DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN GREY'S ANATOMY, I wish I did.

Derek left shortly after lunch, for a consult. He was reluctant to leave, but Meredith assured him that she would be fine. Meredith spent most of the day sleeping and watching t.v. She had never realized how much she didn't like t.v. until it was the only thing to do. After a while she heard a knock on the door. The other interns came in with their lunches.

Izzie: How are you feeling?

Meredith: Like I want to get the hell out of here.

Cristina: Get over it! You've been here for one day.

George: You aren't strong enough to leave.

Alex: I saw your surgery. You were in bad shape. Another hour and you would've been dead. Hell, we had to wait for you to sober up. You were damn lucky. How much did you drink, anyway?

Meredith: I don't remember. I just remember telling the bartender that I didn't want to have an empty glass in front of me.

Alex: You were trashed.

Izzie: Do you know how it happened?

Meredith: What?

George: Spleens don't usually rupture spontaneously. Do remember how it happened?

Meredith: Umm... I'm not sure. I remember walking to the elevator. I was almost to my room. Oh my God! (Her face is clearly troubled.)

Cristina: What? Did you fall over something in your drunken stupor?

Meredith: I think I was mugged.

Izzie: Oh my God, Mer!

Meredith: Someone came up and helped me. The guy he punched me, in the stomach. (Her eyes well up.)

George: Are you OK, Mer?

Meredith: No.

Izzie: Mer...

Meredith: I'm so stupid. Anything could have happened to me.

Alex: But it didn't.

Izzie: Thank God.

George: Meredith you need to slow down. Something bad is going to happen if you aren't careful.

Meredith: Don't you think I know that! (She was getting angry.) Things are... I'm just so. Never mind!

Izzie: Sorry Mer. We're just worried about you.

Cristina: Leave her alone. (Meredith is looking pale.) Mer, are you OK?

Meredith: I just have a headache.

George: We should leave. We'll leave now. (He gives the other interns a look.)

Izzie: Yep, see you later.

Alex: Bye.

Izzie: Cristina, aren't you coming?

Cristina: First of all, she's my person. And Secondly, I'm not the one bothering her.

George: Come on, Iz. (They leave.)

Meredith: Do you think I have a problem? A drinking problem.

Cristina: Well, yeah.

Meredith: Seriously?

Cristina: Well, sometimes. Only when you can't deal with things. You don't have a drinking problem, you have a dealing problem.

Meredith: Thanks! I feel better. And you don't?

Cristina: I may not talk about my problems, but I don't really have any. You are a mess. I have never seen so many issues in my life. Dad issues, Mom issues, husband issues-

Meredith: I think I get the freaking point! God. (She grumbles.)

Cristina: OK, then. I think I have to go.

Meredith: I think you do. (She gets up.) You know you are an overbearing pain in the ass, right?

Cristina: Yes, I do.

Meredith turns her head and closes her eyes. Her headache is lingering. She just wants some peace and quiet. She knows her friends mean well, but she didn't want to hear it. She knows her problems, after all she owns them. She doesn't need to be reminded of them. She decides to page the nurse, she needed another blanket.

Nurse: Yes, Dr. Thompson?

Meredith: Can I get another blanket, I'm cold.

Nurse: Sure, I'll be right back.

Meredith snuggled into her wonderful hospital bed. Pretty soon they were going to have to put a cage around it, because she had thoughts of escape. She turned the t.v. back on. She flipped through the channels, nothing interested her. Too bad they didn't have a channel that showed surgeries all day long. That would make her stay a little better. Later that evening Derek came back.

Derek: Hey. (He kisses her on the head.) You're warm.

Meredith: No, actually I'm cold.

Derek: How are you feeling?

Meredith: I have a headache.

Derek: I think you're running a fever. (He pages the nurse. She checks her temperature and she is barely higher normal.)

Meredith: I'm OK. You look tired.

Derek: I am.

Meredith: Climb up here with me. I need you to keep me warm.

Derek: I can do that. (He gets in the bed and lays next to her.)

Meredith: How was your day?

Derek: Good. I missed you.

Meredith: I missed you too.

Derek: How was your day?

Meredith: Seriously?

Derek: Yeah.

Meredith: Well, I watched t.v, then slept, then watched t.v., then my friends came in and harassed me, then I watched more freaking t.v.

Derek: Sounds like fun. (He smirks.)

Meredith: I would've much rather been scrubbed in on any surgery.

Derek: I bet you would.

Meredith: Close your eyes.

Derek: Why?

Meredith: You're tired, and you need to sleep.

Derek: I think you are right.

Meredith: I always am.

