Chapter 3

Friday

October 14th, 2005

2130 local

Harm and Mac's house

San Diego, CA

It had been an hour since Mac got home from the diner. Her mind was still reeling from what had happened. A part of her felt bad about hitting Jamie. She realized she had done it because what he had said had hit a little too close to home. But she still felt awful. In all the years that she had known Jamie, she would never have guessed that he felt that way about her.

In a way, her heart reached out to him. She knew what it was like to love someone so much and not have that person return that love. It was how she felt with Harm for so many years; Just a friend, but never anything more than that. She remembered the heavy ache in her heart each time Harm loved another woman. Was that how Jamie was feeling at the moment? She wouldn't even wish that feeling on her worst enemy. Mac was so deep in thought that she hadn't noticed that Harm was trying to get her attention.

"Mac, earth to Mac? Where were you just now?" Harm asked coming out of the bathroom in his boxers, ready to get into bed.

"Oh, nowhere… sorry, I just had a long day today," Mac said as she put on her nightgown.

"I called you at work today and Jen told me you left a little early. I was actually a little worried. You forgot your cell phone and I couldn't get a hold of you."

"I'm sorry, I forgot to call you and let you know that I was meeting Jamie after work. He asked me to look at one of the cases he's working on."

"Jamie, huh?" Mac wasn't quite sure what to make of Harm's tone of voice.

"Yeah, his client's an insurance company that's being sued for fraud. It was actually an interesting case…" Mac trailed off.

"That was it, huh?"

"More or less," Mac knew that Harm didn't believe her. He knew her too well.

"Oh yeah? Then why so pensive?"

"I'm not being pensive."

"So you just didn't hear me call you four times because… what… you're losing your hearing?" Harm said, half jokingly.

"Look, Harm, it's getting late, I just want to go to bed," Mac said sounding defeated.

"Mac, look I know something's bothering you, please talk to me. Remember, we promised not to keep anything from each other anymore?" Harm said, taking her hand in his.

Mac didn't want to get into a long discussion with Harm at the moment. And she knew that it would indeed turn into a long discussion if Harm found out what Jamie had said to her that night. "I'm really tired, Harm. I don't want to get into anything now."

"Mac, please don't push me away," Harm pleaded. Mac could see the hurt in his eyes. She couldn't hurt two men in the same night could she?

"Harm, really, it was nothing. Jamie told me something today…" Mac wasn't quite sure how to say it, but continued anyway, unsure of how Harm would react. "Jamie told me that… well… that he loves me."

"He told you that he loves you," Harm said, not sounding at all surprised. Mac thought that maybe he misunderstood her.

"That he's in love with me."

"I see…" Harm said. He had a faraway look in his eyes that Mac wasn't quite sure how to interpret.

"Say something, Harm."

"What did you say to him?"

"I told him that he doesn't really feel that way and that he's just mistaken."

"That's it?" Harm asked, incredulously.

"I also told him that I was engaged and that I didn't want to lose him as a friend so I told him to drop the subject," Mac said, defensively.

"And that's all you said to him?"

"What else was I supposed to say?"

"How about that you love me and not him!"

"I did say that… sort of…" Mac answered. Mac paused for a moment thinking back. "But I did tell him that I loved you!"

"Why didn't you tell him that you didn't love him?"

Mac thought for a moment before answering. "I didn't tell him because I didn't have the heart to tell him."

"Why, because you have feelings for him?!" Harm asked, sounding so insecure.

"No, because he knows that I don't love him… deep down, he should know," Mac paused. "Harm… to hear the person you love say the words 'I don't love you' is one of the most painful things a person could go through. It's even worse than being betrayed, because at least then you'd have hate and anger to mask your pain. I couldn't do that to him."

After a moment, Harm said softly, "You sound like you're speaking from experience."

"All those years when you couldn't tell me that you loved me felt like you were telling me "I don't love you." I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone, Harm," Mac said, unable to hold back her tears.

Her words broke Harm's heart, and for a moment, he hated himself for all the pain he's ever caused her, especially when all she ever wanted was to love him and be loved in return.

"Mac, honey, come here," Harm said gathering her in his arms. "I'm so sorry that's how I made you feel. You have to believe me that it wasn't my intention. Mac, I really don't remember a time when I didn't love you."

"I know, Harm, and I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty. I'm just saying that's why I didn't tell Jamie out right that I didn't love him. There's a difference between knowing something deep down and actually hearing the words. I probably should have told him… but I really didn't have the heart."

"Mac, you're giving this guy way too much credit…"

"No, Harm, you don't understand. Jamie's been a really good friend to me, especially back in high school. When my other friends turned away from me because of my alcoholism, he was the only one who stood by me. He really was the only friend I had that wasn't a drunk like me… And he always looked out for me, especially when Chris came along. He warned me about him, but I didn't listen… I wish I had. I only found out today it was because he loved me. And that's why I can't hold this against Jamie because people do things they normally wouldn't do when they're in love."

"No, this guy is trying to manipulate you, Mac. And it seems to be working too because you seem to believe all the crap he's been telling you!"

"How is it manipulative when someone tells you they're in love with you?" Mac asked, genuinely confused. "And what "crap" are you talking about? That he loves me?"

Harm all of a sudden had a panicked look on his face. He realized that he had said too much and had to come clean with Mac.

"Look, Mac… last night when Jamie had dinner here, I heard your conversation with him out on the porch."

"You what?"

"I didn't mean to, I was in the den trying to fix the intercom and I just overheard everything."

"So you accidentally overheard a twenty minute conversation, Harm?" Mac said sarcastically.

"I just…" Harm didn't know what to say.

"I can't believe you eavesdropped, Harm!" Mac said, furious.

"I'm sorry, but I… I'm sorry, but I'm glad I did."

