DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN GREY'S ANATOMY, I wish I did.
Meredith: We screwed up? What do you mean we screwed up? How could we- We saw him.
Cristina: Burke was there with him. They were with a colleague, someone Derek went to medical school with. That woman was the guy's wife.
Meredith: But. He was-
Cristina: I guess Derek wanted to go home, and they kept pressuring him to stay.
Meredith: So he bends a girl over the pool table.
Cristina: I guess this doctor kept asking Derek to help her play. He really didn't want to. Besides, if Derek were going to cheat, why would he do it at Joe's? Joe knows you. And half the doctors at Seattle Grace go there every night.
Meredith: Oh my God. (Her face turns white. She turns and looks out the window.) I'm so stupid.
Cristina: No you're not. I would have thought the same thing. I did. I was with you, remember? (Her pager goes off.) I gotta go. It's Bailey.
Meredith: Bye. How could I be so stupid? What is wrong with me? I've lost him forever. There is no way I can ever look at him again. The best thing that has ever happened to me, and I manage to screw it up. God, I screw everything up.
She rolls over and faces the window, tears streaming down her face. She feels like she has nothing left. She feels like she has been dropped off in the middle of nowhere. Left with no map, and no directions. She was going to finally have her happily ever after with Derek. Now she just wanted to go to sleep. At least it was peaceful there. She closed her eyes, praying for sleep. She heard the door open. She didn't care who it was, she didn't want to talk.
Bailey: Meredith. (She pretended she was asleep.) Dr. Thompson, get your ass up.
Meredith: (Rolls over, with tear stained cheeks.) Yeah.
Bailey: How are you feeling?
Meredith: I'm fine.
Bailey: Is that all you know how to say? That's all I ever hear out of you! You are not fine.
Meredith: I feel good. The incision feels good.
Bailey: You are not fine. Meredith your blood alcohol content was way over the legal limit when you came in yesterday. I had to wait to take you into an emergency surgery until you dried up! Yesterday was the second time I have seen you drunk, in the hospital in the last couple of weeks time. I don't know what the hell you think you are doing, but you are killing yourself. You are spinning out of control! You are the most talented intern I have. If you keep going this way, you'll be lucky if you make it through the program! I know you have been through a lot, but you need to get your head out of your ass and start thinking. (Meredith is in shock.) So what do you have to say for yourself?
Meredith: I don't know.
Bailey: What do you mean, you don't know?
Meredith: I don't know anything anymore.
Bailey: Well, you better figure it out. (She walks out. Meredith rolls back over and closes her eyes, falling into a deep sleep.)
Derek: (In the hallway.) How is she?
Bailey: She's not good.
Derek: What's wrong? Is it infection?
Bailey: She has problems Derek. She is not dealing with things. Physically she will be OK, but mentally, I don't know...
Derek: She has been having a hard time but-
Bailey: Derek- her blood alcohol was .12, for a person her size, my God. She has a problem Derek, she has to start dealing with things. She will never make it through her internship the way she is going.
Derek: What do I do?
Bailey: I have no idea. You just need to get through to her.
Derek went into Meredith's room. He sat down in the chair by the window. The talk with Miranda Bailey unsettled him. Was this all his fault. Did she have a problem and he didn't even notice? How was he going to help her now? He picked up the medical journal that was on her table. He wanted to talk to her, but he was nervous. Derek Shepherd wasn't usually nervous. What should he say? He sat there for a few hours, just watching her. Finally she opened her eyes.
Derek: Hey. (She quickly covered her face with a pillow.) Meredith. I'm not going away.
Meredith: (Uncovers her face.) Derek. I'm sorry. I feel so stupid.
Derek: I'm sorry.
Meredith: For what?
Derek: I should have been there. I could have been more supportive.
Meredith: It's not your fault. I push people away. I live my life under a banner of avoidance. I'm an avoider.
Derek: It hurts, Mer. It really hurts. I'm your guy. You should be able to tell me anything. I'm your rock, your supporter. I love you. I don't understand why you won't talk to me.
Meredith: Derek, you should run. I'm giving you an out. You can go. No hard feelings.
Derek: What?
Meredith: You don't want me. I'm damaged. I'm beyond repair. You could be happy. You could find someone who will make you happy. I'm just going to drag you down.
Derek: No! You are that someone! You make me happy. I am not giving up on you. Everyone is flawed, Mer. I'm sticking around, no matter how long it takes.
Meredith: Oh, Derek. Why? I will just hurt you. Why do you have to do this?
Derek: Because I love you. (He leans over and kisses her.)
Meredith: I'm so tired. You should go home.
Derek: Nope, I'm staying right here in this chair!
Meredith: Go home, get some sleep.
Derek: Don't you know I can't sleep without you?
Meredith: We're ruined, aren't we?
Derek: I think we are.
Meredith: Well, goodnight.
Derek: Goodnight. (About 20 minutes go by.)
Meredith: Derek?
Derek: Yeah.
Meredith: Lay with me.
Derek: I thought you'd never ask.
He crawls into bed, and lays next to her. She rests her head against him, falling asleep, he follows suit. Cristina comes in and sees them together. She didn't dislike Derek. She just didn't want her friend to get hurt again. She had been through a lot lately. As much as Cristina hated to admit it, Derek was a good thing for Meredith. She quietly closed the door, meeting George and Izzie in the hallway.