Meredith fell sound asleep shortly after Derek. The nurses didn't come in much when Derek was in the room. She slept soundly for several hours. It was quiet and peaceful. She could sleep anywhere as long as Derek was there with her. All she needed was him. After a while she started dreaming again. She was in a room full of liquor bottles. She looked around, all four walls were covered floor to ceiling. She just stood there, looking around. She couldn't figure out why she was there. She felt someone breathing on her neck. She quickly spun around only to be face to face with John. His face was like stone. She tried to talk, but nothing came out. He stood there in her face, his eyes cold and dark. He started to talk, raising his voice, almost screaming. "What the hell are you doing Meredith! What is wrong with you?" He yelled so loudly that all of the bottles started to shatter. Glass flew at her, striking her body. She was sliced up and bleeding. The liquor began to fill up the room quickly. "You promised me! How could you do it?" She started to cry. How did he know? Did he find out about her and Derek sleeping together? She started to panic. The liquor filled the room, soon it was over her head. She was drowning, she flailed her arms, trying to keep her head up. "You said you would be happy. You promised you would be happy. You are killing yourself, Mer. Damn-it, Meredith, you aren't even trying." She tried to speak, finally something came out. "I'm sorry...I'm sorry" she said. "You have to save yourself." John yelled, leaving her drowning.

Derek: Meredith, Mer?

Meredith: Yeah.

Derek: Why are you sorry?

Meredith: Um, nothing. It was a dream. I'm fine. Go back to sleep.

Derek: Are you sure you're OK?

Meredith: Yes.

Meredith laid there for a while. She didn't want to sleep. She was unnerved. What did it mean? What was she supposed to do? She was trying, why can't anyone see that? She was scared. She was really scared. Her life wasn't supposed to be this way, this complicated. She just wanted it to end. She wanted it all to end. She couldn't bear it. She was drowning, drowning in her own pain. She needed to talk about it. She didn't want to, but it felt like she was going to implode.

Meredith: Derek? (She whispered. If he didn't answer, she wasn't going to talk. She was hoping he didn't.)

Derek: Hmm, yes?

Meredith: I'm ready. Ready to talk, or whatever.

Derek: You are? I mean, good. I'm ready to listen.

Meredith: I feel like I'm drowning. I'm drowning, Derek. I can't breath. (She starts to cry.) It hurts so bad. I've screwed up my whole life. I have changed for everyone. I don't even know who I am anymore. Do you know what I realized the other day? I never loved John. Not the way I was supposed to. He was like a brother, a friend. I settled for him. He was what I knew, what I was comfortable with. He could have been happy. He could have married someone who loved him, had kids. I wasted him. I ruined his life, and now he's dead. If I had pushed him away, or at the very least, let him go. He would have been happy. He's dead because of me! (She begins to weep. Her body shakes.)

Derek: No Meredith. This is not your fault.

Meredith: Not my fault? Do you know why he is dead? Because of Ray. And Ray, my God. You know all my life I tried so hard. When my mom and I came to Boston I tried to make her happy. I tired so hard. She was sad, she missed Richard. She pushed me away. All I ever wanted was attention. I dyed my hair pink, do you think she noticed? No. I had huge parties in her house. I got drunk all of the time, she didn't care. John and I had sex in the house, she caught us in the act. Do you know what she said? I need to talk to you when you're done. I was a kid. She should have killed me. She didn't even care. Ray. I hated Ray. But Ray made her jealous. That was the only time she cared or noticed me. When Ray looked at me, she seethed. He made me sick, but the fact that it made her notice, made it slightly bearable. I probably could have done more to stop him. I did, but- Oh God Derek. Can't you see? It all comes down to me. Ray killed John. I killed John. (She is curled up in a ball, holding her stomach, crying heavily.)

Derek: You didn't kill John. This is not your fault Meredith. You were a kid. You were a kid with a horrible mother. She screwed up. How were you supposed to know better? You have to be taught. You raised yourself. You did good. You did the best you could. It's not your fault. You didn't tell Ray to kill John. You didn't force him. It happened. John loved you. That's all that mattered. He was happy with things the way they were. You made him happy. He was happy with what you gave him, even if it wasn't your all. He didn't regret one moment of it. Meredith, you are surrounded by people that love you. You have friends who care more about you than anything. Your mom wants to make things work. Richard is like your father. Mark and Addison consider you a good friend. I love you. We are your family, we are all you need. You're OK.

Meredith: I'm OK.

Derek: You are OK. (Kisses her.) Oh my God, you're burning up.

Meredith: I- (She vomits all over everything.)

Derek: You're not OK. (He pages the nurse.)

Meredith: My stomach. Oh my God Derek, my stomach. It hurts so bad. Derek, what's wrong with me? (She passes out.)

Derek: Meredith, Mer?