"What?!"

"I heard things from you last night that I couldn't believe!"

"Me?! What did I say? Jamie did most of the talking."

"You actually believed the garbage he was spewing!" Mac just looked at Harm blankly. "Oh, come on, Mac, you believed almost everything he said about you being second best in my life. You all but told him that Mic loved you more than I ever could! You told him that you had "accepted long ago" that you'd always come second to my "obsessions"."

"I was defending you to him, Harm!"

"I know… I know…" Harm said, sounding defeated. "But you believed all those things you said too. Do you have any idea how… way off base you are?!"

"What does it matter, Harm? Why does it matter whether or not I believe there are things more important in your life? That's the way it's always been Harm and I'm not deluded enough to think it will ever change. I love you, and I know that you love me… I really don't care about the details beyond that. So please, Harm, just drop it!"

"No, I'm not going to drop it! I'm not going to drop it because you're wrong. First of all, I'm not going to let you go on believing something that's not true. Second of all, I'm not going to risk losing you because you didn't think I loved you enough," Harm paused, looking for a reaction, but got none. "Mac, you're a very beautiful and desirable woman… I've told you that before. You steal men's hearts just by being in their line of sight. I'm not going to risk losing you to some fancy talking Casanova who'll convince you that he can love you more than I ever could. It's a constant fear that I have, Mac. I can't lose you."

"That could never happen, Harm."

"I'm not so sure, Mac. I've never been good with words, not when it relates to my feelings. You know that better than anyone. But I've learned now that… well… Mic won you over because he said the right things at the right time. And the same with Webb, he gave you the words that I wasn't able to…"

"But you've given me the words, Harm. You've told me that you loved me!"

"I know… I'm just saying that… you've been so easily swayed by words before…"

"I'm not gullible and I won't be so easily manipulated!" Mac said, a hint of anger in her voice.

"History has proven otherwise, Mac."

Mac felt like she'd been slapped. Harm was right; she had been easily wooed by grand gestures and words of undying love in the past. The truth always hurts the most she surmised.

"I don't know what you want me to do, Harm. I can't very well prove to you that I would never leave you now can I?" Mac said, tiredly. "Listen, I don't want to fight with you. I'm tired. I'm going to go check on Mattie and then I'm going to bed. I don't want to argue anymore tonight."

And with that, Mac walked out of their bedroom before Harm could say anything.

Mattie's room

"Hey Mattie, did you need anything before we turned in for the night?" Mac asked, glad to speak to someone who didn't know what was going on between her and Jamie (and Harm) at the moment.

"No, I'm alright. But thanks, Mac."

Mac turned to leave, but Mattie stopped her. "Mac, is everything ok?"

"Yeah, everything's fine. Why do you ask, Mattie?"

"Well, your eyes are red… and umm… I heard yelling in yours and Harm's room," Mattie answered sheepishly.

"Oh, that… It was nothing, Mattie. Certainly nothing you have to be worried about," Mac said, trying to reassure the young girl.

"Was it a big fight?" Mattie asked, very concerned. "It must've been. You've been crying, I can tell."

"It wasn't really a fight, Mattie. We just… Harm and I were having a difference of opinion."

"You guys have always had differences of opinion since you've gotten together, but you've never cried before…"

"Mattie really, it was nothing. I'm not even sure why I got so emotional," Mac said, smiling more for Mattie's sake than her own.

Mattie fiddled with her blanket for a moment, wanting to say more.

"It's just… I don't want you and Harm to break up. Everything's just been so much better since you came into our lives and I mean really came into our lives. I don't mean when you and Harm were just friends. I feel like I really belong to a family now. And I've never seen Harm so happy. You do that to him, you know Mac."

"Oh, Mattie, you don't have to worry about anything…"

Mac couldn't finish her sentence because Mattie interrupted her. "I mean, even after you convinced my dad to let me stay with Harm, that first time I met you… Well, he wasn't really happy. I'd always see him lost in thought. I knew he was thinking about you. Harm's been like an altogether different man since you two got engaged."

"I promise you Mattie, I'm not leaving Harm. We're not breaking up."

"I know… I guess I just… wanted to thank you for everything. You never once made me feel like I was in the way. You've accepted me like your own daughter right from the start…"

"What were you expecting, an evil stepmother?" Mac said teasingly.

"No… but I'm old enough to understand that having a teenage daughter, and a handicapped one at that is not the most ideal situation for newlyweds. And you've never once complained."

"You're not a burden, Mattie. Don't ever think of yourself that way. Besides, I like having you around. I'll always have someone to help me gang up on Harm," Mac and Mattie both giggled at that.

"You know Mac, after my mother died, I never thought I could ever think of anyone else as my mom… but I've found myself thinking of you in that way." Mac was so touched by what Mattie said it brought fresh tears to her eyes. "Thanks for taking me in, Mac. I mean, I know you did it for Harm… but thanks anyway. You're a good mom, Mac."

"I'm glad you think so Mattie," Mac said turning to leave. "And you know something… Harm just beat me to you. I would have done the same thing he did if I had met you first. You remind me a lot of me back in the day. And who knows, I may have turned out a lot differently if I had had someone to help me out when I was younger."

"Well, I'm glad you turned out just the way you did, and I'm sure Harm does too."

"Thanks Mattie."

"Oh and Mac, please don't be mad at Harm. He's always so miserable when things aren't well between you two. Besides, tomorrow's Saturday, so that means he's going to be home most of the day. We don't really want a bear around the house do we?" This brought a laugh out of Mac as she walked back to her bedroom.

TBC in chapter 4

Ok guys, thanks for sticking with me. Chapter 4 will really pick up the pace I promise. I hope you've liked everything so far. I'll definitely get chapter 4 up before the weekend. Thanks very much for the feedback. Keep 'em coming!