Beards, and Bushes and Closets, Oh My!

Disclaimer JK's characters + us. our plot.

Sam pranced eagerly down the hallways as she pointed her nose in the air, hoping for the wafting smell of brownies. Unfortunately for her, the smell did not come to her. But that of a horrible body odor did. Where the bleep am I, she questioned herself. She looked around and peered around a corner. The girls washroom. The one where Moaning Myrtle lived. It was then that a toilet exploded and the sound of a girl squealing pierced the air. Shortly after, Moaning Myrtle floated above the stalls and dove back in. Sam edged in a little closer, water rising up to her ankles.

"What's wrong Myrtle?" she asked quietly. Myrtles head slowly popped over the stall.

"And what do you think you're doing in here?" Myrtle growled. "Come to make fun of me because I can't get a boyfriend?"

Sam's mouth dropped open. All this ruckus was because she didn't have a boyfriend. "Nevermind…" Sam said and turned to leave.

However her progress was halted by a big hairy brick wall. Hang on, brick walls don't have hair! Sam's eyes slowly traveled upward to meet the most horrifying sight – Hermione Granger. "You know, you should really consider waxing that moustache." Sam said casually. The beasts eyes flickered angrily.

"EXCUSE ME!" Hermione screeched. Sam winced and covered her ears.

"Well, for somebody who looks like a man you sure do SOUND like a girl." She said. The beast did not respond well to this taunt, and wielded her wand threateningly. It was then that she flicked it eagerly and out of nowhere, a beard started to spring off of Sam's face. Sam decided it would be for the best if she were to leave and quickly.

"So uhh, lovely chatting to you, but I think I'd best be going. People will be missing me. Big scary people with big scary wands who would totally look for my body if it were to go missing." She rambled, attempting to maneuver her way out of the flooded stinky bathroom.

As Sam continued down the hallway toward the Slytherin Common Room she suddenly tripped. What the fudge, she exclaimed to herself. She looked down and noticed a very long beard protruding from her chin. "Did I forget to pluck?" she questioned aloud. She stroked the beard fondly, enjoying how silky smooth it was. She skipped into the Slytherin Common Room, her beard swinging. Riley, Draco and Blaise all sat on one of the couches by the pitiful fireplace. Riley's head jerked around when she heard the door close.

"JESUS SAM! When did you grow that?" Riley said. Her words were followed by Draco's and Blaise's jaws dropping to the floor.

"Did your testicles finally drop?" Draco mused while stifling a laugh. Sam pouted.

"I happen to enjoy my beard, thank you very much" she said, stroking it enthusiastically.

"Can I pet it?" Riley asked while jumping off of the couch.

"No! Get your own beard!" Sam glared, and held onto her beard possessively.

"Wow, that's something that even Dumbledore would be jealous of" Blaise chuckled.

Sam looked smug. "I know it is." She said proudly.

"Well, how did you get such a beautiful beard Samsie?" Riley questioned.

"Well you see. I was taunting that she beast – You know, the one with the big hair. I wonder how she gets her hair so big. I mean, do you think she stuffs it with something or –"

"SAM! Back to the point." Riley said and gave her beard a tug.

"Right!" Sam said. "So anyway, it was the beast Granger." Draco snorted.

"And I don't suppose you did anything to provoke the beast Granger?" He asked. Sam looked shocked.

"Are you suggesting that I would do anything at all to provoke anyone into wanting to harm me?" She asked angelically. Riley rolled her eyes.

"Oh please Sam, we all know you would. But since it was the beast Granger she probably deserved it!"

"Indeed she did" Sam said with a lopsided grin placed on her face.

"I don't think I want to know." Blaise put his hand on Sam's shoulder. "However I refuse to be seen with you while you have this" he tugged on her beard playfully.

"Hey, I'd date someone with a beard" Sam claimed. Blaise and Draco just stared at her.

"You're a girl" Draco said.

"And your point" Sam cocked an eyebrow.

"Just forget about it" he waved off.

"So how are you going to get rid of this beard?" Riley asked, petting the beard. "Are you sure you want to? I mean, it is silky and smooth. Oh wow! I want one! Draco, make me a beard to pet!" she demanded.

"Haha, I know what you can pet" Sam giggled. Draco turned and glared at her.

"For your information, I have a very nice bush, thank you!"

Everyone went silent. Crickets were heard chirping as a tumbleweed slowly drifted by. All was right in the world. Or at least really awkward and Sam still had a beard. Aside from that, all was right. Wait -"Draco? Did you just say you had a bush!?" Sam exclaimed. He turned red, well as red as his porcelain skin would allow. Come to think of it, Sam really enjoyed his porcelain skin. It looked so soft and just touchable. WAIT! Where are these thoughts coming from? Bad Sam! BAD!! Sam shook her head to get rid of these terrible evil thoughts.

"Uhh Sam. You okay there?" Riley asked and gave her a weird look.

"Yeah..just fine, not having thoughts about anybody's boyfriend or anything.."Sam muttered.

"Riiiightt." Riley said and turned her attention to the black-eyed Pansy.

Since it was getting quite late at night, the four of them decided that they had better head off to bed. "Sam, are you sure you're ok? You've been pretty spacey for the past hour" Riley said with concern.

"I'm fiiiine" Sam chanted, but Riley wasn't convinced. She just shrugged it off and opened the door to their dormitory. "Holy daint!" Sam yelled as the door hit the wall revealing all of their contents askew on the floor surrounding their beds.

"What's going on in here?!" Riley demanded. Millicent burst in from the bathroom sobbing, tears pouring down her face. Not exactly a good look for Milly.

"What happened, Milly" Sam asked while picking up her snowmen thong off of the ground.

"It's Pansy!" she said, completely horrified. "She's gone nuts!"

Sam groaned, "What is it about the ugly girls? Its like they just won't leave us alone!"

"Uh, Sam.", Milly coughed. Sam looked at her questioningly. "Well, you've got a beard." Milly said. Sam glared at her.

"So! What about it? Are you implying that I'm an ugly girl!" She demanded. Milly got flustered.

"No of course not!"

"WELL! I don't have to take this! I'm leaving!" Sam announced, and swung her beard over her shoulder and strode out. Milly stared after her, still not quite sure what had happened. She looked at Riley, who only shrugged.

"Hey, it's Sam. And I think she looks quite sexy with a beard." Millicent shook her head. "Okay." Riley looked around at their chaotic dorm. It crossed her mind that she should probably start cleaning up. Pushing that stupid thought aside, she pushed together a pile of clothing from the floor and plopped on top. "I do believe this will make a lovely bed." She sighed, snuggling up on the dirty laundry. "Nighttt Milly!" She sang, before drifting happily off to dream land.

Sam sauntered sleepily down the many corridors that Hogwarts had to offer, peeking around the corners for any sign of Filch or Mrs. Norris. She thought about the kitchens and the amazing piles of pastries and chocolates she could uncover. Sam's mouth leaked from drool as she turned a corner, suddenly hearing the noises of a couple having what sounded to be sex in a broom closet. "Yehhh, suck me harder" a boy moaned. Hold up! A boy that sounded remarkably like Blaise. Sam stood outside of the broom closet listening to the dirty deed that was being done suppressing a giggle. When it finally came time for the two to switch roles, Sam was very shocked to hear the sound of another boy. Really concerned about the boy who sounded like Blaise, Sam turned the doorknob slowly. It was just as she had suspected. Blaise had been in the broom closet it another seventh year Ravenclaw!

A/N - well this could be interesting. let us know what you think by reviewing :)