concerned. John's words rang in his head "When she is upset she will act like she needs to be alone, don't let her, you have to hold her until she calms down." Derek ran upstairs to her room. He slowly walked into the bathroom. His heart ached when he saw her. She looked like she wasn't there anymore. She was just a body, a lifeless body. He walked up to her and opened the shower door. The water was freezing. Her lips were purple and she was shivering.
Derek: Oh God, Meredith. You're freezing.
You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side
You know I'll take your hand
Derek turned off the water. He placed his hands on Meredith's cold body, and helped her stand up. He began stripping her sopping wet clothes off piece by piece.
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
no I won't give in
Derek felt so bad. He didn't know what to do. He did, he just didn't know if it was going to help. He loved her so much.
Keep holdin' on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
Just, stay strong
Cause you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you
There's nothing you can say (repeat)
Nothing you can do
And there's no other way when it comes to the truth
So, keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
Derek left her standing in the shower and went to her room and grabbed a blanket off of her blanket stand. He went back to her and wrapped it around her body. She looked so frail, so weak. She was motionless, standing like a mannequin.
So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late
This could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side
I will fight and defend ah ah
I'll fight and defend, yeah, yeah
Derek picked her up and cradled her body next to his. He slowly walked to the large chair looking out the window. It was a rainy day. Like most Seattle days. A day for death. A day when tears could be hidden.
Keep holdin' on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
Just, stay strong
Cause you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Derek sat down in the large, comfortable chair. He laid her on his lap, holding her close, placing her head on his shoulder. Her skin was so cold, he could feel it through the blanket. She felt like a rag doll, she felt like she was giving up.
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So, keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
Derek could feel her shallow breathing. He didn't know what to say. How do you comfort someone who has lost someone so dear. You can say how sorry you are, but those are just words. Words can change what has happened, words can't fix the problem.
Hear me when I say
When I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change
Nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be
Will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...
La da da da, la da da da da
La da da da da da da da da
Derek had no idea what Meredith had lost. He had no idea the guilt she felt. John was not mad at her. He held no grudge. He loved her until his last breath. Till death do we part...
Keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
Just stay strong
Cause you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So, keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
She wanted to cry, but she couldn't. She couldn't do anything but lay in Derek's arms. They were so comforting to her. She felt wrapped in love, just what she needed. How do you move on? How do you wake up tomorrow, and go about your day?
Ahh, ahh
Keep holdin' on
Ahh, ahh
Keep holdin' on
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So, keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
Derek: Meredith-John wouldn't want you to torture yourself. He loved you. I didn't realize until today just how much he did. You will be OK. We are all here for you. You are surrounded by people that love and care for you. You will make it through this. We will make it through this. You can't push me away. I am here and I am never leaving. I love you.
Meredith didn't respond, but she finally let it go. She wept. She wept for John, she wept for Lois, se wept for herself. Derek was always there when she needed him. She hoped he realized how much he meant to her. She couldn't talk, she wanted to, but the words wouldn't come out. She looked up at Derek, and he looked at her. They didn't have to say a word. He was never letting her go, and she didn't want him to. They sat there for hours. Neither of them speaking.
The news of John's death spread around the hospital quickly. Everyone was sad. John had never been rude to any of them. He was the most kind person, and now he was gone. Poor Meredith, they all thought. She has been through so much. The interns wanted to leave so badly. They had to make sure she was OK. They kept calling Derek. All they got was voicemail. He had his phone off. That gave them solace, they were sure he had found her. Izzie, Cristina, and George finally came over. They knocked but there was no answer. They decided to go in the house, and make sure everything was OK. When they got to her room, they all stood there in awe. Meredith was in Derek's arms with her head on his shoulder, he had his head resting on hers. They were asleep. They all stood there with silent tears streaming down their face. She was going to be OK. She had Derek. She was going to be OK.
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John was always supposed to die. Right from the beginning. I never realized how hard it would be to actually write it. It was sad, I really liked him! So Meredith is OK, that is good. This story is nearly over, I just need to tie up some loose ends. Probably 4 or 5 more chapters. For some reason I can't let go!
On a sad note: RIP, Barbaro. I'm relieved that they finally put him down. A horse just can't live on three legs, and he was down to two.