Title: Never let your guard down
Author: Simple Plan Rulz
Rating: T, I'm not sure, I'm not very good with the whole ratings thing.
Disclaimer: Sadly I do not own ER or any of its characters.
Sorry it took so long to update I've been in France for the past two weeks, thanks for all the reviews whilst I been away!
Author's notes on the chapter: At first I was simply going to write that Ray and Abby laugh about the night before and then just decide they love each other, but then I realized that wouldn't work. So sat down and listened to 'The Truth' by Good Charlotte on repeat, (I always do when I'm trying to think!) but I fell asleep! And the middle of this chapter, the bit where Abby is having a hallucination type thingy, is based on my dream, except Abby takes the place of me. The reason I decided to make Abby faint in this chapter is because I read this thing that said that when people with epilepsy faint they have these dreams/hallucinations and that's why they believe that the prophets from the bible where epileptic and that was how God spoke to them! So that's where I got the whole idea from! It may seem a bit weird at first but if you read it a couple of times over (as I had to do) it makes sense. So this chapter is appropriately named 'the truth' as that's what gave me the idea!
Chapter 8: The Truth
Ray's eyes flickered open and he starred up at the ceiling. It was a strange ceiling, it wasn't his bedrooms ceiling and it wasn't the ceiling above Abby sofa, where he had been sleeping for a while now, no, it was a different ceiling, but who's?
Slowly the feeling in his body came back to him, first the tips of his fingers, he was holding someone's hand, he tried to turn his head but he couldn't. Then the feeling came to his hands, his forearms then all the way up to his shoulders, he was wrapped around someone, their body was familiarly soft and comforting, but whose was it?
As the feeling returned to his face he smelt the air and instantly knew where he was, he could recognize that smell a mile off, it was the most beautiful smell in the world, it was Abby's smell.
As he breathed in the air around him the reality of the situation came crashing down on him, last night came back to him. He couldn't believe it, after all that, he goes and screw it up. Typical Ray all he does is screw everything up, he felt like hitting himself, and hard, how could he be so stupid? He had just completely wrecked any chance he had with Abby, ruined, all hope, gone.
But he loved her. Yet she would never be his, but he still loved her, against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragements that could be. He would never get over her, she was in his every thought, everything he saw, ate, heard, smelt and touched, Abby was there. In short she was a part of him now, a part of him that could never leave him; it would stay there for ever and ever. But he had screwed it up and now he could never have her.
He spent every moment of his life wanting to be with her and being unhappy because he was not with her and yet when he was with her he was still unhappy because she was not his. He slowly began to accept that this was how he was going to feel for the rest of his life. He did not hate her for causing him so much unhappiness, he could never hate her, he only hated himself, for screwing it up.
His thoughts where suddenly interrupted as she began to move, she was waking up. "Ray," she mumbled.
"Yes?"
"I have the worst headache,"
"That's probably cause you drank to much, come on," he pulled her closer to him, "Let me help,"
He walked over to the kitchen cupboard and picked up some paracetamol and gave it to her with some water.
"Drink these, it will help, trust me," he handed it to her.
"Look Ray, about yesterday..."
"Shh," he placed a finger over her lips "What about yesterday?"
"No Ray," she pushed him away, "We're gonna have to face up to the reality of what happened at some point."
"Yer, at some point, but not now," he snuggled up to her again, "the mornings are for rest, we can deal with all the stresses and strains of life later, but now we can sit, peacefully,"
She smiled. How did he do it? Make her feel this way, it's like he had a power over her and just like that he could erase all the worries from the past and all the worries for the future, and in that instant, she would feel completely and truly happy. No one else had ever made her feel like that.
Was that love? Was that what she was feeling? True love like she had never experienced before? For Ray? No, she could love Ray, he was her friend, they were just friends, just friends...
She snapped back to reality, "Ray we need to go to work,"
He shook his head, he didn't want to go to work, as soon as they left for work he have to face up to reality and it would be all awkward, if he could have had anything in the world it would be that that moment would last forever and he never have to face up to, to the truth.