Cristina: She's asleep.
Izzie: Oh, we were going to visit her.
George: How is she?
Cristina: She is OK. She's recovering well.
Izzie: Well, maybe one of us should stay with her.
Cristina: She already has someone.
George: Who?
Izzie: Derek. (She says matter-of-fact.)
George: Oh. But, I thought he was a cheater!
Cristina: Where have you been? He didn't cheat, it was a misunderstanding.
Izzie: It was?
Cristina: Yeah. (she brushed them off.) I gotta go.
George: Bye.
Izzie: I don't know how Mer can be friends with her. Neither of them listen to each other. They are supportive. Whatever. You ready to go home?
George: Yeah.
A few hours went by. Meredith kept having dreams. Dreams about John and Ray. The stress was getting to her. She couldn't bear it anymore. She started crying in her sleep, which woke Derek up. He wanted her to talk to him, but he knew pressuring her was not the way to go. The more he pushed, the more withdrawn she would get. Soon enough she quit crying, and he fell back asleep. After awhile she woke up in a cold sweat. She wanted to talk to him, she wanted to pour her heart out. She was scared, what if he thought she was crazy? She couldn't take it. She was in pain. She felt like she was slowly dying from the inside out. She was disappearing. If she went on the way she was, eventually she would be gone. She quietly begins to weep. She feels like she can't breath, slowly she is fading away.
Derek: Meredith.
Meredith: (Crying.) Yeah?
Derek: Are you crying? What's wrong? Oh my God, you're sweating!
Meredith: I had a bad dream. I can't. I just can't. Not yet, anyway. It hurts Derek. I'm scared. Please, just hold me. (He wraps his arms around her.)
Derek: OK.
Meredith and Derek slept soundly for the rest of the night. With her in his arms, everything was always OK. In the morning Dr. Bailey and the interns came in for rounds. Derek was startled when the light snapped on and everyone walked in.
Bailey: What the hell are you doing here?
Derek: Sleeping. Why'd you have to wake me up?
Bailey: Get up. (He gets up and sits in the chair. All of the interns were looking at him.) Who's presenting?
Alex: Meredith Thompson. Post op from a splenectomy. She got here last dose of Morphine last night.
Bailey: How are you feeling?
Meredith: Tired. (Her eyes droop.)
Bailey: Let me take a look at your incision. (She pulls the gown open.)
Izzie: That's not good.
Bailey: It is getting infected. It's going to need to be cleaned out several times a day, and re-dressed. Are you in pain?
Meredith: A little, not much.
Bailey: We will increase your pain medication.
Meredith: When can I go home?
Izzie: Seriously?
Bailey: You are going to be here at least five more days. You had a lot of internal bleeding. Get used to the stay.
Meredith: Thanks. (She rolls over and closes her eyes.) Please turn the light off when you leave. (They all leave, including Derek. Miranda and Derek stand in front of her room.)
Bailey: Dr. Shepherd?
Derek: Yes.
Bailey: How much did she sleep last night?
Derek: Pretty much the whole night. Actually including the time before I came in, it was a lot.
Bailey: I think it's depression.
Derek: I don't think so.
Bailey: Well, I do. I think we need to put her on an anti-depressant.
Derek: She is sad, and having a hard time letting it out. I really don't think she needs drugs to help her. She just needs to talk.
Bailey: Well then, you better get her talking.
Derek: I've tried.
Bailey: You need to try harder, she is sleeping too much. She did just have surgery, but she should have more energy.
Derek: I will do what I can.
Bailey: She's slipping away, fast.
Meredith spent the whole day sleeping. She was truly tired. Her sleep was interrupted. The dreams were terrible. Every time she fell asleep she saw John. Not the John she remembered. In her dreams, he was angry with her. He was always yelling at her. Sometimes he was violent. All the years she had known him, he had never hit her, and he rarely yelled. Derek came in and sat with her while she ate her lunch. She wasn't hungry. She picked at her food.
Derek: Meredith, you need to eat.
Meredith: I'm not hungry.
Derek: Please, eat. You look weak. The better you eat, the sooner you can leave. Besides, the girl I know can eat like nothing I've ever seen.
Meredith: Have you ever eaten this crap?
Derek: It looks good.
Meredith: Seriously?
Derek: Yeah.
Meredith: You eat it!
Derek: You are the one that needs to eat, not me.
Meredith: Come on... I'll get more. Try it!
Derek: Fine... (He takes a bite of the macaroni and cheese. He quickly spits it out.) Blech, that's horrible.
Meredith: OK, then.
Derek: I'll be back in a few minutes.
Meredith: OK. (He returns after a few minutes with her favorite roast beef sandwich from the deli across the street.)
Derek: Here you go, roast beef.
Meredith: Yum! Thank you. You know, the hospital has a strict diet.
Derek: That will kill you! Eat up. (She starts to eat. He feels a lot better that she is eating. He was worried. She had dropped quite a few pounds, and was looking pretty gaunt.) So how are you?
Meredith: Tired.
Derek: Have you slept?
Meredith: All morning. I just can't get enough sleep.
Derek: Hmm... How are you feeling otherwise?
Meredith: Derek, I'm not ready. I can't.
Derek: You will have to open up to me eventually.
Meredith: Eventually.