She walked of to go take a shower and just like that she was gone. He would see her again in 10 minutes, but she wouldn't be the same, they could never be the same again after, yesterday. The very thought ran through Ray's veins like ice and he felt he body seize up.
Why? Why him? What had he done to deserve all this suffering? He would never know.
Abby and Ray went to work and, as predicted she spent the rest of the day ignoring him. Whenever they did have to talk there were so many awkward silences between them. The silence drove into Ray like a thousand knives, he hated it more than anything, he couldn't stand it any longer, just having to live with it. There was no way he was putting up with it for the rest of his life, he would never love anyone else, she was the one.
Ray knew what he had to do, he had to tell her, it would never work, it was silly, but he couldn't run for the rest of his life, running was almost worse than rejection. He had tried to run from his dad, but his dad was still there in his dreams and in all the kids he had to treat because they'd suffered abuse at home too. He couldn't run anymore.
When Abby came home she saw Ray sitting on her sofa. Perfectly still, almost zombie like. He shocked her, she had expected him to go home to his apartment, why was he here? Did he want to talk about last night? Surly he knew it was far too awkward to be talking about it now?
"Hey," he spoke in a low, quieter and sadder voice she had never heard before. He seemed hurt, sort of like when he talked about his dad.
"Ray I..."
"Shh," he stopped her, "I don't want you to say anything, at least not till I finish,"
She nodded.
"I don't know how to say this but, I love you," he said it bolder now "I love you, I have done for, for a long time now, and I know that you may think I don't know if I love you but I know, I know because you are a part of me, you are a part of everything I do, part of the little good and part of the little evil in me, do you understand?"
She just starred back at him blankly, he didn't want to drop it all on her so hard, but he had to tell her, she had to know, for once, how he truly felt.
"And I know, you may not feel the same way about me, and I except that, hell I expect that, but you have to tell me, straight, because otherwise I'll go crazy. You have to tell me the truth, please?"
He leaned over and pushed a button on the hi-fi, 'The Truth' by Good Charlotte echoed round the room.
So here we are,
We are alone,
This weight on your mind,
And I wanna know,
The truth,
If this is how you feel,
Say it to me,
If this was ever real
Why? Why did he have to do this to her? Say he loved her? She wanted to love him, she really did, she would give anything in the world to love him, it would just make everything so much simpler. But she couldn't, she had feelings for him, maybe, but love, she just wasn't ready to love again, not after Jake and Carter... But then she remembered back to that night when she had first truly had a serious talk with Ray about how Jake loved her and he had reminded her that the past didn't matter; it was how she felt there and then, so maybe she did love him?
I want the truth,
From you,
Give me truth,
Even if it hurts me
But want if she didn't? What if she just thought she did? He wanted the truth, and she had to give it to him, but how could she when she didn't even know it herself. She looked into his deep green eyes; she couldn't help noticing how old, worn and sad they looked, like an old war veteran who had seen too much suffering. They were so mysterious and deep, like she could get lost in them for hours and hours...
She opened her eyes and looked around; she appeared to be in a dark room, there was a little boy of about 8 or 9 sitting in his bed. She walked over to him and asked the first and most obvious question that popped into her head, "Where am I? Why am I here?"
"Shh," the boy placed his fingers on her lips in a familiar manner, the pointed towards the door and she heard a drunken man laughing and talking to himself outside.
She turned back to the boy and looked into his eyes, and just like that it all fell into place, the boy was Ray. She was in Ray's room but why?
"Why am I here she asked again?"
"Because you came here," he answered simply, as if it was obvious.
"Why would I come here?"
"For the Truth,"
I want the truth,
From you,
Give me truth,
Even if it hurts me
"Do you know?"
The boy nodded.
"How do you know?"
The boy pointed at a young girl sitting on the floor, playing with a doll's house, who up until that point Abby hadn't noticed. "She told me,"
The girl looked up at Abby and Abby felt a chill run through her, it was her.
"Is that me?"
The boy nodded again, "Why are you so surprised?"
"Because it isn't normal to be told you loved someone by yourself."
The boy laughed and unmistakable Ray laugh "What part of this is normal?"
He had a point.
"And you knew you loved him, that's how she knew, you just weren't prepared to accept it."
"Why not?"
"Because you where afraid."
The girl moved ands sat next to her on the bed, she took her hand, "Its okay, we all get afraid sometimes, even we do,"
Abby didn't like the idea that the girl was referring to them as one single person, it was quite weird, to say the least.
"I get afraid," the boy spoke up, "a lot, I just don't tell you,"
"You don't tell me much,"
"No, well not now, I still feel vulnerable, but in time, don't worry, in time, you shall see,"
A silence fell over them as they all seemed to reflect on what was happening.
I want the truth,
From you,
Give me truth,
Even if it hurts me
"Sometimes," the boy explained "you have to face your fears,"
It was almost as he said the word fear, that they heard a noise coming from outside, it was Ray's dad.
"Hide," the boy yelled.
Abby found herself hiding in the shadows, the girl was nowhere in sight, but Ray was sitting in his bed, shaking, with fear.
"Ray," the man banged and the door, "Ray are you awake?"
"Yes dad," the boy whimpered back.
The door slammed open, light streamed in, luckily Abby remained in the shadows, unlike Ray, she was safe.
"Do you respect me boy?" Ray's dad commanded.
"Of...course...dad," the boys stuttered.
"Come here,"
Ray obeyed and walked over to his father. He gripped Ray by the shoulders.
"Cause I don't think you do,"
Abby could have smelt the alcohol from a mile of.
"Tell me," he shoke his son, "tell me again,"
Ray look absolutely petrified and yet somewhere he managed to get the courage to reply "NO!"
Abby couldn't believe it, right there in front of her Ray was facing up to his biggest fear; she had no idea, that at just 8 or 9, Ray was braver than she could ever be.
Ray's dad smacked him hard in the face, "What was that?"
And just like that, it hit her, that's what he meant, she had to be brave too, she couldn't just stand here and watch, she moved out into the light and stood in between Ray and his father.
"Who are you? What are you doing here?"
"Leave him alone,"
"What makes you think you have the right to tell me how to treat my boy?" he moved closer to her so he was breathing straight into her face, the stench of alcohol was almost unbearable, "well?"
She look at him, she could feel herself shaking with fear, she decided to let the fear in, for just a little, she stopped breathing and her heart stopped beating, for what seemed like an eternity, but she knew it could have only have been for second, if that, she breathed out, she wasn't afraid anymore.
"I'm not afraid of you," she said it loudly, clearly and boldly.
"You may not be now," he lifted his arm like he was about to take a swing, she remained perfectly still, "but you will be,"
She stood there looking straight into his eyes, she was not afraid anymore, of Ray's dad or that she was in love with Ray.
He swung smacking her straight in the eye, she felt a crack like her nose had broke, it hurt so bad, but she still wasn't afraid, she her someone calling, it was Ray.
"Abby!"
It wasn't young Ray anymore, it was Ray as she knew him now, he was kneeling over her.
"Abby!"
She felt her eyes close as the darkness around her consumed everything.
Just give me the truth
Give me the truth
Cause I don't care no more.
She opened her eyes as the song began to fade out; she was back in her apartment, lying on the floor next to the sofa.
"You okay?" Ray asked
She nodded.
"You fainted!"
She smiled, he saw her lips move, she was trying to say something, it looked like 'colorful?'
"I love you," she spoke at last, "And I'm not afraid."
He nodded and smiled the most sincere smile she had ever seen.
"And that's the truth."
I got the last bit from this thing someone told me about how when you mouth colorful it looks like your mouthing 'I love you'! I'm going to be in China for the next to weeks so I won't be able to update but I'll update the next chapter when I get back. Plus it's not like I'm leaving on any cliffhangers! I think the next chapter starts a couple of weeks after this one anyway, so it's not like I'm about to write something big!